Reflections

 

Today we started a New Year Tradition that will carry on year after year. I have to say it is one of our best family traditions yet…it was so meaningful.

We started our day out after a big party last night by going out to a family lunch at one of our favorite restaurants. Everyone was allowed to order what they wanted and not have to share or order off a kid’s meal menu. We also all got to order our favorite dessert. We talked and laughed and chatted and just enjoyed a leisurely family lunch together with nowhere to rush off too.

At the cottage as it got dark, in the early evening we did our Reflections Time. We all sat around the fire, and we lit 6 candles all joined together which symbolized the 6 of us (including my Mom who was not part of this reflection, but is such a big part of our family we include her in virtually everything whether she is present or not). The candles were also a symbol of not saving fancy things and indulging ourselves at special celebrations. Bear had bought me for my birthday a set of beautiful candles in the shape of flowers that seemed too gorgeous to burn. Our burning of them tonight symbolized our value of experiencing and indulging in beauty. Of enjoying each other and beautiful things.

We first each reflected in the dark only lit by candlelight on the year of 2012 and what stood out for each of us. What defined this year for us in each of our personal ways? We went around and each communicated what these things were for us and explained them to each other. It’s amazing how having these conversations took us to the very soul of each other each one that was uttered, surprised me in many ways and gave me great insights into my family’s hearts.

From buying a sailboat, to getting a 90% on a math test that was extremely motivating, to the pride in making the big commitment to join the ski competition team, to the paradoxical liberation of a diagnosis of ADHD, to the pride of writing the first few chapters of a new book with someone very well known, to the challenge and accomplishment of the acquisition of a new office, to the ruptured appendix and that even though was in 2011 has been such an integral piece of so many other pieces it has to be named, to the firing of an employee, to the decision around the family cottage that led to better sibling relationships, to the choices around family and friend relationships, to the death of a cherished man who’s passing changed each of us and the relationship to his family forever in different ways, to the sale of a boat which made our lives simpler and therefore so much better in so many ways. To all the academic achievements that I had never realized were so very important to my children.

I loved hearing us all explore and share what defined 2012 for us. I love that we created this tradition together. This was probably the highlight of my entire year of 2012…this candlelight ceremony even though it happened on the first day of 2013. That is telling in so many ways.

I especially loved hearing my husband share his long list. I felt proud to be married to such a wonderful man and doting father. It was amazing to hear  “que ca m’avais vraimanr touché cet annee” over and over and over. I married the best of the best.

And after dinner we will continue and look forward to 2013 and light our candles again and reflect on what we want to accomplish, or feel, or be, or become in this New Year. A renewal of sorts. Not New Years resolutions by any means….but an importance that my husband and I share that we hope we are making important for our children that usually things don’t just happen in life….you make them happen. You dream things to life. You focus on them at the level that is important to you, and they become important. You change the world you live in….by your own intentions.

And the dinner being prepared tonight part of our new ritual too which is a bit of a Sabbath in a way. A commitment to renewal on certain holidays and vacations and which will become part of our Saturday night rituals. Part of my invisible to do list that I have committed to. Whenever we are together as a family there is always one or two in the kitchen helping cook, setting the table, playing music, being together. But as they have gotten older there has also been one or two watching TV during that time, and it’s just not the same as the good old days where TV was not allowed during meal preparations. So our little Sabbath time (aka renewal time) will now come back to our roots of meal preparation on Saturdays or holidays as something more sacred. Music on, some dancing, sitting around the counter, preparing food. It can also include other renewal activities such as showers an taking care of our bodies, or reading by the fire, of getting fresh air outside, or writing as I am doing now. Each of us to decide what renews us outside of computers and TV. A commitment to ourselves, and our families.

All sounds wonderful right? In theory yes. In practice not as easy. As I write this I can hear my kids fighting downstairs and my husband getting angry at them. My daughter has just come upstairs and told me her brother is retarded and that she is not going to pay her magic set with him. Another child I can hear is raising his voice a tone too loud and complaining about not being able to relax and watch his movie that he had started.

But I also hear a lot of laughter, and debate, and time being spent with their Dad without me in the room which is also very important. I can hear them learning to make tacos, and negotiate who will play with whom. I can hear olives being chopped and hugs being had.

