One of my Favorite Expressions Now-a days

“Energy goes where attention goes”

I learned this mantra in yoga and am constantly aware of it as the teacher says it often throughout the sessions. I ask myself “why do I like this so much-what resonates with me?”

A lot.

I believe it is the truth of everything.

We succeed at what we pay attention to in life. Therefore isn’t it so very critically important what we choose to put our attention on ? As a coach I see so many people go around in life having no idea what they are putting their attention on….what defines them…what brings them joy..what their thread of their lives are. My job is to help them change that for the better.

Or many others having a much clearer vision but the vision are short term and not long term. This feels great now…give me some more. What about in 10 yrs.? 20 yrs.? 50 yrs.? Will it still be your first choice then? How does your choice now affect others later? How does your comfort now  compare to your comfort later?

A group of friends and I the other day had a very interesting and heated discussion around this topic and how above anything else in life-balances always wins out as a solution to happiness. Too much of a good thing is usually at the expense of a longer term win. Not enough of something here and now is usually at the expose of a shot terms goal and being more in the present.

And then you see the group of many people who are great at one particular thing or area but at the expense of many other important areas. Like the star hockey child failing school or the super fit Dad who goes to the gym daily in perfect health but has lost the affections of his lonely kids.Or the super Mom who puts all her energy into her kids and husband but not into friendships and then her husband dies of a heart attack.

We all likely fall into one of these categories even while strive for balance in our lives.

And those people who do achieve balance in their lives a common complaint is a certain sense of routine and boredom on some levels. They are happy but not elated, they are calm but not yet fully peaceful, and they are content but not fulfilled entirely. And in my opinion this is likely where we should aim for. Not perfection but a solid, solid foundation of short and long term strategic thinking that gets us through life in one piece, smiling and making good decisions along the way. Where you can wake up each day and feel good about the day before and the day ahead while thoroughly enjoying the day itself. Seems good enough no?

Where you feel safe. And welcomed. And not fearful of the future and the what ifs. Knowing that you have both a short term and long term contingency plan in case things don’t work out exactly as you planned them out to happen.

I read a book the other day of a woman who was dying of cancer. And when she died she left a full legacy of letters to the people she loved. Not just an expression of love…but of direction..and values ..and wishes for every stage of their lives she would not be there. It was so utterly beautiful that her death and her experience of it went beyond herself.

That was what I imagine myself doing. I have always imagined that. Life is so much more that a simple goodbye. It is who you are and what you stand for and figuring that out along the way and offering it to the world in subtle and maybe unsubtle ways. It is giving what you have most of to those who possess it least and receiving from others what you don’t have yourself.

And being smart enough to know what you have to give and what you need to receive. And allowing it all to flow in when you need to give or to get it.

Life can be beautiful when it is balanced. It can be boring too. It can be bright and bold. And wonderful. And routine. And repetitive. And safe and secure and loving and predictable. Warm and Cozy.

Attention goes where energy goes. What an amazing power to know we have the choice to decide isn’t it? Ensuring that what we are paying attention
to is where we want the energy go in our lives. And if it is not-to fairly quickly change directions.
 

 

Fresh and Pure

Warning: Will be short and sweet as I am lying down and writing this and my eyelids are already closing.

Two of my dearest friends who were with me for a mini retreat at Trent today and Thursday night remind me of quite simply:

 

Ivory Bars of Soap.

So much so that over dinner I intererrupted the lively conversation we were having about hot men and sex and I blurted out:

“You are both just so good and pure” (and trust me they were not talking purely).

They are good good girls and good good friends. Pointe Finale.

Loving. Caring. Warm. A side I began with long, long ago and am coming back to full circle to in my life. I love the feel of their sweet affections.

I love their children and their laughter. I love the way they open my mind and nurture my soul. I just plain and simple love them.

And I love the circle the three of us have both separately and together. It just feels damn good.

Freezing lakes and wishes

Jacuzzis overlooking mountains

High carbs and pink cupcakes

PastaJ))

Little sweet girls falling asleep in peddle boats that don’t work

French toast with berries

Sweet little baby boys looking at Mama with adoring eyes

More pink cupcakes on the dock in the wind

Poo-pools that don’t come out

Kids who don’t want to come in

Salad with shallots and cilantro

Clips in hair

Robes on backs

Phones away

Hugs and kisses

Worry dolls and decisions made.

These girls (now woman) have always loved every part of me. I feel lucky…and underserving in so many ways. In other grateful and at peace. Mostly content and not asking too many questions.

