One thing I love about Christmas is how many new books I
get. I love all three I’m reading right now. Each book is magical and takes me
to a different place. And each one I finish I have learned something new and quickly
apply it to my life.
What I have learnt this time is all about invisible to do
lists.
At first I thought that the last thing I need is to make
mine longer, but have realized that maybe I need to focus more on the quality
vs the quantity of mine. I have come to realize, especially as my kids become
busy teenagers and my career demands more and more, that I will never ever even
get close to achieving everything I want to to do on my do lists. I will never
really feel in full control of them. And that creates stress and anxiety for
me.
So it’s time to accept that fact and include other more
invisible things on there that add more value. I already do this but I will now
commit to doing it on a more conscious and deliberate level.
Since I won’t get everything done anyways might as well
include more invisible pleasurable moments on there too right?. Moments like
last night and rubbing cream lovingly on a cut Chase had. Taking the time to
rub it in and rub his hair for him and have a little chat together. Or taking
the 15 mins my daughter craves to map out exactly how she will end up marrying
Justin Beiber right before bed in my bed. Or looking with Bear at his Facebook
pictures and going outside in the snow and taking a few in his new ski jackets
to select from.
It might be making sure to take that walk in the morning
just because it feels good and not for exercise or texting a friend in the
middle of a busy day just because you want to connect. A long and leisurely
shower with a new body wash even if you should be rushing. 2013 for me will include a lot more “just because “ and
less “shoulds”. The shoulds cause stress, the just becauses are lovely.
And to take the time to give people what they may need
more often too. To go and stand outside at that doctor apt waiting for the walk
in clinic to open just for company, or to call them and ask them about their daughter’s
first word, because it makes them feel good.
As I look back on my life, it was the people who really nurtured
me and my soul for whom I have the deepest respect really, the ones who always
remember who and what was important to me. Dinner parties although fun and
appreciated have less impact. Organizing, planning, calling on birthdays it is
all super important but it needs the balance of the unexpected in there. Those moments
that cannot be planned or called on. The moments that are invisible. But deeply
remembered. The moments that people show you not out of obligation or out of
duty..but out of love.
It all comes down to nurturing and being connected.
And as I read these books I feel a guilt, regret that I
did not do more of this as my kids grew up, more smelling of the flowers, more
appreciation of nature, more carefree moments. But I gave them other gifts and
plenty of them and was smart enough to surround them with people in their daily
lives who were more than willing to smell the roses with them.
And I think a lot has to do with our own childhoods. My
theory is that first and foremost a child must be safe in the world and
protected. They must feel that their parents are looking after them, and
planning for the future, and taking care of their needs, and teaching them to
make good decisions and looking out for the unexpected, Preventing crisis. If a
kid feels that security he or he can move on to feel joy and peace and
happiness. If he does not feel it..he will cave…or he will create it for
himself.
I had beautiful moments of my childhood and a wonderful incredible
Mother…but one aspect that was very hard for me was that I always felt like I
had to be “on”. I had to plan for the worst, make decisions, and expect that
crisis could come about at any moment. And fend it off and prevent it. Maybe it
was in my imagination. And maybe it was not. Peace and joy and happiness were
there, but outside of myself as a child, for others and I felt not for me in
many ways. As an adult it has been extremely hard to change this about myself.
My life was so so much more weighted on
the invisible to do lists than concrete learning it seemed to me…I was nurtured
so much everyday but what I lacked was a sense of control around me that I had
to ultimately create for myself.
I was loved endlessly, don’t get me wrong.But I did not
feel led through an often very hazy maze.
I feel that kids who are raised in a very structured environment
where the parents take on most of the burden or worry, and planning and
organizing and life’s tough moments…..breed kids who can just sweat the small
stuff. Who can be children and leave a lot of the worrying to their parents. I
may be over structured in my own home and over compensating, but my hope is
that my kids will feel a balance between structure and peace. That they will be
able to achieve now and as as adults a balance between performance and
achievement and peacefulness and playfulness.
I don’t know if the environment I have provided will
achieve that but I can hope it will.
So as I move onto the New Year I am starting to get ready
to say goodbye to part of my suit of armor. And leave it at the childhood door
where it belongs. To allow my list to include the invisible, because god knows
I have mastered the other stuff. And even if less gets done in a day, or a month or a
year, that I leave that period knowing that many things crossed off were meaningful
and wonderful and appreciated.
And now that the structure and foundation have
been firmly set in our family…..maybe it’s time to start fully enjoying it all
a bit more. The house has been built and it is decorated. Now it’s time to live in it
fully. I have spent so much of my life ensuring the foundation is strong..it now needs to be tried and tested. My gut feeling? It is powerful and solid-it is finished being built.
And you know what? It is never, ever too late to change.
Get ready to see the very best parts of myself being
offered right up to you on a platter if I love you enoughJ) It will be interesting to see who eats me right up. And what the future holds. I have been giving up control for years now. I think it is finally time for the finale.
