Lately my husband and I seem to have no idea if we are
coming or going. We go to bed exhausted and wake up in the same way. We open
our eyes and have no idea where we are..home..cottage..Boston…new office? It’s
all a big blur.
I think it needs to be time to relax a little? If we were
not such perfectionists (especially as it relates to preparing for leisure) we
would be better off.
Every weekend we have chats with our friends who are
biking, picnic lunches. Ice cream cones. Fun. And we are not having fun at all…we
are putting in the gazillion hours it takes to get ready to have ice-cream, and
bike rides…and reading and cooking.
But then..when we get there. Oh man do we relax and enjoy
it. There is no guilt in it at all. We feel it is well, well deserved. We can’t
wait!!!!!!!!!!!
I think we just do things differently than many others.
We can’t stand the feeling of not knowing where this or that is..or not having
the chair on the dock in the right place…or not having it all organized right
now..so we do it all right now (which this years is spreading over 9 weekends
it seems).
Well last night we all just literally crashed. Literally.
As in eat dinner and by 9pm right after we eat the last bite everyone find a
couch and sleep on it. With the food staying out, the table full and
everything. Some of us started with a book and then slept. Others fell asleep
in each other’s arms (Daddy and daughter). I think three of us fell asleep during a conversation we were having.
For me it was a lazy hour (or two) I won’t forget. It is
what cottage life is all about for me. Letting go and lazy. I can feel it, and
want more more and more.
And as I saw this and observed it all through my own
snoring it made me realize at what a different place we are right now with our
kids. There is no more of “let’s get them to sleep and spend so quality time
together”. I don’t necessarily get to cuddle up to my Hubby on the bali bed at
night for the evening as there is another woman in the house now. Conversations
with the boys are just as interesting as conversations with my Man.
I think we are also realizing that these years will go by
quickly and we better grab them while they are still here. While they are still
with us. We went from years ago as they were littler to looking so so forward
to dinners alone, trips alone, date nights with each other……to desperately needing
and wanting these times with our kids knowing that in a few years we will have
all the time in the world for each other again.
It has been a huge paradigm shift for us as a couple. Hard
in some ways. I miss my husband and he misses me. Our world for so many years
was built around coveting and preserving this alone quality time with one and another.
Literally carving it out. We still have it..but not in the same and precise
way.
Now my joy comes from seeing his daughter snuggled
against his chest. His happiness comes from the debate he sees me having at the
table with my eldest son about donor sperm while hubby is quietly at the
sidelines watching. I feel sheer delight in the golf game my middle son and
husband enjoy a deux that takes all day long leaving me alone in my day.
We are watching grow what we created together..nurtured together...worried about together. This is them. Those same little babies we got up a few times a night for..here they are.
I miss my husband in so many ways. The time it takes to
set up the houses and the offices..the time it takes to have these close
relationships with our kids. I want him for me. He wants me for him.
But we understand that love is many things and love needs
to be built and built and built for the foundations to be strong enough to let
them all go at one point..and want to come back to us. They need this closeness
with us..as much as we need it with eachother. Maybe even more at this
stage? I need a vacation alone with my
husband but maybe my teenage son also needs a week alone fishing with his Dad?
I need a date night for pasta on a terrace with my guy, but maybe she also needs
a movie and popcorn night just the two of them?
We need to prepare for the time when we have three independent
adult kids. We need to set up a very solid network of close friends and family
for when we don’t have five lives in the house to take care of. We need to ensure..that
we have what we need for later. We need to ensure we are still close and strong and in love.It’s a time of transition and of combining
short and long term thinking.
I remember Uncle Chiffon telling me in no uncertain terms
“Prepare now for what is going to come later-make sure you are set up right” And
I listened to him. I am building and building and enjoying a whole bunch along
the way.
So last night was perfect as far as I am concerned. We
were all together and all separate. All spent and all fulfilled. All tired but
all full of anticipations. We all felt pride in different ways in the building
we have been doing and the enjoyments this will bring us soon.
Part of loving is letting go. I feel it with my kids..I
feel it with my husband and I feel it with my world in general. Letting go of control
is some scary business for a control freak. I don’t want the outside world to
perceive I run the show anymore…I believe strongly that perception is reality.
I want to change. I will know I have succeeded when the outside world sees that things have changed. Until then it is invisible.
So as we complete a good part of our spring work by the
end of this week I think of building, and labor and foundations both in terms
of wood and shelter and in terms of love and relationships. And how for me love
will always be a symphony of controlling and letting go . Keeping them close
yet giving them space. Focusing on my families both of orientation, of procreation
and my families outside of my true relations. Setting myself and my loved ones
up for success and happiness now and in the future.
And keeping my eye on the prize: health, happiness and as
much joy as can be squeezed into this humble life of ours. With happiness and
pleasure and pain all along the way..then…now and later. A constant process.
Not saving any of it for retirement-but enjoying it all along the way.
