Coming into Focus

A year ago today is when Hubby and I got the call from Chase. We were on vacation here in Turks like every November:

“We need to talk when you get home Mom and Dad. I think I need to be accessed for ADD.”

6 weeks later he was diagnosed. (we paid privately to speed up the process) On the higher spectrum too which was shocking to us. Fast forward 4 months later and he was on Concerta. All of it was heart wrenching and anxiety provoking and difficult. The guilt in not realizing, the worry for the meds, understanding the impact etc. Figuring it all out. It is never easy to put a child on a medication; one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make.

Fast forward a year tonight and here we are. Chase got his report art last week and has upped his average by 8 percent this semester!!! Not a single bad comment from a teacher on behaviour or academics. No parent teacher meeting requests! He was placed in advance math this year (short of a miracle for a kid who scraped by for years in math) and he was equal to the class average. At an elite school like this-being anything close to the class average is a blessing.

And the focus and confidence academically are night and day.

Words cannot articulate the pride we feel in him. And not because the grades have gone up (because this semester they did but other semesters they may not) the pride comes from:

His pure determination. His willingness to work hard for stuff that does not come as naturally to him in some areas. His ability to take control of his learning issues and face them directly. To ask for help and accept the help he is offered. To feel proud of whom he is exactly the way he is. To not feel like ADD gets him down at all-but to work with it and battle it and live with it. His attitude towards all of this is simply amazing. We are totally impressed.

To understand so young that determination and hard work when it comes to school are everything. Attitude and perseverance is everything and can go a long way in life. It is finally all soaking in. Awww…..

People thought we were crazy last year when he got put in advanced math this year and we accepted the spot (he was close to last on the list but still made it) but my instincts told me to go for it even though it is this year that qualifies for CEGEP. My belief in his capability told me he needed to go for it. And we did. It was probably the best decision we made as a family in a long time. I have never seen a kid more proud about telling people that he was put in the advanced math stream. Brag child brag..you so deserve it. Getting Chases’s report card on our trip was amazing. Seeing his average at what it is was amazing.

But nothing-nothing at all compares to the feeling of seeing his pride of himself. His own pride far surpasses anything we feel and this to me is everything we hoped for.

And the best part is that if his marks has been lower or higher or the same-for the first year in our lives…whatever the outcome had been….we knew he could and would handle it. Chase is well on his way into growing up into an independent and totally capable young man.

Conerta has brought him into focus. One day I quill write the book and dedicate it to him:

 

Love, Me (and ADHD)

A Mother’s Journey of bringing her Son’s Sparkle into Focus

There are soo many books to write!!! Maybe I can live on a beach like this and do this full time one dayJ))

I remember my professional mentor telling me (I rely on this guy as one of the smartest people I know) He rarely handed out advice and made me find my own solutions but there was one thing he was very very clear on:

Your prime focus in the next years Tarina should be to get all three kids through high school. The best highschool that you can possibly afford. And to get the highest grades they can possibly get. And the best and most well-rounded education they can possibly have. This is your most important role as a parent. Get them through it the very best you can. Everything else needs to come secondary until you have done it.

Funny. His advice plays through my mind over and over and over. It is advice that I will never forget.  Was so unusual and strong coming from a guy who never dishes out any type of advice? It will always stay with me and I will do everything I can to follow it. Whatever comes up for me in life…this wise man’s advice comes popping in my head. And CEGEP and University are just as important to me but by then the three kids will hopefully have the ability to make it as important to them as it is to me.

 

 

 

Everything Invisible

Today we went for a super long walk for miles and miles on the beach. It was a cloudy rainy day like it has been the last three days and we decided a perfect day to walk to the tip of the island.  We have done this every year in Turks at one point.. Taken the long trek to both tips of the island…and there we have a special ritual.

We make wishes. And they always come true.  (don't all wishes that we totally focus on?)We reach the tip and gather a bunch of rocks and shells and say aloud our wishes. Not random wishes either. One wish for health of the ones we love which is the most important one. Then one wish for the kids. One with for our partner (each other!) one wish for ourselves. And then one secret wish for each of us. All wishes are spoken aloud and a rock thrown in specifically for the wish. The secret wish is silent (today we both admitted that we were thankful the other was not a mind readerJ

It is a beautiful ritual and makes us feel hopeful and powerful and have faith.

