Getting Back….What You Give

I am not sure I have ever seen this this type of overwhelming love in my life.

Makes me think that having the type of career I have always had…I have missed out on many moments in my kids’s lives.

I got to have some good ones though  today that probably will fill me for a long while.

Bear finally came home last night from the hospital and today wanted to go get his homework in person at school and see his classmates for 5 minutes.

We made the arrangements.

We went. Both classes were together so about 55 kids doing an outside activity in the courtyards.

Nothing could have prepared him or me for that moment.

You almost think so much love could not be possible.

They saw him-all 55 of them …and they cheered and they cheered and cheered.

They started coming towards him, closer and closer and it was like a bees towards honey. They could not keep themselves away.

It almost looked like it was a stampede, the force was so strong.

Like magnets.

Then they teacher yelled “Be careful around him-he just had surgery!!!”

And so they all 55 delicately surrounded him. I have never seen anything like it.

I began to understand the virtual world of Generation Y because they gave him virtual hugs and kisses without touching him.

They communicated love, adoration, empathy, compassion friendship almost with out speaking.

He stood in the middle of this circle for the longest time and they all just looked at him.

And adored him.

And loved him so fully.

They were way stronger than any morphine or antibiotic could ever be.

And he just stood there taking it all in, tears rolling out of the corners of his eyes and not speaking. He was smiling, smiling, smiling.

They did a little dance for him-all of them.
A dance that apparently my Bear had made up at some point this year and taught them all.

They danced around him with tremendous energy.

They each promised to give him 10 candies from their Halloween bags to make a whopping 540 candies total. And they promised not to give him the crappy stuff.

On his way out they presented him with a HUGE card signed by all the 6^th graders that said “You have to come back..Because without you the class is Silent” That’s definitely my boy!!!!!!!!
And then he left-and they cheered again loudly and clapped as he walked back into the building.

We met his gym teacher on the way out and she gathered him in her arms for what seemed liked minutes and they both burst into tears. She loves him so completely and he loves her. Her heart was broken for him that he missed his big sports auditon for Sport Etudes in highschool.

We walked out of this building my Bear and I. I was very full of admiration, shock and  thankfulness. He was filled to the very brim with love. It comletely filled every inch of him.

What kept going through my head over and over and over was “You get back from life what you give to others”

This child, my middle child, who in many ways has been left to his own devices in our family with a very powerful older brother and an adorable little sister….is a true leader I realized in that moment. People around me have always told me..in that moment I believed them.

He, has given…alot.

Today I  took full note.

My goodness my darling.

Scared in the Dark

His bed is across from from Bear’s at the hospital . He is a 9yr old boy but moves and acts like a 6 month old baby.
A big boy in a baby's body. I think he had brain surgery as his head is wrapped in bandages. He looks around the room his eyes darting everywhere in search of a mobile that isn't there.

I lie awake all night and hear the every sound of this boy-hear his breathing,  hear his gurgling sounds, fear his seizures.  I watch in the night as his diapers are changed-watch as his face lights up when the staff approaches.
I observe as he smiles and laughs as if tickled when he is given a battery of blood tests. He likes the human contact. I look when he stares into space and does not move hour after hour when everyone else is sleeping.

I watch as this child opens his mouth and makes a clicking sound with his tongue over and over again.

I feel like I have met him before-like I recognize him.

I realize  have met him many a times in my mind. His name is  "My Biggest Fear".

I want to ask his parents what happened to their precious boy.
What is hurting?
What went wrong?
What happened to their poor, poor baby?
But I cannot ask..
Because there is no parent or loved one to be seen
He is alone. All days and all nights.

All night long I fear him. I want to run away from him. I want to run away from his pain. I contemplate asking to change rooms. I am scared-Bear is petrified.
I would do anything to run as far away as possible. Back to my email, my boardroom, to  my comforting and long  to do lists.
I lie awake and pray for morning to come.

And it does..And with the rise of the sun I realize that all the sudden I no longer need to run away from him... my instincts  all the sudden want to run towards him.
I have grown up overnight.
Living with Bear so sick has made me better as a person.

I face my fear-I gather my courage and I allow myself to feel-to fully take him in. To feel his pain, his aloneness, his suffering.
I walk over to his bed and I look at him.
He looks at me.
He looks deep into my eyes and welcomes me.
I don't feel like a terrible, awful cowardly woman anymore.
I start to feel alive again.
I want to sing him a  little song.   I want to touch his chubby face. If I knew he could eat chocolate I would sneak in the biggest bar.

