Worried Mommy

I am worried..

I am worried about Beauty. This morning I woke up crying about it as it has been going on for 5 weeks now and won’t go away. I am worried.

Since our trip on the cruise for Easter 5.5 weeks ago she has had health issues and it is all a big puzzle. Stomach aches, lots of dizziness and missed 6 days of school. Disaster.

Her pattern is very very inconsistent. Perfect for 4 days then very sick for one. Alternates between bad stomach aches, throwing up and severe dizziness. She has missed parties, ice-cream, exams and shows at school.On the other hand when she is healthy she is perfect and has done dance recitals, hip hop, volleyball tournaments, and bikes to school almost daily.

A mystery. And the two doctors agree. Next week blood tests and ultrasound begin…I hate this. I am away all 5 days next week for work in the USA and I hate to be so far during this.

Today Beauty (and I) woke up in tears after another night of sleeplessness, pain and worry. For the last couple of months I try to put this out of my head, but this is getting crazy now. My daughter is starting to really worry tooL

I want her better, NOW.

NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Another missed exam today, another cancellation of a Friday night playdate she was looking forward too, another day spent on the comfy couch at her Dad’s office.

Please let her be ok? I know in my heart she will be, but this waiting game is getting to all of us. I just want confirmation that she is ok .

If you have any good thoughts, prayers and vibes to send her…pls do? BBB a special one from you over there across the world unpacking? I know when it comes to Beauty your thoughts and well wishes have loads of impact.

Love,

A Worried Mom

 

Two Things Funny

Two things made me laugh a little this week.

Blog worthy enough.

The first was that with husband’s new office his secretaries can’t walk to the bank anymore. So he decided that when they have to drive to the bank ( aka everyday)  they will be taking his car since his and mileage and gas. Sounds like a good and right idea right?

Sure it was..until he added:

“So we can’t change cars anymore or share like we do now. You will need to take the older minivan everyday and I will need to take the newer sportier Lexus.”

(silly me asks?) “Why?”

“Well because of course the girls need a really nice car to drive”

(naïve me asks? “Why?”

“Well because they deserve a treat!”

Oh ok! So that’s why!!! Your wife who gave birth to three 10 lb incredibly shrinking midgets and mortgaged your new office on my own line of credit is to sit in the smelly van and not get a treat I guess??? Of course!!! I get it now!!!

Anyways it was super funny. You tend to find these things funny and not offensive after many many years of marriage thank goodness.

2^nd funny thing (there were not many so far this week so I am grateful for these two)

Over last 2 months I got manicures. Besides my wedding a first for me. Everyone always says I have amazing nails but not my thing..I keep them short and fashionably well bitten. Not anymore! I got a French manicure Shellac and it is beautiful (and  apparently deadly but oh well)

I am very girly girl about some things and terribly not about other things. I love clothes but don’t really like to shop. I love shoes but only have 5-6 pairs. Same with purses. I like mascara but have no time to apply it properly. I love spas but hate researching massage treatments. I think I look very girly girl but inside I must be part man. My daughter is exactly the same.

All this to say last night I needed to cut my nails because they were too long and I could not type anymore! God it’s hard being a girl. So of course my daughter doesn’t have a nail file. My husband has a nail clipper-but that would not be enough.

I could not believe I did not own a nail file and never have after 41 yrs.! This is honestly pathetic no? I guess I just have good teeth that make the nails look even most days of the week.

And then I remembered! Bear! And so I went to his room and asked to borrow his manicure set (which is in a red convertible car case) and he let me! And then I did my nails just like any normal girl. He asked for it back immediately this morning.

I put “manicure set” on my pharmacy list-another thing I have a love hate relationship. Errands. I told you I must be a man!

Anyways these two things were funny and they made me laugh.

Laughing is good.

Ella Bleu! Elle-Belle! Miss Bleuberry Eyes!!!!

You walked today! Your cast came off! Your brace came off!

I was so happy to receive your Mom’s text and your Dad’s video of you walking right out of that hospital little one!

