Friday Nights

 

Friday Nights

There has always been a beauty in Friday nights for our family and also a complexity (not a hard one just an annoying one).

We want to relax and unwind from the big week we have had yet want to get up to the cottage too….as Saturday morning sleep ins and waking up to the sounds of the waves in the lake is pretty sweet too.

I have memories from the kids being little of how sweet and simple Friday nights were. An ordered pizza and a family movie all cuddled on the couch. I remember my Swiss colleague in our leadership programs telling our Associates what a wonderful tradition this was of mine and the fact that it was deliberate and we always stuck to it impressed him.

He has two young boys and a lovely wife and they do this now on Friday nights.

We don’t anymore.

And it has nothing to do with lack of wanting too…but it has to do with the changing times. And the fact that I have to honor the stage my family is at-and encourage them at this stage to grow beyond only our family and what feels good for us. This makes me sad.

So now Friday night is often a friend night since the rest of the weekend is spent at the cottage for us. Friday night they can do what they want. Sometimes that means home with us. Sometimes they go out with a friend..often they have a friend to dinner and the evening. Sometimes we are all together and sometimes we are all apart.

And then we usually drive up to the cottage at 10:00pm and arrive here at 11:30pm. Which is very very hard. But I find that it allows my growing children to have a social life and be at the stage they need to be at. And we take the hit and sacrifice and drive while exhausted to accommodate this. And we are all happy (in theory)

 

I was talking to a colleague at work this week about her 16 yr. old and it amazing how two women can view the world so differently. For her she wants to hold him back from his peer group as long as possible and keep him young as long as possible (don’t get me wrong I want this too…just don’t think it is the right thing to do). She said she will do everything and anything to keep him from going through the normal stages of adolescence (getting angry if his room is not kept the way she wants it to be, choosing the way he spends his money and what he wears, not experimenting at all with alcohol, having him participate in a lot of little kid activities against his desires etc..). Ideally I would love this too….but my brain tells me it is not the right thing to do. Their adolescence is not only about me…it is about them..and respecting their process…and their development. They need to find out who they are right? I can’t control that too right?

It is filled with them finding their way and me not prescribing it by this late stage. Of course there is still a strong element of teaching and guiding but to me at this a lot of individuality also has to occur for adolescence to really happen and be successful .I alternate between wanting the kids to be clones of me and my lifestyle and choices and praying that they are not. Cognitive dissonance at it’s best I guess.

I remember clear as day being 15.5 yrs and man was it a journey. My journey. My hand was not held every single step of the way and I had to figure out a whole bunch of things on my own. Resilience was created. Resileince that today still serves me well.

All that to say Friday nights is now bittersweet. I miss those times yet love them all as they occur now all wrapped up into one. I love seeing what my kids choose to do with their precious free time. I love seeing and witnessing the choices they make.

My absolute favorite part is when they have a friend for dinner. Our rule on the Friday night or any night for that matter is that when they have a friend for dinner we all eat together as usual with the friend. I love and adore this. Each Friday there is often a different friend belonging to one of them and a different mix of kids who are present or not. At the age they are now it makes for some great conversations and we can sit for over an hour just all chatting and laughing and discussing. My parents did this for me and my friends all my life and it was probably one of my most cherished memories of adolescence.My home was a fun place and a place where my friends were loved and cherished and respected.

Feeling like my parents were both close by while I had the big task ahead of me of growing up. That they honored this process while yet staying very close and connected to me. My parents did a lot of right things.

It is not easy to watch a child turn into a young adult in many ways. It takes wisdom and patience and especially grace to watch this process as a parent.

I loved last night. I loved watching Chase with his buddy at dinner talk and discuss and debate and share with us. I saw a side of my boy I don’t always get to see as often anymore. And last Friday it was Bear’s friend and two weeks before that Beauty’s friend. I love this part of Friday nights.

And I love driving them to security and safety too by midnight and having them all under one roof sequestered for the weekend. Even though weekends are filled with study and exams –we still have our cherished meals together and special times. The cottage is an amazing place to bond with kids..I cannot say that enough. As they become teens is gets harder but it is still there and although changed just as precious.

I can feel it in my bones though. Things are changing. They are slipping away….things are becoming different than they were before. I am scared. And helpless..yet also filled with pride that we got here. Together. In one piece. That I had something to do with it.

That I conducted a lot of this beautiful orchestra. A lot of the beautiful futures that lie ahead for them. These next number of years will be harder but I hope one day they still look back with fondness and understand the energy that went into what we tried to create.

And  I am also now the conductor when the players decide that maybe it it’s not the saxophone or the trumpet after all that they were destined to play. As they choose and experiment with different instruments that they never even realized existed. While they sway to the music that they hear in their own heads and not the music I have been playing all along.

