Traditions Around Here that Already Exist-Celebration!

We leave important meetings at work for it and drive home and back to work again . We each  give him a big personal hug and kiss. We leave our clients in the waiting room and close our office door and blare his motivational song on You-Tube over the phone as a way to surprise him with the news.  His Sister and Brother cry for him (one in joy and the other TBD). We encircle him and give him the bumps again. We write an email to everyone we know with the good news. We bring home a special dessert to all share together. We let it slip that he was supposed to be on a consequence tonight because he was rude this morning.

We celebrate each other. Always. No matter what. No matter where we are-or what we are doing. Each other’s successes always come first. We do the same with Disappointments. It’s the Five of us (and six with my Mom!). Forever and a Day.

Today I said to my hubby as we received the news:

“Can he do this..this incredible and amazing school but at the same time -this tough, elite, hard,  high performance driven school? Is this the right place for certain-can we actually handle this with two of them now there. Will we  all survive this?”

My hubby full of loving and calm conviction said back:

“We  can and we will do it. It is hard work but he and we will certainly do this   it. It is the perfect place for him. Life is not made to be easy”

Congratulations Bear! You did it!

Coming Complete with Capability

I was going to call this blog post “Coming Complete with Caring” but then I decided it was not that at all.

It actually has nothing to do with caring. I could never, ever not care or care less.

What I have to complete with is actually fueled by my immense caring. It’s caring enough to set myself free. It’s caring enough to let go in sometimes and often.

One of my Teachers of Transformation taught me the term “coming complete” and it is now part of the daily language I use. I have used this term on by blog before and referred to it. I have used it in the way of “coming complete” with a friend or family member on issues, or conflicts, or in terms of being fully honest and not holding grudges.

But what I am about to do right now is way bigger than that. It is HUGE for me  actually and I won’t be doing this often because it not something you do everyday.

I am going to make a declaration. I am going to once and for all come complete on something that is actually ruining my life in many ways up until this very moment.

Here it is. It it time.

October 3rd 2011

I declare that I am officially complete with taking on the worrying for my kids about parts of their lives that belong to them. I declare that I am complete with projecting onto them in some situations incapability. I am done with this.

Gosh that felt good. Seriously-since now I declared this I have to live into this. I am accountable my friends. I may sway in the wrong direction at various points but now that I have declared it-I owe it to myself to always get back on the right path. At least now I know what the path is even….

Glad I declared this before my big 40th birthday coming up this week..it needed to be done.

I am putting this under the “Teen” section because I am finding that such a declaration is important especially as our children enter those all important and complex teen years. I think letting go (and sitting back and praying for them!) is actually a fundamental milestone that we all have to pass through to really be successful as parents. I have not been able to pass into this stage yet-I am struggling with it immensely.

I  am so often the one to give the parenting advice that it is really an amazing feeling to be the one getting parenting advice every once in a while. I need to ask for it more. I need to be supportable by others much more often-it feels so good.

Today, I cried my eyes out on the phone to my poor Heartbeat, my Mom for almost a full hour. It reminded me of how capable she holds me as her daughter. She listened well, she advised, she comforted me. And then she went on with her day.

She did not fall apart because her daughter was falling part. I doubt she is taking at Ativan tonight because her daughter sounded desperate and miserable. I doubt that she has any doubt that I can handle what I am going through and that I can get through this….in my own way. She believes in me fully. She thinks more of me than I do of myself.

Does she run over here and make it all better? Does she stop everything she is doing and focus only on how to make it all better for me. Does she stay up all night and write a long list of solutions and hand it to me the next morning in a rainbow colored envelope with a chocolate inside? Does she sit there in fear of me being sad? Does she cry herself to sleep at night because I am feeling pain and struggling?

Does she try to make it better for me to make herself feel better ?

No she tries to make me…..heard and supported and validated as a person. She believes in me. She knows I am capable to handle whatever life throws at me.

