What Concerta is Up To...

I researched this subject so much before I put Chase on this medication. Most of my research was through asking parents who’s kids were on it what it was like for the kids? And the parents? And the families?

One thing that confused me before I had experienced it in our own family, was the fact that in most cases marks and academics did not change significantly but still they felt their kid was way better off at school. I did not get it? If they are still failing math-what is the point of imposing a strong neurological drug?

I get it now.

It’s amazing how much knowledge we gain in living things and experiencing them firsthand.

A few of his marks are much better..most have stayed the same…some are worse even. What is different and better then?

I don’t worry as much about him. He does not worry about him. He seems out of survival mode now and better able to deal with life in general. Me too. Don’t get me wrong he always handled life well…but this is even stronger. There is a certain normalcy to our days that we did not fully experience for the last 15 yrs to a certain degree. I have space in my head for different things now...so does he.

For those of you who have not had to deal with stuff like this with kids..you probably don’t get it. Just like I don’t really get divorce..or adoption…or working on a farm. I know because I have two other kids who I don’t worry about very often either except the usual and normal stuff. Now my eldest seems to have joined those ranks to some degree. And I love this feeling. I am sure he must too.

So has 27 mgs of a medication changed our lives? Yes it most definitely has. Are the changes obvious..no! Huge? No! Noticeable? Maybe?

27 so far is similar to 18mg so far. To be honest I thought he was doing best on the lowest dose of 18….since 27 he has failed two exams and on 18 he got two great exams back..very hard to know. On 27 the let down and shift at 7:30pm as meds wear off is less evident. This is a tough drug I tell you..no wonder parents are worried to give it! It’s a hard one to follow! I have now kept a 40 day detailed chart and it is hard work.

Also an important aspect on this drug for us is to never make Chase feel that he needs it in any way to function. He does not take it on weekends, on professional days and will not take it all summer. Focused Chase is just as good and valuable as a Bit Scattered and Energetic Chase. Both are adored and loved in this home and that strong message is the foundation of everything for us.

For anyone and everyone out there who has to go through this truly difficult process and decision I am here for you. To help you. To share with you and to assist you as so many others did for us in navigating the pros and cons of this journey. Send me a comment and I will send you an email. I want to help you.

I feel like we are in a good place. I feel like my son stands a healthy few meters apart from me now which am strange and foreign but also a great sign of independence and accomplishment too. Sometimes on Fridays afternoons at work I think to myself….”hmmm where is Chase now?” And I realize…I have forgotten even for a few minutes where he is..what he is doing..and what he might be doing. And it is in this slight “forgetfulness”..that I know we are in a very good place. A place of independence and growth with warm and connected hearts that will bind us forever.

I feel good to have made a good decision.

I am glad we all had courage on this one.

I hear his laughter right now as I write this on Friday night…coming upstairs from his room with his friend and I smile. For the hour we spent at the table with Chase and his friend and me and his Dad…for the chicken wings and barley soup in bowl..for the creamsicles for dessert..And the discussions about religion, Satan and cults that these boys are capable of now bringing up and having. I smile that it is now dark out and they are heading off to the village together 30 minute walk away. I smile and I feel peaceful.

I am blogging. My husband napping. Bear hanging out at the mall. Beauty on a bus home from Quebec. Grapefruit cups from the fridge and rasberry bodywash in the shower.

 I am happy all because it is all completely normal.

What has Concerta given us?

It has given us a break.

The break I never even realized I ever needed but that we all desperately did.

 

Hunger

I had put side these two weeks (this week and next week) to lose a few pounds. After 2 business trips, a cruise and summer bathing suits upcoming, I thought it might make some sense.

I always hate “dieting” because I am naturally a very intuitive eater. I eat when hungry and stop when full and generally crave fairly healthy foods. I don’t have a huge sweet tooth (except of course famous cupcakes) but do love carbs both healthy (brown rice and grains)  and not so healthy (like French fries)

All that to say I told myself for 2 weeks straight I would be strict with starchy carbs and eat them minimally. So far in 3 days I have lost 3 lbs even with a bunch of cheating.

Funny thing is usually cutting carbs makes me want to kill myself. I honestly think a meal without pasta or rice or bread is a death sentence. However for some reason this week for the first time in my life I am finding it a bit of a piece of cake! (well not literally) But a piece of meat anyways.

In analyzing this strange ease this week I realized it has nothing to do with food.

This week I have a hunger for things other than food.

