Raising Animals

I was going to sit here tonight and write a blog about how amazing of an evening we all had.

Monday night I am always alone with the kids and I have been trying to make that time always a little special. Whether it’s taking 15 minutes extra to tuck one in or chat in front of the fire about something that is on their mind with another…I find myself making more space for them on that evening. When my to do lists are at their worst and literally calling my name after weekends away at the cottage. But lately I have really been selecting how to spend time and spending these extra few minutes with the kids always seems to make me feel better in the longer term.

So tonight even if I am sick as a dog, I hid a note with the elf that we would all watch a 30 minute Christmas special together and eat in front of the TV. As they sat there eating their pasta and yogurt and fruit and loving the babyish Christmas tale. I thought life is beautiful. This is a perfect moment.

Well it wasn’t afterall.

I made a bad decision. I decided to take a chance and offer more. I told them that if they quickly did 10 minutes of chores and clean up calmly they could come back to watch another episode of Rudolph and we could all snuggle on the couch.

Well Beauty listened. The two boys did not. And like every single night in my house…chaos erupts as soon as there is transition or chores to do or as soon as a command is given out to accomplish something that is not individual. I am really,really fed up. And very very disappointed in myself that I have somehow let this go on for so long. Now it is not only my older son who is so disruptive it is my middle son too and it bugs the hell out of me.

Just shut up and do what you have to do.

Stop acting like a bunch of idiots for 10 mins. Is that possible?

 

So they wrestled and laughed and got distracted and fooled around and threw their wallets around the kitchen until all their cards and bus passes feel all over. I was silent.

I should have just go in and said go to bed.

But I totally and completely lost it. I screamed and screamed and told them exactly what I think of them. I told one that I may even smack him across the face if he dare speak another word. I told them that they were grounded for a second day tomorrow (they were grounded tonight for hyperness too from the weekend). I also told them no breakfast made by Dad tomorrow and that no carpool. Walk and take the bus.

And I meant every single word. And I am not the least bit sorry.

Ya..I am sure that there may have been better ways to handle the situation but apparently those better ways are not working. So I will try it this way.

I hope they feel cold outside tomorrow and tired and sorry.

I would feel guilty if one of my sweetest BFF’s this week SAHM did not tell me that she calls her kids idiots weekly.in a very loud voice. And makes them cry. Thank God for her honesty..it frees me up.

I am done with this type of chaos each time it is time to work and not play.

And you know whose fault this is? Mine!

I am like those Moms that I have to hear daily complain about how “they can’t get their kid to stop texting and face booking though homework period and so their kid takes 5 hrs. to complete studies” Well madam that is because you ALLOW this.

Well I have joined the ranks of these Moms. Ya the ones who come to me for coaching. Those ones. I allow a ZOO in my home every night and for some reason until now I have not put my foot down enough.

Well the time has come friends.

An no I will not be medicating you all after dinner to be calm and cooperative. Simply, if someone is not calm and concentrated during chore time, they will immediately be excused (from their chores too) and they will be asked to go to bed or to study in their room. The evening ends there. No more. They will immediately receive 3 x’s for chores not done on the chart which will equal less allowance on chart and I will complete their tasks (and be compensated for it) If goes on for a few nights in a row-then technology gone for days at a time.

That is it. Silent. Calm Friendly. Goodnight.

Still want o be coached by me??? Of course you do!!!!!!!! This is what you love about me right??? Real, honest and HUMAN. Mother to two and sometimes three gorillas.:)))

Confidence Clarity

My daughter who just turned 11  yrs old has been called many things over her life so far. I tape a video of her each year at her birthday party and on it I interview all the girls at her party and ask them what they like most about their friend Beauty. Answers vary from hilarious, to caring, to the life of the party, to not shy, to a good friend. Confident always comes up somewhere in there.