I can hear life happening. And more than anything that is what I believe I want to give my kids. And more than anything in the world I will always be striving for that above anything else.

And even if the picture is far from perfect, and life is far from easy, and we in no way resemble some of the blogs I read about where everything is rosy……I believe that I am not taking the easy road out, but always striving for:

Following a road that I believe is the right one. While they are in my care and while they are still mine. Before they make the decisions around who gets to watch TV when.

Until then, I will always find ways to have them reflect. And have them be part of this beautiful and crazy family that they got lucky (or unlucky) enough to be part ofJ

My Guy

 

15 yrs old my baby boy was yesterday on December 31st! And I still feel exactly the same way as I did his first year of life: completely in awe and in love with this guy.

You have not ever seen so much love wrapped up in one person. So much affection, so many I love yous, he is the bestest oldest brother and son EVER. We are so lucky to have this guy protecting us all, keeping the peace in our family and driving us all crazy…we are blessed.

Our New Years’s  Eve baby.

Woke him up at 9:30am this with a surprise on the door of a promise to go shopping that afternoon at his fave ski shop and for us to quietly all sit and watch him try on clothes. Then his  birthday tradition of a ride on the 4 by 4…now has been replaced by him driving the 4 by 4! He and his Dad went all the way to the village for breakfast together illegally on the vehicle.

A day of relaxation, no chores, tons of computer and TV without his Mom nagging him to go outside. A huge party every year for New Year where his birthday is always specially underlined by the Sweethearts and Holidays. Always on his bday with his long time buddies and our wonderful friends. This year however a bit too much xbox addiction surrounding him for his liking........the kid is just like us enough of the computer games!!!! 

What I love about this age is that you start to see your kids preferences and values really surface-who theyeally are. It's a tough age on many levels as they discover this. what they like about the world surrounding them-and what they like less-but part of such a necessary step to go through.

He is loved this guy by all of us. I love watching this son unfold.

It has been a bit of rough year hasn’t it Chase? Don’t sweat it, it will all be ok, I promise. Let’s have faith, lots of love, and expect that we will all make a bunch of mistakes and then get it all right. It’s all going to be ok. More than ok.

Thanks for trusting us, and respecting us, and making having a teenager look like a piece of cake, you have brought so much joy and learning into our lives. We love every single inch of you. I love that all my friends find you the most lovable teen on earth. I love that you still have that power to melt everyone’s hearts.

Happy Birthday my sweetheart.

Love

Mommy

Egg Casserole in the Oven

I realized today that the just because I am not very domestic, that there is nothing wrong with me!

After years of wondering why I don’t crave to bake a pie, or tend to a garden, or why I find it so easy to delegate laundry, or why my husband when he hides a gift puts it in the dryer to ensure I never find it…..I have realized precisely why I am this way.

It is because I have a job! And three kids! That is why.

One morning this week I basically had nothing to do. Most of my family hit the slopes at 8am and it was just me and one sleepy child. Do you know what I did? What I actually enjoyed doing? I did dishes, and changed all the sheets on the bed, and made a salad, and made some stew (ok defrosted some stew..let’s not get carried away here)

I even had time for a long cuddle on the sofa with Bear. We checked out the snowflakes.

It continued on into the night. When I took the sheets out of the dryer, I basked in the smell of their lemony scent; I took pleasure it the warm feel of them on my cheeks. I took a leisurely shower and took time getting dressed. I blow-dried my hair to a silky shine. Eventhough I had a house of fifteen sleeping over here. Eventhough.

Because I am on holiday! That is why!

I am normal, I am a Mother, I am human, and I am just very very busy doing other things most other days of the year!

Things that I choose like big budgets, and teams, and politics, and speeches and presentation and coaching.

Will I give it all up for laundry? Never! Will I give away two of my kids to have more peace? No!

But I do like domestic tasks sometimes on holidays. I enjoy doing them. Because I have time to. Wow. What a revelation.

So one day…one day far off in the future I might just the bake the cupcakes from scratch baking type. I might change my beds every day and fluff my towels for fun. Iron a few t-shirts here and there. Sharpen the pencils that are dull. Get out those Christmas lights at the back of the closet and hang them up because they blink. Buy a fresh baguette every day and eat it with some pea soup.

