My Secret Garden

 

Before this last year came along (and along with a little dose of hormonal balance meds here and there!!)…I did not fathom the idea in the least of “taking things slowly”..or believing “that things have a way of working themselves out”

Let’s just say I am not the most patient of people. Or give things time to get better. If things are bad I fix them and if they are good I embrace them. Pointe Finale.

Well since about a year ago that has just not been very possible in my life. Some of the situations presenting themselves were just not black and white but many shades of grey (wish I could say in the interesting way that the trilogy was but not in that grey way at all)

I have been one big blob of grey matter in the last year or two-and trying to embrace ambiguity, change, not clearly knowing etc. I would say Buddhist elements to this type of thinking that serve me well. Thank god this smiling Buddha dance and grey matter have not taken over my life..not even close. I am still fully functioning and organized and strategic-but elements of this come through in almost all areas of my life. Little bits.

I wonder what flavor shower gel represents this Buddha Zen side? Teacher of Beauty..if you figure it out pls buy me one along with yours at the pharmacy? Maybe just a plain and simple soapy clean bar of soap liked you used to use before I converted you to my magical showergel world?

Creativie, strategic, racing brain, long term thinker with a little splash of calm, happiness, belief and instinct mixed in. I will order that!

So no things have not been simple around here. Not in the least. Not even close to the least lately. But all in all I can’t complain. And even if I whine and complain your ear off-there is still that part of me who rather likes laundry and folding. That part that gets to be so very grateful for my amazing Mom who is being really flexible and pitching in and helping me too…happy to see my kids as slaves and laborers and how tired they are from physical work…but also how proud they are. See they get to be proud..and so do I. A nice little fringed and secret benefit.

Fights with my husband lately have been tough. 16 and 17 yrs have been a really challenge for us. A real challenge. But we are still here ..together..and that says a lot. It says a lot about us in a world where often it is easier to give up than to keep on struggling and coming out winning. I hope we can get through some of the issues we are facing and that they will make us stronger. For that I am positive. I need to have lots of hope.

And my children…are quite simply beautiful. 2.5 weeks left of summer before school starts again and I am not even sick of them at all! It’s a miracle. They are good kids..they have friends over lots, lots of free time, lots of unstructured time, they are just good. And we are blessed. And we buy many many frozen pizzas and lots of quarts of milk for their hungry friends-and we are broke now. But that is ok too. I love feeding hungry teens for some off reason. They all know it.

The kids have also had some major stuff going on but they talk to us and are honest about these issues-and use our brains to help them find their way. That are turning into the kinds of kids I wanted to grow. That I had planned to grow. Sure a bunch of fights, and rudeness and lack of respect sometimes mixed in. So what eh? They are good good kids and I love them. Each time I look at them I feel pride. That says something right?

Life lately feels like growing a garden. A slow process with many days of abundant and warm rain and other days of crisp sunshine that dries out the flowers. Sometimes many many weeds to pull out and sometimes just beautiful pink roses to stop and admire. Sometimes lush and sometimes dying. But growing it is my garden. With careful consideration. And some big tears mixed in there for some extra nourishment.

And next maybe a smiling little Buddha will be placed in that garden? (hint hint daughter or mother for my birthday). Just so that I can remember that..yes sometimes things do have a way of working themselves out. Yes sometimes they certainly do. I have never wanted a Buddha and now I do. A little smiling one like Beauty and I saw at the spa.

Sit back and let it all play out baby (I am talking to myself).

 

 

Healthy and Pink

One of my closest friends at work gave birth yesterday to a healthy baby girl. Healthy!!!!!!!!  And Pink.

I was consumed all weekend with sending my buddy good healthy baby vibes as in the last year she has gone through a lot. I am tickled pink that her baby girl is finally here safely in her Mommy’s arms where she belongs.

I was going to write about my rude return to reality, the mess of a house after a three week vacation, the 1000 emails I have to return today for work..

But none of it matters in the wake of a beautiful miracle.

Congratulations and massive happiness goes out to a girl who deserves so much these beautiful moments of bliss with her baby.