Teachers over the ears often say different things about her too. They say she is a natural leader, they say she has a very positive influence on other kids; they say she is sparkly and bright. Then they also say that she can be a little unwelcoming sometimes to new kids, sometimes dispesfectful if she is in that mood, and can talk back or talk at inappropriate times. However the word confidence always comes about too. That my daughter if super confident.

So although confidence is a great thing…Beauty’s teachers mixed reviews over the years have always concerned me to a certain degree. She can be so sweet and soft and caring of those around her, more caring in a lot of ways those other girls her age I have noticed. But on the other hand, I don’t like this “mean girl” side that comes out every once in whole. Yes it is infrequent, no it does not happen often but it should not happen at at in my opinion. Why oh why????

The only people I hear it from are her teachers ever now and then…besides that does not come out and she has many friends and is invited many places. She has a close clique and she seems to value and be valued by the girls and their parents alike. I am always confused .

Well today at ski competition I saw the confidence my daughter has and I am grateful for it. This girl is not a doormat. She is a force to be reckoned with. I don’ think it would be possible to take advantage of her-she would just look at the abuser and say “Go away!” I have to say I like this in a girl. And if she loves you she will protect you too.

Ski competition is a MASSIVE commitment both on the parts of the parents and the kids. The only reason we have gotten ourselves into such a things is because it is cottage friendly. We are here and skiing is her. We want to be here as often as possible and this gives us the perfect reason to be. Fall training leads up to the season every Saturday morning Sept-Dec. Then Dec –April Saturday and Sundays 8:30-3:00 (aka as 10-3pm for us!) Throw in there 12 full days of training over X-mas break and 6 competitions at other mountains from 7am-5pm and that is a whole lot of skiing.

Our goal was to master her skiing, keep up her athletic skills, please her and indulge her passion but most of all for pleasure so that she would make a group of friends around the area and have this activity to bond them.

Well all the Fall training-so virtually for 8 weeks- the pleasure part was not really there. She would go with her little green track pants, her little striped tuque with a pom pom, her Joshua Perez hoody and her little bottle of water. Each time she would go for the 4 hrs and not speak to anyone but the trainers because she was the only new one there and the rest were a tight clique. Each weekend she would come home and when asked if she liked it she would say yes.

I liked it a lot

Did you make a friend?

No. Nobody speaks to me bc I am the new girl

Are you sad?

No.

Why not? Isn’t it boring?

I am not sad because I know it will change, By December on the slopes I will have plenty of friends

Are you sure you want to continue on this team Beauty? (aka why the hell are we getting up so early on weekends so you can hike up a mountain alone?)

Its fine Mom and Dad. I don’t mind being alone. It will all work out just fine. I will have tons of friends.

So we just carry on. We take her each weekend and feel a bit sad for her and for us.

And then like clockwork on the first day last weekend of the real slop practices she makes a friend! And then today her third practice she makes three more! By the end of the practice today I had two Moms approach me and ask me for Beauty’s phone cell number (ladies she does not have a cell she is only 11!!) Both moms commented how confident she seems and that they think will be great for their daughters to see this.They said they noticed it the moment they met her how self assured she was and what  a gatherer and leader she was on the team and with their girls.

So she is confident and she knows where she is going this girl. She knows her strengths and her limits and the timing that is right for her in life. Why don’t I know this by now?

In the end I thought it over and I was happy that she was the new girl for 8 weeks and learnt how it felt to be on her own. Also how good it would feel if a popular girl who knew the ski team would have come up to her at Fall training and invited her to join the gang.Hopefully it taught her to be able to do that for the new girl one day herself? To be more sensitive to others

But for the moment I am just grateful that my daughter is strong, assertive and a leader. As she grow up in this big and bad world it comforts me to know that the person I think will protect her…is her. Yes. Yes we will work on ensuring her natural gentleness with little babies and kids and animals extends ot all humans…but I will feel less threatened next time I hear a teacher’s comment and work more on turning her unique traits into strengths that work for both her and others around her in life.

Oh Beauty! The joy of girls eh???

