Honest to Goodness Conversations

I had the perfect conversation this week.

I took my son out for ice-cream and we talked and talked about everything under the sun together.

The conversation took a lot out of me. It called for every ounce of honesty and integrity that I had in myself.

It was not a child conversation but an adolescent conversation. It changed the both of us in a lot of ways and set us in a new direction.

It was an amazing and great outing and talk.

I won’t disclose what we talked about because it is private between Bear and I, but I realized that we have created between us this open and honest dialogue and I could not have been more grateful for it.

And boy stuff  too! I had not known I had it in me to be good at that.

So he asked me a ton of questions, and at times I had the urge to tell him what I wanted him to hear but instead I went for the truth each time.

And let him make his own choices based on my own truths.

I always wondered a bit what was wrong with me as I had so little joy making puzzles, and doing crafts, and chasing toddlers around shopping malls when they were little. What was wrong with me as a Mother that I did not seem to love this stage at the same level as most others do?  (I still liked many parts of this stage but also did not like alot of other parts if I am being honest).

But now…BRING THIS ON!  Motherhood is joyful when I get to listen, and coach and answer intricate and tough questions. Analysis, complexity, emotions and feelings. This is the best! And with a cone of ice-cream out in the sun? Even better.

It seems that most I speak to start super close to their kids but end up more distanced as they enter their tweens.  For me it seems to happen in the opposite way I guess. I guess we all do mothering differently.

So although I always thought I would be the Mom of girls and secretly prayed for girls my whole life, although I feel more than blessed to have my beautiful daughter, I feel so grateful to be the Mom of boys.

I LOVE being Mom to Sons.

I love their ways, their differences and their way of being.

I love that they love and need their Mommies in the ways that daughters love and need their Daddies.

These boys have completed me in the way I always knew a daughter would.

I love this Boy Bear a ton.

Are they OK?

For me, since I became a parent 14 yrs ago for the first time, this seems to be the question that is most often on my mind.

Taking priority over many questions and concerns of the world really.

And even though I know they are perfectly ok, I still wonder, and still worry and still ask myself that question sometimes many times a day.

And this anxiety is not situational at all-it is not necessarily caused by external stresses, it is just always there and seems to follow me around.

And it’s not because I would change anything in our lives or circumstances in the least. Some may wonder-would you rather have more time with them, stay at home with them, walk them to school in the morning to ensure they are ok?

The answers are solid: No. No. No. It’s all good the way it is. Exactly what I want.

Would you prefer to homeschool them and keep them at home to make sure they are out of harm’s way?

The answer if: Definitely not-are you trying to kill us all??

But I love those kids to bits, I really do and if you asked me my most important wish in the world it would be that they all three just be ok. Happy, Healthy, Well-Adjusted and Fine. And I want them always to have their Dad and Didi….always (and me too).

It’s funny that the things we worry about in life are often the things that take care of themselves the most naturally. That happens without our interference. But as we worry, we forget this fact.

It’s also interesting to note, both from what I have observed in my own family and many other families whom  have made the same observations, that often the more we “take care” of kids the less ok they actually become  in the future.

We see it with first children vs. second and third children. Many first children are made to feel like Kings and Queens and the world resolves around their every need. We solve all of their problems for them, and nurture every wish they may have in some cases. Not a day goes by that they are not constantly on our minds when they are little. Nothing is good enough for them.

Then comes the Second, and then the Third. The reality really shifts for everyone.

Suddenly we have three and our brains are not big enough to have all three and their constant needs on our mind. So our brain often still resorts to the first kid’s needs taking up the most space because we are accustomed to it and also because they go through everything in life first. Firsts of anything are always the toughest. First births, first day care drop offs, firsts day of kindergarten, first fight with friends, first kiss, first heartbreak….

So the Second and Third fend for themselves much of the time. And we worry less about them.  Hence they become more autonomous, more able to solve their own issue and more self reliant.

And much more ok in many instances really.

In my family, my Third even took up jogging and as of this week goes for a run everyday after school by herself!  No one ever suggested this to her, we never discussed this and she decided to do this completely on her own. She is a runner now and she is more than ok.

She is on her path of what is good for her. She is blossoming into what is perfect for her.

So all that to say , I am conscious of my anxiety of “are my kids ok?” and also the way that my worry does not seem to be evenly distributed among my children for no other cause then birth order.