I admire this woman so much both personally and professionally. She knows what she wants ..and she goes for it. Always.

The only problem now is that her new baby girl gets her at home for the next year instead of me at work!!! (the story of my life I tell you….)

 

xoxoxoxooxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoox

Starlight Starbright

Last night for our last vacation night at the cottage-we all five got in the Jacuzzi around 11:30pm. We turned off every outside and inside light and just stared up at the sky.

Chase was in particular impressed by the starry bright night (which was impressive in itself as takes a lot to impress him lately!) He kept saying “It has been so many years that I have not looked up at stars…I forgot about stars…they are so cool!” He kept repeating this over and over and it melted my heart to hear this childhood innocence coming out of him. So uncontrolled, so pure..so true.

Things he says like that touch me a lot. I am very attuned to when he notices something and verbalizes it. It is usually not his way.

He lay in the Jacuzzi and stared up at the sky. Then sat on my lap with his head on my shoulder and let me hold him. He had comments for every star.

Then he started noticing the shooting stars and made wishes. He was super impressed by them too and could not stop talking about them. Asking me if wishes really do come true on them? If they are shooting they must right? What if they don’t come true? What does that mean?

I explained that for me-just to keep safe I keep my wishes pretty vague and broad. A bit like many people I know who pray same thing. Not too specific as then you tend to lose faith. Instead of “I hope this girl says yes to see me Friday night” wish “I hope a girl I like likes me back” Keep your wishing and praying bases covered for maximum effect.

Then Chase said something that I will remember forever. When you have a kid that struggles certain things imprint themselves on you forever.

“Guys…with ADD I get to see all the shooting stars at the same time. All of them. I see the entire sky at once and I don’t’ miss a single thing. If any of you want me to wish for you on a shooting stars up there let me know..as ADD allows me to see them all where you all can probably only see one at a time”

Trust me Chase..at that moment. I knew you would be perfectly ok for the rest of your life. Self assured. Confident. Resilient.

In combination with the documentary we watched last night about homeschooling and kids that shared their parents bed at 8 yrs. old every night for comfort. Just in case they felt scared in the night or felt it was too hard at school when other kids were mean so the parents decided to keep them at home (and in their beds!) Chase turned to me and said “but isn’t part of growing up learning to be sad or scared sometimes? Learning that you are strong enough to get through it? Learning that you are capable? Whenever I am sad or scared ..I learn the most. Right Mom? Why don’t the parents sleep with them some nights and have them sleep on their own others so they get comfort and learn to grow at the same time?

These two statements of Chase last night…made me feel that something along the way of life that I have said or done has made a difference. Something I knew he felt strongly enough about to pass down to his own kids one day. Something that I know will help his kids if they struggle themselves in areas of their own lives

And for a parent. This parent anyways-there is no greater gift than hearing your strongest values echoed in your child’s voices and views.

Starlight Starbright and shooting stars-thanks for making my deepest wishes come true.

Guilty as Charged

We tried to protect them. Really we did.

We did our best to keep them from evil. Near safety.

For the longest time we made sure they led a normal life. Had rules. Were human.

We didn’t mean for it to happen.

It crept up slowly.

Sometimes we suspect it is genetic.

I think we can’t help ourselves.

They model after us after all . They are our children

We try to set a good example most of the year.

This vacation seemed to break them.

We seemed to break them.

They stooped as low as us and raised as high

They joined our private cult

They took on our dark sides

Our vacations selves they became. The temptation was just too strong

We all have summer selves now

Now they:

Sleep in their clothes too

eat lunch at 3:30pm

9:30pm is considered an earlier dinner. 10pm average. 10:30pm a tad late

The day starts around 1:15 pm often

Stay up until 1pm most nights and fall into bed

Rain is seen not as a time to clean but to read and relax and watch movies

Sequester themselves from life and wear hoodies three sizes to small

Forget to take showers for 2 weeks

Hang out in Jacuzzis a whole awful lot

Don’t speak on the phone unless absolutely necessary

Don’t want to think of any type of reality. Plainly ignore as much as possible

Putting on a lifejacket is  considered exercise

Blast music very,very loudly

Wrap hundreds of blankets on them at night sitting out on the porch

Light candles with the pleasure of a pyromaniacs

Sleep on the sleeping dock with their friends (aka “sleepless nights dock”)

Spread Nutella thickly on bread in the morning

Drive boats in the rain to do an errand as we don’t do cars up here

 

They are hedonists. Just like their parents. They have become us

And then they go back to normal life when it is said and done until the next vacation..the next weekend…the next pleasure.