I Never Knew

I love moments of clarity. Pure and simple-they never seem to amaze me. Those moments where you may have been struggling for years with a certain decision or thought and it suddenly appears in your mind. Just like that!

Boom!

I have had moments of clarity in the last few years mainly as it related to being a Mother. Moments where I know exactly where my mind is at and where it needs to be. In these moments I feel unstoppable. My mind is made up, my framework clear. All actions after that fall into place and I stop obsessing without purpose.

As for my career I have had less moments of clarity. I have had an amazing education in school and in my careers and wonderful opportunities. The last 8 years at the company I work for now have been precious and my intention is to be here at least another 6-7 yrs. This job and company is made for me. It matches exactly where I am at in my life right now. I love it.

But what about beyond 7 rs from now? I am still young. I had three kids by the age of 30 and nice careers so far. My husband is 12 yrs older than me and the deal has also been that he and I will switch roles in next 7 yrs. from an income standpoint. He will slow down and I will speed up.

But what will I do?

How will I speed up?
How will I get to the income level I want to get to and surpass it even?
People often ask me “what is your dream career-what is your next big move?”

It has always been the question and one that I do not have the answer to. I have certain answers and ideas, and dreams. But no real vision.It’s also part of knowing myself well. I know there are phases in my life and this phase has been, and will continue to be for the next 7 yrs :career woman/family focus. Corporate vs Entrepreneurial. Job that has been travel a few times a year vs every few weeks. I know my priorities, and I know my limits. My husband will truly consider divorcing me if I ever left my current job….we need it..I need it, it is perfect. I live and breathe this company.

I had an extremely impactful transformational mentor a couple of years back, and I mean the very cream of the crop. The best of the best. He told me he felt I had” unlimited potential career wise”.  Even though it seemed far-fetched and a huge compliment, I believed him because whatever he says is true or becomes true. He seems to know what he is talking about. If he had such faith in me..then I needed to have faith in me too at the same degree.

At the time he and I talked about my career and he assured me that I would gain clarity when the time was right of what the future held. We both knew it would have something to do with writing, public speaking, possibly even TV, maybe acting, motivating etc…but it was never clear. It was totally grey.

Until last night. When I listened to my birthday CD and I heard that song..The one about  “I never knew that I could love someone the way that I love you….”

And it hit me. There I was. I was 47 years old (that is six years from now) God I am old then but I look really young still. I have continued to work for this big-wig pharma company I have been working for in a similar job with some global and regional responsibilities added to the mix over the next 6 years. I do this until my last baby is finishing up high school.

And then…I have my own TV show!!!!!! I write it, produce it, direct it and star in it. It’s sort of a talk show but not really, because it is so much more than that. In it the main focus is Work Life balance and Parenting but done in a very dramatical way. Tons of music, imagery, laughs, advice. Everyone will cry through my show and often. Not one person will be in the audience without shedding a tear, happy tears because are they are so touched. Then I will give advice, I will scream people to Just Stop It! (likley the name of my show as have wanted this as a book title for many years now better copyright it quickly!) I will scream and shout until they listen and do something to help themselves and help their families. To get out of the rut they are in and quickly.

People who come for my show will need to want to change or they won’t come. It’s going to be a totally tough love show but with a real sweetheart as a host and producerJ) I am going to verbally punch a bit of sense into them and hug them tightly afterwards. It won’t be what they want to hear at first but it will change their lives and quickly. I will help them change their lives and will have a team of experts following up and coaching everyone who comes on the show afterwards to hold them all accountable. It’s going to be amazing.

And then there’s me…..

I will be like Dr. Phil and never step out on the stage alone at first. I will always have my Husband or my Mom with me. They will be my Mangers. They kind of are already are!  And just like Justin Beiber has his Sister and Mom always in the audience, one of my kids will always be there in the front row. And I will have a bunch of my super intelligent friends as guest speakers and in the VIP row wearing elegant mini-dresses and high heels. I will pay for all their first class tickets and treat them all to fancy dinners and hotels. Nothing wrong with a little bribery to get some support is there?

