Powerstruggling as a Verb

I should know better.

But cleary I don’t .

You should never ever enter into a power struggle with a toddler, a child or a teenager. Or you husband or your colleague for that matter. It is just not effective.

All the coaching I do on parenting and all the books I have read all say the same thing “Do not enter into power struggles.”

But also at friend's the other night she said “Do not touch this pot it is very hot” And I still did.

One of my favorite all time parenting bibles is “Honey I Wrecked the Kids” I remember reading it and thinking “if I followed this line by line I would cleary be the most effective Mother on earth.”

It lasted a few months and now I seem to be back to butting heads with my kids.

It affects the climate in our home. It makes it chillier and not warmer.

What I need to get better at is just applying consequences, often natural ones, without getting into a whole big fuss about it before. I need to just act and not warn. Talking about the consequence and fighting about it with my kids-on top of actually receiving it-is just a plain waste of time. Mine and theirs.

I mean to I really need to warn and remind my kid after 14 yrs of reminding that licking his plate like a dog at the table is not polite? Or telling my 11 yr old that coming into a room and going and flicking the back of his sister’s head is obnoxious? Or my 10 yr old that when an adult tries discussing with you her recent grade on an exam that doing handstands is not the right timing? They already know all this stuff. Problem is they don’t always choose to listen to it.

So my challenge these days is going to be acting with no warning:

"Bear-seems you have a lot of energy , so  go use it to clean up the kitchen please I can use some help."

"Chase-you know what; we don’t want to have a dog at our table, go sit by yourself in the dining room and finish your meal."

"Beauty-since you can’t listen to instructions without doing an acrobatic show,  go take a 15 minute break on the time out chair and come back when you are calm and ready to settle down."

I know this latter method is more effective. Kids take adults way more seriously when they don’t threaten consequences. I even don’t take adults seriously who threaten consequences. I see it around me all the time. Just like me, I would say most of my friends, family  and collegues fall into this trap and I observe it as an outsider…and realize that it is not working.” Be quiet or no dessert!" "Calm now or no story!” "Ask nicely or you won’t get it!"" Use your manners or you are going to bed early! "If you don’t listen to me you will lose all of your privileges".

And then they say it again, and again and again and again….it’s exhausting to even listen to it  as an outsider.

And then I go home and do this too with my own kids. All the time.

I have one friend who is as calm and collected as a cookie. With her kids there are never any threats. You won’t hear her saying “this or this will happen". It just does. And it is magical. So is her daughter by the way. I have never seen such a calm, polite and composed three year old.

My boss at work as a boss is also very, very composed. She trusts her team-she trusts people around her to do the right thing. She doesn’t warn them. Or threaten them, or scare them. She just trusts them. Lucky for me I have not failed her (yet I don’t think!) but I think if I did she would just quickly and painlessly carry out a natural consequence to an action. It would not be a huge fuss.

Why talk about something going wrong if most the time it will go right anyways?

So one of my goal (as of tomorrow-as I am having to much fun being my old bitchy self tonight!) is to just shut up around my kids more often. Keep my intentions and my lack of trust to myself. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Trusting them more and interfere less. Apply consequences quickly and swiftly and don’t make a big deal about them.

Keep Calm and Carry On

Lately I have been wishing that someone in my own life would dose out a bit of some benefit of the doubt. It’s actually what I am asking for Christmas this year and even sat on Santa’s lap today at a X-mas party and asked him directly.

So what I want from someone else I what I will give to my own kids. I will have faith in them. Until they prove me wrong.

I will do everything in my power to refrain from nagging, repeating myself, threatening, and sharing consequences and telling them what will happen if they do not do XYZ.

I will simply do it and we will hopefully peace will find it’s way back into our home.

In summary. I will try shut up as often as possible.

Merry Christams Family. What a lovely gift!

Be a Magic Fairy

I coached a guy the other day and his story broke my heart. (I have his permission to tell part of this story).

It wasn’t the story that broke my heart as much as his pain over the stress that this situation with his child caused him.

As he spoke of his son-tears welled up underneath his eyes. I wanted to reach out across the table that separated him and I and tell him to just let go. To cry-to allow himself to fully feel his emotions.

But the tears stayed behind his eyes. He kept his composure.