Basking today as we did in the sun..in the sincerity and authenticity of their affections. For me..who I was…who I am ..and what I will be. For my husband..for my children..for my life.

And I the same for them in return.  Putting their lives, along with my own as a high high priority. Making it all count.

For the wins I have and the mistakes I make. They will catch me when I fall in the safe net of their non-judgmental and loving ways. Knowing that I can tell anything and everything.

I feel safe.

They are clean and pure just like my morning soap.

Like coffee for others in the morning. They may need coffee. I need them.

 

Wearing Off Quickly

I have a slight feeling that my hunger for life is wearing off..slightly.As I seem to have my hunger for starches and carbs back in a big way!

There is a slight problem here though as I still have another week of this crap (minuses Friday Saturdays and Sundays of course which would just be suicide).Can you tell how committed I am to this lifestyle?

Why now? Why these weird timelines I need to adhere too? A few factors:

1-Bathings suits soon

2-Cruise, Boston and March break added up to an extra three lbs.

3-Most importantly annual with Dr next week and don’t want her to give me a speech!!!! Plus her scale is so off. Always makes me shorter and fatter than my own scale. I mean is she trying to help people or depress them? Even my husband is two inches shorter and 5 lbs. fatter on her dumb scales. Reality check needed for our own scale are you wondering? Shut up ok! Ignorance is bliss.

So my hunger for life and all that jazz is wearing off as I find myself looking at yet another salad with some protein on it I feel like puking. Honestly give me a piece of cardboard and it would taste like the same thing. Who wants to eat a PB sandwich rolled in a piece of lettuce anyways? Get a life!

What was I thinking last week when I said this was actually bearable? I guess I was three weeks away from menstruation and not two weeks. Or just in annoyingly good mood. Not anymore!

Ya well as it happens… it was “Cake Pop Extravaganza “yesterday at work. Remember I told you how obsessed this place is with cupcakes-well hell ya now they have moved onto my other favorite thing in life. Like I need this in these two weeks eh? Can’t this company be a little less nice and fun pretty please? Just let us work.

So anyways THANK GOD it was on Monday when I am not here (although I shed a few silent tears about it in private) so just to have a little treat I sent an email to 5 of my colleagues saying:

“If you like me even a little.. Please pick me up a cake cop on Monday??” (I figured I could get five and eat one a day as a treat?)

 Well guess how many cake pops I had waiting for me Tuesday?

One (1). Yup. And it was nearly thrown at me the girl was so annoyed with me.

Can you tell my BFF’s at work are gone or sick? One decided to have a baby and one decided to move to a foreign country almost at the same time. What is this? My goodness people.

So ya my cakepop experience shows how much I am liked around here I guess. Or maybe they are helping me out with my waistline too which is even more depressing? Thank goodness today two people told me they liked my shirt (which is see through-is this ok for work?) No boss is around anyways to complain.

You can see my positive attitude and optimism is wavering…..this is what you are getting today. This is what lack of pasta and bread does over time to people. Have you every noticed that very skinny people rarely smile..? They are all depressed I am imagining and barely speak because if they do all that would come out of their mouths would be:

“Give me some noodles and bagels dammit!”

Off to eat my vegetable stir-fry with spinach now and then will treat myself to my own cakpop extravaganza of one stale cakpop in a foam cup. Yay. Poor little pieces of healthy brown rice are not making it into my stir-fry today. I actually feel sorry for them.

 

 

 

 

The Bank of Life

Certainly not my term that was coined of emotional deposits and withdrawals into the bank accounts of life.

We have the late Steven Covey to thank for that. I am quite sure everyone has read his books all around the world.

How true though eh?

Lately I have been focusing on emotional deposits. And also being less critical and judgmental, and even jealous, in some instances in my life. Becoming hyper aware of where I deposit and where I withdraw in my relationships..and most importantly why?

And the why is the really important question when we look at withdrawals. What happened? And what is my role and responsibility? What went wrong? Am I holding a grudge? Did that person harm me in the past or do something to hurt me? Did I communicate my hurt? Did they apologize? Was it sincere if they did?

So many reasons why we would choose to make a withdrawal or a deposit into the emotional bank account of others.

And to me it is the people who keep track that are the most intelligent. The people who are aware enough to know what they are doing or not doing and make some financial decisions and adjustments.