And those doctors thought you would need Physio to learn to walk again? Not you!

I loved seeing that video of your face and your pride and your freedom.

You are free.

What an unbelievable feeling that must be after all of these months.

Thanks Ella for teaching me about resilience, and determination and love. Thank you for letting me help take care of you once in a while, and  teaching me about tea parties. I love your matter of fact way of speaking and the way you love the sparkles on your cupcakes. It has been so much fun hanging out with you. And I hope we continue to do it often.

Thank you Ella for giving me the chance to put my love into action and for welcoming all of us into your difficult process.

You also taught my own little girl to give  and to help and this process really really bonded us in a new and special way. No one was happier than Beauty today when I told her the news!!!!

Thanks for letting us see a real life example of a family who went through some really tough times but who stayed calm cool and collected and came out on top-walking out of the hospital hand in hand. Together.

Mostly thank you for getting your Mommy to ask for help when needed. I hope she always always does this with me. And me with her. What a great feeling this is for two girls like she and I who have relied on ourselves for so many years to be able to openly reach out to each other

You will always be my little princess superhero girl. And  you will always come to mind for me when I am going through something tough myself…..I will remember how you got through what you did. You are still my hero:)

Congrats Ella!!!!

Being Cool Together

I always knew that someday I would find the silver lining of being dumped for the high school carpool (ok ok maybe dumped is a bit dramatic since the kid moved away..but the second carpool dump was truly a real dump).

So anyways I found the silver lining. It has been building up over the weeks and months and today it was clear:

My boys and I have some of our closet moments on the way to school in the car in the wee hours of the morning. Honestly it starts my Monday out perfectly. Never mind that it also forces me to go to the gym Monday morning at 7am. Bonus!

You see these laughs and tickles and jokes are so much more appreciated since now most often when we are not in the confinement of a closed space such as a house, a car or a box-that smiling and laughing is not really permitted much anymore.

I used to have one too cool son. Now I have two. They are too cool together.

So cool that they look ridiculous actually! It is truly laughable! I mean at Beauty’s dance show yesterday they looked like they were trying to have zero expression on their faces and their hands were dug so far into their pockets. I just keep imaging how much effort this circus must take. And they always always return to normal in the car. Like so different than their public persona it is almost nuts.

And I have read and read and read on this subject and apparently it is not only normal but completely necessary especially for adolescent boys. This happens usually at age 13 yrs. There is apparently a huge difference between a 12 yr old boy and a 13 yr old boy. And I saw it the other day at Bear’s bday party with one 12 yr old in attendance. He seemed to be the only one who did not care about being too cool. His turn will come.

So all that to say I savor with every bone in my body these Monday car rides now. I love joking with Chase that we will need a lawn mower to cut his hair.  Love telling them I walk 5 times a week, workout 2 times and do a yoga class all for the sake of “well of course..just look at this body boys!!!!” (hahahahaha big joke joke). I love telling them how silly they look in public when they don’t smile and teasing them that if I did not know better I would think they did not love me.

It is at stages like this that I am grateful that neither my Hubby nor I have very strong convictions or this would be so much harder and hurt so much more. Neither of us is too much against piercing, tattoos, purple long hair, French kissing, drinking. We are not attached to a specific religion with guiding rules and hard regulations to follow nor do we care that much about swear words, or types of movies or what video games they play. Overall I would say by this age our parenting style by this age is trust their judgments with a whole lot of value guidance. We poured enough learning into them before this age to hopefully last a lifetime.

Let’s be clear: we have ideas about this stuff for certain and desires. As much as possible we want them to hold off as long as possible or abstain from alot of this stuff entirely. However none of them are deal breakers for us. None of them would ever override the relationships with the kid. We are very traditional but kind of hippies at the same time. There is not a whole lot of rebelling these kids need to do against us as we understand adolescence and what it is-we both went through it-two good kids with a bunch of discoveries along the way which made us who were are today.