So today as I was in pain and I listened to my smart Mother talk me through it,  it finally clicked for me that part of getting some of her joy and peacefulness in my own life is to simply claim it back for myself. Let my kids (especially my teen and tween) take back some of the stress that I so heavily carry for them without them even asking for me to take on this load. Set them free. Set myself free.

It’s time to give Back one Big suitcase Baby. If you need help carrying it…. let me know I will be more than pleased to give you a hand.

Gratitude Week of Oct 1st-Scales that Tell the Truth

This week my gratitude is abundant and overflowing.

It is thankfulness for two scales!

Yes you heard right.... scales.. you know the ones that weigh you?

Nope I did not lose the five pounds I wanted to. But realized that my own scale is a BIG LIAR! In a good way.

I had an appointment last week at work called “Know your Numbers” where we all had to meet with a nurse and get weighed, take height, track BMI, take a bunch of blood tests and have our blood pressure measured.

Of course I told myself that their scale would of course be 5 pounds higher since I had already eaten breakfast, and was dressed in layers instead of naked hungry me in the morning usually getting weighed on my own scale. I emotionally prepared myself...

Well gosh darn dammit-I weighed in and I was 6 pounds lighter on their scale!!!

So this was a tricky one- they had a broken scale but oh well if all of us at that company would feel mentally better after leaving that appt eh? Isn’t this mental ease better than knowing the real numbers.  It would have been easier to just let it go if I weren't in charge of the entire Wellness  program..tough choices. So I told the nurse that her scale was off  (integrity is important right?) She said that it was fine and accurate-I love these 19 yr old  nurses right out of school they are so incredibly smart.

So then this week my life insurance is being renewed so I try to eat a bit less this weekend for the big weigh in this morning again with a different nurse who came to my house. (Thank God these things take place before Halloween!) So she gets to the height part and says “How tall are you?” and I tell her. She gets to the weight part and says” Can you step on my scale please?”

Why is it that they believe your height that you tell them but not the weight….is it possible that some people actually lie about this??? (Yup that might be me!!!)

So I get on it-same layers-same pop tart (and healthy apple) sitting at bottom of stomach weighing me down again. And I am a magical 3 pounds lighter on her scale too! I felt like I won the lottery-yet again!!!!!

So an incredible start to the day of course.

Lesson learned. My scale is a liar. I love my scale now.

Note to all friend and loved ones: If ever you need a good dose of depression or push to exercise a bit more come over to my house-step on my lying scale and look at your naked body  in the wall to wall surrounding mirrors of my bathroom. Always an excellent start to the morning. Sometimes my mom refuses to stay overnight with the kids becasue she is fearful of my bathroom ...for real.

My last question of inquiry for all of you is: Why do they take a person’s blood pressure BEFORE they stick a needle in your “veins so delicate we have to use a baby’s needle it is so hard to draw blood from you” or before they put you on their scales?? Why is this?

No wonder my blood pressure has been high at times. No kidding!!!! Qualifies as a traumatic experience for meJ))

(I love days when a few extra pounds are my biggest worry. These qualify as really good days as far as I am concerned!)

Two New Sections on my Blog

There are a couple of sections on this blog that I am going to add as of this week:

1-Frequently Asked Questions

2-Deliberate Traditions

The Frequently Asked Questions part-by reading other blogs I enjoy, I decided will be a good idea for my own blog. I will take the questions from various sources-based on comments I get directly in this blog or in response to my blog in general through feedback received, or Parenting Workshops that I have offered that these particular questions come up, or  questions and inquiries through my coaching clients and colleagues  that are being asked on  regular basis around parenting or work life in general . This will be an easy format for me to respond in a QA type of style and I will post them under the appropriate age categories or balancing work and life section

Deliberate Traditions, I  will alternate between this section and my Gratitude section. It is a place (as you can tell from the name) for me to be more deliberate.

Again in reading some of the other blogs I have read what I have enjoyed most is learning traditions that  others do in their homes that I would not have thought of myself. I then consider these traditions and apply them or tweak them to our own family situation.