I start to not wonder where his parents are anymore. I begin  not to judge them.
I understand that maybe they have not been able to face their fears-face their son..yet.
I do not judge them; I have been them for one night myself. I wanted to run away too.
I feel like surely their  hearts are broken wherever they may be.

I walk back over to my Bear in need of me to walk and go to the bathroom. He looks at me in shock as I come back from the big- boy- but- baby’s bed. What was I doing over there!!!!

I look at  my broken now, but healthy son in the eye .....and I lose myself completely. I start to sob but I cannot stop. He has never seen me this way. But he understands...he and I have lived this together-he gets it. I cry and cry and hold my head in my hands as he watches and stares.

As he gets up I tell him we have a stop along the way. He knows what I am talking about.
We walk 2 feet to the next bed and he looks at the boy and says "Hi Matis-I am your neighbor" I look at Matis and say "If you need a friend-we are here"

And then it comes big and bright and beautiful and clear.
He smiles at both of us......

We come back from the bathroom and not only is Matis still smiling...he is laughing.
He is no longer looking around the room for a mobile that is not there.
He is looking for his friend; My Bear who is there.
We have made Matis happy.
Matis is not alone anymore.

Sometimes if we stay with our fear and face it and don't run away-we get to feel joy. We get to give it.

What Bear has just learnt can never be taught in a lesson or during one of our Family nights or by recounting it to anyone.

It is just there and we choose to ignore it or to learn it.
Today we chose to feel, to hurt and to learn together.
We choose joy.

My Sweet Boy

(some typos no time but wanted to post important)

I find in life whenever something bad happens-something good also seems to happen.
The bad thing is worse-but the good things happening are precious too.
I notice myself notice good little things when big bad things are happening.
I notice msyself looking for them all over the place.

Bear was rushed on for emergency surgery last night and it was pretty bad. The appendix had actually died in his body by the time they got in there and ruptured coming out. It all seemed so quick an sureeal.

He is beyond weak today, but he still has that same little brave and sweet and wiser beyond his years spirit about him.

I noticed last night just how sweet this guy's smile is. I mean seriously it is the sweetest thing I have ever seen. He woke up FINALLY after 1.5 hrs of surgery with panic of me and hubby and nurse putting water in face, talking loudly to him, shaking him. Would not wake up and was a ragdoll for so long. Then in my sternest voice ever I commanded him to show us proof of life that I was scared.
And then........those beautiful blue eyes opended for a fraction of a second and a little goofy smile on his face with his" little half broken and half fixed two front teeth hanging as a overbite over lip"-smiled right at us.

I will remember that smile for a lifetime. He gave me my proof of life. He gave me what I needed.

Then there was waiting in the surgery with my Protector. Firstly he wept when they took his son into surgery. It touched me profoundly seeing this man love his son so deeply. He cried all the way down the elevator .God I love him. We ate our crappy sandwiches on the parents waiting room couch and tried to chat to pass the time more quickly. During this time he really professed his love for me..his love of me. For some reason it will stick in my mind the things he said. He said we would always be in life together as a team-no matter what. We are a team bc we are these kids parents and he could picture us sitting here always together in any circumstance. He said it would always be just me and him ,forever tied together for life by our immense love of the children we created together. It felt so bonding...to love them so..togeher. We feel exactly the same way the two of us about the three of them....we are passionate about them .....and this tied me to him in that moment and forever in such a special way. I treasured that moment to the same degree I wish it never had to happen. A paradox for certain.

And his night nurse, Anita,  her soothing wonderful voice. So secure, so smooth, so assuring. So lovely she was that nurse. I wanted to ask her if she could stay forever? She taught be how to treat my sick child like a Prince, taught me how the words could sound so sure, so sweet coming out of my mouth to my sick child. I will never forget the sound of her voice-it was if she had been put on this earth for that sound to be shared to those who needed it. She talked in such a way that he was respected, dignified and soothed. She made him feel way more than 11 yrs old and a baby at the same time. She respected his privacy as his gown slipped off in the back when he got into bed. She turned her head so he would feel not shy. She nutured him in a way I will never forget. She left in the morning and she was replaced -but she impacted us both this nurse.

At exactly 6:46am this morning Bear turns to me and says as in the calmest of voices "mommy can u please tell me when it is 6:50am-I must text Chase as he awakes". And so he does..words of love..and Chase texts back words of love from him and Beauty-back and forth it goes. Always ending with "I love u" Always. I love watching this love between my chidren this deep deep bond. They wake up wanting eachother and go to bed worrying about eachother. It's like a sibling love cocoon between the 3 of them so close and connected. Then.....of course when back together  soon they they fight, and compete and wrestle all over the place-but at least they say I love you all the time -that's a good sign of longevity I think.