I look around the world at the people I know well and the strangers around me too and I think to myself-they are all ok and every thing will turn out just fine. From the girl from the gym who seemed to put on a little weight, to my friend going through a complex divorce, to another friend struggling with infertility, another contact who lost their job…. it all somehow seems to have a way of working itself out.

Why wouldn’t I naturally expect the same for my own kid’s lives?

So for me the perfect parenting blend continues and will always be careful considerations, big packs of planning, drizzles of deliberateness, tweaks on traditions, focus on family time and load and loads of love.

The absence of anxiety would be great and fabulous. I am sure if I want it hard enough I can add it to that mix.

And then we would have the perfect martini.

The Red Carpet

It’s funny that I often get the question of how my family and I find the time to relax (especially as it relates to couple time) but also seem to have a very busy and hectic and full  life.

I thought our family outing last night would be a nice little example to illustrate how we choose to relax often but also manage to get things done often enough.

Basically-we do things really fast and quickly. That’s the secret for us. Rush, rush, rush from one thing to the next. And care very little about details is the second magic secret (not sure this is a perscription for anyone else, just a reality for us and a choice we have made)!

Hubby and I went to the cottage alone this weekend and took Monday off from work together.

We had a huge very fancy event on Monday night that we had to leave house at 6:30pm in the city for all dressed up with the kids. It was the JC Perrault opening in Laval. I would not shame this store to even call it a store, as it is so much more than that . All this to say over 500 people were invited to this special event-it was a phenomenal inauguration.

We got to be invited because the Perrault’s are our new neighbors at the cottage and our kids are friends with the Perrault kids.

So everyone had to look much put together for this red carpet affair (with a big real red carpet laid out and everything!)

We all had to be ready to leave our home at 6:30 pm sharp.

Four out of five of us walked in the door at 6pm completely a mess and having not showered or picked out our clothes yet (actually one at 6:10pm).

And we managed to leave at 6:30pm and even made time for a picture.

Our trick is we maximize any relaxation time we have until the very last second. Always. At any expense. And then we run crazy wild during anything not as pleasant as relaxing or quality family time. It's like a big workout.

So here we are looking decent. Please note there are many details that cannot be seen on this picture:

1-I have two massive runs in my tights because no time to find a good pair. And the runs totally showed. The mascara I am wearing is from 2 days prior because since then I did not bother to take it off at the cottage.

2-Hubby did not brush is teeth and his shirt is pulling on him as one size too small.

3-Bear is wearing a shirt two sizes too small because the color is just too amazing on him and brings out his eyes so was worth the pulling of buttons in the front we decided. His outfit is just too cool to care about sizes and fit. He also has a sprained hand and should  have been at the hospital getting an X-Ray instead of the gala. (We also wrapped up his hand in those 25 minutes in bandages).

4-Beauty’s dress is literally 5 sizes to small and too short! As in SUPER short. It is size 5 and she is a size 10 and refuses to give it away. She is also wearing makeup that I did not even know she knew how to put on or had a chance to decide if she is allowed to wear. The Perrault's thought she looked like a movie star so guess the short look worked out for her.

5-Chase-Well actually when it comes to him in the looks and style department there is very little to say. He always works it out somehow . Also very quickly, as in 1 minute, since he had a huge project for school. I will be sure to pick on him about something else in a future post.

Note: The person taking the picture (my Mom)  had no clue how to use a zoom  or a camera and so the first 4 shots were AWFUL (head cut off-far, far away) and I was sitting there shouting while she kept trying “Mom didn’t you take a photography course this Fall!!!” During my shouting the kids kept running upstairs one by one to get gum to freshen their breath since no one had time to brush their teeth so by the time my Mom was finally time to take the picture there was always one kid missing!

In the car the kids chastised me for “not giving their Didi a break” apparently she is too old now to know how to take a pictureJ

It’s funny when you look at a picture. All you see is what others want you to see right? I am here to tell you the truth about ours.

All of this chaos for an extra 45 precious minutes at the cottage in the Jacuzzi and it was worth every single minute.

So that’s how we manage our lives pretty much everyday and if it were not for this blog not sure anyone would notice or care about our fashion slip ups or our lack of hygiene at times! We trade relaxation for many many things on many levels.

The event was fabulous-truly amazing with lights, and media and amazing food and gorgeous gift bags. Our kids felt like little superstars being the only kids along with the famous Perrault’s.

So that’s how we do it.