Traditions have always been extremely important to me.

I remember as a child craving them the way some people do chocolate.
We had some  really good ones in our house…such as yearly going to work with my Dad, coming home and searching for candy in a purple gum machine and running up the stairs to lie with my Mom in bed and tell her all about my day every night. We also had out food traditions such as smokmeat at Chenoys and Gigi’s submarines and had Sunday night movie night.

These were by far some of my best childhood memories.

That being said-although we had some traditions-they were not nearly enough to fulfill the desire in me for routine, stability and things I could look forward to year after year.

I remember missing some specific traditions that would occur year after year at Christmas, Thanksgivings and Birthdays. Although we always celebrated these holidays and had a lot of fun-what I missed was the ceremony and tradition around them. I wished that the same exact people would be there year after year and not ever change. Sometimes we would do it one way, sometimes another way. Sometimes we would string popcorn and sometimes we wouldn’t. Sometimes we would put up the tree and play music weeks before and decorate it and some years we would put it up the night before. We always had birthday parties-but our birthday mornings differed each year and there weren’t special traditions around my parent’s own  birthdays.

I remember the holidays that we did have traditions for I looked forward to so much more. The orange table cloth and note from the Easter Bunny at Easter. The stockings jammed packed with gifts every Christmas morning and the letter from Santa and the cookie crumbs. My Christmas pyjamas were always really sweet.

I loved that my dog left me a birthday gift under his sleeping carpet at the bottom of the stairs one year. That was the best.

I loved having spaghetti every Halloween night before trick or treating even if I only had one spoonful because I was too excited-I still wanted to know that spaghetti would be there year after year. It always was.

What I have come to realize is that tradition is really important in families. It takes a lot of time and preparation on the parent’s part and a lot of  self-discipline, but really I think it’s what the kids remember about their childhoods the most.

In my own adulthood, we have many, many traditions in our home and at our cottage but what I am less good at are the actual holidays. Sure I do my things and have some traditions but they are not half as good as they could be and not quite as deliberate as I would like them to be.

I have to admit that most the time after Christmas rolls around with having 4 /5 birthdays in our home within 4 weeks of X-mas-I am just to damn tired to put up a mistletoe and spend time on Advent CalendarsL

That however is no excuse at all since it is not my kids faults at all that hubby and I chose to procreate each year at the same time! Why should they pay for our carelessness in choosing??

So I will have a section of Deliberate Traditions to make up for it. On it I will highlight traditions that we already do in our family (which there are many of) and traditions that are new that I will be putting in place that we need to get better at (which there are also many of).

Too bad the first one coming up is Halloween…no offense for all you Halloween Lovers- but this is the only one I really truly despise. I know Bah Humbug to me!  I could live the rest of my life never having to see an other SuperHero  or Princess at my door...(I know ... I know... I suck).
I could certainly live the rest of my life never having to dress up as a banana at work again.

The only thing I like about Halloween is stealing the kids red candies and Crunchie bars when they finally get back home.

And oh ya..I like eating the spaghetti too.

Striver in the Driver’s Seat Now

It’s a Big Day on Saturday.

Our second son, Bear, is writing his important and very difficult  high school entrance exam for the school of his choice.

It’s a really big day for him and for us.

Made me realize how important schools and academics are in our family-to our children and to us as parents. It really is a core value in our home that we all share. We are all pretty good when it comes to school stuff (much, much better at this than jobs around the house).

When my first son was accepted to this same school two years ago-it was a day I will never forget. We all literally felt like we had won the lottery .With my second son now writing the exam-the same anticipation is still there just as strongly for us all. It’s exciting and full of adrenaline.

What amazes me so much is just how much he wants this. He seems to really feel that this particular school will really change the course of his life in many ways-and open many doors for him. He wants it bad.

