I saw the sweetest little baby boy today in the cafeteria at work. One of the Moms came back to show him off-he is 7 months old which is just about my favorite age ever.
He was wearing little Gap jeans and a striped sailor t-shirt and smiling all over the place.
For some reason, this little baby made its way into my heart. I did not even see him up close or hold him as I don’t know his Mom very well.
But he made me want one (another one) just like him.
He made me want to go home and tell my husband that we had plans tonight and get ready because we were going to make a baby together.
This baby reminded me of our babies. Even our daughter since she often wore her brother’s jeans and striped little shirts and had no hair for a long time. This baby was adorable.
So my heart was aching for one of those sweet little things. I thought he looked so darn cute all cuddled up in his Mom’s arms with his legs dangling down her chest and his little head turning everywhere at the sounds of voices.
I felt myself feeling “I want one of those”! Give him to ME! Now!
Reality Check: Of course I am not going home tonight to make a baby. Even if I had the energy to do so, I am not going to be making one.
And if I am..it it not with my husband as we had his parts taken care of after our daughter.
And even if those parts were still baby making material he would divorce me before giving me another baby at this stage of our lives.
But for the very first time in ages I did not just look at that baby and think it was cute..I wanted one for me.
And when I really think about it I do not want one for a many zillion trillion rational reasons. But it was interesting to realize that that part of me still exists that does want one.
The way a person wants a puppy.
Why did I have to become so maternal after my kids are well on their way to being all grown up???? Honestly I am a piece of work.
And I think the yearning is caused by many things and it is not coincidence that I am feeling this way. In a few weeks I will be 41 yrs old..so I think my body is saying to me “if you want it better hurry up really, really quickly my dear!”
I think my kids getting up themselves this morning without waking us and making their own breakfast had something to do with it.
I think realizing today that even if I offer to pay my son (I know BAD Mommy) to be on the school badminton team he will still say no.
I think I am realizing that watching Glee alone with my husband without my kids up is pretty weird.
I think I am realizing that having some time on weekends to go to Chapters or go shopping is strange.
I think I am realizing that I am in a very different stage than many of my friends considering one of the closest has a 3 month old.
I think I am realizing that creating a human with my husband was the most bonding experience in the world. To have both of us..in them. To me there has been nothing that has ever even come close to measuring up to that experience and that miracle. I remember moment for moment of each being born and my husband's face and what he said, and what he did, and who we called. I remember those three moments as the best times of my life (eventhough I am not very maternal right?)
I think I am realizing that my season is changing…but I may be all alone in my season and alone is very scary.
And I figure that adorable little baby might just make it all better.
I love projects.
I love mastering them.
And believe it or not..as arrogant as this may sound…I think I am on my way to mastering raising kids (not teens) but kids.
I feel really good at it and successful and in my element on most days.
And not ready AT ALL for this time to even come NEAR ending.
I miss my babies in so many ways and my heart and empty womb are aching for them on some weird level not even understood by me.
Maybe this is normal?
Maybe this makes sense?
Maybe this is how I am supposed to feel?
Should I have a baby????
No I will not go and kidnap that adorable little guy from my colleague.
No I will not go and grab the cute 22 yr. old summer student at work and ask him if he would make a baby with me.
No I will not try and ask my husband to reverse his vasectomy.
I will consider buying a puppy. And let that image of that baby let it do to me what it did today. And feel all the jealously and sadness and yearning that went with it.
Wanting something that will not be.
And understanding and embracing the season I am in.