PS-Once we got to the event we drank and ate a lot and sat on a whole bunch of couches from exhaustion and let our kids pretty much run wild on four massive levels.

PSS-I had some extra pantyhose in my purse and didn’t find the time or energy or will to bother to change. I was very content relaxing next to my Hubby on the orange leather fancy couch sipping champagne thank you very much.

Wierd Inspirations

I have always thought of a gym as somewhere that I want to be inspired.

Somewhere where I look at a goal and think to myself “I would like to achieve that or be that way”

I mean it takes a lot of energy to go to a gym. To pack up your stuff on a snowy blistery day and motivate yourself early on in the morning to start jumping, running and lifting heavy things. I think you should at least have some type of visual reward for your efforts don’t you?

So recently I changed the way I do gyms. I tried joining one gym that offered the type of class that works for my back and neck ongoing pain issues at times that work for me, but that did not seem to work out well. There always seemed to be something at works that made me miss the scheduled class and I could not always commit to the weekly class.

So a few weeks ago I changed up the routine and cut a deal with a couple of gyms of a unique “pay as you go” format. This way the class I want to take which is always offered at 9am and not earlier (guess it’s normally for people who don’t work aka in older people but I am limited in what I can do with my back..sigh). Now instead of just having the option of 1 day a week to take it ,I can take it one of three days at a choice of two different gyms-gives me more flexibility.

So all this to say I went to these classes a couple of times now at both gyms and although the classes are great and perfect for me something really odd struck me.

Why is the person giving this class not really very inspiring?

At the risk of sounding politically incorrect: Why were they both overweight, out of shape and not at all what I am going to these classes for?

Isn’t this odd? On two counts too?

The first was a woman who was much older than I would have thought to be giving a class at a gym (I mean I know that the class is adapted to pain issues but many of us are in very good shape and fit and between 30-40). This woman although extremely sweet and personable had no clue how to dance! And there she was in the middle of the room, stoic, robotic and dancing a little bit like a scarecrow if I needed to describe it. Smiling away and adorable.

Well I thought to myself…..that was nice of them to give her a job here. I guess she is a substitute or something. No she is not-a friend of mine had her the next week for her class and wrote me a text at the break also freaking out a bit.

Next class different gym another type of class entirely. The woman teaching it was also not fit at all. She professed that this class was amazing and incredible and changed her life so that now she is certified herself. Her belly was huge! And no she was not pregnant!  How is this supposed to inspire me and want to work out week after week sweating and panting?

There is something here I don’t get?  Why would these particular woman be employed as fitness specialists if they are struggling themselves with weight and fitness? I mean don’t get me wrong..lovely ladies and all. Just instructors for fitness classes? Why?

I am not in the least anti-feminist or trying to be mean…I am just a little perplexed I mean isn’t there something to the old model whether you get to look at the gorgeous, skinny blond aerobics instructor while you work out and wish you were them? Or even if she is not skinny or thin get to envy how fit and toned she is and how energetic? What happened to those instructors from the good old days (now I sound really old!!)

Anyways despite these confused and perplexed feelings, I  somehow love both classes so they must be doing something right. I always try to take something positive away from any situation and I guess the morale of this story for me is that as of 40 yrs. old you don’t do exercise to look better really (sad but true) but more to maintain what you already have (better like that) or to feel better or both.

Exercise after 40 just isn’t what it was when you are 20 yrs. It’s more for the spirit and the soul I guess. Or making friends with the teacher since they don’t scare or intimidate you at all.

I look at these teachers and think to myself” Wow if they give 7 classes a week and this is their result not sure mine will be life alternating with 1-2 classes-but it still makes me feel good and feel better and my back certainly needs it. Our reasons to exercise may change as we get older just like a lot of other things we do.

So as I attend my classes, gone is the envy and inspiration and motivation of coveting the body of the woman teaching the class and more is the sentiment of……we are all in this together.

Really good part is I feel actually incredibly toned and young if I compare myself to the instructors! I have not felt as pretty and fit at a gym  since before having my kids.

Anyways just wanted to share as I found this experience..just really odd. It’s one of those things that happens that if you have a blog you write about it to sort out your feelings. Odd.

Un Vrai Education

Sometimes in life there are moments where you just want to run away and hide and pretend you are not the parents of “those kids over there”. I had a few moments like that myself over my holidays in Stowe where I prayed that no one in the pool would associate me with those three, whining, loud and misbehaving kids.

