Fleeting Moments

Today my Protector and I went on a beautiful fall walk through the woods, up a large hill, through a quarry and onto the golf course. The fall colors were the most incredible I have ever seen them. Or then again maybe for the first time..I gave myself both the time and permission to really indulge in them.

We passed the kissing bridge in the colors, and climbed the mountain in the rustling leaves. In the golf course we sat and rested for a few minutes and looked out to the mountains and lake in their perfect splendor. I am not sure I have ever seen anything so beautiful.

So I asked my Hubby for the camera phone and tried to capture it through the lens but the result was not even half of the reality of it. I deleted the picture quickly.

I love photography. I have never taken a course in my life but have a ridiculously expensive camera and a smaller mid priced one. I love them both. The pictures I produce are pretty good especially portraits. Most family and friends I know have at least one picture I have taken framed on their walls somewhere in their homes. I enjoy taking photos but have never put any effort into it.

Someday I dream of a day where I can actually learn about it more and produce beautiful things. Take in the light and works with it. Have my own darkroom.

Part of me however will likely never take that photography course, or try and get the perfect light, or work in a darkroom to make someone’s flaws disappear by retouching.

All because I love the fleeting moments of life too much. I like indulging in them far too much and so much more than the capturing of them. I don’t really believe in taking in too much for later…I believe in enjoying these moments ridiculously now.

Letting them be fleeting and allowing myself and my family that indulgence.

That moment at the golf course and those leaves. The smell, the textures the light.

The lake and the way the leaves reflect in the shimmering water.

The sounds of the waterfalls and streams and their Fall and Spring cascades.

The look on my eldest son’s face as he tells me tonight that he is anxious about growing because he is scared if he grows too much before April that his new ski jacket won’t fit just right as it does today.

The look on my daughter’s face as she watched the ballerinas at the openouse with longing and passion.

The homemade lasagna and “moules” being prepared in the kitchen so perfectly with care and consideration.

The fire in front of me outlined by the windows with the stars and moon shining through.

My middle son and the way his face lit up last night as he described the 7 new friends he made and went to the movies with.

Can it ever really be captured? Should it?

Now I have just as many framed photographs and albums as the next…guilty as charged. I spend at least 3 full days a year organizing these pictures, and collecting them and framing them and displaying them. And the joy it brings to me and my family is beyond explanations.

I am also the person who is severely annoyed by the guy at the hip hop show who sits behind the videocamera and tapes his daughter’s dance. Or Mom at the choir show who makes all of our daughters poses after the songs instead of letting them giggle and feel the pride of their recital.  I don’t like the Moms who fight with their kids and scream at them and then make them pause for a pretty pose before they all start fighting again (that is me often!!). Often I just feel like shaking the person beside me (or shaking myself) and say:

Just enjoy it. Indulge. Let it Be. Let them Be. Imprint it on your mind and your heart. Breathe it it.

I also don’t like camera frauds. People who dress family up, make it look all good, but really it’s a fake moment. What are we trying to prove to whom?

Because I believe that a picture speaks a million words…and I will always believe that but I also believe that we often hide behind technology and don’t let ourselves fully absorb.

That we want to control those fleeting moments and try our best not to let them get away..when really they were all meant to.

And just like blogs, although we can capture a lot of the essence, we can never really capture it fully. Only life can do that to us.

As we live it fully and let it be fleeting. Because we can’t always catch what is falling and slipping away.

Somethings  are meant to be nothing more than lovely mere moments.

Happiness Project Update

I thought it was time for a little update on the Happiness Project I embarked on almost a year ago now. I have had a bunch of emails lately asking me if I am still committed to what I set out to do.

I think I am happier overall.

(Not sure if it is my actions or Relora but that’s ok).

If I look back on the goals I had set and the actions I had placed to achieve them I have been doing very well.

It’s hard to know if I am happier really as I am also entering a new phase of my life with two kids in high school and another one “shopping” for high school at the moment. So I am undecided yet as to how exactly I feel about this stage of my life. It’s a hard time to assess overall happiness when there is so much change and transition going on for our family right now. It’s a bit out of my comfort zone thus far.

