I coached a guy the other day and his story broke my heart. (I have his permission to tell part of this story).
It wasn’t the story that broke my heart as much as his pain over the stress that this situation with his child caused him.
As he spoke of his son-tears welled up underneath his eyes. I wanted to reach out across the table that separated him and I and tell him to just let go. To cry-to allow himself to fully feel his emotions.
But the tears stayed behind his eyes. He kept his composure.
What touched me deeply about this situation was how strong a parent’s love for his or her child is. How unbearably hard parenting is and how delightfully incredible at the same time.
He asked me if I thought he might feel better one day once this situation is solved? I told him..that unfortunately it only gets worse. And thankfully also gets so much better.
With every heartbreak, disappointment and sadness your child goes through,you feel it likely much more than they feel it themselves.
But with each event, each rejection, each boo-boo, each failure-you also realize how limited your control on another person’s life you actually have and the events that will shape them.
Even if that person happens to be one of the ones you love most in the world.
It never gets easier-never , but it does get more predictable. You start to expect your heart to break. And expecting is easier than being taken by surprise I would say.
Sometimes I stay up at night and wonder “If I can’t handle XYZ now…how will I ever handle my child as an adult losing a job, getting divorced, having an illness? How can it be possible to ever let them go?”
It is not possible.
When you bring that baby into the world you just love them forever. You are stuck with them and they are stuck with you. Indefinately. They will always be your babies. You will always look at them and see them as they were when they were little. They are little-they are your little ones.
I definitely helped the man in front of me. I gave him hope. I gave him strategies, I validated his feelings. I listened well. I asked him tough questions. I shared with him hard answers.
All I really wanted to do though is tell him that it was ok to cry. I wanted his tenderness to seep out of him. I wanted him to let go of it. I wanted him to share it with me and allow me to take some of it away for him.
If there is one single thing I have learnt this year is that sharing with others our pain and our failures, our worries and our disappointments is really, really awesome.
Not only do you have a chance to let go….you realize just how many people around you have your back.
Today at work pretty much a stranger, a colleague I met only once came up to me and said “You look preoccupied-what’s on your mind? Can I help you-I am good at solving problems!"
So I sat down to lunch with her and her other problem solving friend ,and I told them what was on my mind. And they helped me.
Later she wrote me an email and said:
“I know that the outcomes that you are wanting will occur. I am intuitive and I just know it. But if ever it doesn’t…then know that we are right there in the war room with you. We will help you.”
It’s amazing to receive kindness when you least expect it. I have listened for so long and it feels so good to be listened to lately.
It’s an amazing feeling to trust your tears and your fears into the hands of others. They will help you if you let them.
If you are looking for it-kindness surrounds you all the time. Not just in December but everyday of every month it is there is you access it.
Next time I see the guy I helped today, I am going to be courageous and I am going to let him know that I have his back. I am going to let him know that I will go to the war room with him if he needs it. I am going to let him know that I promise everything will be ok.
We will work it out. Tears and all. It’s ok.
Sometimes promising someone it will all be ok-if you believe that to be true..is the very best gift you can give them. People need magic fairies and you should be that for people around you. You can be magic if you try hard enough.