I prayed even harder they never stumbled on my parenting blog where I hand out my amazing advice to many!

Well there are other days that come along where as a parent you just feel so proud of your child and yourself as a parent too You sit back and you think “Oh my God…..this is incredible. I had something to do with this behavior?”

Last night was one of those times. At parent teacher night with Chase at the high school.

So yes we were there to meet a few teachers, and were “invited” to these meetings. So you get the picture right? We were not so proud to be there in the first place.

You “get to go” if your kid is has less than perfect grades and he is not meeting up to his potential or if his behavior is less than exemplary. Or sometimes you have the pleasure of being asked there on both accounts.

For the last number of years ,whether in high school or primary school the parent teacher meeting has been about the parents and the teacher and not the kids. The kids basically always have to come ready to discuss  issues but they are mainly the spectator and are asked to answer a question here or there or comment here and there:

As in” Why is that so little Bob that you laugh at the teacher when her back is turned in the class and try to put gum under her shoes?”

"Duhh- I dunno"

Well this year we have taken a different approach and trust me I will never go back to my old ways.

Chase was in charge of his meetings with his teachers and we were the spectators. He was asked by us to prepare for a good hour the week before on all the points he wanted to discuss with each of them He was asked (ok ordered) to run all 4 of these meetings by himself and we would be there to support and watch. He was asked (ok again ordered) to come prepared with his notes.

We never saw the notes, or discussed what he would say. It was his thing. We had no clue what "him running the meetings" would look like.

It was probably the most beautiful moment of all of our lives besides the birth of all three children (this may not even be a joke).

At each meeting he pulled out his manila folder with his pen attached and his computerized notes and he opened the discussion (not even ordered to do so!!). He was clear, to the point, talked about what he felt was fair or unfair  about his marks or comments on his  report card and what he agreed or  disagreed with. He was organized, articulate, respectful and clear.

He used the French “vous” (which implies the utmost respect) and used the most proper and articulate French I have ever been witness to outside of France!

He even opened his meeting with his art teacher by saying :  

Je  veux vraiment discuter avec vous quelque chose  très important. Je pense que peut-être on a des différentes perspectives? Peut être vous le voyez come telle et moi je vois de même…le problème c’est peut être que c’est difficile de mesurer la créativité? »

Honestly, I watched all four of the teachers very intently and all four seemed at one point or another to almost lose balance and fall off their chairs.

I saw such respect for him in their eyes, they were also so proud of him and they told him so and recognized his attitude, his organization and his go getter style. He scored some major brownie points at the school last night.

(Actually come to think of it he was the brownie. These teachers ate up my son and his attitude like a delicious little dessert topped with whipped cream).

I am not sure his Dad or I have ever been so proud of him in our lives.We like having a teenager so far!

So all this to say…..in some of  his courses his marks or behavior can use some major tweaking ,but what impressed me so much last night was what I have been searching for all of the years with my children

He has been listening and understanding what we have been telling him. He is actually manifesting some of these behaviors at appropriate and important times. He is choosing these behaviors as his own without us pushing (too much anyways).

Basically I sat back and let those beautiful moments seep right into me deeply as I know they won’t come along too often.

We all went home feeling filled to the brim with pride and hope for the future. That night I felt like every family night, every family dinner, every blog I have written, every conversation and every thought that has gone obsessively swirling  though my head about my kids…made it all worth it.

For that one moment of glory.

I am not sure I will ever rob from my kids again the opportunity to run their own show when they are perfectly capable of doing it on their own. How dare I take away these amazing opportunities from them?

From now on parent teacher night has taken on a whole new meaning. 

He may have not earned an A+ in every subject, but we were thoroughly impressed by this kid.

And I get to be related to him.

Based on last night performance I would have seriously hired him.

What's Your Word?

One word to describe yourself.

It’s an interesting question isn’t it? Makes us think hard.

I have been playing this game this week each day at lunch with various colleagues and each choosing one word to describe each other ( this is all thanks to a colleague of mine (Ms. Tricky)  who started this game this week)
Games this week have been important.

It’s fun to think of a word for others.
And even more fun to see what word is selected for you.
And it’s amazing how similar the words are that are chosen.
So far I have to say I rather like the words I am getting. Different than what I thought I would get in some ways.

I will take them.


It’s funny in life when you think about it; that often it just comes down to a simple word.
Who we are.
And what people think of us.
It can all be totaled and tallied up to a word.
The impressions we leave follow us for a lifetime.