Maybe one day I will do that. And maybe one day I will enjoy it.

But I made the realization today that it is not going to be now and that is ok too!

I am normal.

And when I am done bossing…and creating….and coaching….and wanting…I will sit down at a table and break some bread.

That time will come, far far away from now.I realize that if I wanted to….I could be perfectly domestic.

Yes I most certainly could.

Gosh lemon laundry smells fresh doesn’t it? And nothing like a clean white duvet over fresh sheets is there? And a banana chocolate chip muffin. Yummy.

Mitten Strings for Me

There are two things my kids do in life that please me immensely:

The first they do often and frequently and the second very seldomly.

Eating and Reading.

I have never had any regrets of not being a stay at home Mom..ever. Today however watching my kids make their snacks after a day of skiing around a big kitchen counter at the cottage, I started to realize the pleasure I have likely missed at 3pm daily! Yogurt, followed by crackers and cheese, followed by two toasts with our homemade “creton”. Topped off by a may west and a big glass of milk. No wonder at suppertime they eat like birds-now I get it.

I loved seeing the preparation of the food, eating the food, their pleasure and their conversations. I love seeing my kids eat good food and enjoy it. Would have been amazing experience if I could have seen them clean up the mess too..but I was not that lucky and had to call them back for that last step.

And reading by the fire…..I honestly don’t think anything satisfies me as much as my three kids and I reading for pleasure at the fire. It is soooooo rare and that hurts. Now after skiing I have imposed a no tv rule until 5pm. So that equals more ski jumps outside or totally as a total treat for me, reading with me all cuddled up under the blankets. Minus Hubby who is outside shovelling and blowing snow. A true but healthy obsession!

And reading is my life so to share this with my kids is heaven. I feel about reading the way I guess some people feel about cooking or gardening. I am so attached to it and in love with it, I just don’t get the notion that most people just don’t find the time for it in their lives on a regular basis. I would stay up until 2am if it means reading my favorite book! Or leave my house messy for guests! I read every minute I can manage. On skilifts, in ski cabins, in beds, in Jacuzzis, at doctor’s offices, on buses, in hotels. Anywhere and everywhere. Always. I never allow myself to read at work as that would be a huge distraction so it has to be off limits! And I never allow myself to read on a Kindle or I pad as that is way too modern for me. Nothing comes close to the feel of a good old fashioned book in my hands.

Today was amazing to see my kids read, They read many many books but they are always for school and that is just not the same. Outside of holidays and summer, there seems to be no time for skiing and reading..it is one or the other and skiing always wins.

So today made me happy. And it was a bit of a sad day on some levels as the whole gang for my beloved Uncle and Aunt’ss 25^th vow renewal left today for Jamaica. Of course we were invited and we debated to go or not go for many months. Our final decision was no because of many factors but it still made me sad a bit.

However when I saw the snacking and reading going on at my cottage and the pleasure I and the kids derived from it…I realized from the purest part of my heart that this is exactly where I want to be and should be at the moment. As tempting as Jamaica would have been and as wonderful as witnessing the ceremony would be for all of us….what we need to do a s family during the little down time we have it stay put. And ski. And snack and read. We need to bring as much simplicity to our lives in these turbulent times as we can and it starts right here at this cottage.

Choices. Often hard. Plently necessary.

The book I just finished and devoured “Mitten Strings for God” had my name written all over it today.

Simplicity. Nuturing. Sabbath. Choices. Taking Care of our souls. Understanding what they need and feeding them exactly that.

 

My Invisible to do List

One thing I love about Christmas is how many new books I get. I love all three I’m reading right now. Each book is magical and takes me to a different place. And each one I finish I have learned something new and quickly apply it to my life.

What I have learnt this time is all about invisible to do lists.

At first I thought that the last thing I need is to make mine longer, but have realized that maybe I need to focus more on the quality vs the quantity of mine. I have come to realize, especially as my kids become busy teenagers and my career demands more and more, that I will never ever even get close to achieving everything I want to to do on my do lists. I will never really feel in full control of them. And that creates stress and anxiety for me.

So it’s time to accept that fact and include other more invisible things on there that add more value. I already do this but I will now commit to doing it on a more conscious and deliberate level.