And then I notice all the little but big things-the things I had before but have temporaily lost. His laugh, his strong posture, his hot temper, his quick remarks, his big hugs. I miss them all-but know they must come back soon. I pray they come back quickly.
In the meantime I take what I have.....a little , skiiny long haired blong guy who seems to talke offense to wearing any clothes and wants to be naked all the time. Big, tired blue eyes sunken in to his sometimes flushed but pale yellowish colored face. He still smiles at me once in a while...and he still says only really one sentence "I love u" he is filled to the brim with love. He is tired, he is hurting, he is stressed and frusterated.

But.......the good thing is about this bad, bad thing...

Is that he is going to get better real soon.

And I know in my heart, as sure as the sun rises every morning, he will be part of the sports program  he so covets and desires at his new highschool even though he missed the 3hr audition that was critical. It will find his way back to him. He is deserving. I know, he knows..we all know-

He will  be running, climbing, rowing, swimming, diving, camping, biking and everything else as often as possible with that powerful little body. He..and it...were meant to do great things. And he will.

Trust the dots wil connect. Believe in the Process. Come Complete with Capability. i am getting lots of practice that is certain. It will all work out...

No worries Bear.

Makes Perfect Sense

A few quotes and phrases that I picked up this week, being offsite for work, that I know will personally change me and the way I look at things. Don’t know where these quotes come from so unfortunately in most cases can’t give credit.

“Any event is neutral”

Meaning to me: We choose how we decide to think about anything in our lives. The way we think about something is entirely up to us.

“Because I believe in and trust the process “

Source: My smart, smart boss at work

Meaning to me: This means that she has the attitude in life that I soooo covet!!! She really believes in situations and people. She allows things and people around her to fail if that is what is needed and feels comfortable with it as she knows they will learn and be better at it the next time. Did I mention how much I learn from this woman??

Between action and reaction there is a space...which is choice (or something like that)

Meaning to me: Stop and think before you react-you always have a choice. You always chose what you decide to think or do.

Can you tell what my focus these days is? Letting life run its natural course. Believing the dots will connect. Having faith. Less interfering. More supporting and coaching

So far-I have to say I am pretty proud of myself. Two pretty badly failed math exams, 1 sports exam on Sunday of 3 grueling hours with no attempts for preparation, and a child who has barely changed clothes in 3 weeks while I have been away…. I can’t say I care all that entirely much about any of it (ok..ok still some anxiety but I sleep like a baby). This is as definate beginning for me of trusting the process.

Some things that hit me over the last two weeks of traveling all over the place…..is that I was reminded of the beautiful diversity of people. How different everyone is and how happy they all all can be in their unique and different ways.

I realized in my travels how people find happiness in so many different ways. It seems to come in so many forms…it is prescribed and claimed on so many various  levels Made me understand the universal feeling of satisfaction and how a smile means something different for each individual.

Today I left my last day ,of being away for work for a while,  with a very overwhelming feeling.:

How dare I get in the way of someone else’s path? How dare I claim to know best?

My job is to inspire. Their job is to follow their own paths.

It used to be my job to make them smile and make them happy. What I am beginning to understand and accept now is that what may make them smile might be different than what makes me smile. They need to find their own smiles. I need to sit back and watch them find that smile. And accept to  watch them do a whole lot of crying along the way.

I realized today that a really good Mother understands that:

…..their smiles belong to them.:).

Up-to-date Families

 In every parenting course I have ever given, or with any parent I have ever coached, I begin with the first ritual that I believe to be instrumental to any happy family.

I call it Family Calendar.

It takes 10 minutes a week-but truly minimizes minutes, hours and many  headaches for the remainder of the week.

It consists of all members of the family sitting down together for 10 minutes a week , every week on the same day every week , usually on a Sunday right before a new week begins,  and going over the family calendar together and what’s upcoming for each member (extra curricular activities, special events, exams, parent’s work schedules, birthdays and anniversaries etc..)

Most organized families I know have a central calendar for the family on their laptop or stuck on the fridge-but this goes one step further-it is the sharing of it that is essential. The discussion around it that is critical.

This simple ritual not only gathers the family together, but provides a climate of stability, security, predictability and comfort for everyone involved, It also forces the parents to be more organized and aware of where they and their children are spending their time and gives them important reality checks into their calendars.