So we handle this situation in the best way we know how-like we do with all things that are important to us. We prepare extremely well and cover all the bases. Then we sit back and let the universe decide. We give it our very best shot. We work really hard and then accept the outcome.

We believe strongly that it is always best in life to not have regrets-to be able to look back and say “I did everything I could to have the outcome I desire. I did what  was within my power to achieve my ultimate goal”.

So as of last night there is no more studying or preparing. A free for all technology evening planned for him. the night before was blaring his motivational song he chose for this experience (full of swear rap words nonetheless-you should have seen his Grandma’s face!!!). We encircled  him as a family and gave him the bumps-spelling out the letters of the school name. Tonight it is dinner at a fancy restaurant (very rare for our kids!) and a 1 hr massage for him at a spa (even more rare even for the adults in the family!)

Most importantly ,Bear will be given a special card with a special gift in it (ssshhh..) This is really important for us to give him the night before the exam and not the night after. It’s a card of celebration-regardless of any type of mark or outcome. It celebrates the amazing strength of this child to persist, to pursue and to want in life. It closes a chapter and makes room for the exciting new things to come his way.

It celebrates our boy for exactly who he is at this very moment.

Good Luck Bear! Wishing you....the future that was destined to be yours in whichever form that takes!
Love
Mommy and Daddy

Out of Order

I realized something really important about myself over the weekend.

Some people might find this surprising about me..Very surprising. For those who know me extremely well though-it won’t come as a shock.

I am really quite bad with order in my house. I am actually quite disorganized. I am definitely messy and untidy.

I say people would be very surprised because in most ways I am the organized Queen. I mean every birthday card I receive, or wedding speech about me or anything I have ever heard about myself includes a  reference to my obsessive organizing, my hyper to do lists and my many systems that are engrained in our family and our kids to keep order and upkeep in our  house.

Somehow though this sense of order has just not made it to the dishes piled up in the sink that seem not to bother me, or the jam stain on the sofa that I chose a nap over cleaning it up, or the way I pack with my clothes rolled up in a ball in my suitcase, or my desk at home or at work which are definitely the true definition of organized chaos.

I want more order in my life, chaos really stresses me out. I think I am a master of organizing time and priorities but a disaster at organizing things. I think that at the expense of being orderly with things-I focus on organizing time and events. I need a better balance in these two areas.

Another reason why I often choose not to be orderly is that it is much easier to delegate order than it is other things I do to the people who help me out at home. Asking someone to load the dishwasher or sort clothing is much easier than asking them to call your brother and ask him how his move is going or to write back to a friend in need of a listening ear.

I see the difference in my stress levels when things are very orderly around me. Our cottage is a perfect example. At Trent because we bought it recently and put massive time into the initial organizing of it- everything has a place and is very well thought out and organized. It is a place of serenity and I generally care alot more about keeping it this way than I do in our actual home. When I take something out I put it back-mainly because I know where back is! I took the time to not only devise systems in this house but a place for everything. Trent calms me completely and I feel great while I am there (could very well also have something so do with the lake, the skiing, the yummy food too!)

It’s funny how deficient I feel I am in this area and how hard I feel it would be for me to change. To some they consider me their mentor in order, systems for chores, systems for laundry, systems for homework, systems for cubbies, for making lunches, for grocery lists. Some of it can be true.  But underneath-I am a bit of a disaster really.

The perfect example was my wedding day. Spent a bit of change on my dress, the nice hair up do, the sparkly shoes, the sleek jewels, the radiant makeup etc.. but never even took one single minute to look or study myself in the mirror before I left to get married! My mom always laughs about it. I could not care less how my dress looked from the back, or my hair for that matter, or if my shoes did or did not peek out from under my dress. My garment belt could have been twisted 4 times around my leg and it would not have made a difference to me. I was into the BIG picture that day of hoping to be a beautiful bride and marrying the man I love. The details were completely irrelevant to me. That day symbolizes a lot in my life..the tradition has carried on.

Big Picture Important. Details Irrelevant.

