My Smiling Buddha

 

I got a smiling Buddha for Christmas. From my Mommy. He was on my X-mas list.

He is big and gold and is now sitting on my fireplace mantel at home. He is sitting on a big sack of blessings and reaching towards the sky to receive more abundance. I love him.

My Mom gave him to me because she knew I needed him. He was hers and she loved him too. Now he is mine.

He is the first thing I have ever had that I have the feeling I could actually picture myself praying too or believing in. I just finished a book right now called “Geoff the Buddha and I”. Caro6 lent  this book to me over 6 months ago and I saved it for the perfect moment. Two weeks ago was the perfect moment and I read it.

Buddhism is the very first religion I have ever been exposed to that holds any meaning for me. Important messages without all the religious stuff that makes me stop listening right from the beginning in other religions with all the rules and constraints and priests and bishops and stuff that really really does not resonate with me and turns me completely off the fundamental messages between this stuff. Buddhism is the first religion I have read about that could resonate with me. Could it? Would it? Who knows right? All I know is that I love my smiling Buddha and I will pray to him whether I am religious or not.

In the book I finished it talks about a moment that changes everything in your life. Your Karma of sorts. A moment that defines your life. Well just as I finished that part my moment happened.

The man I was in bed with who was already asleep (my husband) started violently choking. Then he proceeded to throw up very violently in his mouth. The he began throwing up very violently all over the bed, the floor, the door, the handle of the door, the sink, the toilet and my toothbrush (all out of his mouth).

It was not gastro nor was it some kind of holiday drunken stupor either. It was a bad bad case of indigestion and acid reflex.

Was that my Buddhist moment? Certainly not.

What happened next was.

A houseful of guests listening to this circus downstairs. And me weeping on the stairs. I have a thing with puke-I am scared of it. And if I see it I throw up right on top of it myself making the barf situation considerably worse. So usually I just fall very silent and weep on the stairs or in the nearest corner. It is not very effective or helpful.

My children realize this about me. My husband has been the only provider of all puke and diarreah cleaning for as many years as I can count. He takes over the to do lists in this area always.

Bear hears his Dad puking and comes upstairs. Paper towels and all-purpose cleaner in hand.

“I am cleaning this all up” he says assessing the damage of the third floor.

“No way! I can do it Sweetie!” I say (weeping on stairs)

“No I am doing it. I am doing this for Dad. He has always cleaned up after me when I puke and now it is my time to clean up his puke”

“OMG!”I shout

“Move Mom.Nothing you can say will stop me. I WANT to do this”

And so Bear gets to work with his paper towels and cleaners, his own feet sitting in the barf. Scrubbing away with love and determination. When he is finished he tucks his Father into bed and goes down and gets two garbage’ bags one for the smelly garbage and one for the smelly towesl. He ties up both bags and tells us that he didn’t want it to smell in the morning for us, checks on his Dad again (who is perfectly fine by this point) and gives us kisses goodnight. Then he heads back to bed himself.

Hubby are both left in shock and bewildered.

And I realize that this is my Karma. It happened at the precise moment that I read about it. What happened that night are way too many things to articulate. Way too many things to share. Way too beautiful and way too scary to fully make sense of. But to give you a slight essence here were a few things swirling in my mind:

We created an angel/ this is not a child he is a Buddha/ Would he clean up my barf?/ Gosh he loves his Dad/ Gosh they need their Dad/ I wish I was not weeping / A child should not be doing this for a parent/ What kind of child does this for their parent?/ People need to be together when they are sick and not alone/ I  can’t believe I did not change the sheets of this barfed in bed/This is a sign for January /What does this mean?/ I don’t want our kids picking up the barf/ I would never have done this for my Mom and Dad/ I was never taught to nurture/ I am a horrible nurturer/ This is a sign of true love/ This is so so scary/ This is so so beautiful/  Hubby is a way better father than I am mother/ I hope if one of us ever dies it is me and not him/ What did Bear do this?/ Will this be the theme of our lives?/ What does this say about our family?/ I need Caro6 advice/ I need my Buddha/ I am changed/ Bear did not wash his feet.

So that was our moment. That was my Karma.

And in conclusion I realized that to really be successful…to really finish the symphony the orchestra  that has been written for me over all these years.To really feel complete and whole in myself:

I need to be able to clean up the puke. I need to live the puke process fully. I need to accept it and be there and live it. I need to both live the puke and detach from the puke. (All metaphorical as did you really think I was going to mop it all up in the future??)

I can totally hear my mentors voice in my head right now “Yup Tarina…time to clean up the barf-you know it”

For me to fully appreciate all the angels in my life (Bear starring as number #1) I need to be able to clean up all the puke. Together. As a unit. As much as my heart and soul and body resist it they all know it too.

It’s my time to learn how to nurture.

And that my friends is my Buddhist moment.

 

PS-It was confirmed this morning that this truly was the Karma when the utterly beautiful post I wrote about this yesterday night was deleted in error. The world insisted I have to write it twice  to ensure I understand and remember the meaning)

The Shift- Part 2

 

In Turks and Caicos 6 weeks ago I made the decisions after reading an inspiring book about weightloss and eating that I was shifting.