As they move to their own beats. And perhaps I change mine as I learn more about theirs?

While we sit and exist..and grow side by side. In the comfort of our own beat and the solace of the difference in the music of our minds.

 

A Bright Light

For those of you who know me well-you all know my week has big one big fat problem. I don’t even have the energy to get into it right now I am so annoyed.

But….last night Bear was honored to be invited to the Gala Night of his high school where exceptional behavior and outstanding academic results were honored and celebrated.

When he got this invitation it was as though we were being invited to an Oscars’ ceremony-never in my wildest dreams would we have thought that one of our kids could exceed expectations at this particular school. We always hoped for the bottom quarter or maybe maybe at the average. Doesn’t sound like much to hope for but believe me if you spend one day at this school you would know that I am talking about..

And there he was..accepting his honors…the girls calling out his name as he walked in the building. I was very very very proud.

And then after the ceremony  was over, him taking the time to introduce us to all of his teachers and express a kind word for them about their course, their pretty dresses..questions about the next year and their personal future endeavors. I loved seeing him in his element.

I loved the sportsmanship too-congratulating the winners of the bigger awards and truly being happy for them even though he did not receive a bigger award. Congratulating his best buddy who won an award he would have loved to win based on peer votes, and telling him in all sincerity he truly deserved it.

Asking me in the car if we could go for a treat at McDonalds just the two of us and thanking me profusely for his chicken wrap that cost 2.99&. Bumping into the school service woman at the cash and seeing her know his name and hug him amongst 685 Sec 1's at the school, and him treat her as though she was the most important person in the school. Him telling me in front of her that she was one of the nicest people ever.

Last night was a breath of fresh air amongst all the fog.

It made every single ounce of energy I have poured into parenting and life…..all worth it.

 

PS-And feeling a wonderful pride too as my beautiful cousin from the Chiffons graduated with high honours in Science and is now on her way to medical school !!!! Having her send me a lovely photo..and having Bear talk the whole way in the car about her and say...."we are both pretty smart eh?" You certainly both are!!!!! And beautuiful and loving people. The whole package my two darlings..proud of you both.

 

 

 

Enough Crap!

At present I am co-authoring a book on Family with a very well-known speaker, writer and coach. It is a truly exciting venture which will come to life at the beginning of 2014. The focus of book is on families and mainly deals with children 0-13 yet touches on the teen years throughout too. My dream has always too in the future write another book on my own, about the teenage years. How to get through them successfully and happily. How to start in the early years to set this foundation and carry it out through the turbulent adolescent years.

I always imagine myself on stage delivering a great keynote about the teen years..and having survived and thrived. Maybe my beautiful, successful and sweet 18-22 year old offspring would walk me out to the stage and maybe say a few kind words about the amazing environment they lived in, and how smart I was and sweet along the way? I always knew that I could never write this book or give this speech until all three kids were happy, and well adjusted, and living proof that deliberate parenting does make such a difference in the teen years. I always knew I had to prove myself before I opened my big mouth about anything-I knew they would all need to make it to 18 yrs only in one piece before I went making any promises. I knew that my time they walked me out at that stage (all of us holding hands lovingly of course) they would have to have lived through all this and gone through it all. One big happy family.

Ya well this weekend my future dreams took a big hit. A catapult actually.

Couldn’t anyone have told me that I was clueless? Let me know that the “real” teen years had not hit my 15.5 yr old yet? Let me know that all that attitude and talking back and general odd behavior was just the appetizer to the main upcoming course? And that even now..this is nothing still…there is still a second main course like in Italy..and maybe even a third one of dry and hard and yucky and overcooked pork before you get to the little tiny bit of ice-cream course to clean your platter (that by the way looks like butter)!

I can’t promise anymore that I am going to make a good Mom to Real Teens. Sorry.

If I do make it to that stage I might be half dead and also pushing my husband in a wheelchair not because he will be crippled but just too tired to walk. I think I have been in la la land a bit and borrowing too many pairs of rise colored glasses lately.

Chase is…driving us crazy. Plain and simple.

Yup.

And he hasn’t even yet done anything really wrong. Or have purple hair. Or gone to wild parties. Or lied. It is just like he is in a coma. Unresponsive. Doesn’t answer us. Doesn’t speak. Grunts here and there and has no time for manners, respect or caring or hugs. Or any type of civilization for that matter.

Where did he go?

Ya and “lucky” me I now have a neurological drug to blame this behaviour on. Is 27 mg making him more aggressive..Is 18 mg making him more communicable….what is this drug doing? But you see it is not the drug at all.

It is the teen years.