And it is invisible I realized like so many other things in our lives.

My Protector and I have many ways and have so many things we do that are just between us-like this ritual. We don’t speak of this stuff…to others. To our kids to other people. Lots of stuff that is ours. Two years ago when Bear did not have his spot in the sports program bc of surgery Hubby ran to both tips of the island twice and made special wishes for Bear-but we never told Bear. Sometimes we will have these really cool conversations our lives and our kids but we don’t share them with our kids. I guess most people are like this-but for some reason this ritual made me ponder this more. People who share about their lives a lot and people who don’t as much.

 Thank goodness for family night as it reminds us to share more. It provides that forum for us to remember to share all this good stuff. This blog is that for me too…before this all this stuff just stayed in my head. Now I am more conscious to share more often and reap the benefits of sharing too.

It’s funny- out of most people I am close to I share the least about my life in many ways (what worries me…what we do as a family….my work…details about our daily lives….etc..) Most people I know share a whole lot more which I adore hearing. This blog changed a lot of this for me and also my development towards being more vulnerable and supportable by others. The ability to receive is a skill that I have been working on.

The wishes are so different this year .Gone seem the days were I would wish I was “more like this..”or more like that”. I know now that all of it is perfectly within my reach.

I realized that the man beside me throwing wishing rocks in the ocean………..is also entering a whole new phase with me. He too. Me too. Together. Us. Our wishes this year had a very very distinct and different flavor. We are growing up. We have evolved. As people and a as couple too.

The tip of the beaches in Turks and Caicos will always be a magical place for us. It did not disappoint today that is certain. As we walked back in the rain and the clouds and the wind slapping our hair and faces I realized that just like this long walk how far we have come.

We stopped to eat at the gorgeous somewhere café that Savvy recommended and we delved into the yummy tacos and margaritas and salad-so tired and exhausted by our walk. And it was then and there that I realized that these things we wished for our kids….we things that we ourselves are just uncovering in certain ways. We have reached a new level of life really. What has taken us so long?

But life is long and the process of learning is forever. There is no right and wrong and there is no finish line to cross.

Writing. Wishing. Being.

Becoming visible to ourselves, others and to our lives.

Often thinking and feeling: where have you been all of my life?

 

Predictability

Yesterday was Vulnerability and today is Predictability (or Unpredictability actually).

Super early this morning the fire alarm goes off in our building of hotel. Like the dogs were not enough drama for me! So we race out of bed as nothing scarier than a hotel fire right? I decide I have one minute to take what is essential so I start barking out orders to Hubby and running around myself:

Take Passports!!!! (Not so much bc I want to get home but because I want to travel again!!)

Take Money!!! (Money always comes in handy right? Especially if I want to come back here)

Where is my agenda!!!! (Aka known as my life!)

Both phones!!!! (Never know when you might get a text about your kid’s report cards!)

Computer and charger!!! (All I keep thinking is that the book I am writing is on there-8 chapters and a year later that makes a big difference!!!!)

 

Then I grabbed a robe and threw it over my see- through tank lace top and tiny sleeping boxers. No bra. No shoes…no clothes..no sunglasses… no bathingsuit or underwear. No books!!

Hubby had other priorities:

Go and get coffee from machine?????????? Bring coffee down to poolside???

Get floating mat and magazines and while we are down there get our chairs set up for day????????

OMG!!!!!!!!!!

But I can’t talk. I was so tired I just lay down on a pool chair and pretty much fell asleep. I didn’t even bother to ask about the fire. Then I realized my wedding rings were upstairs and I still decided to sleep! What the hell is wrong with me??????????????

And there is Hubby with his café and floater mat just walking around the resort.

Someone apparently overcooked something in there room and lots of smoke but no fire. Nice way to relax on vacation eh getting woken up by a huge siren before the birds are up?

Was so funny because all the woman coming out of room were saying “I only had a minute to brush my hair and teeth-it was horrendous!” You care more about your hair than your agenda and lists? Are you crazy?

Another guy went back up to get his snorkelling equipment and said he didn’t care about his passports? Guess he wants to live here.

Just shows we all have different priorities in life eh? Makes the world go round this diversity it does. There is something for everyone and someone to love every odd bird.

