A thought occurred to me today…that has occurred to me
many times before but today is was really, really clear.
All the pretty things we have in life mean nothing
without health for loved ones. Or health of relationships, or health of
marriage. It is all quite useless actually when it comes down to it.
Pretty things can only be enjoyed when we can enjoy them
with the people we love to the fullest. There is no meaning in something nice
without the feeling of happiness that goes along with it-is there? However it
is amazing how many of us put so much love and attention into our things vs.
our people? Often deliberately and as a priority. Knowingly knowing that one
day it will be the people part we will regret missing and not our things.
I also came to the realization the other day of how
fearful I am in my life of losing both things and people. Often they are lumped
in the same quadrant because it is often the experience of using and enjoying
things or places the loved ones that makes them so wonderful. I realized I live
in fear of losing what I have whether that is a dishwasher, a frame, a lipstick,
health, my marriage, my children or love. It’s one and the same in so many ways
because of the way I use and experience things and tie them to very important parts of my life.
I wonder where this innate fear comes from? I know where it does. It comes from as
a child having a very unwell and unstable Father. The fear that the next
day-will never be like the day before. And on some levels hoping it actually
isn’t. This uncertainly certainly caused one anxious grown up woman in me as I
struggle with this loss issue often especially through periods of stress.
And I realize it prevents me in some ways of loving fully
anything. I seem to have a limit of love to a certain degree as much I try to develop
this part of myself there is always still that fear. I have high expectations
of myself-and loving fully is certainly one of them.
What a piece of work I am.
At least I know it. (and admit it)