So far we have escaped some of this madness. Not anymore it seems. Sure! Why not choose our few relaxing weeks of summer to suddenly make our family dysfunctional Chase! Lovely timing!

It was so extreme this weekend I even considered signing him up to be a Jehovah Witness and figured that if could keep busy going door to door speaking the word of the Bible maybe it would turn him around. Or considered getting him a full time job and telling him enough school so that he could have some real responsibilities. Or buy 6 dogs and make him walk them every day. All, at the same time. As you can see ..I am feeling desperate.

So ya maybe not “letting” him take his Concerta this morning was not such a great parenting decision after all. Hmm… and when I think about it when he did not say goodbye to me in car maybe following him and harassing him in the school courtyard was not helping out too much…….

But I am clearly losing it.

We all get to hope. And I am hoping that this weekend will blow over, and summer will be fun, and exams will end and we will a back get back to a normal level of sanity around here. I am hoping that it won’t take 6 dogs and a new religion to make it all ok.

However as I have watched a number of movies over the last few weeks about teenagers they all seem to be depicted very similarity. Wild, disrespectful, closed in, disconnected. Some more extreme than others of course and happy to not be in that camp/club (yet). But I am analyzing why this stereotype is so prevalent? A stage all have to pass through to get to be a responsible adult? Necessary?

I did not go through that stage at all. But I have also as an adult had to work really hard to where I am at right now and still sometimes wonder if I have reached my destination?.Maybe a good dose of rebellion as a teen is a prerequisite? If I analyze my contacts friends and colleagues those who had a healthy dose of teen hood seemed to have faired better as young adults too…hmmmm..maybe this weekend was a good thing????

(Warning raised colored glassed back on in full gear)

For now I will just keep the faith and hope that “this too shall pass” I am just scared that with three of them passing through these stages it will be a long long time before I can get up on that stage and look you in the eye and tell you that teen hood is just dandy.

However my hope is still own that stage one day and have my hands held by my adult kids and walking husband. To get up there no matter what and share with you…me. To share with you all I can offer up..honestly…and to give you what I feel I am craving…a true dose of reality.

And be a model of success and strength for many during these challenging and turbulent times of teens.

To get up there and do what I have always done best:

Keep telling the truth.

And to keep rolling with the punches and get back up there and begin again.

To keep going. With a pretty smile on my face along the way most days of the week.

(when really what I want to do is smack him out of his coma)

 

Prayers and Thoughts

My prayers go out tonight to the family of a Sec 5 high school student at my sons school that was hit by a train a couple of hours ago and is thankfully still alert and conscious as he was sideswiped by the train vs. fully under itL((

It has been an awful last couple of hours as my middle son was a witness to this and saw this happen and takes the bus home with this student daily. He was asked by the police to be a witness and part of the report.

I am going home now to my son and my two other healthy children and will hug them hard. There is nowhere else I want to be than home right now.

My heart and soul and thoughts go out to the boy who was hurt and his family. I pray that he both survives and thrives.

I also hope my own son's hands stop shaking and the visions of this awful event leave his mind as he struggles with his first true experience of danger and loss away from the comfort of his own familyL((

As I wrote the other day I was at the end of my rope with all the exams and end of year activities I realize that my own rope has a long long way to go and count my blessings for the minor problems that I have in my life right now.

 

Pretty Things

A thought occurred to me today…that has occurred to me many times before but today is was really, really clear.

All the pretty things we have in life mean nothing without health for loved ones. Or health of relationships, or health of marriage. It is all quite useless actually when it comes down to it.

Pretty things can only be enjoyed when we can enjoy them with the people we love to the fullest. There is no meaning in something nice without the feeling of happiness that goes along with it-is there? However it is amazing how many of us put so much love and attention into our things vs. our people? Often deliberately and as a priority. Knowingly knowing that one day it will be the people part we will regret missing and not our things.

I also came to the realization the other day of how fearful I am in my life of losing both things and people. Often they are lumped in the same quadrant because it is often the experience of using and enjoying things or places the loved ones that makes them so wonderful. I realized I live in fear of losing what I have whether that is a dishwasher, a frame, a lipstick, health, my marriage, my children or love. It’s one and the same in so many ways because of the way I use and experience  things and tie them to very important parts of my life.

I wonder where this innate fear comes from? I know where it does. It comes from as a child having a very unwell and unstable Father. The fear that the next day-will never be like the day before. And on some levels hoping it actually isn’t. This uncertainly certainly caused one anxious grown up woman in me as I struggle with this loss issue often especially through periods of stress.

And I realize it prevents me in some ways of loving fully anything. I seem to have a limit of love to a certain degree as much I try to develop this part of myself there is always still that fear. I have high expectations of myself-and loving fully is certainly one of them.

What a piece of work I am.