This was the cornerstone of my extremely close and so successful relationship with my Mom always. There was nothing to rebel against. No specific clothes to wear or not wear, no type of haircut to have or not have, no choir to be forced to sing in on Sundays. Swearing was not taboo. Talking about sex was not taboo. Experimenting with alcohol was not taboo. Their values were not imposed on me although they were willingly and lovingly shared. All of this led to a girl who made her choices under the watchful and loving eye of her Mom. I don’t drink, have never done drugs, has sex a bit too early at 17, married a great guy and had a great career coming out of university. It seemed to work to not have anything to rebel against and I intend to keep this stray with some alterations for my own teens. I was much stricter in childhood than my own parents…but with teens my household will be similar.

 

I am grateful my own Mom gave me this gift of the way she raised me as a teen. No strings attached.

And I must add that of everyone I have ever met so far…I am the closest in adulthood to my Mom than anyone I know. Something worked!

My daughter has not gone through this stage yet. As a girl she many never either. Watching her and her BFF do a full dance routine in front of the village pizzeria yesterday afternoon over and over and putting a Kleenex on ground to try and collect money-I realized coolness is not on her radar yet!!!! I hope it never is!

I love my girl so sweet and affectionate and free spirited, and I love my two too cool boys too

I love how these two brothers have now become one. Learning from one another…and being like one another..and having each other..as they begin the process together of separating from their two uncool parents. As much as it is hard-it is also a beautiful process to watch unfold. The discovering of their own identities.

I am keen to watch who they become when they become their own.

It is both scary to me and delicious.

Friday Happiness Is..

Having enough time to go out for a buffet Indian lunch alone...

Getting all your papers filed in your office which has been on your to do list forever......

 Your son texting you with the most AMAZING news. “Mom I got a 90% on my Science test!!! I feel great Mom!” (omg..omg..omfg!!)

Your daughter  stopping at her Dad’s new office everyday afterschool for a hug even if the candy jar she gave him is not there yet. Every day she bring a different friend to “show it”.....

Your son having his late 13^th bday party tomorrow with 14 boys going to play paintball way far away......

Knowing the whole day tomorrow will be spent in excellent company. Beauty and I  will spend day at parks, ice-cream, walks and naps with Soulkeeper and her  3 lovelies . Sharing a splendid sunny day as our Hubbies take all the boys paintballing and shoot away until their hearts are content.......

Being so grateful that I do not have to take 7 boys in the car to painhtball and someone else actually wanting to do this!

Feeling like as tough as the last few weeks have been physically, emotionally, financially..there is a light at the end of the tunnel. And you can see it....

Your husband coming home last night and saying “Are you jealous of my new life Bebe? Because I can feel that it is going to be pretty darn good one day!”...

 

 

THANK GOD!

My Village has Been Built

I remember a few years back looking at my life and knowing something was missing. I had a lot of very close relationships, and family relationships and friendships, but not close enough…for what my heart is capable of both giving and receiving.

And my family always came first. They usually took first place. I figured I only had a certain amount of love to give and be given and it had a cap on it. It was not overflowing.

And I realized I needed more. I needed my close friends to be like family to me and me to them. This already existed in some cases but not in others.

I knew very clearly I needed to build a village but I honestly had no clue how. I did not know how to start with new people or alter things with old people. I did not know how to give more of myself or become more supportable by others in receiving. I knew I was good…but I wanted to be great. I knew I had wonderful relationships in my life-but I wanted remarkable relationahsips.

I am there.

Of course this journey will never end. It will continue on and on and on as I grow. I will add to my village and be added to villages. But I have a village.

I often picture what would happen if I die. I picture my funeral. What life would be like for my family after I die? To some morbid-to me simply strategic. Planning. A good thing to do. It used to cause more anxiety than anything but now there is even some joy in there as I picture myself as an angel.