Oh ya and a whole bunch of other famous people (besides all my friends) will also come on the show to be interviewed. I may even want a co-host but not really sure I can do this with anyone? They may not go for the screaming, hugging, punching, crying part. And I am not changing that. No way.

My mentor also told me that what your ultimate career is will always play very heavily on your strengths. I can write, I am creative, I acted my entire child and teen hood, I can sing moderately, I have rhythm, I can bring out the worst in people, I can bring out the best in people. I can teach, I can learn. I am full of truthfulness and honestly. I can handle hard decisions and make them extremely quickly. I love being in front to an audience. I like being paid big amounts of money for short periods and amount of work. I love a challenge. I work on adrenaline.When I randomly ask people over the years what they think my career should be many have said a talk show on TV. I usually laugh alot when I hear this.  It’s the first time I really internalize this.It's the first time I feel I want it. Or that it could even be possible

My show won’t be boring. It will be creative, and innovative and daring and REAL. It will tell the truth and change lives. I can see it so clearly.

Music, tears, gifts, advice, fun, balloons, smiles, surprises. So often people have no idea how easy it is to change do they? Just stop it! Stop what you are doing for god’s sake! Stop ignoring your sister, stop making promises to take the kids to Canada’s Wonderland and not take them, stop interrupting and listen well, stop ignoring your husband and deal with him directly, stop being depressed over the fact you can’t run anymore and start walking faster, stop eating McDonald’s every night separately and join your family at the dinner table over a roasted chicken. Stop having an affair and cuddle to the man right next to you in your bed and tell him you love him. Stop obsessing about your daughter and start spending time with her.Be grateful! Be proud! Be polite! Beleive in Heaven if it makes you feel good! Go for it! Believe in yourself! Do it! Now!

It’s all going to be perfectly ok. More than ok. I promise.

So it’s a dream, but it became crystal clear in my mind. Will it happen in 7 yrs., at the time that is right and perfect? Will it all pan out according to the vision and the plan? Will I be famous????  Am I crazy? Too confident? Out of my fricking mind am I?

The answer is: No. If I really want it to happen it will .I will make it happen. anyone who knows me know I go for it. I deliver. Stay tuned to your TV in the next decade people.

And today was the beginning of that journey.The very first tiny, tiny step and that step was clarity.And accountability since now my craziness is posted all over Canada, USA and Japan, China and Switzerland!

I feel pleased as punch.

And ready for the next person to ask me as they so often do ”So in 7 yrs what will you be doing?”

 "Having the time of my life Sir/Madam".

Scrooge is Leaving!!!!

 

It’s funny how little things count.

Putting more emphasis on Christmas and being more deliberate is really working for me.

Take for example what I am wearing. A shiny purple skirt, a red silly top and a glittery red sweater. Sounds atrocious no? It isn’t ..I have been told countless times today it is adorable.

We had a Christmas feast today at work that was served free to all employees (yes I work for an amazing and generous company) and there was Christmas music in the background. And I noticed it! And I actually listened to it! Last night on the way home from work I found myself humming a Christmas Carol. OMG.

I liked doing our X-mas baking (and not delivering it). I enjoyed doing the 25 cards I wrote of gratitude to people who have really helped our family this year (instead of the 1000 that can be sent if I send to all) and I have loved picking out cute America Eagle underwear for my sons and girlie gifts for my girl. I am actually looking forward to building our gingerbread house on the weekend and don’t indend to use Crazy Glue on it to keep it together.

I did not buy Bear Bieber Fever boxers this season so hopefully he will not run away like last year.

I like wearing sparkly eye shadow for the festive season and I especially enjoy hiding Snowballs at the end of the day (most days of the week).

who the hell am I?

I think I am officially enjoying the lead up to Christmas this year more than other years! Hallelujah. It’s a miracle!

We are taping a bunch of TV x-mas specials on TV and I am finally feeling as of last night that I can catch my breathe (a bit) at home and work. I feel like I have run a marathon and coming close to the finishing line (until the next crisis). I might even take a little walk tomorrow morning at 6am.