At least I know it. (and admit it)

 

Sweetie-Pies

I can tell I am really going to love this stage I am at with my daughter. I can feel it in my bones. Man is having a girl fun.

Last night she had 10 friends over for a pool party. “the girls” (4 Bff’s with my sitter afterschool ) and then the others joined in at 6:30-8:30pm when I came home. All the Moms kept comment how "brave" I was to do this… but truly a piece of cake for me. Give me this anyday over cooking a roast or scrubbing some old toys with a sponge.

And they were all just so lovely, and polite, and nice, and smart and funny and outgoing. What a great group.

Very different than our boy pool parties in the past: "Stop running and wrestling!" "Sshhh!!"

We have this party year after year so I get to see them grow and mature. This year in all their little bikinis (vs the one pieces they mostly all wore last year) I was happy to see the self confidence in their figures growing. Even the girls who are not total skinny minies like the bunch of them- in these bikinis- and so proud of their bodies. I love this.

And their confidence, and assertiveness and personalities were truly adorable and sweet. The kept daring ecahother to do things that included saying embarrassing things to my husband and I. Was truly funny.

And I love seeing my daughter flourish. I am so happy where she has landed in her friendships. A natural strong leader  since kindergarten, yet she has toned it down a bit and now although still a big leader seems to share the role more effectively with the other stronger personality girls. She has a lot of friends and is super fun. I love seeing her with her friends-she is so creative and full of fun ideas.

I would have wanted to be her friend in 5^th grade that is certain. The girl never has a dull moment and is full of dances and popsicles and games and jokes and glamour and glitz and drama and laughter. Their new game yesterday was playing Mafia!!!!  Whatever the hell that entails!!

What I really love about my daughter is she attracts friends like bees to flowers. And she doesn’t take the social drama seriously. A great combination. She just is who she is….and goes about life.

This stage full of bikinis, boys, girl conversations and practical jokes is right up my alley. All the girls even came and gave me big hugs when they left and some kisses on both cheeks saying “we had such a great time! It was so much fun-thanks so much for inviting us!” Awww…..

What I selfishly love about my kids life right now that it is fun for me. Total fun. I like the food they eat, the movies they watch, the clothes they wear and the things they talk about. I have enough smarts not to become a friend and keep my healthy distance, but enough spirit in me to join them often in their developing ways and be there for them in a cool mom way.(I hope!)

I think it is important at this age to fit in a bit as a parent but keep the authority and wisdom too (aka explaining to girls that “no 79 lbs is not fat just because all the others weight 73 lbs-and that that is the craziest notion I have ever heard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”)

I hope it all stays this way. I made them each tell us on the video I made that they promise to stay as sweet and wonderful as they are today.

Hmmm.let’s see about that eh?

End of Rope

I seriously hate June.

Until June 21 that is.

When school ends.

I cannot take it anymore. I cannot stand what my kids are put through at this time of year. The amount of stress and finals and pressure and studying. Yup ..at this time of year I seriously reconsider if I am doing the right thing in terms of the schools they attend.

It’s just too much right now. And this stress clouds all the amazing things about the school. They way most days of the year they LOVE it..and they are exposed to so many wonderful and amazing things. The teams, the resources, the values, the trips etc..

At this time of year I forget it all and literally sit her and pray for it all to be over for the summer.

God high school is a different path than primary school. French private it so hard it makes me wants to weep. You could pay me honestly a million dollars and I personally would never pass the subjects.

I have three kids who we have poured education into in many ways and all are very different. One has some learning issues,  less passionate about school but super diligent and committed to his studies and work. He takes it very seriously now.

Another loves the thought of school and is completely and utterly passionate about everything about it. He gets great marks and is super organized, bright and committed.

I have another one who is very organized and takes pride in school. She is totally inconsistent though and this year is coming home with 100% on many tests and 50% on many tests. Can’t figure it out..does not make any sense??? Literally 100% on so many exams and then fails exams in same subject. Not sure she has ever had a 70 or 80 percent this semester!!!!!!

It’s all just too much for me. Thank God I have my husband who takes care of most of the academic stuff in terms of reviewing if they fail and exam etc. I would go crazy if I had to do that and so would the kids.

They lost me in grade 1. Too advanced for me.

So yes you may hear me complain about summer and how unstructured it is, and how the kids are chaotic and running round and not having enough to do. Remind me of this moment ok?

At this point I could not care less about what they do this summer. If they sit all day in front of TV and Facebook I am convinced they deserve it. (I doubt I will remember this part)

Anyways I can’t wait right now for school to be out..the teachers to get their green apples and little wrapped end of year gift of soap..and be on their merry ways.

So my kids can start enjoying life again.

(ok maybe this post is slightly exaggerated but June does this to me)