I am hungry for the deep connection my daughter and I have been sharing. I am hungry to try all the brand new makeup I bought at the pharmacy. I was hungry to meet my new boss at work and work on some new stuff. I was hungry to get a bill of good health for Beauty. Hungry to watch my son play flag football and hungry to see if 27 mg Concerta would work more effectively. I was hungry to sit in my Jacuzzi overlooking the lake and mountains and to smell the lilacs on the trees on my morning walks after a rain shower.

It was an amazing feeling to realize that lately so much provided me happiness beyond french fries or a cupcake. I never ever considered myself a binge eater, or a bad eater or a big eater..or an emotional eater. I have a great relationship with food in general. But for some reason I am not missing it too much this week. I also came to the realization that it filled alot of things is my life and always has. Food always gave me something to look forward too. To depend on. Now other things also do that. Lots of them.

Funny chats on the phone with BFF’s…watching my son at flagfootball today (as the team captain) lead his team with such calmness and articulations and warmth to victory! Watching the coach congratulate him not on winning (since most the time his team loses) but in the way that my son had a special sentence or comment for his opponents each hand he shook (good throw-you have a magic hand-you are a super-fast runner-you are talented).

Seeing Beauty off to Quebec city today in good health and taking pictures of the 5 girls who have adored each other forever. Smelling those purple lilacs with hazy mist on them this morning. Eating a yummy cookie and not feeling guilty because I was not supposed too. Enjoying the goodness of healthy meals.

Wearing a new and shiny lip-gloss. Hugging my husband in the morning and almost falling into his arms from exhaustion. Being in Boston with my Mom. Writing on my name badge. Loving the thickness and feel and curl of Chases; beautiful and shiny long and dark hair. Pleasing the President of my company and having his ear.

I like life lately even if I am also paradoxically struggling with it all a bit too.I seemed to have found my formula of taking the edge of things just a bit and giving my mind space to calm down a little. And taking this edge of has provided a hunger in me for many things beyond wheat, flower and pasta.

I don’t know if I will stay like this beyond the two weeks prescribed. Nor do I really care. I will take it as it comes and feed my body what it wants as the moment comes hopefully being a few pounds lighter and leaner so that I feel confident in these summer months to gallivant around in smaller things and show a bit more skin than what has been shown in my skisuits all these winter months.

I am hungry for life. And I intend to feast on every morsel and enjoy every delicious bite count. Every carb ridden-plastic heating-exhausted-wonderful-beautiful-confusing –scary moment of it. Bring it on baby. It is all yummy.

Beautiful Boston

It is rare I fall in love with a city. I appreciate them and love them in many ways, but I am not generally a city girl.

I adore Boston.

I have been a number of times before but only for a day, or a quick visit or stayed in the suburbs. This time I was there for the week for a training course at work. I got to see more of this wonderful place a few hours here and a few hours there between 7-10pm and in the early, early mornings. What made it really special for me is that I had my Mommy with me. I paid half her airline ticket as a gift for Mother’s Day and she has some good friends in Boston (my godparents) that she got to hang out with for the week while I attended the conference. In the evenings we had a few hours together. It was so special.

I got up every morning super early and went for a walk by myself in the beautiful park and by the river. I took pictures of red and purple tulips and ducks in the pond. Pictures of a pretty blond doing yoga and cute men’s tushies on bicycles. When I am in the space I can be a pretty good photographer if I do say so myselfJ I loved these early morning walks and looked forward to them about as much as I looked forward to sleeping in the cushy bed with the down comforter and big pillows at night.

The conference was super intense and very good. I will go back soon again for another week and get certified to deliver it myself. I hope it’s in Boston again.

Evenings were great. One we went out with the gang to a great Italian resto. The next my godmothers took us to the outside market and the third a nice shopping evening and dinner on a terrace with my Mom a deux. I have not shopped with my Mom in years..and it was super fun.

I loved getting back to the hotel and having my Mom in the bed on the other  side of the room. We quietly read together and did not turn the TV on even once. We would chat a bit before bedtime before falling asleep. It was such a good week even if we were on completely different schedules ;me with work and her with leisure. It felt like when I lived at home and we would spend hours talking and lying in bed. Brought back some great memories for me.

I also loved for my Mom to see this work side of me-to get this part of me a bit more. Besides to my husband I don’t talk a whole lot about my work-even though it is such a big part of my life. I leave work at work for the most part and talk about it obsessively with my husband who gobbles it all up for the most part-he loves talking about my work…My Mom doesn’t really know this side of me so much. I liked her getting to see it..it was pretty cool.I am so glad she came with me. After her surgery a couple of months ago I thought it would be the perfect gift. I was right.