What touched me deeply about this situation was how strong a parent’s love for his or her child is. How unbearably hard parenting is and how delightfully incredible at the same time.

He asked me if I thought he might feel better one day once this situation is solved? I told him..that unfortunately it only gets worse. And thankfully also gets so much better.

With every heartbreak, disappointment and sadness your child goes through,you feel it likely much more than they feel it themselves.

But with each event, each rejection, each boo-boo, each failure-you also realize how limited your control on another person’s life you actually have and the events that will shape them.

Even if that person happens to be one of the ones you love most in the world.

It never gets easier-never , but it does get more predictable. You start to expect your heart to break. And expecting is easier than being taken by surprise I would say.

Sometimes I stay up at night and wonder “If I can’t handle XYZ now…how will I ever handle my child as an adult losing a job, getting divorced, having an illness? How can it be possible to ever let them go?”

It is not possible.

When you bring that baby into the world you just love them forever. You are stuck with them and they are stuck with you. Indefinately. They will always be your babies. You will always look at them and see them as they were when they were little. They are little-they are your little ones.

I definitely helped the man in front of me. I gave him hope. I gave him strategies, I validated his feelings. I listened well. I asked him tough questions. I shared with him hard answers.

All I really wanted to do though is tell him that it was ok to cry. I wanted his tenderness to seep out of him. I wanted him to let go of it. I wanted him to share it with me and allow me to take some of it away for him.

If there is one single thing I have learnt this year is that sharing with others our pain and our failures, our worries and our disappointments is really, really awesome.

Not only do you have a chance to let go….you realize just how many people around you have your back.

Today at work pretty much a stranger, a colleague I met only once came up to me and said “You look preoccupied-what’s on your mind? Can I help you-I am good at solving problems!"

So I sat down to lunch with her and her other problem solving friend ,and I told them what was on my mind. And they helped me.

Later she wrote me an email and said:

“I know that the outcomes that you are wanting will occur.  I am intuitive and I just know it. But if ever it doesn’t…then know that we are right there in the war room with you. We will help you.”

It’s amazing to receive kindness when you least expect it. I have listened for so long and it feels so good to be listened to lately.

It’s an amazing feeling to trust your tears and your fears into the hands of others. They will help you if you let them.

If you are looking for it-kindness surrounds you all the time. Not just in December but everyday of every month it is there is you access it.

Next time I see the guy I helped today, I am going to be courageous and I am going to let him know that I have his back. I am going to let him know that I will go to the war room with him if he needs it. I am going to let him know that I promise everything will be ok.

We will work it out. Tears and all. It’s ok.

Sometimes promising someone it will all be ok-if you believe that to be true..is the very best gift you can give them. People need magic fairies and you should be that for people around you. You can be magic if you try hard enough.

How to Know when you have been Married Way too Long…

You husband turns to you one quiet evening and says:

“How much did your wedding ring cost again?”

“What the ??????!!!!!”

"That is ridiculous-can we sell it and buy you a fake one and put the money towards a new boat. That is ludicrous- I mean who cares what you wear around your finger anyways-who even notices!”

“Seriously we need to sell them”

“Oh and by the way-I want to change rings myself-I don’t like gold anymore I want white gold. I went to the store and thought-maybe I will just change styles completely or not have a ring at all”

“Is this ok with you?”

oh yes darling husband..how romantic. Let's run to the dollar store now and see what we can find for me in the loot bag section!

No More Plowing Through

It’s a funny thing in life how our radars work.

We either have things “on” our radar or “off” our radar-depending on what we are listening for.

There are so many things happening around us that we choose not to hear.

Other times we are so sensitive and perceptive that we hear everything-and pull apart every single piece of the puzzle and analyze it.

Very often-I have chosen to plow through, my day, my week, my month and my year. Very often I chose to plow through my life actually.

It is very subtle but it happens one "to do list" at a time, one project at a time, one choice at a time. All the sudden all those moments turn into years.

“The days are long but the years are short”.

How many more moments will I choose to miss?

What I find interesting is when I am feeling upset, or sad or frustrated or down-my radar is most attuned to what is going on around me.

It is in these more negative sad moments that gratitude is most abundant for me.

It’s in the moments-where somehow I understand more how to stop and live, and be thankful and grateful.

I listen more to life through these rougher times. I stand and take notice.

I notice sweet and important things and I appreciate them.