Undecided.

One of the main elements of my Happiness Project was nutrition and exercise and for the very first time in my life I feel I have made significant progress in both of these areas.

I have really changed the way I think and commit to exercise and I have really changed the way I eat without feeling an ounce of deprivation (which has always been my goal).

I stand on the scale once a month and today was the day and I happily discovered I have lost 3.5 lbs! That was a really nice incentive.

Basically for exercise I actually look forward to it most days of the week and have somehow managed to make it part of my regular life as opposed to my old mentality of “something I grudgingly fit in”. I don’t know if I will stay like this forever but for the moment it feels good to have this new attitude. Am I a hard core runner or cardio girl? Never! But I have integrated moderate exercise quite successfully into my schedule and I am proud and feeling stronger by the day.

Food? Big one. It’s always hard for me as I love food. Food is the cornerstone of our family, my marriage, our traditions with the kids, our cottage life etc.. No one in my family is encouraging me at all when it means I have to eat less or differently than them. They all feel it is a major downer and I agree. Food defines a lot of our family and we all love it. We love our homemade stuff, our treats, our parties and our dinners out and in.

I am not unhappy enough with my looks or body to want to change that a whole lot  (and neither is my family I guess) although I would like to be slimmer like I was about 5 yrs. ago. Unfortunately (or fortunately for me I guess) I still really like the way overall I look and look in clothes so a red light has not gone off for me yet to make me give up too much(it really helps that two close friends own clothing boutiques and are phenomenal stylists and love dressing up my curvy body)!

However intuitive eating has become much more a way of life for me. I have integrated a whole lot more healthy things into my daily intake (protein, almonds, peanut butter on apples, hummus and veggies etc..) and taken out stuff that I don’t care much about ( 100 calories granola bar in afternoon, crackers as a snack before dinner etc..)

At lunch I always eat very healthy food but pretty much whatever I am in the mood for (except usually Fridays where rosé sauce at work  calls my name) At dinner where I am always less hungry I take smaller portions and try and limit carbs to smaller portions .Or if I am alone, I just eat something small like a whole grain muffin or a bowl of cereal.

I just eat what I am in the mood for. Nothing more and nothing less. I rarely feel full or hungry now.

And weekends I am really listening to my body and my hunger signs and cravings and before I eat something too salty or sweet, I try to stuff a little banana candy in my mouth for 10 calories (kids you know what I am talking about right???) and this works miracles and I forget about the other treats.

All in all I am the happiest I have ever been in relation to both food and exercise and I think it can only get better and better. I have gone from making these changes for what used to be only weight reasons to health reasons. This paradigm in thinking has been powerful.

So today when I stepped on the scale it was a nice and welcome surprise to be lighter, but I did not need it to feel good.

Shocking. Did I just say that?

So my Happiness Project will continue but in a different form as of November 2012. When on my favorite place ever on the beautiful beaches of Turks and Caicos with Hubby this year, I am going to shift my individual happiness project towards one we share.

He and I will hopefully map out on this trip what are goals are for happiness for the next year as we enter this very cool but very scary newer phase of our family life together. It will be important that we stay united and strong and overall happy together, as a family and individually.

Nothing like an aqua sea, a bikini and a vodka martini in hand to get the work done.

And I expect my husband (after reading yesterdays’ post about babies that scared him obviously ) to be a little weary.Of what my happiness project  proposals might include….but that’s ok.

As far as I am concerned nothing is off limits. Transparency and sharing has always being the cornerstone of our marriage and I intend of keep it that way no matter what internal wierd thoughts I am going through right now and how scary that may feel to both of us.

Chances are…..if I guess it accurately:

Our kids may be welcoming a new puppy into our home one day soon.

Or maybe not?

I am excited to see what we come up with. It’s always a pleasure to work on being happy. And most importantly allowing bizarre and crazy thoughts into the normal everyday mix.

To see where those thoughts take us in life.

