This expression (which I made up) occurred to me in three
forms this week.
The first was a very close friend son’s had emergency
appendix surgery this week (same as Bear had last year) and it was very
traumatic and hectic for their family-which I can relate to a ton. Until you
have had a kid being wheeled out to emergency surgery , you can never imagine
how this feels. It destabilizes you and your life and haunts you for a long
time afterwards. It stays in your nightmares for a looong time.
My friend happened to have an out of town friend staying
with her for the week with her own children. A girl visit. The day her friend
got there things started to go downhill and her son was admitted the next day.
He stayed in the hospital for 6 days.
She surprised me by saying her friend stayed in town and basically took over
her house and her three other kids and also just relaxed and read and enjoyed
the house without her. She visited the hospital and stayed with them as
planned. She lived every minute of that crazy hectic week with them. She barely
saw her friend. She said she was tense that week so fought with her husband in
front of her friend, sold a boat, bought a boat, and cried and awful lot about
her son and her worry over him.
This shocked me as how can you have a friend staying with
you when you are in crisis? When your son is in the hospital and you are back and forth and you are napping every
second you come home from exhaustion? How can this be?
She said that she is a close enough friend that she just
lived her life with her. And that was her
life at that point.
Interesting…very very interesting. A) I cannot imagine
wanting a friend over during these times B) I could never imagine myself imposing
on a friend to take over my house..ever.
Would feel huge guilt. I can barely ask a friend to listen to me whine
for 10 minutes!!!
And both of these things above are wrong. I admire my friend for the way she lives
her life alongside her friends. I really do. She has a village that is certain
as I bet she would do this with most of her friends. It’s strange to me..and
admirable both at the same time. I share that part with my husband..my mother
(and even that can be hard for me sometimes) … and this friend shares it with her
friends.
Another conversation this week made me think about living
along side friends. One of my longest /closest friends since grade 4 told me a
few years ago feedback that was important to hear: “You never let us in when
you are facing a tough situation. Through the actual process. You solve it and
then update us” She was right. Right on.
I adore this type of feedback. Love it. I love becoming
more self-aware because of the awareness of how others see and experience me. I get to grow.
It took me years to change this and I think I have come a
long way. Not fully there yet , but far far ahead of where I was. This week
have confronted an extremely difficult family situation and have already let a
couple of my close friends into my heart..when I literally have no clue what to
do or where to turn. Making them part of my process. Helping me along. Bringing
them into the fog with me. So foreign for me.
Living
along side my friends.
Letting them in.
And then today having a discussion with a friend (over
text and messages but still a discussion) about something we saw and
experienced differently.It was conflictual to a certain degree. We both
compared it to a marriage where you feel so valued and bonded that for the sake
of the closeness you would not hold something in that is important to your
friendship. Again it felt like living alongside my friend..through the great
moments, the not so great moments…all of it adding up to beautiful. Honesty in
friendship is key for me-not being afraid to give and receive feedback.
I have a couple of people in my life who often say when it comes to advice/perspective on life "Not sure if I am ready"...many others in my life who say "Bring it on!" I personally always fall into the bring it on category. If I am telling you in particular about a certain aspect of my life it its because I want to hear your unique perspectives and input...always. It is priceless and so valuable to me and I want to hear it no matter how anxious it makes me feel.It is the cornerstone of friendship for me,
This friendship thing is a dance like all relationships.
Getting the steps right for that particular waltz or salsa. Getting the dance
right for your uniqueness together. Hard but essential. Sweet love makes my
heart full of love and tough love (with the intention of caring) makes me grow.
I
always want to grow. There is so much life still waiting to be lived.
So although I doubt I will be inviting any of my friends
anytime soon to any surgeries of my kids (knock on wood already had to go
through this 4 times!! Enough!)…..I am living along side them in different
ways.
Accompanying them in their ambiguity. Letting them see my
distress. Showing up in different ways that I used to do. Improving myself in
ways in of which I was unaware.
I remember about 5 years ago on my birthday cake one of
my wishes was to “have more and deeper friendships”. I had good and solid friendships
at the time but I wanted to take good to great. I am there now. Each of my
friends so unique and providing me with something completely different.
Deep..deep.
Wish. Wish again.
Living alongside friends feels…….really really good.
It’s a different way of being for me. And I like it one
hell of a lot.