A very senior leader at our company yesterday joining our team meeting and openly talking about some of experiences he had as a child and how these have impacted the choices he makes with his own children. The openness, the sharing, and the sweetness I experienced in him that day –this powerful man.

“In life to be happy… is Enough” he said.

My goodness. This is true isn't it?

“We need the right cocktail of people always"  he said right after. I liked that people were compared to drinks. It somehow made sense to me. I thought it was funny. I listened for humor and I found it.

Today after an especially stressful and frustrating day I heard more sounds around me. Sounds that made me happy.

A girl at the bookstore cash teasing her short and skinny boy colleague and asking him “if his tiny body” could bear carrying my heavy book bag.. And even though he was tiny and skinny and reached up about as far her large chest in height….he loved the attention she gave him. He basked in it. His smile was ear to ear. I thought of my own two skinny sons and realized how loved they must be by girls. It made me smile and breathe.

I loved seeing this interaction. It meant so much to me. Usually during my happy and plowing times I would never even have noticed him, his body, her teasing or her ample bosom.

I become grateful in tougher moments. I guess that is why I get to have them. Why we all do.

I asked someone important today “What do you tell yourself when things are tougher and he said "I tell myself it is Perfect... because it is".

I am going to interpret this as: Life perfects for you the journey even if you don’t know it.

Isn’t that the most awesome comforting thing?

So this week I feel gratitude and I feel abundance. I feel hopeful and I feel confident. I feel happy and I feel peaceful.

I feel that the secret to life in many ways is in the listening.

My hearing is in tune.

Patience is learned.

I am learning.

It’s Beauty’s 10th Birthday Around Here….

This is how is started this morning…waking up to her Candy Poster on her door. This is a new tradition that I started this year that I shamelessly stole from my sister Savvy (today she said on her blog "imitation is a form of flattery"..phew) We wrote 10 things that we loved about Beauty and stuck a candy on it for each year represented. She was soo happy-she adores candy. What a nice way to start your day when you are a candy addict!

Then the rest of our birthday traditions which we do every year:

We all pile in her bed  super early and wake her up with kisses and hugs. We give Beauty a birthday basket. She gets one bigger gift and a bunch of smaller gifts in a basket. Her two brothers went shopping for her too and spent more money than they have ever spent in their lives on their little sister.

I gave her a game for her DS that has Selena Gomez on the front but “Oh my God Mom! I hate Selena-she is my enemy. She is going out with my lover boy Justin Beiber-I can’t possibly like play this game!”

Thank goodness I also got her some other stuff and a cute outfit from NYC that my stylist fashionsita friend picked up last weekend.

Then she came downstairs and was surprised by what happens to her every year on her birthday and for which she insists continues to happen when she is absolutely not expecting it:

 We can't wait until she is all grown up and has a fancy and chic business suit out in the corporate world one day. Her Dad swears he will go to the boardroom and smash a pie in her face forever!

Then her Dad cooks her the next letter in her name in the form of a pancake and she eats it with syrup (we started late only three years ago-so no her name is not more than 10 letter long. Although to keep this tradition long term-  we will be doing, first name, middle name and last name)

Then she is off to school for the day where her teacher is making her go to recuperation for math at lunch even though she had a 78% on her test! Meanie eh? Thankfully I put a little treat and special note in her lunch to cheer her up.

In the evening her birthday dinner where Nana-Didi comes and her Aunt and Cousin came this year too. The birthday girl chooses the meal of her choice. Hers was pesto pasta, eggrolls, Greek salad, Shirley Temples to drink, ketchup chips, cranberry filos and tzicki.

An Angel cake for dessert which I made with Bear. This is a new tradition that I personally make their birthdays cakes .  We put food coloring in it to make it purple (Justin Beiber’s favorite color!) and put little M& M’s and sparkles in it. I wanted to hide a big gumball ,but was too scared someone would choke.

Oh ya almost forgot her favorite part about birthdays: No chores or cleaning up. She makes whatever mess she wants and we are her slaves and clean it up.

Her celebration with a few school friends is in a week on a Friday night and they are signed up for an acrobatic course at a circus training institute..

So my baby girl is 10 now. Double digits!! I remember wanting her so much I think I dreamed her to life. I am not sure any desire was as strong in me as to have a daughter. And I am so very happy we did-I cannot even imagine life without our baby girl. Happy Birthday Beauty!!!!!!

