It’s important for me in my life to practice what I preach. A high priority in my value system.
I tell parents left , right and center that the best way to have your children learn things well in a family and in life is to experience natural consequences.
Very different than punishment or unrelated consequences.
So today I went all the way.
I was both surprised and proud of myself.
My daughter Beauty (10) has had for years a really hard time waking up in the morning for school. There is hardly a morning that does not go by without us having to fetch her in bed even though she has an alarm clock and everything, she just simply won’t get up on time no matter what we seem to do or how early she goes to bed the night before.
She ends up by getting up about 25 minutes before her school bus arrives, leaving little time for proper clothes, doing her hair, basic personal hygiene and cleaning up her dishes after breakfast properly.
Lucky for us (and her) I have imposed a strict “prepare the night before” rule for her lunches, schoolbooks etc…
This habit has been further propelled by my husband over the years going at the last minute into her bed each morning and cuddling with her and tickling to wake her up. This could definitely be characterized as a sleep/wake up association! I mean who would not want to wait for that type of fun in the morning! (and he does not do it at the time she needs to get up but at the time after he presses his own snooze button 3 times)!
So a few months ago, Hubby and I agreed that although the tickling is cuddling is wonderful-it needs to be associated with a better time of day. Not when we are trying to encourage her to wake up alone (a bit like mothers who think best to feed and rock their baby or toddler to sleep. Do all the rocking and feeding you like, just don’t create sleep associations for your kids where they are dependent on it.
So all that to say for months I have been warning Beauty that soon if she does not wake up on her own with her alarm…that I am going to let her sleep and be late for school and take her myself on my way to work. She would have what is called an “unauthorized lateness” as far as the school secretary is concerned.
Well today was the day.
Even with a few of us calling out to her a few times this morning. She finally did get up 15 minutes before the bus, but that was too late to get properly ready.
So she stayed home until I was good and ready today.
And my routine is that I work from home for a good hour to hour and a half before going into work so that meant she got to school and hour late almost.
And this disturbed her tremendously (as in she bawled her eyes out for that hour and screamed bloody murder in the shower).
Until I sat down with her and explained to her why I have chosen this. Essentially it is a gift for her as hard as that is for her to understand. There is no benefit for me at all to keep her home. It was actually really hard for me to get my work done this morning with her screaming; it would have been easier for me to have cuddled and tickled her and made sure she was up on time and pulled her out of bed.
I was kind and gentle and loving in my explanation. I hugged her and told her I loved her deeply. At school I held her hand and held her tight before she left.
I strongly believe a parent’s role is not only to make a child’s life pleasant and fun and perfect-it is to teach children autonomy, and skills and everything they will need as they get older. Parents need to let kids experience natural consequences and let them live through these events.
I can almost guarantee you that as of tomorrow Beauty will find a way to get up on time in the morning on her own. The solution will come from her.
I can definitely guarantee you that she will have plenty of affection and tickles and cuddles throughout the days from her Dad.
And I believe that Beauty will have respect for me as a parent and that she will be grateful to me that I have helped her learn this lesson (one day).
And in the end respect and love go hand in hand don’t they?
I could have taken the easy way out for both of us. But I chose not to.
PS-I have read about this method af having kids late for school in dozens of books and have always thought to myself “That will never work-my kids would be thrilled to stay home a bit longer and be late-what time of consequence is that???”
Well I was wrong.
When I turned to my daughter and asked why she was screaming and crying so much since she was simply going to be an hour late for school, she turned to me and said in the clearest voice:
“Because I am going to miss learning Mommy. I am going to be late for learning and I don’t want to be.”
And I looked at her and said:
“Then Sweetie, that is your lesson right there, don’t choose it next time” And gave her a big hug.
So my readers can weigh in if I did the right thing or the wrong thing. Am I a great teacher of lessons or a hard core bitch scary Mommy?
All I know is that parenting is complex and we need to put our kids first often. Not just there “feel good” needs but their" life needs" too. We need to be there as they step out of their comfort zones and hold their hands as they catch themselves falling.
We cannot fall for them. We won’t be there most of the time they do fall so they need to know how to get back up and move along.
And we need to be there for tickles, the cuddles and have our inviting arms open too. Often and Always
We need to be both.
And one does not have to cancel out the other.
They can co-exist. Love and Lessons.