So I still find it odd to watch a show with Michael Bubble talking to Elmo but it has a heartwarming element to it too. I can see that. I still think it is a bit weird how people send gifts and cards to people they gossip about and talk behind their backs for the rest of the year, I still think Christmas is WAY too commercial. I am still bored to bits by reading blogs of stay at home Moms and what Christmas crafts and books they recommend…BUT……I am enjoying leading up to the holidays more than other years for whatever reason.

I am especially going to enjoy being on vacation at the cottage for 2 weeks. Yahoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And the best part? I think it makes Christmas more fun for my kids and when I think that within 5-10 yrs I might have nasty girlfriends and boyfriends and daughter in laws sitting at our Christmas table hogging MY children and our family time…I better make Christmas as pleasant as can be for the years I have them for myselfJ)

 

 

 

 

Oxygen

I was never much of a hugger as a kid.

My Mom was until I turned about 13 and started rejecting her affection outwardly. So she stopped hugging me for a number of years and I noticed it a lot as a teen. It was something I did not want, but also wanted very much on many levels.

As adult both of us are somewhat huggers yet again and have found the perfect balance. I am so happy about this.

In general I would not consider myself a physically affectionate person necessarily but certainly affectionate in an emotional and verbal way. What I have noticed lately though is that my body needs hugging and so does my mind. I need to give it and to receive it. Whether it is a real hug or a warm word, or a tender caring thought. It makes me feel good to give and to get from the ones around me I love.

These last two weeks when I can honestly say I have been the world biggest bitch to my family just because I have so much on my plate right now. Each time I stop and take a moment and cuddle, or tuck them in, or kiss my husband goodbye or anything else; I feel like oxygen has made its way back to my lungs.

I wish that these things were more habitual for me, more natural and that I did not have to remind myself to give or receive affection. But in the end I think the most successful people are those who not only play on their strengths but on their weaknesses too. Those who freely put themselves out of their comfort zones for their long term comfort.

So as you go through this busy holiday season reflect for a moment on what brings you joy and act on that. Even if you really have no time to do so. And sit back and enjoy the happiness it is sure to bring you. And to be aware not only of what we ourselves need, but what the others around us may need from us. And to start looking at speaking a love language that is different than our own and maybe not perfecting it but at least becoming fluent in it.

Todays Grateful Feelings

It’s funny how when you look for gratitude it is all over the place.

Most of my blog labels lately include the label “gratitude” because more than anything I feel grateful; more grateful than stressed, more grateful than pissed off and more grateful than overwhelmed.

Today I felt grateful for 3 things in particular:

1-For Snowbalz our elf. Today we needed a bit of Christmas cheer amongst the Christmas chaos and he provided that for us. I hid him on our ceiling fan in our room with a few chocolates and a congrats note for a great mark Chase got in a subject that was in dire need of some uplifting marks. The kids were so excited and had a really hard time finding him. He was full of dust when he came off and I told my husband when he came home tonight. Maybe instead of chatting about it I should have dusted the fan off? Or the elf? Oh well!!! Protecting my time I am!

 

2-For my sister Savvy and our conversations. I love our talks and our catch ups. I love her. I love that our minds and ideas and thoughts are so similar. I love our friendships and the way it often picks me up on Monday mornings-a popular time for us to speak on phone. I am grateful to share my life with this girl and to share in hers. I am grateful that our friendship grows in the direction of us as individuals and Moms and career women

3-For my son taking me out on a date and paying!!! A completely unexpected text at end of day today asking me if I could pls find it in my heart and schedule to pick him up from his activity after school. Followed by an invitation to Thai-Express where he was paying!!!!! Wohoo-my guy is growing up. He made a rare deposit into his bank account because he has collected every can in this house for the last 6 months and counted them and took them in. And he used some debit card to treat me. He said he wanted to have a lift, had a craving for a soup bowl, wanted to treat me and wanted to spend time with me. Awww………..