Since coming back from Boston I have made plans to go back with about 5 different people I loved it that much. The clothes were amazing, the cupcakes heavenly, the food really yummy, the city quiet, the water and weather gorgeous, and the people friendly. I love a place where parks, rivers, flowers, cupcakes, and shopping are all combined.Boston is my place. It was an intense week full of learning, love, hellos, goodbyes and discovery both on a personal and professional level.

As a leader my commitment is: to open myself up more to the creativity within individuals and teams

As a Person; to be less judgemental and critical

As a Mother: to bring my relationship with my daughter to a whole new level ( I started today and already feel the difference)

As a Daughter: to ask for more emotional help from my Mom when it comes to raising my kids

And for the record: of course I wore a name badge and on it I wrote: Full ritualization of health, food and energy.

Boston inspired me to do many beautiful things. A big thank you to the amazing company I work for who provides me such wonderful development opportunities in my career. I got a particular and individual hour of professional coaching that I will not be forgetting any time soon.

I am a lucky girl.

Boston Strong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

The Lazy Hour

Lately my husband and I seem to have no idea if we are coming or going. We go to bed exhausted and wake up in the same way. We open our eyes and have no idea where we are..home..cottage..Boston…new office? It’s all a big blur.

I think it needs to be time to relax a little? If we were not such perfectionists (especially as it relates to preparing for leisure) we would be better off.

Every weekend we have chats with our friends who are biking, picnic lunches. Ice cream cones. Fun. And we are not having fun at all…we are putting in the gazillion hours it takes to get ready to have ice-cream, and bike rides…and reading and cooking.

But then..when we get there. Oh man do we relax and enjoy it. There is no guilt in it at all. We feel it is well, well deserved. We can’t wait!!!!!!!!!!!

I think we just do things differently than many others. We can’t stand the feeling of not knowing where this or that is..or not having the chair on the dock in the right place…or not having it all organized right now..so we do it all right now (which this years is spreading over 9 weekends it seems).

Well last night we all just literally crashed. Literally. As in eat dinner and by 9pm right after we eat the last bite everyone find a couch and sleep on it. With the food staying out, the table full and everything. Some of us started with a book and then slept. Others fell asleep in each other’s arms (Daddy and daughter). I think three of us fell asleep during a conversation we were having.

For me it was a lazy hour (or two) I won’t forget. It is what cottage life is all about for me. Letting go and lazy. I can feel it, and want more more and more.

And as I saw this and observed it all through my own snoring it made me realize at what a different place we are right now with our kids. There is no more of “let’s get them to sleep and spend so quality time together”. I don’t necessarily get to cuddle up to my Hubby on the bali bed at night for the evening as there is another woman in the house now. Conversations with the boys are just as interesting as conversations with my Man.

I think we are also realizing that these years will go by quickly and we better grab them while they are still here. While they are still with us. We went from years ago as they were littler to looking so so forward to dinners alone, trips alone, date nights with each other……to desperately needing and wanting these times with our kids knowing that in a few years we will have all the time in the world for each other again.

It has been a huge paradigm shift for us as a couple. Hard in some ways. I miss my husband and he misses me. Our world for so many years was built around coveting and preserving this alone quality time with one and another. Literally carving it out. We still have it..but not in the same and precise way.

Now my joy comes from seeing his daughter snuggled against his chest. His happiness comes from the debate he sees me having at the table with my eldest son about donor sperm while hubby is quietly at the sidelines watching. I feel sheer delight in the golf game my middle son and husband enjoy a deux that takes all day long leaving me alone in my day.

We are watching grow what we created together..nurtured together...worried about together. This is them. Those same little babies we got up a few times a night for..here they are.

I miss my husband in so many ways. The time it takes to set up the houses and the offices..the time it takes to have these close relationships with our kids. I want him for me. He wants me for him.

But we understand that love is many things and love needs to be built and built and built for the foundations to be strong enough to let them all go at one point..and want to come back to us. They need this closeness with us..as much as we need it with eachother. Maybe even more at this stage?  I need a vacation alone with my husband but maybe my teenage son also needs a week alone fishing with his Dad? I need a date night for pasta on a terrace with my guy, but maybe she also needs a movie and popcorn night just the two of them?

We need to prepare for the time when we have three independent adult kids. We need to set up a very solid network of close friends and family for when we don’t have five lives in the house to take care of. We need to ensure..that we have what we need for later. We need to ensure we are still close and strong and in love.It’s a time of transition and of combining short and long term thinking.