I have found that just installing this one simple process into a household makes a massive difference into the quality of family life. Children crave security and knowledge and this format is all inclusive and they feel important knowing the whereabouts of both themselves and their loved ones.

It is especially important in families where both parents have busy and demanding careers so that the children have a sense of knowledge and understanding of who will be taking care of them and their needs when their parents are not there and at work. It comforts them to know Mom is in Portugal and Dad is working super late on Wednesday but that Grandma will be making dinner that night. They know that Friday night everyone will be back together and can look forward to special Swiss chocolates that will be brought home as a treat. It lets everyone look forward to the moments of the week ahead and prepares them for the moments that may be tougher or harder on kids.

I know in our own family it has been an instrumental tool in our household since my youngest was about 2 yrs old. Sunday night we go through our family calendar-directed by me.

This week we did “not have time for family calendar” (in quotes because as I write it I realize that it is a lame excuse, who cannot make time for 10 minutes!)

I saw the difference in our week already. Everyone is a bit all over the place and a bit mixed up. I am gone all week (again!) but back for one night tonight. No one could even look forward to me coming home because they did not know when I was returning. Beauty was all confused of who was picking her up from cooking and Chase had no one rooting for him for his big upcoming math exam. Just left us all a bit strangely disconnected. I even forgot to send my Hubby my itineraries of hotels this week or tell him where I will be staying the next two days!

So don’t be afraid to start this ritual in your home even if you have little ones or have little time. You will see the benefits very quickly. Makes you more organized, more in charge and more deliberate in the way you choose to spend your time.

Biggest Bonus: Your kids start to appreciate that Mom and Dad actually have a life too. It really pays off when one of them will turn to you and say “Thanks so much Mom for making time to drive me to my friend’s house Friday night. I know you had a crazy week and would probably rather be taking a nap.”

That’s when you get to turn around and say “Are you Kidding? No way! Driving you around is the best part of my week. There is nothing I would rather be doing right now”.

Happy Family Scheduling to All!

The Great Escape

I am often asked by people how it is so that my Protector and I are so close and communicative and aligned on stuff even after 15.5 yrs of marriage. (By the way, I will sometimes use my Guy or my Hubby for his name too. So important to me he gets a few names for my blogJ).

I often don’t realize how we may look or appear to the outside world. So when asked this question I really have to think about the answer.

I realized this weekend what a few of our success factors have been over the years and will list them below:

(Word of warning-we have also many, many areas to work on as a couple….to which we both always strive to do. I am much more the family “expert” than I am a wife “expert”. For God’s sake I barely cook or clean or know how to be a proper wifeJ This post focus on what we do well as a couple, but rest assured we have many areas of development. I am on a continous quest to learn from others about successful couples lives and I regularly ask couples who have been married for many years what their secret to success has been.

There are however a number of things that I believe have made us very successful-especially  in couplehood as it relates to parenting:

-Our Great Escapes. This weekend we impromptu hired a sitter overnight and took off the two of us at the cottage alone for about a 24 hr period. We felt we needed some time alone: time to chat, time to rest and so we made it happen and quickly. We basically did NOTHING for 24 hrs except read, cook a nice meal, watch a movie, stay in bed in the morning until 1pm, go for an awesome walk in the forest and sit in the Jacuzzi. It was amazing.

We do this fairly often for a couple with three kids. We have my Mom who often helps us out or we have a few sitters who are old enough to stay overnight and we train them well. Or we swap weekends with other couple friends and take their kids if they want a getaway.

I would say that we do maybe 4 -5 weekends per year alone time ands then a full two weeks in November alone on a trip. These times are priceless and truly amazing. It fuels us for the rest of the year. In the same way that a car needs gas to function-we need our time alone and away from our home.

What we have been good at is planning this in advance, and making it happen despite many obstacles. We don’t cancel for hockey, or ballet, or even a runny nose. On bigger vacations we have back-ups to our sitters in case of illness.

We protect our time alone. Fiercly.

-Our second factor that I think is a big success is that we often and regularly as a couple talk about and discuss our home, our kids, our values, our beliefs, our wants and our desires. We are "planning and strategizing partners" -we try to align on everything from the math tutor for our kids, to what friends we want to book weekends with at the cottage in the winter to how to best achieve a good system of where to put the laptops in the house to create order.

We have lists every Monday for more than an hour and talks in the car there and back from the cottage on many many issues, details and decisions. We are all present for weekly Family Calendar. This really, really works for us and has been the cornerstone of any peace and closeness that others observe in us.
Despite two very, very busy careers both family and friends remain top priorities for us always.

