His bed is across from from Bear’s at the hospital . He is a 9yr old boy but moves and acts like a 6 month old baby.
A big boy in a baby's body. I think he had brain surgery as his head is wrapped in bandages. He looks around the room his eyes darting everywhere in search of a mobile that isn't there.
I lie awake all night and hear the every sound of this boy-hear his breathing, hear his gurgling sounds, fear his seizures. I watch in the night as his diapers are changed-watch as his face lights up when the staff approaches.
I observe as he smiles and laughs as if tickled when he is given a battery of blood tests. He likes the human contact. I look when he stares into space and does not move hour after hour when everyone else is sleeping.
I watch as this child opens his mouth and makes a clicking sound with his tongue over and over again.
I feel like I have met him before-like I recognize him.
I realize have met him many a times in my mind. His name is "My Biggest Fear".
I want to ask his parents what happened to their precious boy.
What is hurting?
What went wrong?
What happened to their poor, poor baby?
But I cannot ask..
Because there is no parent or loved one to be seen
He is alone. All days and all nights.
All night long I fear him. I want to run away from him. I want to run away from his pain. I contemplate asking to change rooms. I am scared-Bear is petrified.
I would do anything to run as far away as possible. Back to my email, my boardroom, to my comforting and long to do lists.
I lie awake and pray for morning to come.
And it does..And with the rise of the sun I realize that all the sudden I no longer need to run away from him... my instincts all the sudden want to run towards him.
I have grown up overnight.
Living with Bear so sick has made me better as a person.
I face my fear-I gather my courage and I allow myself to feel-to fully take him in. To feel his pain, his aloneness, his suffering.
I walk over to his bed and I look at him.
He looks at me.
He looks deep into my eyes and welcomes me.
I don't feel like a terrible, awful cowardly woman anymore.
I start to feel alive again.
I want to sing him a little song. I want to touch his chubby face. If I knew he could eat chocolate I would sneak in the biggest bar.
I start to not wonder where his parents are anymore. I begin not to judge them.
I understand that maybe they have not been able to face their fears-face their son..yet.
I do not judge them; I have been them for one night myself. I wanted to run away too.
I feel like surely their hearts are broken wherever they may be.
I walk back over to my Bear in need of me to walk and go to the bathroom. He looks at me in shock as I come back from the big- boy- but- baby’s bed. What was I doing over there!!!!
I look at my broken now, but healthy son in the eye .....and I lose myself completely. I start to sob but I cannot stop. He has never seen me this way. But he understands...he and I have lived this together-he gets it. I cry and cry and hold my head in my hands as he watches and stares.
As he gets up I tell him we have a stop along the way. He knows what I am talking about.
We walk 2 feet to the next bed and he looks at the boy and says "Hi Matis-I am your neighbor" I look at Matis and say "If you need a friend-we are here"
And then it comes big and bright and beautiful and clear.
He smiles at both of us......
We come back from the bathroom and not only is Matis still smiling...he is laughing.
He is no longer looking around the room for a mobile that is not there.
He is looking for his friend; My Bear who is there.
We have made Matis happy.
Matis is not alone anymore.
Sometimes if we stay with our fear and face it and don't run away-we get to feel joy. We get to give it.
What Bear has just learnt can never be taught in a lesson or during one of our Family nights or by recounting it to anyone.
It is just there and we choose to ignore it or to learn it.
Today we chose to feel, to hurt and to learn together.
We choose joy.