I remember Uncle Chiffon telling me in no uncertain terms “Prepare now for what is going to come later-make sure you are set up right” And I listened to him. I am building and building and enjoying a whole bunch along the way.

So last night was perfect as far as I am concerned. We were all together and all separate. All spent and all fulfilled. All tired but all full of anticipations. We all felt pride in different ways in the building we have been doing and the enjoyments this will bring us soon.

Part of loving is letting go. I feel it with my kids..I feel it with my husband and I feel it with my world in general. Letting go of control is some scary business for a control freak. I don’t want the outside world to perceive I run the show anymore…I believe strongly that perception is reality. I want to change. I will know I have succeeded when the outside world sees that things have changed. Until then it is invisible.

So as we complete a good part of our spring work by the end of this week I think of building, and labor and foundations both in terms of wood and shelter and in terms of love and relationships. And how for me love will always be a symphony of controlling and letting go . Keeping them close yet giving them space. Focusing on my families both of orientation, of procreation and my families outside of my true relations. Setting myself and my loved ones up for success and happiness now and in the future.

And keeping my eye on the prize: health, happiness and as much joy as can be squeezed into this humble life of ours. With happiness and pleasure and pain all along the way..then…now and later. A constant process.

Not saving any of it for retirement-but enjoying it all along the way.

A Picture of Respect

Once in a while you get to witness something beautiful in life-something that impresses you and that you dont really understand... But that you know you like..alot.

Often these moments creep up on you out of the blue. They surprise you, they cause both envy and admiration

They impress you. You are impressed.

Tonight. Her. Him. Her. Them
Hugs, kisses, love and nuturing all over the place. Shared bills, shared children, shared pasta and shared adult kids.

How did they get there? To a place where they give eachother mothers day gifts because they look upon eachother as phenomenal beings in the joint effort to love the children that now seem to belong to both of them?
How do you get to such an unselfish and lovely place in life to want to share what you created?

And how does one have the grace it takes to step back to the sideline and let it all play out? Deliberate. On purpose. The shadow role but  also front and center. Never trying to be the mom or the stepmom... As not the mom at all. Something different, something unique. Willing to give up the front seat for the beautiful view in the back seat. So respectful to us as the friends that used to know these people as a different couple. To allow for that memory..and that feeling..and that place we had and still have to some degree even amongst this entirely new situation.

Everyone knew their place and understood it. Most importantly accepted their places. Accepted they each had a place. Each a beautiful and different place.

It was truly beautiful to watch. Truly. I learnt so much.

I love the orchestra they have created together. I felt honored to sit there and listen to it. To be part of it all; so different from my own life and so similar in also so many ways.

Mother's Day Lovely Madness

Today was a little crazy around here. No different really than the last 5-6 weeks have been so made sense to me in most ways.

Today was a reflection of our chaotic out of control spring madness.

Owning a country home is amazing but it’s also a hell of a lot of work. Especially that we can’t afford to pay anyone to help us there clean, or garden, or fix things or mow lawns. So that is two homes to take care of. And  a huge move to a new office that we now take care of too. Have we gone mad?

As soon a summer or winter rolls around I never regret this stuff. It’s worth every single minute, but for the moment it’s a ton of crappy work to do.

So here was my mother’s day:

A huge weekend of cleaning and work. 16 hrs for me and 16 hours for Hubby. 4 hrs for each kid

We also each did 20 hours each at city house last weekend.

15 hours me for office weekend before and Hubby about 1 million hours.

Ay 9pm last night we went out for a big and fancy dinner that we had a coupon for and the two gourmets ate all the escargots and Carpaccio and foie gras and we three non-gourmets ate spaghetti and tried to save a bit of money.

We literally all fell into bed

Until A bear came at 3:30 and started barfing up escargot

And because we don’t have bathroom in basement he had nowhere to sleep and barf simultaneously

So he just “slept” with me and barfed most the night

And Hubby “slept” on the couch

Not a whole lot of sleeping going on in our house lately.

But as crazy as this sounds I loved my night. Each time he would get up he would come back and gently touch my face; and apologize for being sick on mothers’ day, and was just so darn sweet. He wished me happy mothers day every hour from 4am-9am.

I love that kid to bits I tell ya.

Then in the morning everyone came into our barfy bed and gave me gifts. Chase too!!!! And Beauty her beautiful gift certificates and card and Bear made me a video!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A movie of all our travel pics with captions and music-he worked a zillion hours and my heart melted and it was the best gift ever. They all were.  I love my family.

