I always have topics that I read about on vacation. Usually
half fiction books and then other topics that I find interesting and “hot” that
year. For many years it has been parenting books and business books.
This trip it is marriage books. I choose three books on
this topic that I thouroughly researched that are supposed to be the best out
there. They all seem to have very common threads in terms of what makes a
marriage last and what makes it work. I love how it was articulated.
In terms of marriage all three books suggest that year
two to seven yrs. of marriage is how long infatuation lasts. Most couples 2-3 yrs are infatuated with each other on some level. For some this ends
there and for some this lasts up until 7 yrs. (hence the term coined the 7 yr
itch). The line I loved was “ the day you wake up to you partner and have some
doubts about if she or he is the guy or girl for you-is the day your real
marriage begins”
Love love love this. It is so true.
We don’t necessarily grow in infatuation. We don’t grow our partner
or ourselves. It is an amazing phase and one we all covet to all feel again-but it
is usually an uncritical phase- so passing through it can be easier than other
phases of marriage can be in many ways..
In the two books they describe that many people in marriage
do not ever roll over and doubt the partner they are with…it is repressed…or
harder feelings are put aside-but they do show up at one point eventually and
often are so strong they destroy a marriage as they were not dealt with along
the way. They talk about the true test
of marriage being when things are not going as well vs. when things are running
very smoothly. A combination of both is when the true test begins. And that by
overcoming it as a team is when much deeper levels of love are reached.
Marriage is compared to stages of growing up.
Infancy-childhood-adolescence. To grow up into a successful adult you cannot
skip one stage-you have to go through them all-and encompass the various stages
of all-and not just skip over the harder stuff. If you don’t live through them
all you come back to them at various inappropriate times of your life (during marriage,
parenthood etc.). and often dysfunction is lived . Stages of marriage are also
compared to the grief stages…you have to live them all..if you don’t you come
back to them at one point. Marriage has phases to pass through and we have to
allow ourselves to go through them.
If I look at my own marriage I can relate to this for
sure. Up until 10 yrs. of marriage although certainly not in infatuation stage
that long…..things were smoother and easier. After 10 yrs. some turmoil and
questioning and figuring it all out..together….
The last two years have been harder on us..and beautiful
too. So incredibly beautiful actually. Right now things are very very good and
this process has come with it’s challenges. We are entering what feels like a
whole new level of respect and love right now. I bet this will change too and
go through many other phases. The point being that both of us feel unconditionally
loved enough by each other enough to fully express ourselves-to challenge each
other –to disappoint each other too. We are becoming better selves because of
our relationship. But it is not easy-at all. It has also been one of the
hardest couple of years of my life in many ways.
I relate so much to what these books are telling me. Love
takes work and is work. If it is not work at all-likely you have only scraped
some layers of it and there are probably a whole lot more to uncover. When we
stop working and searching and asking-we stop learning.
Other strong factors contributing to successful marriage
were a shared faith/spirituality, good ways of handling conflict…prioritization
of the relationship beyond traditional date nights. But the strongest factor
was resilience and the ability as a couple to overcome obstacles together both external
and internal to the relationship. The ability to handle hard stuff not only
that happens to you as a couple but that will arise between you both separating
you initially and then bonding you eventually.
I adored reading these ideas. They were all new to me on
paper although not foreign in my mind.
As Hubby and I spend so much time together here on vacation
I realize we are passing all the tests with flying colors in many ways and also
have so much to work on too and get better at. We realized last night that next summer I will have spent
very close to half of my life with this man! We have gone through so many
phases together..and will go through so many more.
Reading about marriage is a wonderful thing fo me and I
am totally enjoying it.
I am also appreciating my marriage on this
trip. The time we are spending-the relaxing we are doing-the 24/7 company of
eachother that we never seem to tire of. Our shared exhaustion and shared love
of food. Our love of reading and napping any time of day. The meals he cooks
for me and the showers we take together. Knowing and understanding so clearly
that he loves me to bits-every part of me both the good and the bad. Understanding
that a big mosquito bite ( or 9or 10) on my face doesn’t faze him in the least.
This man is here to stay.
And I am too. And for maybe the first time in my life I
am letting in all the unconditional love.
Allowing, myself to feel happiness at being adored rather than fear.
My friend at my cottage said to me the other week” No
matter what…..I will always always be here. There is nothing you could ever say
or do to change that. Ever”
And I allowed myself to hear it and feel it and take it
in.
Just like in my marriage.
I have realized that for me the most important factor in
any close relationship is defining it together. Not only understanding eachother’s
love language but creating and defining our unique and particular relationship
together. There is no right or wrong way-the beauty of it is that we get to choose. Achieving a shared definition of what is good and right for both of
us. This to me is the the success of any relationship. In the last two years I
have devoted a lot of my energies in getting it right in my marriage, my friendships,
my family relationships and my relationships with my children. I am well on my
way of having some of the most fulfilling and deep relationships that I have
ever had in my life.
In my marriage and beyond it.