So find out your words. It's worth it.

Love and Lessons

It’s important for me in my life to practice what I preach. A high priority in my value system.

I tell parents left , right and center that the best way to have your children learn things well in a family and in life is to experience natural consequences.

Very different than punishment or unrelated consequences.

So today I went all the way.

I was both surprised and proud of myself.

My daughter Beauty (10) has had for years a really hard time waking up in the morning for school. There is hardly a morning that does not go by without us having to fetch her in bed even though she has an alarm clock and everything, she just simply won’t get up on time no matter what we seem to do or how early she goes to bed the night before.

She ends up by getting up about 25 minutes before her school bus arrives, leaving little time for proper clothes, doing her hair, basic personal hygiene and cleaning up her dishes after breakfast properly.

Lucky for us (and her) I have imposed a strict “prepare the night before” rule for her lunches, schoolbooks etc…

This habit has been further propelled by my husband over the years going at the last minute into her bed each morning and cuddling with her and tickling to wake her up. This could definitely be characterized as a sleep/wake up association! I mean who would not want to wait for that type of fun in the morning! (and he does not do it at the time she needs to get up but at the time after he presses his own snooze button 3 times)!

So a few months ago, Hubby and I agreed that although the tickling is cuddling is wonderful-it needs to be associated with a better time of day. Not when we are trying to encourage her to wake up alone (a bit like mothers who think best to feed and rock their baby or toddler to sleep. Do all the rocking and feeding you like, just don’t create sleep associations for your kids where they are dependent on it.

 

So all that to say for months I have been warning Beauty that soon if she does not wake up on her own with her alarm…that I am going to let her sleep and be late for school and take her myself  on my way to work. She would have what is called an “unauthorized lateness” as far as the school secretary is concerned.

Well today was the day.

Even with a few of us calling out to her a few times this morning. She finally did get up 15 minutes before the bus, but that was too late to get properly ready.

So she stayed home until I was good and ready today.

And my routine is that I work from home for a good hour to hour and a half before going into work so that meant she got to school and hour late almost.

And this disturbed her tremendously (as in she bawled her eyes out for that hour and screamed bloody murder in the shower).

Until I sat down with her and explained to her why I have chosen this. Essentially it is a gift for her as hard as that is for her to understand. There is no benefit for me at all to keep her home. It was actually really hard for me to get my work done this morning with her screaming; it would have been easier for me to have cuddled and tickled her and made sure she was up on time and pulled her  out of bed.

I was kind and gentle and loving in my explanation. I hugged her and told her I loved her deeply. At school I held her hand and held her tight before she left.

I strongly believe a parent’s role is not only to make a child’s life pleasant and fun and perfect-it is to teach children autonomy, and skills and everything they will need as they get older. Parents need to let kids experience natural consequences and let them live through these events.

I can almost guarantee you that as of tomorrow Beauty will find a way to get up on time in the morning on her own. The solution will come from her.

I can definitely guarantee you that she will have plenty of affection and tickles and cuddles throughout the days from her Dad.

And I believe that  Beauty will have respect for me as a parent and that she will be grateful to me that I have helped her learn this lesson (one day).

And in the end respect and love go hand in hand don’t they?

I could have taken the easy way out for both of us. But I chose not to.

PS-I have read about this method af having kids late for school in dozens of books and have always thought to myself “That will never work-my kids would be thrilled to stay home a bit longer and be late-what time of consequence is that???”

Well I was wrong.

When I turned to my daughter and asked why she was screaming and crying so much since she was simply going to be an hour late for school, she turned to me and said in the clearest voice:

“Because I am going to miss learning Mommy. I am going to be late for learning and I don’t want to be.”

And I looked at her and said:

“Then Sweetie, that is your lesson right there, don’t choose it next time” And gave her a big hug.

So my readers can weigh in if I did the right thing or the wrong thing. Am I a great teacher of lessons or a hard core bitch scary Mommy?

All I know is that parenting is complex and we need to put our kids first often. Not just there “feel good” needs but their" life needs" too. We need to be there as they step out of their comfort zones and hold their hands as they catch themselves falling.

We cannot fall for them. We won’t be there most of the time they do fall so they need to know how to get back up and move along.

And we need to be there for tickles, the cuddles and have  our  inviting arms  open too. Often and Always

We need to be both.

And one does not have to cancel out the other.

They can co-exist. Love and Lessons.