Scary Mommy Moments

I thought I might list my “top 5 scary mommy moments” that I have had that have all occurred within the last 48 hoursL  Sad, but true.

Keeping it real! If I can share the good stuff I better damn well be willing to share the bad stuff too right?

Scary Mommy moment #1

Getting my daughters’ report card last night and having no time to look at it at all and tell her “that I am too busy working and to pls not disturb me” Forgetting to acknowledge it the next morning. Oh ya and did I mention she also “disturbed “me to tell me she loved the library book she read and loved it!

I told her to go away and pretend I did not exist for the evening

Scary Mommy moment #2

Turning a special surprise date with my son into a nightmare. I was mad at his attitude so basically screamed at him “DO YOU WANT TO BAKE A RED VELVET CAKE OR NAINIMO BARS WITH ME-HURRY UP AND CHOSE!”

Scary Mommy moment #3

Because my cleaning lady cancelled today and I am pissed off- telling my three kids that they have to come home and clean everything and do laundry themselves even though they have no clue how to and it is not their fault.

Scary Mommy moment #4

Being jealous of my daughter’s gorgeous hair. Today hers looked like butter cream and mine looks like a rat’s ass. We tried the same new hairdresser, who saved us a few dollars, but clearly preferred my daughter and decided to leave her looking like a human being. Morale of the story:Stick with your pricey hairdresser!!!!

Scary Mommy moment #5

Freaking out over both my son’s bad marks and not commenting on their great marks (yet)

Few more just because this is getting fun…

Taking my son’s cell phone away-just because. Can’t even remember why that is gone now.

Putting three xs’s within one minute on my daughter’s chore chart for the same incident because I was “triply” mad

Telling my son his long hair might have his new private high school kick him out if he does not cut it.

Marks and hair a theme here??????

Oh well. I tell myself there is always tomorrow.

And even good mommies. Have bad days.

I think tonight I will say sorry. I hope they don’t lock me out of my house.

Gratitude For.....

Cottage life where everything just seems to make sense. Where families snuggle and socialize and bicker and raise voices. Where family is together, often in the same room much of the time. Where the kitchen counter is central and meals are cherished. Where a candle is lit that is from generations long ago. Where life comes back to being at it's most spendid and real each weekend.

For a special colleague who listens and deals with the hard stuff. Who teaches me and learns from me at the same time. Who to me is the definition of what is a true high potential. Who just is..who she is and is herself perfectly.
Who truly listens and truly gets it and who shares with me-especially this week-as we both try and swim our fastest and hardest and arrive at the finish line together out of breath but beating the clock.

For Bear who says thank you each time we bring him skiing. For the joy he gets in cooking brownies with my Mom.

For Beauty who makes her Dad and I take the chair lift alone "to ensure we solve our problems and make what we are angry about better"( nice suggestion Beauty but today we would have needed a ski lift as long and high as Mount Everest to solve this one)!

For Chase who is missing his date night this month because he has a consequence but still said I love you so many times today.

For friendship that gets to go on and on for eternity. That is so solid that it does not get bent by bumps. That is wonderful and feels like coming back home again where we belong.

For Moms who cook black bean soup, homemade brownies and ignore domestic fights. Who love me, talk to me and take care of me all the time. Who remind me of what is wonderful and listen to me swear and rant and rave about what sucks. Who is honest and pure and like beautiful flowers who blooms with even more beautiful colors every year.

For life. For what it is and for what it is not-and for the blessing to be in it for so many todays.

(No Hubby you are not on this list this week. No way. Maybe next time)

Sorry to air my dirty laundry but need to keep it real!

Saturday Night Live

I have a memory from childhood that is cherished. If I think back to really happy times it always includes this one.

I think back to a train ride my Mom, Dad and I took together and they made me laugh the whole way with their silly, silly stories and impressions. Questions like "who would you rather be stranded on an island with for the rest of your life him or him???" Imitating my mean 4th grade teacher, the principal even.

Risky? Politically incorrect? Maybe! But man was it fun and crazy and memorable.

They always discussed drinking, sex, everything (on this train ride and anytime). Nothing was taboo. There was no doubt my parents were “cool” and my house was the fun place to be.

So as much of some of the non- structure and more “friends with your parents attitudes” affected me in some more negative ways-I will always hold dear some of the great fun we had as a family too-especially when my Dad was well. Our dinnertimes and weekends were filled with laughter for many years.

So last weekend at the cottage Chase and I had some of our own fun and it brought me back to my own childhood memories.