And welcome what our next stage has in store for us.

Maybe it’s time for a Puppy

I saw the sweetest little baby boy today in the cafeteria at work. One of the Moms came back to show him off-he is 7 months old which is just about my favorite age ever.

He was wearing little Gap jeans and a striped sailor t-shirt and smiling all over the place.

For some reason, this little baby made its way into my heart. I did not even see him up close or hold him as I don’t know his Mom very well.

But he made me want one (another one) just like him.

He made me want to go home and tell my husband that we had plans tonight and get ready because we were going to make a baby together.

This baby reminded me of our babies. Even our daughter since she often wore her brother’s jeans and striped little shirts and had no hair for a long time. This baby was adorable.

So my heart was aching for one of those sweet little things. I thought he looked so darn cute all cuddled up in his Mom’s arms with his legs dangling down her chest and his little head turning everywhere at the sounds of voices.

I felt myself feeling “I want one of those”!  Give him to ME! Now!

Reality Check: Of course I am not going home tonight to make a baby. Even if I had the energy to do so, I am not going to be making one.

And if I am..it it not with my husband as we had his parts taken care of after our daughter.

And even if those parts were still baby making material he would divorce me before giving me another baby at this stage of our lives.

But for the very first time in ages I did not just look at that baby and think it was cute..I wanted one for me.

And when I really think about it I do not want one for a many zillion trillion rational reasons.  But it was interesting to realize that that part of me still exists that does want one.

The way a person wants a puppy.

Why did I have to become so maternal after my kids are well on their way to being all grown up???? Honestly I am a piece of work.

And I think the yearning is caused by many things and it is not coincidence that I am feeling this way. In a few weeks I will be 41 yrs old..so I think my body is saying to me “if you want it better hurry up really, really quickly my dear!”

I think my kids getting up themselves this morning without waking us and making their own breakfast had something to do with it.

I think realizing today that even if I offer to pay my son (I know BAD Mommy) to be on the school badminton team he will still say no.

I think I am realizing that watching Glee alone with my husband without my kids up is pretty weird.

I think I am realizing that having some time on weekends to go to Chapters or go shopping is strange.

I think I am realizing that I am in a very different stage than many of my friends considering one of the closest has a 3 month old.

I think I am realizing that creating a human with my husband was the most bonding experience in the world. To have both of us..in them. To me there has been nothing that has ever even come close to measuring up to that experience and that miracle. I remember moment for moment of each being born and my husband's face and what he said, and what he did, and who we called. I remember those three moments as the best times of my life (eventhough I am not very maternal right?)

I think I am realizing that my season is changing…but I may be all alone in my season and alone is very scary.

And I figure that adorable little baby might just make it all better.

 That would be a big project.

I love projects.

I love mastering them.

And believe it or not..as arrogant as this may sound…I think I am on my way to mastering raising kids (not teens) but kids.

I feel really good at it and successful and in my element on most days.

And not ready AT ALL for this time to even come NEAR ending.

I miss my babies in so many ways and my heart and empty womb are aching for them on some weird level not even understood by me.

Maybe this is normal?

Maybe this makes sense?

Maybe this is how I am supposed to feel?

Should I have a baby????

No I will not go and kidnap that adorable little guy from my colleague.

No I will not go and grab the cute 22 yr. old summer student at work and ask him if he would make a baby with me.

No I will not try and ask my husband to reverse his vasectomy.

I will consider buying a puppy. And let that image of that baby let it do to me what it did today. And feel all the jealously and sadness and yearning that went with it.

Wanting something that will not be.

And understanding and embracing the season I am in.

Plain old Yummy

I am a really cheap date.

I think my all-time favorite meal in the world is bought from a depanneur:

Shish taouk sandwich with extra turnips

Diet iced tea

(on really special occasions small vanilla treat from cupcake store in village with pink icing)

So today I indulged as worked from home so powerwalked to village, ate by lake (cupcake replaced by apple) and powerwalked back.

That simple meal is so yummy I would even consider running there to get it if I had too.