They are our cottage children to the core.

We have guilt-but deep down we are deeply proud.

Monsters of country pleasures.

Ahhh….

Bad Quality I Phone Pics But Great Summer Memories

20 min drive home from camp-total exhaustion at 10am

brothers hate girls in hats so of course she rocked it!

they did 7 loads of laundry on vacation and now will each do their own at home!!!

My teen guy:)))

jetski rental for 2 hrs. Kids were thrilled!

Beauty and my first spa together

friends over and puzzles

cliff jumping a serious addiction

my guy:))

my girl:))

my babies:) compare to pic at top of blog ribbon 2 yrs ago in same position!!!

Imagination

 It’s funny about creativity. In the last years I have had many people call me extremely creative. I never thought of myself in this way. Much at all. Besides some out of the box thinking and some creative brainstorming I do not associate this word with myself.

But it has been said of me many a time.

The last incident was in a 5 day leadership course I took in Boston. The first day all 30 participants have to choose one adjective to describe you on a piece of paper based on very first impressions and as you walked in the room and introduced yourself. After 5 days they had to choose one word as they knew you more deeply as a deep and personal course.

1^st day  two adjectives for me? Self assured.  Intelligent.

2^nd day two adjectives for me? Creative . Emotionally Intelligent

At work and on performance appraisals it is always “out of box thinker, creative, innovative.I doubt my friends and family would describe me in these ways at all

But I think there is truth to it-I have a whole lot of creativity locked up inside of me waiting to flow. There never seems time enough for this expression. Never time for this part to fully emerge.

A few months ago I was looking at poems I had written and photographs I have taken. The poems very..Poetic I guess and the pictures very creative. Not my standards close ups of my kids…which can be really good. But flowers in the rain….a cup of tea..a half opened beer…a vodka martini with the olives….a storm brewing. Underwear hanging on the clothesline. A phone about to ring. Beautiful  imagery actually. I impressed myself.

And imagery and words has a deep effect on me when combined in the proper way. I read quite a few blogs now and I realize what really touches me: Imagery with words. Give it music and I am often brought to tears.

Katrina Kenison’s blog always starts with a picture and it is rarely a picture of a person but a symbol of her expression. Versus a blog I read today of a million trillion pictures of a boy playing volleyball and I lose interest in the pics almost instantaneously. Symbolism appeals to me . A whole lot. In the same box also found many videos I made to music. And beautiful letters I had written people never sent.

A box in the basement on a high shelf marked “Creativity”-doesn’t count for much does it?

So why don’t I use it more? Allow that private creative outlet into the public sphere? I honestly don’t know…because I have tons of it in me. Combining music and photos and words…but for some reason have not accessed it in myself fully. When reading Katrina’s blog it inspired me to keep my eyes more open in the world and photograph different forms of beauty…or put the beauty or words to music.

Why is it that at this stage of life stuff like doing laundry, making beds, gardening, photographs, writing, are coming to the surface more? And it seems to be the case for everyone over 40 I know!!! (along with irregular periods and less interest in sex!!!!)

Gosh if Only I were retired!! I would have so much time for this stuff and energy. (and would probably bore myself to tears)

Why is this? Couldn’t we have had these “hobbies” when we had more time. Like in highschool? I don’t have time for hobbies now!

Anyways I liked the word “creative” being linked to me by so many people. It is especially prevalent in my professional life. It’s a compliment..and an area of myself I need to explore more.

If I wasn’t so lazy I would sort through my box and add a nice picture I took last Fall to this blog. That being said I can’t get off my lazy ass and find the time!

Living Alongside Friends

This expression (which I made up) occurred to me in three forms this week.