We eat late at Trent. Dinners typically end around 10:15pm on Saturdays! So this week in particular, in lazy moods we all left the dishes to deal with later and the table not cleared and plopped down on all the cozy couches under the throw covers.

And we laughed. Correction: I made them crack up and pee there pants.

I imitated all their teachers and tutors.  It was the funniest thing on earth-maybe not the nicest thing......but really fun.

And that is what I loved about my own parents-they could let loose...much more often than I could but they could do it well. They were not always the perfect role models, but it was this vulnerability and imperfection that really impacted me as a kid-that I found comfort in. They were not always model citizens-sometimes they were just them. Last Saturday was not about teaching values, and having rules, and cleaning up, and saying what sounded right and good.. Basking in the love and fun of our little unit together and laughing about the time when the tutor farted and tried to cover it up.

So after 30 minutes Chase and I had lost the three other family members to sleep-on the couch. He and I chose and extra hour of laughter and repeated all the funniest imitations from the first hour.


He switched couches and cuddled with me on mine and we pulled out a bag of chocolate chip cookies and ate it all and he poured us milk into martini glasses. I told him all the funniest stories from when I was in grade 8. Some of these stories included some things I don't encourage in him on a daily basis-but it felt good not to only have teaching moments and to have sharing moments too. It's amazing how hearing a parent say a "bad" word can bring kids to such place of joy!

We finished our night in the kitchen the two of us cleaning up the disaster while the others snored. We both had a phenomenal evening and it bonded us in a special way.

 I am not usually able to let this loose….I am much more guarded in front of my kids. The 10% of the time I am…I realize how much more often I need to do this. I need to realize teens are different than kids and I believe we need to relate to them on different levels if we want to get it right. I had had a tough week full of difficult conversations, sadness, surprises and stress overall both at work and at home. I needed a breakthat night. Apparently so did Chase.

My parents got this part of the puzzle right during adolescence. I grew up under their caring and watchful eyes-but also became an individual. I was allowed to grow up. I was allowed to bloom and grow and discover. They appreciated in me-what was me-and who I was instead of what they may have wished I was. They did not treat me as though I was a 10 year old when I was 17.

They appreciated that adolescence is complex and crazy and they allowed me to share in our home what was unique to that time of our lives.
They would never allow an occasional swear word or drink get in the way of the fact that I was a really good girl.

Never once as a teenager did I feel the need to rebel against my parents.

I moved towards them (well my mom at least1) instead of away from them (her) and gained the benefit of adult guidance and opinions based on honestly and trust and not covering teen stuff up to feel I met there expectations.

My friends flocked to our home and still seek the wonderful guidance and love of my Mom.

She still makes them laugh with her stories.

At my Dad's funeral many of our friends were there-recounting how he helped them evolve in there life and question their values, there thoughts and their religions. My Dad I realized set many of my friends free as teenagers...to become exactly who they were meant to be instead of who their parents though they ought to be.

In their words and eulogies they said my Dad saved them and helped for them to go on and marry the right people and have the careers that suited them instead of trying to fit the mold their parents carved and making decisions based on either pleasing or rebellion.

They all acknowledged that my Dad....was very messed up in his life in a lot of ways and had many shortcomings in other areas,

 but he had also given them many gifts along the way.

They felt respected and heard.
My parents did that.
I am proud of them.

So that weekend was in honor of them. Mom and Dad thank you for my playful side....it's there...and more and more often.

I am beginning to seek it out in others to...and need it. As much as I seek it out in myself.

 I am beginning to realize that although seriousness and stability and order call my name-I also am searching for that other part of me that I sometimes feel was left back on that train.
I am beginning to realize that as our children get older it is this side that may mean the most to them.

Thank you for this reminder. Playfulness will always be something in me-which I am grateful
to you both for.

It is often in these times of play that I feel most happy and most authentic as surprising as that may seem. Even to me.

Message (s) in a Bottle

Sometimes life is just crazy.

Someone I know really well whose Hubby had a vasectomy a year ago…is now pregnant with twins and just announced it officially!!!!! Ya ya..we had a few suspicions over the last weeks but thought a large lunch was responsible not an unexpected pregnancy! I mean this qualifies to me like  the the birth of baby Jesus(s)!

Life certainly presents us with surprises doesn’t it????

So just found out this big news. BIG news. And started to wonder: What would I do in this situation? Could I handle this?? What would I do? Anyways just made me put my own life into perspective a little and made me think a lot.

