It has been months of transition for us at home on so
many levels. The move to the new office the biggest and most obvious one.
However many other important things have been going on. Firstly, I can honestly
say all three of my kids are almost unrecognizable in looks and character. They
are all totally growing up..alot. New stages in everything for all three.
Having kids so close together-they all grow up together. Having one delayed puberty-one
on target and one advanced, equals a whole bunch of hormones going on at the
same time-and mostly in a good way. I adore this stage so far..although admit
it comes with challenges. This is definitely my zone.
Concerta? Hmm….tough one. Overall one of the hardest decisions
I have had to make in my life so far about my kids. I don’t think anyone who
has not had to face the decision of medicating a child or not would fully understand.
It was tough one and one so important and I knew that it would affect the
course of his life. That’s a big big responsibility and it is a heavy
medication. Not like an Advil at all.
I have been through many feeling so far over last 3.5
weeks but mostly that we did the right thing. And as I see the changes it is
100% evident to me and my husband that our child has a serious case of ADD that
was not treated for many years and not picked up fully by us. That in itself
comes with a whole lot of guilt.
In many ways this has been like giving a blind child
glasses. In other ways it has altered him in ways I do not like (increased anger
and irritability along with the increase in focus). At first I felt like I lost
my son in many ways both to the medication and the world. I missed who he was
at dinner time-I missed him wanting to be with us at dinnertime.
I have seen results so far on the positive end. A few better
marks and tons and tons more ability for studying. No complaints of chatting
and talking and disrupting in class. Ability to actually complete a simple but
focused task at home. The willingness to try things he has never done before
(at 15.5 these new things can be scary however!!)
And overall over the last week things have evened out.
His normal personality is starting to show again along with the benefits of the
meds. He is coming back to us as his body adjusts. And we will have to go
through this all again as next week I am almost certain they will increase
dosage as he is on the lowest possible dose which is what 6 yrs. old stay on.
We may even have to go through again in another 5 weeks when he has another
follow up. It is a tricky med to get right in terms of dosage.
I have felt many things. His brother and sister have felt
many things. His Dad has felt many things. And HE has felt many things. And in
the end it is HIM I need to think about.
I see an increased self-confidence and self-assurance. I
see pride and determination as it relates academically-something that was there
in little bits before and now I see he
cares a lot. I see a boy growing up into a man before my eyes. As if this
process is freeing him up and the energy he used to need to just survive and
focus in a day is being used for girls, and friends and some rebelling too. I
can see my son pulling away, as teenagers do, where before he and we sought
comfort in him staying nearby.
And Concerta has done many things so far and has both
pleased and disappointed me on various levels as we live this complex process…..but
mostly:
I know I have done what any good Mother does and am
giving my son a gift and a chance and in that process I am setting him free. From
himself in some ways and from us. Part of me wants to selfishly cry out “Come
back little one!!!!” But most of me understand that this gift is his-for his
life. And it will be he who ultimately decides if this medications works for
him.
Concerta for me is like the finale in the orchestra. It’s
the final thread of me coming complete with my son’s incredible and obvious
capability. My baby all grown up and managing big decisions and medications
now. Deciding if his body needs it and exploring the reactions. Managing his life
and his process. Coming to terms with his difficulties on his own and testing
out what works.
This medication is a symbol of where I am at right now in
my own life and as Mother. Worried and anxious but silent. Involved but also on
the sidelines. Obsessed but also letting go. Waiting between breaths and
relaxing and letting the process run its course. Loving but letting go. Being less in control and more of a coach.
With Concerta. With my sons. With ADD. With my beautiful
and blooming daughter. With my husband’s office. With my marriage. With my friends.
With my life.Learning a new way that is actually becoming the new me now and indulging in this change and exploration.
Concerta was a wonderful decision so far; and one I am
extremely proud of. I researched it fully, cried my heart out, made very educated
decisions and now am managaing to keep myself together as we explore this life
changing drug together as a family.
And most importantly leaving it in the hands of my very capable
son to decide if it is in fact good for him. And trusting that he will make the right decison for himself and supporting him whichever way it goes.