Deliberate Christmas Traditions

I am getting better at this stuff-and it makes me feel happier too! Bonus!

So  for this weekend I made space in my agenda months ago, to devote the entire two days to decorating, baking and getting excited about Christmas at the cottage. And this is what we did. Man did we all work hard.

For the first year we are having Christmas at the cottage. A bunch of family up there on December 25 and then my Mom staying on for a few days with us. I am sure we are going to love it up there at Trent. So Christmasy  to have the lake out there to skate on, a hill to toboggan on and a nice fire burning.

So this weekend we really got into the Christmas spirit. I have to say this is rather new for me-and deliberate. We always make a big deal about X-mas and do it well but often a lot later in the month when there is more rushing and more stress and more urgency.

Our attitude is usually like “Ok-we have a ton of stuff to bake and have 4 hours-hurry up everyone. Oh ya and have fun too! Where did our X-mas Cd’s go again-aren’t we supposed to play X-mas music while cooking?? Damn where are they!!”

Always been really good at the X-mas gift and stocking part and having a ton of people here on Christmas and entertaining. It’s the preparation part of it all that has been less jovial in the past. Let’s just say Advent calendars usually get on my nerves a bit. I am starting to appreciate them and the build- up to the big day.

So this weekend we did everything we set out to do:

We cooked 4 different Christmas baking recipes from Robert’s late Mother’s favorites and the kids were actively involved in each one . Cranberry loaf, dream cake, mochas and cranberry rice krispy balls. We made double recipes of everything so that we could give to out cottage neighbors and kid’s favorite teachers as gifts. You should have seen the mess of our kitchen and the amount of work this was! Thank goodness we have a big counter to cook around at Trent. The kids loved it though and was really fun for everyone. It took two entire days to do all this baking and make a nice Lebanese dinner last night. (no, no I did not cook any of it-that was Dad and the kiddies. But I planned it all out, organized it all, bought all the food, packed it all and made a schedule of what needed to be cooked with which child when. During the bake-offs I cleaned out all the closets and got organized for winter and made all the Santa lists).

We also put up and decorated a tree. Traditions is we put it up and the kids decorate it however they want. They are really good at this ..especially Beauty –she is a star. She looks carefully at each ornament and remembers where we got it from or which child made it. We aren’t the kind of family who needs a perfect looking tree-we like a perfect feeling tree. Loads of kids crafts from daycare on it, things they made us. Memories.

We played Christmas music all weekend. We watched a super funny Christmas movie in the evening “Christmas with the Kranks.”

We even made a gingerbread house today . This was my idea and I wanted to do this with the kids (did I mention how undomesticated I am?) I was all excited for this project and then my bossy husband took over. Finally we ended up letting the kids take over the project while I talked to my friend on the phone and this is how it turned out:

What a disaster! But is was sooo much fun watching them make a mess of it.

We took a long family walk in the forest. Actually Bear ran the whole path to try and start getting his strength back now that his 6 week convalescence is coming to an end and he needs to get back into shape.

We cuddled in front of the fire after dinner. That's what our family looks like most nights at the cottage in the winter. A true family portrait. I love winter at the cottage.

Hubby’s overall  comments of the weekend:

“It felt so good to bake my Mom’s recipes. So many good memories.”

(aww so sweet)

“Beauty and Bear are such good bakers-they made most the recipes themselves! Chase basically made 5 mochas, ate three of them, gulped a half liter of milk and sat there talking so much and would not shut up!” (Not a shock!)

It was not all candies’ and lollipops though. Don’t want to leave any false impressions that all we do in this family are the Hallmark moments.  Certainly don’t want to be a Mommy Blog that depresses people.

So amongst all of these close family moments you must understand that one kid lost technology privileges fro two days because he called his sister a “penis”, one kid refused to go on a mother/ son power walk and spend time together so I decided to cry and put him on a time out, and another child imprinted an obscene word on our gingerbread house and showed it while I made a video (and got sent to their room or something-I lost track by this point ). All a regular weekend overall!!!

Deliberateness is good for me and this family around holidays. It‘s a lot of work that’s for sure and a lot of planning but it really makes us all happier. It makes a big difference in our lives.