All I know is that between Hubby relaxation mode and my organization and lists-we got it covered baby.  Hahahah. And clearly we both rely upon our “natural beauty” (or lack of it!) in these urgent situations. We both don’t give a flying…F…what we look at this time of day (or any time of day on vacation that is!) Last night we went out to dinner and timed ourselves and took 3.5 minutes to get ready for a fancy resto!

Our priority will always be pleasure. Hedonists I guess.

Let me tell you we know how to do vacation. Really really well.

 

Vulnerabity

I have felt emotional  vulnerability many a time in my life. Whether is was from a fight my hubby and I had, my son starting Concerta, a friend moving away,  a child being rolled off into surgery, troubles at work or a conflict with a BFF. It is not a feeling foreign to me.

Physical vulnerability I have felt less so. A few times that stand out in my mind but far from often. Birth hardly without an epidural, the anesthesia of surgery, back/neck problems that are chronic and reoccurring, etc..

Today I felt really really physically vulnerable.

Hubby and I headed out to a very secluded part of the beach. We have the car that we give back tomorrow so we decided to drive to it and then walk from there. All there is  miles and miles of gorgeous, breathtaking and calm waters. Massive and set back estate properties. Hardly a soul in sight. After walking a mile or so a boat passed with three local men in it. All the sudden my heart quickened a beat and I felt vulnerable. What if they approached us and came near us and attacked us? No one would very know-I felt exposed. On the boat went and the feeling passed.

Another half mile along-I sensed danger all of a sudden. The feeling came back. This time it was not men but two guard dogs heading right towards us and barking. They would not stop and I realized we were cornered. It was so so scary. We headed into the water but had a backpack with all our cards and phone etc. in it so did not go to deep. The dogs kept at us and kept circling us and  barking and barking. All the sudden I had these horrible images of dying this way and being attacked by dogs. Of one chewing me up and my husband having to watch or worse them chewing him up and be having to watch. I realized that we were trapped and there was no one around. We would have to walk miles in this water to get away as the dogs would follow. I had memory flashes of being chased by a Doberman dog at my godparent’s house as a child and the fear that accompanied it. (ok Caro6 stop laughing now ok???)

Finally by some miracle they left. I tried to remember every passage I have read in any book about animals and realized that ignoring them was best. I felt a full on panic attack coming on and so this was hard with tears streaming down my face to pretend all was normal. And I was angry at my husband for taking us there and for me agreeing. He is my compass and I just listen to whatever he tells me with stuff like this. Not good.

So they left and so did we and headed back.

That situation scared me to bits and made me realize how life can change in an instant. By something as stupid as heading out to see a secluded beach

Safely conscious Chase would not have been proud of his parents. Far from it.

Back at the condo now and safe and sound. Tomorrow going to stick to what we know: Sailing, reading and sleeping.

Underneath

Whenever we snorkel down south I am always amazed at the world underwater that exists. It always gives me a sense of that there is so much that goes on below and above the world for which we are mainly unaware. A whole new perspective than on land.

I remember utterly having this feeling when we first took our boat out on the big lake near our home. That our whole community all the sudden seen from a completely different view and perspective. There was a world beyond the one we saw everyday right outside our door it seemed.

Snorkelling is always a wonderful feeling for me and today did not disappoint. We went on an excursion with Pop and Licky and had a blast. It kinda felt like Spring break for old people! We were all singing with the music  high and diving and jumping off the top of the boat. Was super cool. My husband gets into these things a lot more than I do too so is fun (and weird!) to see this side of him emerge. I become an introvert and he the extrovert at stuff like this…..it’s always interesting for me to see this side of him. I am always left a bit in awe.

I love the lightness of snorkelling and how light and airy my body feels doing it. Brings me back to my teenage years when I felt my body was a machine. Capable of anything. Strong-light and muscular. When I snorkel I feel so light and petite and weightless. I think of my daughter and how good it must feel to be so powerful and athletic and  slim and young. To be a feather dancing in the wind. Aww ..the good old days! And living through my daughter to recapture some of this youth too (now I sound really old!() (Good thing today is three people on the boat couple not believe I had three teens –they thought I was much youngerJ)) Must have had something to do with my tan and sparkly headbands down here. Whenever I am not dressed up and have no makeup people think I am younger-got to try this look at work!