I was reading a blog I follow called "71 Toes" and she talks about the way that her husband and her do in their families what is called “Five Facet Reviews”.  Every quarter they fully discuss each of their 5 children. I realized that this was a beautiful way to articulate what my Guy and I have done in our family since each child was born very often and regularity. We discuss always many facets of their well-being (mental, academic (replaces her spiritual), physical, social and emotional).

We often discover problems before they occur; we foresee them and plan against them. We are very much aligned when it comes to our children.

-The last aspect of my Guy and I that I will discuss here is that we do a lot of things together. Most things actually and it has always been that way. We spend all our weekend together and spend time together every single day after work together (unless travelling). We make time for each other-always.

Time together is never something that we sacrifice. Even if the desk and kitchen are piled high with paper or dishes we take the time to sit and chat after work by the pool or by the fire with a drink and a snack.

On weekends we are almost always doing similar activities (both cleaning and organizing the house, both relaxing, both doing an activity together as a family, both with mutual friends etc...)

When we are on our laptops-we are usually  both on our laptops, when we read we both read, when we sleep we both sleep, when we watch a show- it is  most often together.

It is very rare with the little time that we do have outside of work  that we are apart.

So much so,  that this year we put into place a rule that we had to spend 1 hour apart in the evening!

Of course we do some separate things-I see my Mom often, I have girl spa weekends, I have a ton of travel and offsite stuff for work, he goes to cottage on his own sometimes, does his things, sees his people, but this is the exception.

Most of our friends are couple friends with children and this has been a saving grace for us as a family…when we socialize everyone is taken care of. He has his buddies, I have my girlfriends, and the kids all have eachother. We are all very, very close to each other’s families almost like cousins and see each other regularily. It really works for us.

So although my Guy and I are far from perfect as a couple and have some ways to go on areas that I wish came a lot easier to us…there is a lot of love there and a lot of deliberate work on our part to make our couple’s life and our family life successful and a place for happiness and wellbeing.

I might also mention that he and I are polar opposites. And I mean polar. He is a kind, patient, nurturing, and extremely intelligent, extremely sarcastic, warm, calm, humble, talented, domestic and caring person (you can only imagine what the opposites of those adjectives say about me!)

I have always loved the expression “Home is Haven to the Heartless World”
I have always meaured the success of my marriage by  when I continue to always want to come home from work to my husband. I am always excited to pull up into our driveway... and spend time..with him..talking about both of our crazy lives..

Are we focusing on the right stuff....I don't know?  Sometimes I think we are better at being really good at what we do well than working on what we do not do well at all as a couple. One thing I know for sure-we are in this together. For now that is what seems to matter.

My Trophy

She knows who she is.

You would fly across the world for an 18 hour stay for her. It would all be worth it because you know how much this award means to her.

It gives you personally tremendous global recognition, but you know that really it is her baby; her vision that got you here.

You planned together, worked together, cooperated together and shared the pure desire to win together. You did this  as a team. To win and you did.

You could not have done this without her… and her without you –it was a synergized compilation of both of your strengths and talents.

You and your team may hold the trophy-but it is she that owns it.

You can barely remember a time that you were not so believed in-so empowered and so motivated. She took you and she…..watched as you blossomed into the potential that you needed to become. She held you as high and as capable that one can be held-she watched with pride as you grew to exactly the place you needed to be. She let you make mistakes. She allowed you to run your own show.

She nurtured you.

She has always treated you with the utmost respect-the utmost dignity in all of your roles; as a professional,  as a mother and as a wife. She has watched you fall and watched you triumph. She has treated your life as an integrated and full whole.

She is what is meant by a LEADER. She leads by example. She is fearless.

You went to accept that amazing award-because by you going,she won too. You practiced and polished your acceptance speech because for her you being on that stage was all she wanted for her moment in the spotlight.

She was not there physically-but she was there emotionally. You had her with you every step of the way.

You will never, ever forget this remarkable person and friend who has so many wonderful skills and traits…but of all of them the most important one has been her belief in you and your capability to achieve things for which you had not thought you were capable.

Because of her……you will end up realizing your dreams. Because of her…you will know that you have dreams and what they are. Because of her you will strive in your own life to pay it forward and to fully believe in the powers of just believing in someone else and what this can do to unleash full potential.

Without her…..you may not have been able to come complete with capability.

With her…. you know you will always win.

Congratulations Canada! You did it!