Sometimes life’s smallest pleasures are the greatest.

 

(PS-I know this is a very boring post). I hope my next hobby does not become Twitter. Pls shoot me if my blogs stay this uneventful?

Acceptance?

Is is possible to say you accept something even if you wish it was different?

Yes I think it is.

I think the defining piece of it all is peace.

Being at peace with the fact that although you would have wanted a different outcome that you are not going to get it.

Acceptance and peace seem to go very well together.

Today I was looking at pictures of a sports event that both our boys participated in…one looked widely enthusiastic about the event and for the other it was a check in the box in order to fulfill the requirements of the program.

Normally I would have looked at these pictures in frustration-wishing that one of them would be more passionate about this extraordinary opportunity (or if not then at least try to look like he is!)

But today….I just looked at the picture. Had a little chuckle to myself and moved on. I accepted what is not, and what is. Not only accepted it, but embraced it really and valued the impassionate character in that picture for everything else he is besides impassionate about running.

So that is a small example but it is also a big one for me. It made me reflect on many various elements of my life lately where my expectations might be different than actual outcomes and the choice I have when I am faced with various situations.

There have been work things, and family things, and marriage things and friend things and kid things and for the most part…coming to a place of acceptance of where that beloved person or thing is at that very point is the most peaceful place to be. Likely for them..and most certainly to me.

And it’s not complacency or passivity that I am displaying but rather the savvy to know what I can and cannot change. And more lately even asking myself the question: do I even want to?

Who says my way is the right way anyway?

What I can focus on is ME. MOI. What makes sense for me and my life? Focusing on getting what I need, and what I thrive on, and what I want to be happy and fulfilled. Aligining my own life in the right direction.

In the case of tween and teens….of course as a parent I have the inclination and responsibility to guide decisions and lives but only to a certain point. Their path is not my path and I feel lately how dare I interfere with it as long as it is not dangerous or harmful? Their lessons are theirs to lead, many will be taught in our family and many will be taught by the world.

I am not the only teacher in my children’s lives. There are plenty out there and I need to know that that friend at the locker, or that bus driver in the morning, or Brittany Spears on You-Tube or that teacher with whom a detention is spent…..all of their lessons are as important if not more important than my own.

And in the case of work, friends and family other than children? I feel it is my place to put my perspectives and needs out there, to discuss, to debate, to want..and to sometimes want more. To make me known. To ask for what I feel I may need. But that is where it ends. People are who they are and that is what defines them and what makes them beautiful. My responsibility is to ask myself if I can make peace and accept  our differences on a true and authentic level? Or not?

It’s a big comfort to feel in a place of acceptance. I am not there in all areas of my life, or even in most areas. It is a long journey for me and one that is filled with bumps and obstacles along the way. A true learning process.

However one thing I do know is that seeing my little dispassionate runner today in a whole new light…was really quite amazing. Instead of thinking “ Why is he not excited and passionate and smiling for the cameras”….I thought:

“I wonder what his passion is being saved for in the future? I am excited to standby and watch his own journey unfold”.

And the best part? I was not just saying that to myself..I truly believe it. Today at least..and today is always a start right?

Thanks a million Mom as usual for enlightening my heart and soul by your simple but important listening. If I am even half the Mom you have always been and are to me today….my kids passionate or not are all going to be plenty more than ok. Aren’t they Mom?

PS..Oh My!

 

 I had a big dinner party here on Friday night and guess what subject came up?

You got it: Fifty Shades. Just when I thought I got it out of my system.

Believe it I had recommended it to a fairly new friend of mine who is going through a major crisis. And I mean as in the most major ever. Was a risky move on my part After I did it I wish I could have taken it back.. My only goal: to make her smile a bit.

Mission accomplished!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She talked about the book all evening and is going to Costco to get more (does she thinks she can buy them in bulk????)

Anyways I love that this lady loves Fifty. It confirmed to me her mixture of sweetness, sensuality, wickedness, eccentricity, lovability, daringness and plain old complexity even more. She got Grey..she was as turned off as she was turned on by it. Like all the rest of us.