Anyways it was a great excursion. At one point everyone was snorkelling and then started pointing my way and swimming towards me. I look down underwater with my mask and my bikini tip was falling off and I had a half exposed boob! I could not believe how rude these people were making such a spectacle of this!!! Until I realised that there was a big barracuda behind me and that my boob was of little interest!!!!! This was soooooo funny. I silently laughed about it for hours in my head. And I totally started screaming about the Baracuda and asking my husband why the F….. people were swimming towards it and not away from it!

I love seeing all the starfish and zebra fish and colorful tropical fish. Makes me anticipate the fish we will buy Beauty when we are back. Her first pet. Ok ..stop laughing now ok? We have to start somewhere and this is where is begins..with a little fish.

We also excitedly called home tonight and loved taking to the kids and my Mom for over 40 minutes since long distance is free here. May sound weird to many but we purposefully don’t call home for the first 6 days. We have done this in the past 5 yrs. It is good for us to completely disconnec for the first week, but in our opinion even better for the kids. Allow them to fully be present in the amazing experiences they have with my Mom during this time. To do it a different way and emerge themselves in that experience. Get out of our normal routine and do some serious bonding with their beloved Didi.

And experience another world. Like the one we did today snorkelling.

I love the grandparent role. In the book I am reading about marriage and families having very involved grandparents is also another success factor of marriage. I totally agree. My mom has totally enhanced ours..and also the lives of our children. They are home with her now and have their routine going. A movie every night together…special dinners. Special treats. I love this. The kids said she is great entertainment. I miss living with my Mommy-she is the absolute best. Sometimes I wish I were a kid again…it was so fun to be me and her.

And I am soooo the type of person that does not interfere when she watches the kids. She does it her way and I adore this. There are no rules imposed of what to do and how to do it. Watch what you wisho wish-stay up as late as works for you, eat what you want. Do it your way and this is what the kids treasure. I remember when my Grampa was alive he would swear and say “Jesus Chrust!” all the time in front of the kids. I did not try to correct this for the sake of my young children…I embraced this accepted this side of him (along with all his soft sides too) and to this day when we think of him we all shout out “Jesus Christ!” Grandparents to me are the biggest gift on earth. I can only hope that we are half the grandparents my Mom is and that my Grampy was. Beautiful beautiful people. And Hubby’s Dad too….telling our kids how to eat and sit and act. Love it all.

The fish world underneath the sea made me realise how much we don’t see in life. How much there is to learn. How the world of others are often unexposed to us. A word…a question. A behavior may have so much more underneath than what we see at face value. Get curious. Ask questions. Seek to understand before being understood. There is so much there to uncover. Put your mask and breathing tube on and ….dive..far far down.

Man is this world plentiful isn’t it.

I feel like a million bucks right now having spoken to our three children. All sounded happy, safe, and well. My Mom said they were all healthy and helpful and at ease. So are we. And each had such a great conversation with us-I miss them-I miss hanging out with them. Can’t wait to get home and watch “We are the Millers” with them. Bought it here and it is soooooooo funny (bit too volatile probably for a PG but still too funny to miss). I loved how Chase is so proud of his marks (OMG something amazing is happening to him this semester-can’t wait to post more about it) And Bear asking us about our trip in detail and Beauty just being sweet Beauty.

I love it here and I love it back home. Life is very good and I feel blessed

And I am comforted to know that beneath and above this world that I love is even more to discover.

That any time I want to dive deeper the world is my oyster.

 

 

 

Now I Get It...

I always have topics that I read about on vacation. Usually half fiction books and then other topics that I find interesting and “hot” that year. For many years it has been parenting books and business books.

This trip it is marriage books.  I choose three books on this topic that I thouroughly researched that are supposed to be the best out there. They all seem to have very common threads in terms of what makes a marriage last and what makes it work. I love how it was articulated.

In terms of marriage all three books suggest that year two to seven yrs. of marriage is how long infatuation lasts. Most couples 2-3 yrs are infatuated with each other on some level. For some this ends there and for some this lasts up until 7 yrs. (hence the term coined the 7 yr itch). The line I loved was “ the day you wake up to you partner and have some doubts about if she or he is the guy or girl for you-is the day your real marriage begins”

Love love love this. It is so true.