Somehow lately though as I approach the age of someone supposed to be all grown up,the stains on the couch bother me more. The toothpaste in the sink gets on my nerves and my clothes rolled in a ball, grate on my nerves a bit.

I am disappointed in myself not for these bad habits necessarily, but for the lessons they are teaching my children in order or lack of it:(  I might be raising three kids who I hope are autonomous,  leaders and good at homework, but if they  go around  eating a pancake and spilling the syrup on the floor and  don’t bother to  clean it up (nor their Mom)..then who am I fooling?
They will be more likely to be asked to appear on Roseanne Barr’s Daytime Show than to go on to be truly successful individuals.

This needs to be worked on. I need help!

A Plateful of Grateful

It’s amazing how in life-what we see is really dependant on what lens we look through. I have always found it fascinating that when we change the lens (or the lens is changed for us in some cases) that everything in view is completely different.

Today I am back to automatic focus. Yesterday however…was definately a blurry day.

Beauty for the last 7days has been complaining of leg pain. No big deal-mostly ignored it for the last week. My Protector and I started to worry however when by Sunday evening our daughter was a completely different person, crying, asking for medication and telling us that she could not even stand up in the night to visit the bathroom. She limped all day yesterday and sat on the bench at Glee. She cried herself to sleep at night out of sheer pain.

The researcher that I am and the worrier my Hubby is, we found ourselves on the famous Intranet and ruled out growing pains because of her symptoms persisting in the mornings. What we did Google however were the dreaded Childhood Cancers-and those I must tell you were not fun to read at all.

It took me back to Jenny.

A friend of mine in primary school was one day was at Brownies with me and the next day she had acute pain in her leg. The next day she was diagnosed with leukemia. The next week her hair was gone. And the next few years all I remember of her was visiting her in the hospital and being petrified out of my mind.

This fear came back to me yesterday.

The lens I was looking through was very, very painful. Suddenly nothing except Beauty being ok mattered. I did not care about the kids chores. I did not care about their homework. Chase called and said the bus he was on broke and that he had to walk 15 minutes to another one and was a bit lost. I did not care. I heard my Mom with the kids stressing over homework and eating and the dishwasher being broken. I did not care.

Yesterday I also found out that very, very likely (not fully confirmed yet) I won an extremely prestigious award at work  that I would be travelling globally to accept  . It felt very hard to care.

My lens that day-was a single window pane and that pane was excruciatingly painful.

I took Beauty to the doctor today and all seems ok. I prayed to hear the word “muscular” and I did. I was given a prescription for bloodtests for the dreaded white and red blood cell count but only because she knows I work in pharmaceuticals and I know my stuff. The doctor was extra cautious. She suggested I don’t get the tests until a week from now if persistent pain.

My daughter walked out of the office and did a pirouette. I am sure by end of week she will be back to the splits. Beauty will be ok and healthy. I will not need to shave my head in sympathy with my girl. We were happy. Back to smiling.

Within minutes my lens shifted again. Literally by the time I got back into the car I was on my automatic focus again. Where was Chase-he was did not call me when he arrived home? Did Bear study enough French for his high school entrance exams?. Gosh I hate this skirt on me it is not the right length! The damn dishwasher-how could it break again when we just had it fixed?

I hated the worry and the stress over Beauty-but in essence it made me a better person. My view was more complete. More real. Worry has the ability to bring you right back to the basics, very, very quickly.

As I sit here now, I vow to remember some of that worry that I held with me yesterday. I vow to keep that picture and frame it accurately in my mind. My empathy is very high for these with children who are ill and whose parents feel like there is nothing more in the world they would want more than to make their child better. They would throw themselves in front of a truck to make that happen. In a heartbeat I am sure.

I know that yesterday when I was out of focus-the only thing I needed was someone beside me who could have helped me see a clearer picture. If ever you need that one day for you..come to me-I will understand you and help you the best way I can. Pinky Swear.