Friday Nights
There has always been a beauty in Friday nights for our
family and also a complexity (not a hard one just an annoying one).
We want to relax and unwind from the big week we have had
yet want to get up to the cottage too….as Saturday morning sleep ins and waking
up to the sounds of the waves in the lake is pretty sweet too.
I have memories from the kids being little of how sweet
and simple Friday nights were. An ordered pizza and a family movie all cuddled
on the couch. I remember my Swiss colleague in our leadership programs telling
our Associates what a wonderful tradition this was of mine and the fact that it
was deliberate and we always stuck to it impressed him.
He has two young boys and a lovely wife and they do this
now on Friday nights.
We don’t anymore.
And it has nothing to do with lack of wanting too…but it
has to do with the changing times. And the fact that I have to honor the stage
my family is at-and encourage them at this stage to grow beyond only our family
and what feels good for us. This makes me sad.
So now Friday night is often a friend night since the
rest of the weekend is spent at the cottage for us. Friday night they can do
what they want. Sometimes that means home with us. Sometimes they go out with a
friend..often they have a friend to dinner and the evening. Sometimes we are
all together and sometimes we are all apart.
And then we usually drive up to the cottage at 10:00pm
and arrive here at 11:30pm. Which is very very hard. But I find that it allows
my growing children to have a social life and be at the stage they need to be
at. And we take the hit and sacrifice and drive while exhausted to accommodate
this. And we are all happy (in theory)
I was talking to a colleague at work this week about her
16 yr. old and it amazing how two women can view the world so differently. For
her she wants to hold him back from his peer group as long as possible and keep
him young as long as possible (don’t get me wrong I want this too…just don’t think it is the right thing to do). She
said she will do everything and anything to keep him from going through the
normal stages of adolescence (getting angry if his room is not kept the way she
wants it to be, choosing the way he spends his money and what he wears, not
experimenting at all with alcohol, having him participate in a lot of little
kid activities against his desires etc..). Ideally I would love this too….but
my brain tells me it is not the right thing to do. Their adolescence is not
only about me…it is about them..and respecting their process…and their
development. They need to find out who they are right? I can’t control that too
right?
It is filled with them finding their way and me not
prescribing it by this late stage. Of course there is still a strong element of
teaching and guiding but to me at this a lot of individuality also has to occur
for adolescence to really happen and be successful .I alternate between wanting
the kids to be clones of me and my lifestyle and choices and praying that they
are not. Cognitive dissonance at it’s best I guess.
I remember clear as day being 15.5 yrs and man was it a
journey. My journey. My hand was not held every single step of the way and I
had to figure out a whole bunch of things on my own. Resilience was created.
Resileince that today still serves me well.
All that to say Friday nights is now bittersweet. I miss
those times yet love them all as they occur now all wrapped up into one. I love
seeing what my kids choose to do with their precious free time. I love seeing
and witnessing the choices they make.
My absolute favorite part is when they have a friend for
dinner. Our rule on the Friday night or any night for that matter is that when
they have a friend for dinner we all eat together as usual with the friend. I love and adore this. Each Friday there
is often a different friend belonging to one of them and a different mix of
kids who are present or not. At the age they are now it makes for some great conversations
and we can sit for over an hour just all chatting and laughing and discussing.
My parents did this for me and my friends all my life and it was probably one
of my most cherished memories of adolescence.My home was a fun place and a
place where my friends were loved and cherished and respected.
Feeling like my parents were both close by while I had
the big task ahead of me of growing up. That they honored this process while
yet staying very close and connected to me. My parents did a lot of right
things.
It is not easy to watch a child turn into a young adult
in many ways. It takes wisdom and patience and especially grace to watch this
process as a parent.
I loved last night. I loved watching Chase with his buddy
at dinner talk and discuss and debate and share with us. I saw a side of my boy
I don’t always get to see as often anymore. And last Friday it was Bear’s
friend and two weeks before that Beauty’s friend. I love this part of Friday
nights.
And I love driving them to security and safety too by
midnight and having them all under one roof sequestered for the weekend. Even
though weekends are filled with study and exams –we still have our cherished
meals together and special times. The cottage is an amazing place to bond with
kids..I cannot say that enough. As they become teens is gets harder but it is
still there and although changed just as precious.
I can feel it in my bones though. Things are changing.
They are slipping away….things are becoming different than they were before. I
am scared. And helpless..yet also filled with pride that we got here. Together.
In one piece. That I had something to do with it.
That I conducted a lot of this beautiful orchestra. A lot
of the beautiful futures that lie ahead for them. These next number of years
will be harder but I hope one day they still look back with fondness and
understand the energy that went into what we tried to create.
And I am also now
the conductor when the players decide that maybe it it’s not the saxophone or
the trumpet after all that they were destined to play. As they choose and
experiment with different instruments that they never even realized existed.
While they sway to the music that they hear in their own heads and not the
music I have been playing all along.
As they move to their own beats. And perhaps I change
mine as I learn more about theirs?
While we sit and exist..and grow side by side. In the
comfort of our own beat and the solace of the difference in the music of our
minds.