Since I won’t get everything done anyways might as well include more invisible pleasurable moments on there too right?. Moments like last night and rubbing cream lovingly on a cut Chase had. Taking the time to rub it in and rub his hair for him and have a little chat together. Or taking the 15 mins my daughter craves to map out exactly how she will end up marrying Justin Beiber right before bed in my bed. Or looking with Bear at his Facebook pictures and going outside in the snow and taking a few in his new ski jackets to select from.

It might be making sure to take that walk in the morning just because it feels good and not for exercise or texting a friend in the middle of a busy day just because you want to connect. A long and leisurely shower with a new body wash even if you should be rushing. 2013 for me will include a lot more “just because “ and less “shoulds”. The shoulds cause stress, the just becauses are lovely.

And to take the time to give people what they may need more often too. To go and stand outside at that doctor apt waiting for the walk in clinic to open just for company, or to call them and ask them about their daughter’s first word, because it makes them feel good.

As I look back on my life, it was the people who really nurtured me and my soul for whom I have the deepest respect really, the ones who always remember who and what was important to me. Dinner parties although fun and appreciated have less impact. Organizing, planning, calling on birthdays it is all super important but it needs the balance of the unexpected in there. Those moments that cannot be planned or called on. The moments that are invisible. But deeply remembered. The moments that people show you not out of obligation or out of duty..but out of love.

It all comes down to nurturing and being connected.

And as I read these books I feel a guilt, regret that I did not do more of this as my kids grew up, more smelling of the flowers, more appreciation of nature, more carefree moments. But I gave them other gifts and plenty of them and was smart enough to surround them with people in their daily lives who were more than willing to smell the roses with them.

And I think a lot has to do with our own childhoods. My theory is that first and foremost a child must be safe in the world and protected. They must feel that their parents are looking after them, and planning for the future, and taking care of their needs, and teaching them to make good decisions and looking out for the unexpected, Preventing crisis. If a kid feels that security he or he can move on to feel joy and peace and happiness. If he does not feel it..he will cave…or he will create it for himself.

I had beautiful moments of my childhood and a wonderful incredible Mother…but one aspect that was very hard for me was that I always felt like I had to be “on”. I had to plan for the worst, make decisions, and expect that crisis could come about at any moment. And fend it off and prevent it. Maybe it was in my imagination. And maybe it was not. Peace and joy and happiness were there, but outside of myself as a child, for others and I felt not for me in many ways. As an adult it has been extremely hard to change this about myself. My life was so  so much more weighted on the invisible to do lists than concrete learning it seemed to me…I was nurtured so much everyday but what I lacked was a sense of control around me that I had to ultimately create for myself.

I was loved endlessly, don’t get me wrong.But I did not feel led through an often very hazy maze.

I feel that kids who are raised in a very structured environment where the parents take on most of the burden or worry, and planning and organizing and life’s tough moments…..breed kids who can just sweat the small stuff. Who can be children and leave a lot of the worrying to their parents. I may be over structured in my own home and over compensating, but my hope is that my kids will feel a balance between structure and peace. That they will be able to achieve now and as as adults a balance between performance and achievement and peacefulness and playfulness.

I don’t know if the environment I have provided will achieve that but I can hope it will.

So as I move onto the New Year I am starting to get ready to say goodbye to part of my suit of armor. And leave it at the childhood door where it belongs. To allow my list to include the invisible, because god knows I have mastered the other stuff. And even if less gets done in a day, or a month or a year, that I leave that period knowing that many things crossed off were meaningful and wonderful and appreciated.

And now that the structure and foundation have been firmly set in our family…..maybe it’s time to start fully enjoying it all a bit more. The house has been built and it is decorated. Now it’s time to live in it fully.  I have spent so much of my life ensuring the  foundation is strong..it now needs to be tried and tested. My gut feeling? It is powerful and solid-it is finished being built.

And you know what? It is never, ever too late to change.

Get ready to see the very best parts of myself being offered right up to you on a platter if I love you enoughJ) It will be interesting to see who eats me right up. And what the future holds. I have been giving up control for years now. I think it is finally time for the finale.

Ho! Ho! Ho!

Here I am blogging away when we have a house of 22 people arriving in 5 mins. This is how I know blogging is a de-stressor for me.