Made me want to get to know her more.

I love daring books and books that connect people in the world all over the globe. It’s fascinating and unbelievable really to know that some little normal woman out there created such chaos in the world. Such strong reactions from all sorts of diverse woman and men around the world.

I love that she had this ability to have this effect on people. Shows how powerful the written word can be.

I love analyzing the reactions of people to this book around me. I find this process fascinating-it brings out so much strong emotion of people. No one so far seems neutral about this book. Seems to bring out all sort of unconscious wants, desires and fears.

This author really got the female population that is certain.

International Wickedness. Love it!

Textos

 I love texting.

I remember the first time I learned about texting was at my old cottage with one of my BFF’s who was texting a friend at the campfire.

I was intrigued. At the time I had kind of decided it was not for me….but boy did I change my mind.

Texting is such an efficient way to communicate and really nurtures relationships as far as I am concerned. Since I became a texter, I have had so many more close and fulfilling relationships. I know I sound like a Generation Y trying to convince you of the benefits of technology when really when you think of it a one liner is more alienated than a real conversation or an in person meeting? However for me it is the difference between closeness and distance for so many of my relationships.

A text has a sense of urgency that a phone msg or an email does not inherently have I feel. People who are good texters I feel often make awesome friends too.

And I am not an obsessive texter, and I try my best not to be addicted. I have to force myself to put hard limits on when and where I text (aka on weekend check phone not more than 3 times per day, at work mostly answer to texts only from my boss or over lunch hour, never put alerts on texts during family evening and dinner times , never keep phone by bed, never text when working unless working late at night etc..) if you don’t put these limits this would be seriously addictive. Just like anything else I do-texting has it’s time and place.

But I do find I have found my balance as a way to enhance my life rather than detract or distract and it really has made my life happier and fulfilled over all I would have to say. It feels as decedant and indulgent as any good cupcake.

I have a number of friends I text with. And we support each other through texts, humor each other, solve the world’s issues, and generally keep each other up to date. Some of my most important conversations have been had on text as crazy as that may seem…and for me it is a tool of companionship, closeness and warmth.

I text my husband and kids too. It’s my favorite  part of the day when the boys text me afterschool to tell me they are home safely and we have a little chat. My husband and I text when I travel for business and that is also a highlight. I have my texting buddy who we have very emotional conversations over texts and make important decisions about our lives, I have my text friend who send me almost love notes and letters and affirms our friendship many times per week, I have my texting buddy who makes me laugh and cry and reflect by text and keeps us  close and connected even with distance between us, and a few who literally bring me to tears with their comments and crisis in life that are sometimes so funny the way they recount them it’s like watching a good sitcom. And a couple of friends from work…who just get it ALLl…life would not be the same without them. Mom and I text too:)

 Im convinced that I have made more and better friends over the last two years because  of this form of communication. Three of my newer friends I am not sure we have ever even had a phone conversation on the phone ever. When I think about it that is crazy!

So do I wish I had the time to talk all these amazing people on the phone more often? Yes I do! Do I wish I saw these lovely ladies more often in person? Yes I do!

But the reality is I do not have that time very often and so I have decided to embrace reality and “love what is”. And it works super well for me anyways (and I guess for them since they still lovingly text me often).

And I do make time for my friends and family in person it is a huge priority for me and something that I have always done well. I do birthdays and Thursday nights out, family movie nights, Mom and daughter dinners, spa weekends, girls nights out and lots of parties and get together at our cottages or theirs. Friends and family are everything to me and Texting could never replace these people events but it certainly enhances them.

Texting is an easy way to assess where someone’s priorities are too. If they can’t find 2 seconds to write you back….you kinda get the message you are not a top priority right? It serves as a great check in with reality.

Texting as far as I am  concerned rocks. Sso do the girls (and boys) with whom I text. It had made my life richer and better and I will be forever grateful.

So nightie night btw and cu in 2moreo. Tessa! And lol bc u know it’s 4ever bebe. hahahh