We don’t necessarily grow in infatuation. We don’t grow our partner or ourselves. It is an amazing phase and one we all covet to all feel again-but it is usually an uncritical phase- so passing through it can be easier than other phases of marriage can be in many ways..

In the two books they describe that many people in marriage do not ever roll over and doubt the partner they are with…it is repressed…or harder feelings are put aside-but they do show up at one point eventually and often are so strong they destroy a marriage as they were not dealt with along the way.  They talk about the true test of marriage being when things are not going as well vs. when things are running very smoothly. A combination of both is when the true test begins. And that by overcoming it as a team is when much deeper levels of love are reached.

Marriage is compared to stages of growing up. Infancy-childhood-adolescence. To grow up into a successful adult you cannot skip one stage-you have to go through them all-and encompass the various stages of all-and not just skip over the harder stuff. If you don’t live through them all you come back to them at various inappropriate times of your life (during marriage, parenthood etc.). and often dysfunction is lived . Stages of marriage are also compared to the grief stages…you have to live them all..if you don’t you come back to them at one point. Marriage has phases to pass through and we have to allow ourselves to go through them.

If I look at my own marriage I can relate to this for sure. Up until 10 yrs. of marriage although certainly not in infatuation stage that long…..things were smoother and easier. After 10 yrs. some turmoil and questioning and figuring it all out..together….

The last two years have been harder on us..and beautiful too. So incredibly beautiful actually. Right now things are very very good and this process has come with it’s challenges. We are entering what feels like a whole new level of respect and love right now. I bet this will change too and go through many other phases. The point being that both of us feel unconditionally loved enough by each other enough to fully express ourselves-to challenge each other –to disappoint each other too. We are becoming better selves because of our relationship. But it is not easy-at all. It has also been one of the hardest couple of years of my life in many ways.

I relate so much to what these books are telling me. Love takes work and is work. If it is not work at all-likely you have only scraped some layers of it and there are probably a whole lot more to uncover. When we stop working and searching and asking-we stop learning.

 

Other strong factors contributing to successful marriage were a shared faith/spirituality, good ways of handling conflict…prioritization of the relationship beyond traditional date nights. But the strongest factor was resilience and the ability as a couple to overcome obstacles together both external and internal to the relationship. The ability to handle hard stuff not only that happens to you as a couple but that will arise between you both separating you initially and then bonding you eventually.

I adored reading these ideas. They were all new to me on paper although not foreign in my mind.

As Hubby and I spend so much time together here on vacation I realize we are passing all the tests with flying colors in many ways and also have so much to work on too and get better at. We realized last night that next summer I will have spent very close to half of my life with this man! We have gone through so many phases together..and will go through so many more.

Reading about marriage is a wonderful thing fo me and I am totally enjoying it.

I am also  appreciating my marriage on this trip. The time we are spending-the relaxing we are doing-the 24/7 company of eachother that we never seem to tire of. Our shared exhaustion and shared love of food. Our love of reading and napping any time of day. The meals he cooks for me and the showers we take together. Knowing and understanding so clearly that he loves me to bits-every part of me both the good and the bad. Understanding that a big mosquito bite ( or 9or 10) on my face doesn’t faze him in the least. This man is here to stay.

And I am too. And for maybe the first time in my life I am letting in all the  unconditional love. Allowing, myself to feel happiness at being adored rather than fear.

My friend at my cottage said to me the other week” No matter what…..I will always always be here. There is nothing you could ever say or do to change that. Ever”

And I allowed myself to hear it and feel it and take it in.

Just like in my marriage.

I have realized that for me the most important factor in any close relationship is defining it together. Not only understanding eachother’s love language but creating and defining our unique and particular relationship together. There is no right or wrong way-the beauty of it is that we get to choose. Achieving a shared definition of what is good and right for both of us. This to me is the the success of any relationship. In the last two years I have devoted a lot of my energies in getting it right in my marriage, my friendships, my family relationships and my relationships with my children. I am well on my way of having some of the most fulfilling and deep relationships that I have ever had in my life.

In my marriage and beyond it.

 

 

 

 

 

The Shift to Be

The Shift to Be

I just read a great book on weight loss and happiness called “The Shift”.

After reading this book it became clear to me I was ready for my own (and my family’s) own type of shift when it comes to food and health.