Christmas Eve was pretty much close to my perfect day and exactly what Christmas is for me. If we were not all sick-still after 3 weeks-I would have been able to enjoy every single delicious second…but I settled for most.

At Trent we went on a family skate in the beautiful forest. It is so incredibly beautiful there and we were close to the only people there too. Then we went out for pain au chocolates and hot cocoa at the bakery. At the cottage for some shovelling and skiing on the jump we created in the front yard and met up in the Jacuzzi all five of us with all the windows open. I loved that day.

Home to the city where my Mom was there with fondue and homemade soup and we just hung out. After dinner my Mom and I and the boys watched a very non Christmas type of movie (the three our elf brought hoping they would fall in love with for Christmas were not very popular with my kids!!) Hubby and Beauty went to mass at 11pm at the Catholic Church. I was sooooo happy that Beauty wanted to go with her Dad as it is really not my favorite thing on Christmas Eve but Hubby loves it. Most years we all go…..but most of us would way rather settle in in our new Christmas pyjamas and watch a movie. Hubby loves the music and the choir and so happy that Beauty and he want to go together. A tradition that works well for all of us!

The kids and adults all loved their new Christmas Pj’s and no one ran away. A great start!

And this morning although all still super sick (I am so bloody tired of saying this) we had a great Christmas morning. Everyone loved their gifts and we had hot cinnamon rolls in between.

I got so many nice gifts this year but may favorite was that my husband had all our old VHS tapes put onto DVD……amazing. So our wedding, the babies first years, baptisms, first steps. We watched about 30 minutes and I cried and cried and cried. For the simplicity and joy of those years, for my Grampa who I loved so much, for how young Hubby and I looked!!!

Just watching this one out of 20 videos was the highlight of my year. To look back and remember those moments..brought us so close…..so together…such incredible memories…..such wonderful and precious years that I never ever want to forget. Since we have not had a VCR in years it has been over a decade that I got to see my babies! All the videos I watch are from the last 5 years and it is just not the same to watch kids as it is to watch babies. There is nothing like watching your baby on a video. And your husband rocking him, and singing to her, and dancing with her and loving her. Precious memories.

And now a house full of people in a few minutes. Looking forward to that part too as lots and lots of little kids that still believe in Santa.

I reflected on my kids today at Christmas as every Christmas the same thoughts go through my mind: Very grateful, totally excited, very thankful, very wild, very entitled in many ways (even though they always say thanks), very hyper on vacation, better with the structure and routine of school days than on vacation, totally passionate, totally into life. Love them to bits and drive me crazy all wrapped up in one. Part of “V” in 2013 will just be accepting it all and loving it all as it is. I have to accept my family is often loud and chaotic. Yup.

And they are still, the same babies they were 15, 13 and 11 years ago. One is running in a circle biting his nails with the most beautiful face and smile you might ever see, one is softly following him with his blue eyes blond hair taking up and making his own unique space, and one is trying to fight and find her way amongst these boys…..pushing them away and pulling them towards her. None can ever be found on their own. All are usually rolled up in a wrestle or a ball half wrestling and have cuddling. My three bears. Always were-always will be. No one has changed at all it seems.

Merry Christmas to our old selves and our new selves. To the friends  and family alongside us in those old videos that are still in our lives now and to the friends and family that we will hold in our hearts forever through our memories and through now our DVDs which will never let us forget. We wish you all wonderful Christmas time in your family and very Happy New Years

 PS-Now about to go to bed. Guests have left. It was a beautiful Christmas. It was we had 8 children under the age of 8 here and it was so much fun to watch all the cousins. Our three are so good with them,,,,I love watching them take care of their little cousins. And we had our niece; Spanish in-laws here too so five people who did not speak English! Can’t wait to take those Spanish lessons at work soon

There are a few things about our yearly Christmas that make me proud and that I want to remember:

1-We always every year put a big effort and host. Each year the party grows. I love that our children see us do this. For me it is the true spirit of Christmas to go out of your way, to welcome people to your home. To share and offer what you have with others. To share your abundance and your blessings.

2-To make amends and to treat family with the utmost importance. Even if you did not always get it right it is never too late to start., Can you imagine that it would be possible that we would not have known these beautiful 8 children???????? I cannot imagine this….but it could have easily happened. I am proud that we know our mistakes, we know how to fix them, and we know how to make it right.