The first was a very close friend son’s had emergency appendix surgery this week (same as Bear had last year) and it was very traumatic and hectic for their family-which I can relate to a ton. Until you have had a kid being wheeled out to emergency surgery , you can never imagine how this feels. It destabilizes you and your life and haunts you for a long time afterwards. It stays in your nightmares for a looong time.

My friend happened to have an out of town friend staying with her for the week with her own children. A girl visit. The day her friend got there things started to go downhill and her son was admitted the next day. He stayed in  the hospital for 6 days. She surprised me by saying her friend stayed in town and basically took over her house and her three other kids and also just relaxed and read and enjoyed the house without her. She visited the hospital and stayed with them as planned. She lived every minute of that crazy hectic week with them. She barely saw her friend. She said she was tense that week so fought with her husband in front of her friend, sold a boat, bought a boat, and cried and awful lot about her son and her worry over him.

This shocked me as how can you have a friend staying with you when you are in crisis? When your son is in the hospital and you are  back and forth and you are napping every second you come home from exhaustion? How can this be?

She said that she is a close enough friend that she just lived her life with her. And that was her life at that point.

Interesting…very very interesting. A) I cannot imagine wanting a friend over during these times B) I could never imagine myself imposing on a friend to take over my house..ever.  Would feel huge guilt. I can barely ask a friend to listen to me whine for 10 minutes!!!

And both of these things above are wrong.  I admire my friend for the way she lives her life alongside her friends. I really do. She has a village that is certain as I bet she would do this with most of her friends. It’s strange to me..and admirable both at the same time. I share that part with my husband..my mother (and even that can be hard for me sometimes) … and this friend shares it with her friends.

Another conversation this week made me think about living along side friends. One of my longest /closest friends since grade 4 told me a few years ago feedback that was important to hear: “You never let us in when you are facing a tough situation. Through the actual process. You solve it and then update us” She was right. Right on.

I adore this type of feedback. Love it. I love becoming more self-aware because of the awareness of how others see and experience  me. I get to grow.

It took me years to change this and I think I have come a long way. Not fully there yet , but far far ahead of where I was. This week have confronted an extremely difficult family situation and have already let a couple of my close friends into my heart..when I literally have no clue what to do or where to turn. Making them part of my process. Helping me along. Bringing them into the fog with me. So foreign for me.

Living along side my friends.

Letting them in.

And then today having a discussion with a friend (over text and messages but still a discussion) about something we saw and experienced differently.It was conflictual to a certain degree. We both compared it to a marriage where you feel so valued and bonded that for the sake of the closeness you would not hold something in that is important to your friendship. Again it felt like living alongside my friend..through the great moments, the not so great moments…all of it adding up to beautiful. Honesty in friendship is key for me-not being afraid to give and receive feedback.

 

I have a couple of people in my life who often say  when it comes to advice/perspective on life  "Not sure if I am ready"...many others in my life who say "Bring it on!" I personally always fall into the bring it on category. If I am telling you in particular about a certain aspect of my life it its because I want to hear your unique  perspectives and input...always. It is priceless and so valuable to me and I want to hear it no matter how anxious it makes me feel.It is the cornerstone of friendship for me,

This friendship thing is a dance like all relationships. Getting the steps right for that particular waltz or salsa. Getting the dance right for your uniqueness together. Hard but essential. Sweet love makes my heart full of love and tough love (with the intention of caring) makes me grow.

I always want to grow. There is so much life still waiting to be lived.

So although I doubt I will be inviting any of my friends anytime soon to any surgeries of my kids (knock on wood already had to go through this 4 times!! Enough!)…..I am living along side them in different ways.

Accompanying them in their ambiguity. Letting them see my distress. Showing up in different ways that I used to do. Improving myself in ways in of which I was unaware.

I remember about 5 years ago on my birthday cake one of my wishes was to “have more and deeper friendships”. I had good and solid friendships at the time but I wanted to take good to great. I am there now. Each of my friends so unique and providing me with something completely different. Deep..deep.

Wish. Wish again.

Living alongside friends feels…….really really good.

It’s a different way of being for me. And I like it one hell of a lot.