I thought it deserved a blog post and she agreed I needed to post this on my blog so that she actually sees it written  and actually believe it herself!

I guess it all depends how we perceive the way we handle surprises in life; do we view them as obstacles or as gifts of fate? How do we handle in life what we have not planned or expected? I think it is in these moments when we are  trulydefined as people. Where our true characters are revealed. The planned stuff is a piece of cake really because we have time to think, and absorb and deal with our thoughts. The unplanned stuff  is where the real fun begins. How do you handle cards that are thrown at you or towards you without your “consent” necessarily? Are you graceful? Resentful? Able to cope?

A Huge congrats to this amazing girl who will now have a double surprise on top of her existing crew . Knowing her and the wonderful Mommy she is….this was certainly meant to be for those two babies and they will be lucky to count her as their MomJ She is a woman filled with grace…and I am in awe of how she is handling this news.
She will definitely be the type to handle this news as a gift and never look back. She will embrace every moment of it (as soon as she is out of shock and off the floor).

As for me? Well I am terrified that this would happen to me too now!  (selfish I know thinking about me during her big news) I called my own Hubby and he was paralyzed with fear too for us-poor soul . I guess my next bath with him will be next Valentine’s day eh?

Well I do like the little powered scent of babies…..their cute little dimples…their adorable little noises. Hmmmmm…

Not!

The Lessons of Fear

This morning the “I Love Boobies” bracelet took on a whole different meaning for me.

As I sat there waiting, I looked at all the women in the waiting room who like me had been asked to go there and get an ultrasound because a suspicious lump had been found.

What an awful feeling. What a feeling of complete hopelessness and fear they must be all feeling.  Every woman in that room.

I felt so lucky to have had the funds to pay the high ticket price to rush and get the appointment immediately without  a wait at all. Imagine having to wait months and months under the public medicare system as many people do? Torture.

I was told during the very high teach ultrasounds “right normal” “left normal” .Music to my ears of course.

What had an impact on me today though was how our perspectives change so much about literally everything when we think that there is any small chance that health may be taken away from us.

I became keenly aware of this again at the end of last week also as I learned that a close friend of ours is having some serious health issuesL. It has been on my mind since and hasn’t left my thoughts often. I think of this person and how life has been changed and impacted. It does not seem fair or right. Does it ever?

It’s in these moments of reflection I  think we are at our best really, because we are afraid.

Our heads are clear, and our hearts are open. We are grateful and we are kind. We thank goodness for the support systems we have, and we are grateful for the health of the loved ones that surround us.

Nothing in those moments matters more than being able to go back to our comfort zones. With our health intact.

But what about the ones who leave those room with bad news?  Who don’t have anyone to share the news with? Who don’t have the funds to expedite private tests and care and who have to wait months and months in fear and desperation?

What about them?

And I find it sad that I only have these thoughts when suddenly I am thrust amongst this group…that I may have something at stake myself? My empathy increases as my own situation declines?

What I can say though over the last two years is that these moments of clarity occur much more often for me which I am proud of. They are there at times other then in waiting rooms. They are there without being necessarily coupled with fear.

They are there because I am clear on what I want from life much more in the last two years. I live my life much more now…with the feeling that any day really could be my last one. I have bucket lists, I follow my heart, I take more risks, I have more order, I do more silly things and I have deeper conversations and connections. I love to a different level.

I know what I am searching for now, wheras I did not have that clarity fully prior.

I daily try and remind myself of my Happiness Project and what is in it. I am much more aware of what I need and what others may need from me as I go thought this life on earth.

So although it’s far from perfect or completion and a continuous work in progress-this awareness brings me some comfort both in that office today and outside of it now.

So as I went back to my car , even though a driver cut me off, even though the directions my Hubby gave me to get to the clinic were incorrect, even though I know tonight I will need to stay up half the night  working having been absent for 1.5 hrs. for this appt, even though I have a massive headache and a whole lot of sadness on my mind:

 I felt extremely light and lucky as I left there today

And as I looked at my phone and saw two very sweet messages from my Hubby and my Mom (one saying “I love your boobies! And one saying I love you!) Guess which is which???

I felt not only light and lucky-but loved.

And I vowed to myself to try and bottle up that feeling of gratitude, but more importantly  also of empathy and sadness ,and keep it with me not only during crisis times, but everyday.

To remember and keep with me always that feeling in that office today and let it fuel my heart going forward.