 3-I feel proud that our children are proud of us. That we always go beyond our own family of five and extend love to many others. Tonight one of them said to me “you guys are fabulous hosts-you make it all easy but we know it is hard”. Thank you for the acknowledgement child…trust me it makes it worth every single busy minute. And I hope you will do the same with your home one day. I want you to see us putting love into action and do the same as you have been taught. Thank you for noticing my darling.

 4-Would not be complete without a bit of a pity party. My husband is now sick yet again..with a new cold..a new fever….a new sore throat. It has been 3.5 weeks. I have it partially too…so do the kids..never ends. We need a serious break.  The  neve ending sickeness it seems Pretty Please? We deserve to have a little holiday too!!!

 Merry Christmas…it was a great one 2012!!!!!!!

Goodnight!!!!

PSS-And Elf on Shelf (aka Balz) made Christmas great. Thanks Sister!! He made me look forward to it and cherish it more. We will be sad to put him back in his box tomorrow. When my kids look for him they are wild, and chaotic, and fight over who gets to see him first, they whine when if he does not bring chocolates that day…so we probably don’t  have the ideal elf finding family, but he brought a little joy to all of us each day  nevertheless and I am grateful for that.

"V"

One of my BFF’s has three gorgeous kids under the age of 5 yrs and we have never ever gotten a Christmas picture of them, a Christmas card, a baptism card or a baptism invitation.

And each time I think about this…

I feel so envious and admirable of this girl!!!!!

I totally and sincerely look up to this so much. She is an amazing example of someone who really does live in the present, with her kids, with her husband, with her friends. She is out to prove nothing to anybody.

She takes her photos for her, and displays them for her. It’s for her. She keeps her kids gorgeousness for her. I have honestly not seen such a beautiful family. But she does not concern herself with the time spent on so many of the things others, including me, that we busy ourselves with. And that we create stress and havoc  with.

She is the most religious non religious person I know. She doesn’t need anything to guide her…….her goodness is enough.

So while I am sometimes  a bit sad to notsee a scrumptious photos of these three darlings, or have an occasion to wear my little black dress to with champagne in hand……I fully realize that these non-events and no cards are symbolic of this friend’s utter devotion to her life.

And that same devotion she shows her family she shows me too. You would not catch this girl ever checking texts or answering her phone if you are with her. She is yours when you are hers. She will put you before everything and everything going on in her own life when you need her and she will always make space for you. And if she cannot she will gently let you know.

You know that feeling when you are with someone but you know they are thinking about a million other things? Or when you are talking to them and their husband has something going on and so the phone is always next to them? Or when they are listening but always interupting just in case their kids need them (guilty as charged in some instances eventhoughI hate this quality!!!!) Why is it our kids always have to come before everything and anything else? I have to get better at that and quickly.

She is fully present in her life and this to me is the only goal I should ever have. And she chooses very carefully who gets to have her. Lucky me eh???

So for 2013…..I will choose a word. A letter actually. It will be easy because it is so simple to remember. “V” for her name. To aspire to become more like her, more peaceful and calm. Caring less about the future and more about the present, giving the gift of my prescence to myself and others. And having the confidence and security to never need to send a Christmas photo in hopes that someone out there will think me and my family are great. And knowing full well internally that they are. (I may still send one btw).

Knowing myself well enough to get the help I need, relying on my friends for support and understanding, telling people things I have never admitted to myself, and understanding that life comes with it a lot of punches and I better get with that program if I am going to enjoy the ride.

Finally being fully supportable by others…..since my life has been a long road of supporting others. And allowing that love and feeling of being loved to coexist with intellect and my own love for them.

Allowing others to see me fall.

And letting them catch me before it is too late.

Becoming the student before I become the real teacher.

Letting her not just teach me, but following her utterly lovely example of life.

Becoming somebody my husband is proud of for my heart and not for my mind.

Letting go of the need to protect myself.

Believing they will all still be there even if I slip a bit

Now that I have forgiven, the next step is to free myself of the weight of having to conduct the entire orchestra around me.

Letting go of the coping skills I mastered as a child, and leaving those behaviours at the front door.

Letting her lie down next to me and let me cry my heart out if I ever need to one day.

Letting them in.