For me, since I became a parent 14 yrs ago for the first time, this seems to be the question that is most often on my mind.
Taking priority over many questions and concerns of the world really.
And even though I know they are perfectly ok, I still wonder, and still worry and still ask myself that question sometimes many times a day.
And this anxiety is not situational at all-it is not necessarily caused by external stresses, it is just always there and seems to follow me around.
And it’s not because I would change anything in our lives or circumstances in the least. Some may wonder-would you rather have more time with them, stay at home with them, walk them to school in the morning to ensure they are ok?
The answers are solid: No. No. No. It’s all good the way it is. Exactly what I want.
Would you prefer to homeschool them and keep them at home to make sure they are out of harm’s way?
The answer if: Definitely not-are you trying to kill us all??
But I love those kids to bits, I really do and if you asked me my most important wish in the world it would be that they all three just be ok. Happy, Healthy, Well-Adjusted and Fine. And I want them always to have their Dad and Didi….always (and me too).
It’s funny that the things we worry about in life are often the things that take care of themselves the most naturally. That happens without our interference. But as we worry, we forget this fact.
It’s also interesting to note, both from what I have observed in my own family and many other families whom have made the same observations, that often the more we “take care” of kids the less ok they actually become in the future.
We see it with first children vs. second and third children. Many first children are made to feel like Kings and Queens and the world resolves around their every need. We solve all of their problems for them, and nurture every wish they may have in some cases. Not a day goes by that they are not constantly on our minds when they are little. Nothing is good enough for them.
Then comes the Second, and then the Third. The reality really shifts for everyone.
Suddenly we have three and our brains are not big enough to have all three and their constant needs on our mind. So our brain often still resorts to the first kid’s needs taking up the most space because we are accustomed to it and also because they go through everything in life first. Firsts of anything are always the toughest. First births, first day care drop offs, firsts day of kindergarten, first fight with friends, first kiss, first heartbreak….
So the Second and Third fend for themselves much of the time. And we worry less about them. Hence they become more autonomous, more able to solve their own issue and more self reliant.
And much more ok in many instances really.
In my family, my Third even took up jogging and as of this week goes for a run everyday after school by herself! No one ever suggested this to her, we never discussed this and she decided to do this completely on her own. She is a runner now and she is more than ok.
She is on her path of what is good for her. She is blossoming into what is perfect for her.
So all that to say , I am conscious of my anxiety of “are my kids ok?” and also the way that my worry does not seem to be evenly distributed among my children for no other cause then birth order.
I look around the world at the people I know well and the strangers around me too and I think to myself-they are all ok and every thing will turn out just fine. From the girl from the gym who seemed to put on a little weight, to my friend going through a complex divorce, to another friend struggling with infertility, another contact who lost their job…. it all somehow seems to have a way of working itself out.
Why wouldn’t I naturally expect the same for my own kid’s lives?
So for me the perfect parenting blend continues and will always be careful considerations, big packs of planning, drizzles of deliberateness, tweaks on traditions, focus on family time and load and loads of love.
The absence of anxiety would be great and fabulous. I am sure if I want it hard enough I can add it to that mix.
And then we would have the perfect martini.