(I was kind of happy they gave me anything as the day before I screamed at them a lot and called them all little idiots very loudly because they were not helping enough and because my period is 4 days away)

It’s not all roses and flowers people

My husband gave me an -I phone stand for car and a waterproof phone case so I can safely bring my phone on the boatJ

So than I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned. So did hubby. All day long.

And Bear and Beauty made me a surprise brunch and it was sooooooo yummy. They have their Dad’s genes for cooking that is certain. And Chase happily ate it and cleaned it all up.

And then we just had a normal crazy day. Some tummy aches, some fighting, some laughing, some hyperness and lots and lots and lots of cleaning.

We came home and had a silly dessert with my Mom and took some silly pictures all together. Gave kisses and that was it.

It was just life. My life. A bit chaotic. A bit out of control lately. And very busy.

So Mothers Day this year was really good just like my life. I am learning to roll with the punches and lately my punches are sleepless nights with a whole bunch of sick kids coming into my room for whatever reason.

And a whole lot of cleaning going on in between.

The kids kept telling me they felt sorry for me that my weekend was all about cleaning when I should be celebrating and doing something special instead. I kept reaffirming to them that I was fine and that holidays although fun are not even half as important to me as all the days in between. I still think these holidays are a bit whacky…it’s all the rest of the days that count most for me..although being a little spoiled certainly felt great too.

I leave tomorrow for 5 days on a business trip. I was looking forward to doing some blogging at night. But likely I won’t because I forgot my computer at the cottage!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can I blog on an ipad? I can’t seem to figure it out.

So if you don’t hear from me for a number of days-know I miss you-and I am reading you-and I love you.

I promise to get back to you soon with a purple hair and swearing continuation. Trust me I don’t want these things… or even tolerate them very well…they just are not make or break for me. More later..

Maybe it’s time to stick my nose into a yummy new book since won’t be blogging much?

Happy Mother’s Day to me.

That Corner

There is a corner I pass almost weekly. Not a special corner-but one across a fairly busy intersection on a fairly plain road.

I pass it as it is on my way to many errands and play dates and movies. Each time I pass it I feel good. And I was not sure why.

Until today

I have wondered over the years why I like it in particular. I knew it has something to do with the summers I babysat close to there and took the bus home every summer day after my job. I was 13 yrs old and a mother’s helper to a busy family. I did not remember however liking that family all that much or cherishing the time I spent there. I tried to remember if a boy I liked back then lived close by…but none came to mind.

I liked the corner.

Today I remembered him.

Remembered me-the memory. One of a few cherished ones I have that are powerful for me and also hard to dig up. Good memories. Strong ones. Memories of love.

It was after I had finished my day babysitting and I was standing at the corner waiting for the bus. It was a hot sunny day with loads of sunshine. I was wearing white shorts and a blue t-shirt. Sandals and my hair in a ponytail down my back. He had called the place I babysat and told me ‘he had news” in a very excited voice. He told me that I would be very excited and that he would tell me more when I got home. I begged him to tell me then but he did not. It was a playful conversation. He sounded happy-I was happy.

So that whole time at the corner I felt like I had won a prize-the prize of anticipation. I had something to look forward to. My Dad was going to share something with me..not my Mom..but my Dad. He was going to share something with me. It felt good.

I was quite sure I knew what the news was but I could not get my hopes up too high. I could tell from the sound of his voice that I was right but I could not be sure.

When I got home I ran toward him and he had a big smile on his face. A smile for me. He was happy. I made him happy. He told me that I got a very select modelling audition for a new product for pre-teens. I was so excited! He was so excited! We started choosing my outfit and my hairstyle together-we planned it all out. Together

He said I could miss school the day it fell on. He said he would take me and miss work that day. I felt so excited and important. Auditions were what we shared. It was heavenly to have this together. It felt what normal fathers and daughters might do together.

I loved that bus corner…I still do. I love the memory that I remembered.

You see I don’t have many of them that are good like that-but the ones I do have are really, really good. A sense of togetherness. A sense of separateness from the confines of our habitual and so often dysfunctional relationship. A place for us. What any girl needs and wants as hard as circumstances could be.

I remember that corner as if it was yesterdays and the audition even stronger. The white blouse and the peasant skirt. The dark bangs and the sandals. The way the photographer told my Dad I had a smile made of gold. The way I felt.

I didn’t get that part in that magazine. But I loved that cherished day as if I had. There were more auditions and other moments similar to this on-but that one stood out in particular.

I felt my Dad’s pride. I felt taken care of. Two things I craved and craved and craved as a pre-teen. When I look back at the pictures of that day-and of pictures I did manage to get in-what I remember most will always be…

My Dad being happy.

Because of me.