Deposits:

Going for a surprise icecream after the game

Being there to watch the game instead of an important meeting at the end of the day

Making a big deal out of her birthday

Remembering the day her Mom died

Helping her even if you are busy with your own family

Forgiving

Letting him stay home and you go

Taking that call just because

Letting them all fall asleep at 8pm and not complaining even if they promise do watch a move

Withdrawals

Not connecting

Allowing fear to prevent you connecting

Not being able to deal with difficult events of the past

Screaming and fighting and not staying sorry

Saying something means you know will hurt the person

Forgetting things that are important to the other person

Making promises you don’t intend to keep

Committing to things you won’t do

Not showing up

Not acknowledging joy or special events

Not being supportive though times of need

 

There are many many examples of both areas.

It’s on my mind lately of how even the smallest deposit makes me feel good and the other person too. And how receiving a deposit can just make your day.

 

For me the success of any close relationship is when your comfort with each other is so high, and so secure and so unconditional…that you don’t even really realize the deposits and withdraws of life anymore. Because no one is even keeping score yet the interest is accumulating and growing into the savings of your life.

And that type of relationship is beyond beautiful.

And when you have it-you never want to let it go.

I am Just Sayin'...

 

Ya my daughter is pretty neat.

I am about to brag. After complaining about my kids often on this medium, I think I have earned the right. Right?

So if you are a loyal blog reader you remember my post on Beauty and not being very grateful often last year? Well not tonight..tonight was a symphony to my ears: a mouthful of grateful.

Energy goes where we focus on as parents

She got back from Quebec late tonight. All her best friends and her were all hugging and laughing and crying and screaming of joy. They were all showing us Moms what they bought at the mall (they were allowed bringing pocket money to spend) For me that meant Beauty saved her money and brought her own and bought herself a little t-shirt. For many of her friends that meant their Moms giving them a lot more money than that that they spent on clothing at boutiques.

I was little afraid to get in the car as I thought surely Beauty must feel a bit sad about that part. That she was the only one not given spending money from us? It’s not our thing..we don’t do that.

She never mentioned it in the car.

When we got home we all sat her down and pounced on here with the questions of How was trip? Tell every detail! Show us pictures! Give us hugs! We missed you!

Here comes the bragging moment…

She puts her hand out in the air and says “Stop” (in French of course)

“Before we talk about anything else I have something very important to say:”

“Thank you so much Mom and Dad for Quebec …I loved it so much”

And that moment……will remain with me forever.

 

 

 

What Concerta is Up To...

I researched this subject so much before I put Chase on this medication. Most of my research was through asking parents who’s kids were on it what it was like for the kids? And the parents? And the families?

One thing that confused me before I had experienced it in our own family, was the fact that in most cases marks and academics did not change significantly but still they felt their kid was way better off at school. I did not get it? If they are still failing math-what is the point of imposing a strong neurological drug?

I get it now.

It’s amazing how much knowledge we gain in living things and experiencing them firsthand.

A few of his marks are much better..most have stayed the same…some are worse even. What is different and better then?

I don’t worry as much about him. He does not worry about him. He seems out of survival mode now and better able to deal with life in general. Me too. Don’t get me wrong he always handled life well…but this is even stronger. There is a certain normalcy to our days that we did not fully experience for the last 15 yrs to a certain degree. I have space in my head for different things now...so does he.

For those of you who have not had to deal with stuff like this with kids..you probably don’t get it. Just like I don’t really get divorce..or adoption…or working on a farm. I know because I have two other kids who I don’t worry about very often either except the usual and normal stuff. Now my eldest seems to have joined those ranks to some degree. And I love this feeling. I am sure he must too.

So has 27 mgs of a medication changed our lives? Yes it most definitely has. Are the changes obvious..no! Huge? No! Noticeable? Maybe?

27 so far is similar to 18mg so far. To be honest I thought he was doing best on the lowest dose of 18….since 27 he has failed two exams and on 18 he got two great exams back..very hard to know. On 27 the let down and shift at 7:30pm as meds wear off is less evident. This is a tough drug I tell you..no wonder parents are worried to give it! It’s a hard one to follow! I have now kept a 40 day detailed chart and it is hard work.

Also an important aspect on this drug for us is to never make Chase feel that he needs it in any way to function. He does not take it on weekends, on professional days and will not take it all summer. Focused Chase is just as good and valuable as a Bit Scattered and Energetic Chase. Both are adored and loved in this home and that strong message is the foundation of everything for us.

For anyone and everyone out there who has to go through this truly difficult process and decision I am here for you. To help you. To share with you and to assist you as so many others did for us in navigating the pros and cons of this journey. Send me a comment and I will send you an email. I want to help you.