 

 

So that’s it for gratitude today among many other things and people but these were making it onto my blog specifically.

 

 

 

 

Commitment to Protect Time.

In general I am a hyper- organized person. In the mental way. In the physical space less so, although I probably fall somewhere around the average.

However although I am super organized in terms of time management, I have realized that there is an element I really need to improve on and have realized that many around me have more success than I do in this area.

It is the discipline to on a constant basis protect time. To know what your limits are, to know what you can take on and what you cannot, to allow space before and after projects and events to prepare and clean up. To make space to ensure that you are not running around like a chicken without a head from one activity to another.

To ensure that there is always pleasure in pleasurable experiences.

And I do this very, very often. I thought I was really good at it…but I realize others around me are better. And I want to get that way too.

Everyone around me seems to have it down pat . We host many events at our cottage and they all seem to say “We need to leave early afternoon in order to get organized for the week and get our laundry done” or “we will stay in a hotel on the way up to break up our trip because arriving late at night the kids are too tired” Or we did not have time to prepare a meal  to contribute to the potluck so will be buying dinner for all it has been a hectic week”

This I admire and I often can’t get our acts together to do the same. We do it all. We get it all done. We fit in everything for leisure for work. Always. But we are starting to realize that we are paying the personal cost and it is hurting.

Arriving at cottage at midnight and often having guests arrive shortly after. Not anymore! Enjoying the lake until 8pm on a Sunday and then rushing through dinner and driving and arriving back home exhausted and spent the house a disaster. No more! We are setting some clear limits in 2013 and sticking to them.

My husband approached me this week as he is feeling the stress and we had a big talk about what is working and what is not in last few weeks. We have barely had a chance to see each other or speak and no quality time for our kids. We have to get back on track. So we sat down and made a whole bunch of rules that we all are going to stick to without exception long term and a whole lot of things that we looked at and cut out.

Example of cutting out:

We cancelled our professional photo shoot next week

We decided no Christmas cards being sent

We cancelled a friend weekend at the cottage we had planned for the winter

We decided to show up at ski competition practice 1-2 hrs late every time (considering it is every Sat and Sun all day and every day of Christmas break this is reasonable)

We decided that we are Christmas baking this year but not giving it out and delivering it to family and friends as we usually do (sorry!!)

We decided that most nights we will hide an elf but if we are too tired then so what

Examples of longer term simplification:

When we have friends and family at cottage we are not giving out the bigger kids rooms to sleep in as means to much switching around clothing, beds changing etc…

We are committing to a certain time to leave the cottage at night and sticking to it

We are never having guests arrive late at night at home or cottage

We are skipping ski team practices if we feel us or the kids need a break

We are never planning more than 1 night out socially per week Mon-Thursday

We are getting a second pull out couch for the basement at cottage to accommodate more people on the lower level so everyone is in one space

We are still having the same amount of leisure be we love it in our lives but ensuring that there is always appropriate time to set up, clean up and enjoy it to the fullest

We are sitting by the fire and doing just absolutely nothing or at least a few hours every weekend

We are hiring more help for the next 6 yrs. to help with season transitions at cottage until all kids through majority of high school.

So just a few examples and I am excited to stick to them and many more. I see so many others around this getting this right for them and their families around me and they seemed to be lately anyways more relaxed than I am and in control of their time. It’s hard for me to say no sometimes..especially when there are things we love doing, but I am realizing that while others have that extra time to do laundry and planning for it, I am doing  mine at 1am and being exhausted for the rest of their week because of it.

I need to set my limits. To protect my time and family time. I need to be less tempted by the things and people I love. I need to grow up and provide my kids a good example. I mean who starts an evening at 11pm? That is just plain silly. With pleasure comes responsibility and it’s time to start fitting that into our pleasurable times.

It’s time to take time management to a new level. And although I think I have mastered it on many levels; it’s now time to perfect it.

If you any ideas for me please let me know?