I picture a kitchen full of "aunties" at holidays cooking with my kids and husband. I picture friends taking my kids on trips with their own. I picture my kids being invited to camps. I picture my workplace doing something special for my loved ones. I imagine my husband and kids being invited to the same house every Sunday for dinner and drinks. I imagine a friend calling my husband every Tuesday night to talk and let him express his feelings. I imagine my village taking up where I left off as much as I want to be there myself.

And doing it out of love and not out of obligation. Love for me. And for the love we have shared together. And I picture me doing this too for my village with an open and loving heart.

I cannot believe I have been part of creating this beautiful orchestra. That I was able to see outside of my own family and my own comfort zone and create more. If that is even possible? Taking it to a next level? Exploring what the next phase will be?. Sharing this with others? Creating villages for others? Taking this passion and teaching it on a large scale? Teaching that we can never have enough love in our lives. Ever.

Oh the future is grand!  I can hardly wait!  But I know I must. Everything has a time and a place and the most successful of people choose that time and place very consciously. It is not my time for teaching. Not the way I want to teach anyways. It would take me way too far away from my villages right now that I desperately need.

I adore my current village. My main players of my husband perfectly and beautifully flawed and flawless my Protector and foundation of everything good, my three children which words would never articulate what they have given me and allowed me to give them. My closest friends; the one who loves me completely unconditionally and who has taught me this skill of acceptance and peace and the one who knows and loves me inside out and allows me to know her and love her inside out and with whom we grow our lives and families together in perfect synchronization. My friend who both develops me, and calls me forth and debates with me and challenges and cares deeply for me over soulvlaki, and my friend who is far away but in so many ways stays with me every single moment of every single day and who has changed me forever.

My adoring guy friends who one shares with me picture of his new love as a newborn baby and who treats me like a queen and the other who stimulates my intellect on a front I have never known and challenges my restlessness, and with who we share our passion for our precious families. My friends who we share couples and kids with and who we always have a next plan with, a next party, and next dinner; who are there thick and thin through everyday life and fundraisers of kids and parents beings sick.

My Mom: my village from the beginning. A single woman show that has provided more for me in one person than many villages can provide. She is always my Heartbeat. My brothers-one in that caring and loving and big brother way who has shared the joy of his family and life so well and so consistently with me for whom I have such a deep love and respect for. The other who has made me develop areas of myself because of my great love for him that accessed parts of my heart I never knew I had inside of myself. My sista in law who has given me the gift of her real, precious and adoring friendship. The Chiffon family who are everything and so utterly important in who I am and who I want to be as well as solid mentors for our children..

My husband’s village that we have built and built and built now up to a point where we could not live without their love and support. All the little cousins and cousins who hug us and adore us and run towards us. And his huge group of college friends who have become part of our important village and who we have shared our children with through great and now established traditions that are deliberate and cherished.

And my lunch and texting female community who are precious and wonderful and there for me instantaneously at small beep of a text or email. Who we share our kid’s marks with, and obstacles with and dreams with ,even if we see each other in person maybe only 5-6 times per year for lunches or dinners . Their friendships are priceless and support like oxygen to my lungs

And the many many others people who love us daily and monthly and dearly. Who allow us to be part of their lives.

And all the weddings we will attend one day! Oh joy!!!! I love weddings. All the kids of friends that we love for whom we are high enough on other lists to attend the most scared of events. I cannot wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So yes our village has been built and..(sigh inserted) as I write this I feel profound love. And pride. And peace. I have a village and so does my family. And I am so happy for this.

What built it in the end? What took me from great village a few years ago to remarkable one now? Vulnerability, sharing, communication, honestly and knowing my priorities. Fighting for the ones I love always. Never giving up. Belief. Building. Trust. And allowing my heart to expand beyond my family of five. Allowing myself to fully love and to be loved. Opening me and my family up to everything the world has to offer and taking it in breath by breath-filled to the brim with gratitude.

For what was..what is ..and what will be

Understanding that there are still future villages to build. We just don't know we need them yet. But we will. Having the ability to recognize what each phase of life needs; and being part of it's divine and beautiful creation.

