(some typos no time but wanted to post important)
I find in life whenever something bad happens-something good also seems to happen.
The bad thing is worse-but the good things happening are precious too.
I notice myself notice good little things when big bad things are happening.
I notice msyself looking for them all over the place.
Bear was rushed on for emergency surgery last night and it was pretty bad. The appendix had actually died in his body by the time they got in there and ruptured coming out. It all seemed so quick an sureeal.
He is beyond weak today, but he still has that same little brave and sweet and wiser beyond his years spirit about him.
I noticed last night just how sweet this guy's smile is. I mean seriously it is the sweetest thing I have ever seen. He woke up FINALLY after 1.5 hrs of surgery with panic of me and hubby and nurse putting water in face, talking loudly to him, shaking him. Would not wake up and was a ragdoll for so long. Then in my sternest voice ever I commanded him to show us proof of life that I was scared.
And then........those beautiful blue eyes opended for a fraction of a second and a little goofy smile on his face with his" little half broken and half fixed two front teeth hanging as a overbite over lip"-smiled right at us.
I will remember that smile for a lifetime. He gave me my proof of life. He gave me what I needed.
Then there was waiting in the surgery with my Protector. Firstly he wept when they took his son into surgery. It touched me profoundly seeing this man love his son so deeply. He cried all the way down the elevator .God I love him. We ate our crappy sandwiches on the parents waiting room couch and tried to chat to pass the time more quickly. During this time he really professed his love for me..his love of me. For some reason it will stick in my mind the things he said. He said we would always be in life together as a team-no matter what. We are a team bc we are these kids parents and he could picture us sitting here always together in any circumstance. He said it would always be just me and him ,forever tied together for life by our immense love of the children we created together. It felt so bonding...to love them so..togeher. We feel exactly the same way the two of us about the three of them....we are passionate about them .....and this tied me to him in that moment and forever in such a special way. I treasured that moment to the same degree I wish it never had to happen. A paradox for certain.
And his night nurse, Anita, her soothing wonderful voice. So secure, so smooth, so assuring. So lovely she was that nurse. I wanted to ask her if she could stay forever? She taught be how to treat my sick child like a Prince, taught me how the words could sound so sure, so sweet coming out of my mouth to my sick child. I will never forget the sound of her voice-it was if she had been put on this earth for that sound to be shared to those who needed it. She talked in such a way that he was respected, dignified and soothed. She made him feel way more than 11 yrs old and a baby at the same time. She respected his privacy as his gown slipped off in the back when he got into bed. She turned her head so he would feel not shy. She nutured him in a way I will never forget. She left in the morning and she was replaced -but she impacted us both this nurse.
At exactly 6:46am this morning Bear turns to me and says as in the calmest of voices "mommy can u please tell me when it is 6:50am-I must text Chase as he awakes". And so he does..words of love..and Chase texts back words of love from him and Beauty-back and forth it goes. Always ending with "I love u" Always. I love watching this love between my chidren this deep deep bond. They wake up wanting eachother and go to bed worrying about eachother. It's like a sibling love cocoon between the 3 of them so close and connected. Then.....of course when back together soon they they fight, and compete and wrestle all over the place-but at least they say I love you all the time -that's a good sign of longevity I think.
And then I notice all the little but big things-the things I had before but have temporaily lost. His laugh, his strong posture, his hot temper, his quick remarks, his big hugs. I miss them all-but know they must come back soon. I pray they come back quickly.
In the meantime I take what I have.....a little , skiiny long haired blong guy who seems to talke offense to wearing any clothes and wants to be naked all the time. Big, tired blue eyes sunken in to his sometimes flushed but pale yellowish colored face. He still smiles at me once in a while...and he still says only really one sentence "I love u" he is filled to the brim with love. He is tired, he is hurting, he is stressed and frusterated.
But.......the good thing is about this bad, bad thing...
Is that he is going to get better real soon.
And I know in my heart, as sure as the sun rises every morning, he will be part of the sports program he so covets and desires at his new highschool even though he missed the 3hr audition that was critical. It will find his way back to him. He is deserving. I know, he knows..we all know-
He will be running, climbing, rowing, swimming, diving, camping, biking and everything else as often as possible with that powerful little body. He..and it...were meant to do great things. And he will.
Trust the dots wil connect. Believe in the Process. Come Complete with Capability. i am getting lots of practice that is certain. It will all work out...
No worries Bear.