There have been a few “subtle “hints lately leading me to think this:

My husband and I even after 4.5 days of vacation are still totally exhausted. We sleep all the time and nap anytime and everywhere. We used to easily walk 6 miles or more a day on the beach and now we find it an effort so far to walk at all! I am sure this will improve as of tomorrow or sometime soon but I think we are too tired and something is causing this. Food?

We both keep asking each other if there is something wrong with our washing machine because out bathing suits from the same trip last year seem to have shrunk.

Bear came home before trip with a pillowcase full of Halloween candy and a few days later we asked him if we could take a little baggie of candy on our trip and he said he has eaten it all. Then he asked if after his flu vaccine Didi could take him to the depanneur to have a treat. This made me think my children are (all) total pigs.

So it is time to shift!!!!

Here are a few rules I will follow when I am home. When I write them down it usually means I am committing to them. Especially when it is a public forum. My kids (and husband) kinda hate when I have a whole lot of time on my hands like this as I always come up with new “systems”J)))  It is so much fun for me anyways!!!

So here is what I am going to do when I get home:

Write everything I eat in a notebook

Brush my teeth after every meal

Weight myself and stash it in an envelope and then weight myself exactly a year later and compare (and every day in between but not write it down)

Only have one diet cola a day (vs sometimes two on weekends)

Never take seconds of anything

Only eat one carbohydrate (like bread or pasta or potato) per meal (this one will be friggin hard but better than eating none right??)

Consider a treat a treat. Not every mouthful or meal has to be something to look forward too or a celebration. Most days can just be ordinary (this one will be friggin hard too!)

Eat intuitively and don’t get tempted by tings that I could not care less about (like salad dressings, drinks, juices etc.)

Eat much more s-l-o-w-l-y (just typing this out slowly nearly killed me btw)

Only have desserts at home if we have baked them (since I also have a bad habit of not cooking or baking this will help this for sure)

Dessert can only be eaten 2 hrs. After a meal and not at night. And weekends only (as usual).

So there it is!!! Not too complicated right? If I have a large piece of paper I could stick these rules  on the bathroom mirror and practically not even see myself!

But seriously they may sound complicated to you but for me they totally resonate. For one of the first times I think I have the magic formula for me! I can shift I think with minimal intrusion. I can do this!

And as for the kids and family:

Much less processed foods

No more chips (only baked ones)

Make it and eat it dessert rule

No dessert until 2 hrs after meal

It is very difficult living with three tweens and teens who are like skinny minnies. They can eat ANYTHING and it would never show. I mean 6 packs abs and everything all three . Good good genes lucky them. Frustrating and deceiving. If they were a little chubbier we would have banned the bad stuff a long time ago.

It’s funny though because I make us sound like a Rosanne Bars house but it is totally far from the truth. We all eat very healthfully. Where we miss the train is on holidays and when guests come over and sometimes weekends even. We go overboard. During the week it is super healthy and no desserts and no treats and no fast food etc. We have lots of rules around healthful eating and actually none of us are big eaters….or overeat.

But my hips and Hubby’s belly this vacation is telling me it is time to shift. The fun is coming to and endL It’s time to grow up and have some restraint. The party is over. A new party is about to begin. Sure we will derail here and there and cheat here and there, but it is time to change overall.

I am actually excited. I guess this book was really really good for me. Somehow the message was wrapped up in just the perfect way for my state of mind.

PS-although the author’s shift although much simpler than my own with only three rules…..is way too drastic for me. Plain boring. I would rather be dead. In general I find diets a very very boring way of life. It bores me to pieces when woman order a salad with chicken.

PSS-Can this diet start after vacation? Trust me it won’t before then.  Living in a condo with this amazing chef for two weeks won’t allow that. On the menu tonight is beef teriyaki stir fry and garlic loaf and a Greek salad. Vanilla Oreos and milk to wash it down. We have been here 4.5 days and have only eaten out once! He has cooked everything. Lucky me:))

We are Foodies. We love our food. It’s kind of a religion. Thank god we aren’t too big or this really really would not work for us.

PSSS-I am so lucky to have a husband who looks at me and says I am beautiful all the time. He would way rather have a  bit of a tighter bathing suit on me (or him) then have me (or him) eating no pasta or bread. Guess we really are soul mates! I told him my plan totally and he was very unimpressed.