It was a perfect, crazy weekend. I was sad when it ended.  We all went back to work and school today tired, but our heart full. I particularly felt a heck of a lot more sad than when Halloween left.

This Friday- Questions and Answers

What do you recommend for a child of 6yrs old who cries every morning when she go to kindergarten? It is so heartbreaking and hard to leave them everyday as she seems so unhappy as I leave.

This is definitely a difficult situation and one that every parent passes through at some point in life with a child either at daycare, with a sitter or at school. I think the most important elements are ensuring that you feel completely at ease with the school you are leaving your child at? Do you feel confident and secure that it is a safe and happy environment?

If the answer is yes-then definitely do not give in to the crying or even pay it that much attention as this will make it even harder for your child to separate. You can talk to your child about her feelings and support her as she expresses her feeling about being separated from you-but if you are confident in your choice of schools- tears are just part of some kid’s process and school must be enforced always.

Perhaps ask your child if there is a picture or object she would like to keep with her throughout the day to remind her of home? Or have a Friday night plan she looks forward to for the end of the week-something special you do together or as a family?

Keep in mind-our children worry about what we worry about. If this separation makes you anxious very likely your child also feels anxious about it. If your attitude is crisp and clean and confident every morning and you don’t give the tears too much attention and say “Sweetie I love you and will be back soon and have a super day!”along with a big hug and kiss-your child I can almost guarantee after a few days of this will stop crying and have as much confidence in her capability as you do.

It is hard to see our children upset-but very likely as soon as you leave and she is engaged and playing with the other children, she will  have a smile back on her face . For your reassurance ask the teacher how she is after you leave to make you feel better about the rest of her day.

“You seem to be very focused on your children's high school education and the programs they do or do not get into-why do you put so much emphasis on this and why is it so important for you?

This is a very good question;  I ask myself it all the time. You are right for sure I do put a lot of focus on it and I in turn stress out a lot when it does not go the way that was planned.

I think for me (and very personal to me and not something I would necessarily preach to others..) I  feel that there are certain milestones in a child’s life that are very important that parent see them through and support them through.

I feel very strongly that I have certain very specific responsibilities at certain points of my kids lives (beyond of course my normal daily parenting and nurturing  roles).

For me when they were younger one of those responsibilities I felt very strongly about was doing everything in my power (which of course can be limited by many circumstances) to make them feel secure and stable. Making their life predictable in the way of routine, people , traditions and family time. Even going out on date nights with my Hubby I felt provided them with a sense of security where they could look as say “My parents love each other-they make time for each other” I wanted my kids to feel safe and secure and that "I had their backs" in whatever came our way. I wanted them to know they could count on me.

 

As they got to be a little older I always promised myself that I would teach them social skills very well and charisma. I find people in life who have presence often are regarded well on many levels and have more opportunities in life in general. I felt it was my responsibility to put a lot of emphasis on sociability, relationships, love, connection and authenticity in relationships. On family, friendships and deep connections but also on casual interactions with stangers on an everyday basis.I wanted my kids to learn the power of connecting with others and the happiness it could bring to their lives.

These are a few examples (amongst many others) of when they were younger of things that were really important to me.

It may sound crazy to some but high school for me (including the programs that they get into such as sports, music, international etc..) are the first milestone of setting my kids free. I feel in a way it is one of my last important decisions that I truly have control over when it comes to my tweens in some ways. It is the beginning of letting go (so, so sad as I write this:(.

Before I let them out into the world I feel that it is my responsibility as a parent to ensure that their “training ground for life” is an excellent one. High school and all of those delicate, awkward and sometimes tough years…can be experienced as really tough or really amazing and it’s very important to me to ensure the latter.

I feel that this decison can be life changing and can really influence the child's adult life as they don't have you anymore at that place as the front and center-they have the infleunce of the peer group. At least if the school itself and the values of the school are stellar-it's  a good start.

I feel in a way that it’s my gift for them. Until they really start deciding what they they truly need in their lives as gifts fully on their own. It’s my way of setting them up for success in the way I perceive it academically, socially, spiritually,  financially and otherwise.

Hope that answers your questions? Please importantly  note I am on a journey in the same way as many of you are when it comes to parenting. I may have some of the answers but I definitely don’t have them all-that is certain!

An amazing weekend to all!