Hanging in There-A Concerta Update

It has been months of transition for us at home on so many levels. The move to the new office the biggest and most obvious one. However many other important things have been going on. Firstly, I can honestly say all three of my kids are almost unrecognizable in looks and character. They are all totally growing up..alot. New stages in everything for all three. Having kids so close together-they all grow up together. Having one delayed puberty-one on target and one advanced, equals a whole bunch of hormones going on at the same time-and mostly in a good way. I adore this stage so far..although admit it comes with challenges. This is definitely my zone.

Concerta? Hmm….tough one. Overall one of the hardest decisions I have had to make in my life so far about my kids. I don’t think anyone who has not had to face the decision of medicating a child or not would fully understand. It was tough one and one so important and I knew that it would affect the course of his life. That’s a big big responsibility and it is a heavy medication. Not like an Advil at all.

I have been through many feeling so far over last 3.5 weeks but mostly that we did the right thing. And as I see the changes it is 100% evident to me and my husband that our child has a serious case of ADD that was not treated for many years and not picked up fully by us. That in itself comes with a whole lot of guilt.

In many ways this has been like giving a blind child glasses. In other ways it has altered him in ways I do not like (increased anger and irritability along with the increase in focus). At first I felt like I lost my son in many ways both to the medication and the world. I missed who he was at dinner time-I missed him wanting to be with us at dinnertime.

I have seen results so far on the positive end. A few better marks and tons and tons more ability for studying. No complaints of chatting and talking and disrupting in class. Ability to actually complete a simple but focused task at home. The willingness to try things he has never done before (at 15.5 these new things can be scary however!!)

And overall over the last week things have evened out. His normal personality is starting to show again along with the benefits of the meds. He is coming back to us as his body adjusts. And we will have to go through this all again as next week I am almost certain they will increase dosage as he is on the lowest possible dose which is what 6 yrs. old stay on. We may even have to go through again in another 5 weeks when he has another follow up. It is a tricky med to get right in terms of dosage.

I have felt many things. His brother and sister have felt many things. His Dad has felt many things. And HE has felt many things. And in the end it is HIM I need to think about.

I see an increased self-confidence and self-assurance. I see pride and determination as it relates academically-something that was there in little bits before and now I see he cares a lot. I see a boy growing up into a man before my eyes. As if this process is freeing him up and the energy he used to need to just survive and focus in a day is being used for girls, and friends and some rebelling too. I can see my son pulling away, as teenagers do, where before he and we sought comfort in him staying nearby.

And Concerta has done many things so far and has both pleased and disappointed me on various levels as we live this complex process…..but mostly:

I know I have done what any good Mother does and am giving my son a gift and a chance and in that process I am setting him free. From himself in some ways and from us. Part of me wants to selfishly cry out “Come back little one!!!!” But most of me understand that this gift is his-for his life. And it will be he who ultimately decides if this medications works for him.

Concerta for me is like the finale in the orchestra. It’s the final thread of me coming complete with my son’s incredible and obvious capability. My baby all grown up and managing big decisions and medications now. Deciding if his body needs it and exploring the reactions. Managing his life and his process. Coming to terms with his difficulties on his own and testing out what works.

This medication is a symbol of where I am at right now in my own life and as Mother. Worried and anxious but silent. Involved but also on the sidelines. Obsessed but also letting go. Waiting between breaths and relaxing and letting the process run its course. Loving but letting go. Being less in control and more of a coach.

With Concerta. With my sons. With ADD. With my beautiful and blooming daughter. With my husband’s office. With my marriage. With my friends. With my life.Learning a new way that is actually becoming the new me now and indulging in this change and exploration.

Concerta was a wonderful decision so far; and one I am extremely proud of. I researched it fully, cried my heart out, made very educated decisions and now am managaing to keep myself together as we explore this life changing drug together as a family.

And most importantly leaving it in the hands of my very capable son to decide if it is in fact good for him. And trusting that he will make the right decison for himself and supporting him whichever way it goes.