It’s amazing how in life-what we see is really dependant on what lens we look through. I have always found it fascinating that when we change the lens (or the lens is changed for us in some cases) that everything in view is completely different.
Today I am back to automatic focus. Yesterday however…was definately a blurry day.
Beauty for the last 7days has been complaining of leg pain. No big deal-mostly ignored it for the last week. My Protector and I started to worry however when by Sunday evening our daughter was a completely different person, crying, asking for medication and telling us that she could not even stand up in the night to visit the bathroom. She limped all day yesterday and sat on the bench at Glee. She cried herself to sleep at night out of sheer pain.
The researcher that I am and the worrier my Hubby is, we found ourselves on the famous Intranet and ruled out growing pains because of her symptoms persisting in the mornings. What we did Google however were the dreaded Childhood Cancers-and those I must tell you were not fun to read at all.
It took me back to Jenny.
A friend of mine in primary school was one day was at Brownies with me and the next day she had acute pain in her leg. The next day she was diagnosed with leukemia. The next week her hair was gone. And the next few years all I remember of her was visiting her in the hospital and being petrified out of my mind.
This fear came back to me yesterday.
The lens I was looking through was very, very painful. Suddenly nothing except Beauty being ok mattered. I did not care about the kids chores. I did not care about their homework. Chase called and said the bus he was on broke and that he had to walk 15 minutes to another one and was a bit lost. I did not care. I heard my Mom with the kids stressing over homework and eating and the dishwasher being broken. I did not care.
Yesterday I also found out that very, very likely (not fully confirmed yet) I won an extremely prestigious award at work that I would be travelling globally to accept . It felt very hard to care.
My lens that day-was a single window pane and that pane was excruciatingly painful.
I took Beauty to the doctor today and all seems ok. I prayed to hear the word “muscular” and I did. I was given a prescription for bloodtests for the dreaded white and red blood cell count but only because she knows I work in pharmaceuticals and I know my stuff. The doctor was extra cautious. She suggested I don’t get the tests until a week from now if persistent pain.
My daughter walked out of the office and did a pirouette. I am sure by end of week she will be back to the splits. Beauty will be ok and healthy. I will not need to shave my head in sympathy with my girl. We were happy. Back to smiling.
Within minutes my lens shifted again. Literally by the time I got back into the car I was on my automatic focus again. Where was Chase-he was did not call me when he arrived home? Did Bear study enough French for his high school entrance exams?. Gosh I hate this skirt on me it is not the right length! The damn dishwasher-how could it break again when we just had it fixed?
I hated the worry and the stress over Beauty-but in essence it made me a better person. My view was more complete. More real. Worry has the ability to bring you right back to the basics, very, very quickly.
As I sit here now, I vow to remember some of that worry that I held with me yesterday. I vow to keep that picture and frame it accurately in my mind. My empathy is very high for these with children who are ill and whose parents feel like there is nothing more in the world they would want more than to make their child better. They would throw themselves in front of a truck to make that happen. In a heartbeat I am sure.
I know that yesterday when I was out of focus-the only thing I needed was someone beside me who could have helped me see a clearer picture. If ever you need that one day for you..come to me-I will understand you and help you the best way I can. Pinky Swear.