I feel like we are in a good place. I feel like my son stands a healthy few meters apart from me now which am strange and foreign but also a great sign of independence and accomplishment too. Sometimes on Fridays afternoons at work I think to myself….”hmmm where is Chase now?” And I realize…I have forgotten even for a few minutes where he is..what he is doing..and what he might be doing. And it is in this slight “forgetfulness”..that I know we are in a very good place. A place of independence and growth with warm and connected hearts that will bind us forever.

I feel good to have made a good decision.

I am glad we all had courage on this one.

I hear his laughter right now as I write this on Friday night…coming upstairs from his room with his friend and I smile. For the hour we spent at the table with Chase and his friend and me and his Dad…for the chicken wings and barley soup in bowl..for the creamsicles for dessert..And the discussions about religion, Satan and cults that these boys are capable of now bringing up and having. I smile that it is now dark out and they are heading off to the village together 30 minute walk away. I smile and I feel peaceful.

I am blogging. My husband napping. Bear hanging out at the mall. Beauty on a bus home from Quebec. Grapefruit cups from the fridge and rasberry bodywash in the shower.

 I am happy all because it is all completely normal.

What has Concerta given us?

It has given us a break.

The break I never even realized I ever needed but that we all desperately did.

 

Hunger

I had put side these two weeks (this week and next week) to lose a few pounds. After 2 business trips, a cruise and summer bathing suits upcoming, I thought it might make some sense.

I always hate “dieting” because I am naturally a very intuitive eater. I eat when hungry and stop when full and generally crave fairly healthy foods. I don’t have a huge sweet tooth (except of course famous cupcakes) but do love carbs both healthy (brown rice and grains)  and not so healthy (like French fries)

All that to say I told myself for 2 weeks straight I would be strict with starchy carbs and eat them minimally. So far in 3 days I have lost 3 lbs even with a bunch of cheating.

Funny thing is usually cutting carbs makes me want to kill myself. I honestly think a meal without pasta or rice or bread is a death sentence. However for some reason this week for the first time in my life I am finding it a bit of a piece of cake! (well not literally) But a piece of meat anyways.

In analyzing this strange ease this week I realized it has nothing to do with food.

This week I have a hunger for things other than food.

I am hungry for the deep connection my daughter and I have been sharing. I am hungry to try all the brand new makeup I bought at the pharmacy. I was hungry to meet my new boss at work and work on some new stuff. I was hungry to get a bill of good health for Beauty. Hungry to watch my son play flag football and hungry to see if 27 mg Concerta would work more effectively. I was hungry to sit in my Jacuzzi overlooking the lake and mountains and to smell the lilacs on the trees on my morning walks after a rain shower.

It was an amazing feeling to realize that lately so much provided me happiness beyond french fries or a cupcake. I never ever considered myself a binge eater, or a bad eater or a big eater..or an emotional eater. I have a great relationship with food in general. But for some reason I am not missing it too much this week. I also came to the realization that it filled alot of things is my life and always has. Food always gave me something to look forward too. To depend on. Now other things also do that. Lots of them.

Funny chats on the phone with BFF’s…watching my son at flagfootball today (as the team captain) lead his team with such calmness and articulations and warmth to victory! Watching the coach congratulate him not on winning (since most the time his team loses) but in the way that my son had a special sentence or comment for his opponents each hand he shook (good throw-you have a magic hand-you are a super-fast runner-you are talented).

Seeing Beauty off to Quebec city today in good health and taking pictures of the 5 girls who have adored each other forever. Smelling those purple lilacs with hazy mist on them this morning. Eating a yummy cookie and not feeling guilty because I was not supposed too. Enjoying the goodness of healthy meals.

Wearing a new and shiny lip-gloss. Hugging my husband in the morning and almost falling into his arms from exhaustion. Being in Boston with my Mom. Writing on my name badge. Loving the thickness and feel and curl of Chases; beautiful and shiny long and dark hair. Pleasing the President of my company and having his ear.

I like life lately even if I am also paradoxically struggling with it all a bit too.I seemed to have found my formula of taking the edge of things just a bit and giving my mind space to calm down a little. And taking this edge of has provided a hunger in me for many things beyond wheat, flower and pasta.

I don’t know if I will stay like this beyond the two weeks prescribed. Nor do I really care. I will take it as it comes and feed my body what it wants as the moment comes hopefully being a few pounds lighter and leaner so that I feel confident in these summer months to gallivant around in smaller things and show a bit more skin than what has been shown in my skisuits all these winter months.

I am hungry for life. And I intend to feast on every morsel and enjoy every delicious bite count. Every carb ridden-plastic heating-exhausted-wonderful-beautiful-confusing –scary moment of it. Bring it on baby. It is all yummy.