I should know better.
But cleary I don’t .
You should never ever enter into a power struggle with a toddler, a child or a teenager. Or you husband or your colleague for that matter. It is just not effective.
All the coaching I do on parenting and all the books I have read all say the same thing “Do not enter into power struggles.”
But also at friend's the other night she said “Do not touch this pot it is very hot” And I still did.
One of my favorite all time parenting bibles is “Honey I Wrecked the Kids” I remember reading it and thinking “if I followed this line by line I would cleary be the most effective Mother on earth.”
It lasted a few months and now I seem to be back to butting heads with my kids.
It affects the climate in our home. It makes it chillier and not warmer.
What I need to get better at is just applying consequences, often natural ones, without getting into a whole big fuss about it before. I need to just act and not warn. Talking about the consequence and fighting about it with my kids-on top of actually receiving it-is just a plain waste of time. Mine and theirs.
I mean to I really need to warn and remind my kid after 14 yrs of reminding that licking his plate like a dog at the table is not polite? Or telling my 11 yr old that coming into a room and going and flicking the back of his sister’s head is obnoxious? Or my 10 yr old that when an adult tries discussing with you her recent grade on an exam that doing handstands is not the right timing? They already know all this stuff. Problem is they don’t always choose to listen to it.
So my challenge these days is going to be acting with no warning:
"Bear-seems you have a lot of energy , so go use it to clean up the kitchen please I can use some help."
"Chase-you know what; we don’t want to have a dog at our table, go sit by yourself in the dining room and finish your meal."
"Beauty-since you can’t listen to instructions without doing an acrobatic show, go take a 15 minute break on the time out chair and come back when you are calm and ready to settle down."
I know this latter method is more effective. Kids take adults way more seriously when they don’t threaten consequences. I even don’t take adults seriously who threaten consequences. I see it around me all the time. Just like me, I would say most of my friends, family and collegues fall into this trap and I observe it as an outsider…and realize that it is not working.” Be quiet or no dessert!" "Calm now or no story!” "Ask nicely or you won’t get it!"" Use your manners or you are going to bed early! "If you don’t listen to me you will lose all of your privileges".
And then they say it again, and again and again and again….it’s exhausting to even listen to it as an outsider.
And then I go home and do this too with my own kids. All the time.
I have one friend who is as calm and collected as a cookie. With her kids there are never any threats. You won’t hear her saying “this or this will happen". It just does. And it is magical. So is her daughter by the way. I have never seen such a calm, polite and composed three year old.
My boss at work as a boss is also very, very composed. She trusts her team-she trusts people around her to do the right thing. She doesn’t warn them. Or threaten them, or scare them. She just trusts them. Lucky for me I have not failed her (yet I don’t think!) but I think if I did she would just quickly and painlessly carry out a natural consequence to an action. It would not be a huge fuss.
Why talk about something going wrong if most the time it will go right anyways?
So one of my goal (as of tomorrow-as I am having to much fun being my old bitchy self tonight!) is to just shut up around my kids more often. Keep my intentions and my lack of trust to myself. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Trusting them more and interfere less. Apply consequences quickly and swiftly and don’t make a big deal about them.
Keep Calm and Carry On
Lately I have been wishing that someone in my own life would dose out a bit of some benefit of the doubt. It’s actually what I am asking for Christmas this year and even sat on Santa’s lap today at a X-mas party and asked him directly.
So what I want from someone else I what I will give to my own kids. I will have faith in them. Until they prove me wrong.
I will do everything in my power to refrain from nagging, repeating myself, threatening, and sharing consequences and telling them what will happen if they do not do XYZ.
I will simply do it and we will hopefully peace will find it’s way back into our home.
In summary. I will try shut up as often as possible.
Merry Christams Family. What a lovely gift!