Perfectly Grey

I realized today an important ambition of mine.

It’s to be able to wear glasses that are grey.

Not Black. Or White. Not the Rose type either.

A perfect shade of grey would look great on me.

And I guess you get it by now that I am not talking about real glasses? I am talking about the lens that we each choose to see life through.

I think up until now I have been a black and white kind of person when it comes to glasses. 

Not the rose colored glasses unless I am feeling really, really down and desperate.

 I also tend to surround myself with people who look like me; I am drawn to them.So in essence I have many people around me, loving me and me loving them but all looking at things in the same light.

It’s this way for me-or it’s that way. But  the problem is that this  is not working for me anymore. It brings a lot of success, but not as much comfort as I am looking for in my life at this stage now.

Ambiguity has been a theme for me in the last two years and to do ambiguity well you need grey glasses. The zone is grey and to see it well you need the right colored glasses right?

Isn’t it interesting what happens when you allow yourself to change?  Open yourself up to it. It’s interesting what emerges. It’s fascinating what may be there that you have not been able to see before.

This week I started really black and white and then what seemed to be out of necessity at the time- switched to gray. I found that as I switched my lens, my Protector was different too.

New sides emerged. New pieces. More space was made. He took up more space because my glasses were grey. He likes grey I think. It’s weird for him, and hard, and to some level uncomfortable to see me this way, but it’s good for the love between us.

He came to some conclusions for me that were really good. That really made sense. That my brain-when I had on other lens could not piece together or identify. He was able to solve a piece of a puzzle for me this week. Just like when my brain wanted a daughter, just like when my brain needed my six month old to sleep through the night and find a methodology. Just like when my Dad died.  Just like when at one point there was a big conflict between me and one of my brothers. Just like when Bear was in surgery and he needed to be at an audition that would change the course of his future .

You know those "Aha!" moments when you almost say aloud "Is that so?? That makes so much sense! Now I GET it!"

My brain may work in black and white and gets me many places. But his brain? His brain kicks in on overdrive when mine is just completely out of battery and has gone stale. Gosh his brain is good! 

His brain works for the really, really important things.It goes on complete overdrive when it matters.

I am going to train my mind this year to perceive things in different ways that I am used to. I am going to take that leap for ambiguity to be a place that is good enough to be, instead of a place of  in- between before the real thing. I am going to start training my brain to see that ambiguity could lead to paths that would not be there if the road was already fully paved.

For this week anyways, and hopefully the next one, and the next one after that ,I am going to rely on faith and not logic.

It’s more than a leap of faith for me. It’s really going to become a transformation

I started out with Trusting the Process

Now I am going to Believe.

To Own our Choices

“Sometimes it's the smallest decisions that can change your life forever”

Keri Russell

I saw this quote yesterday and it really resonated with me. I find it amazing in life that what we do (or don’t do) can change us and the outcomes to such a large degree. It’s as if every step we take makes a difference.

I find this both extremely powerful and terrifying at the same time.

I have had a few conversations with our children this week on the impact of what we do in life or do not do. What we choose to say or not to say. It’s all a choice.

We have had a few situations in our life lately where we have had some big choices to make (as it relates to some extended family difficult conversations and negotiations that have been ongoing).  We have chosen to rely on our fundamental values during these more difficult times and hope that these guides and foundations lead us in the right directions in our interactions and decisions.

The kids also in the last weeks have come up against a few situations with their friends where they have had to choose their behaviors and actions.

We have had some good conversations at our dinner tables as of late. Last night I could have sat there all night it was so interesting (never did get that bubble bath with Hubby in on Valentines!)

I guess if we have a compass in life that guides these decisions we should be on the right path. It’s important to know by which values we make decisions.

In our family I am trying to teach our children that both of our beliefs is that honesty and integrity are at the core of everything. I sincerely believe that no one can ever be too honest or have too much integrity.  You can never look back if you use these two values and say “I wish I did not do that”.

My belief is that if these two things override everything else-we will always ensure that our decisions are the right ones.  We cannot change others but we can always feel pride in a situation where we feel we have respected ourselves, the other person, and always ensure a sense of grace. We need to look back and feel we did good and not bad. We told the truth.

Between action and reaction-there is a space..and that pause-is a choice.

Love this quote-have no idea who said it and if I used the right phrasing-but it’s what I want to teach our children is at the basis of what we believe in as their parents.

I want our children to always know-they have a choice in whatever hand life deals them. They can never control others-but they can always control themselves.