Not to the traditional” I will eat less and exercise more” mentality….but to the intuitive type of eating mentality that I know works for me. And I did. Right there in the middle of my vacation. And since then it has been effortless….easy …and successful.

I know that for me moderation is everything and deprivation is failure. And I need to remember that in my shift. And so far I finally have. And my goal is not major weightloss it is maintenanc for a lifetime and a bit of weight loss and shaping my body through yoga and muscle building and walking consistently.

Well so far I am very happy. The shift mentally formulated 6 weeks ago but the exercise commitments way before that. Has been a year now doing yoga..and lots of walking..and strength training consistently. I like what I see. No one else would probably notice too much. But I do and it feels amazing. My hips are slimmer…my clothes fit way better. I feel back to what I was about 4 yrs ago…which is comfortably satisfied and comfortable in my body. And I am satisfied with that.

Would I love to be slimmer? Sure! But the cost benefit doesn’t pay off for me (aka starving and being at the gym instead of working and with family). I take this curvy body and embrace it. And now? It looks great. Pretty much anything I put on I am back to liking again. That toning and 6 pounds make a huge difference for me. And my goal is to stay there for the rest of my life.

 

Through the rules I made for myself through the shift. To just listen to my voice inside around food. It has been a week of candy and cupcakes and Xmas logs and gelato and guess what? I truly don’t care! I eat some and never have seconds. I never take chocolate unless dessert and there is no temptation. Tell me I can’t have it and that is all I think about all day long.

I am naturally not a big snacker or sweet person (French fries are another story). I need to use my intuition. And I need to accept that maintenance vs losing is the goal for me. And embrace that.

And it influences me to help a close friend right now that is going through a hard time. Her husband is struggling with problem drinking and they are trying to find solutions. They are deciding between the route of abstaining, recovery and AA to moderation management and harm reduction recovery. This shift stuff I have shared with her ….and she has been listening. Clearly being addicted to drinking is different than enjoying food…but I think they share some common elements and I found this interesting to share with her in case sheds some light on their own difficult decisions.

The shift. I love it. I feel proud. I feel really pretty lately. I feel great and good and back to a part of myself that I missed for a bit.

A good way to start the new year.

 

 

 

Love it. Merry Christmas!

Yes it is very clear to me now…I do love Christmas (and Christmas Eve).I just don’t really care for all the hoopla leading up to it all (or like some of it but not all of it)

But the day before and the day itself??? Magical. I love the excitement for the gifts to be opened and the overstuffed stockings. I love spending it with our extended family and feeling like our children are so loved and part of many villages. I was so excited last night I when I went to bed at 2am that I could barely sleep. And barely did in fact!

We had a beautiful Xmas ever  a Reveillon celebration at my husband’s nieces’ house with all his nieces and nephews. And I had my brother and family come with us too from Indiana..so nice! There are so many little kids there full of hugs and kisses and love. All believing in Santa. What a pleasure to watch them all grow.And then back here in the city at midnight for Xmas pjs and bedtime,. And all 10 pairs fit all ten people Yes!

And then Christmas today so so so nice. Everyone calm and happy and relaxed. My fave part of Christmas day is spending it all of us in our (new) pajamas just chilling and relaxing. Everything looking at and playing with what they received for Christmas and hanging out together. That is my favorite part of Christmas just enjoying that rare unstructured time. A beautiful breakfast made by my Honey of homemade cinnamon buns and cranberry loaf and a beautiful lunch made by my Mom.Ping pong is the big hot of a game this year. And a big poker suitcase.

We are heading out to Trent with brother and family at dinner time tonight for some Chesse fondue, snow, Action movies and some major games of poker!  All of them are better poker players than we are. Having big kids is a blast.

And gosh all these kids are growing up! They were all so calm this Christmas and patient and grateful. And all cooperated and play and chat together. And they had mimosas with us  with chamapgane! And they played table tennis tournaments and did dance shows. 

We are heading out soon so Hubby can show off all his hard work at his new office and lock all the kids in the big vault he builtJ

 Merry Christmas Everyone!!!! I love Christmas too…(but can’t say I am that sad to shelf the elf!!!! (Poor Balz!)

Hope all your dreams came and come true!!!

 

 

We All see the World Differently..

…..And we all live different things. These are two concepts that hit me over and over as I grow and mature. We each live life in completely different ways. Our realities are owned by us and defined by our experiences, our values, our beliefs and the way we individually see the world.

What I am living is not what you are living…and vice versa. Even a tiny example today I reached out to Savvy to say Merry Xmas and she is stuck in an ice storm with no power the day before the Xmas celebrations! I am up here at my cozy cottage and have not looked at news for 2 days and had no idea! I remember that same feeling during the Quebec ice storm when the largest storm I think in history hit Quebec and I had my first baby I had just brought home from the hospital….and I had friends and family in Ontario and USA having no idea the hell we lived for 3 weeks nonetheless!  And even when they did know..they had no understanding of what this was really like with a baby.

Different realities….different experiences.

And people’s perspectives too….are all so valuable yet all so different. As I mentioned on blog before one area of myself I have been trying to improve over the years is sharing more during crisis or problems vs after they have already been solved and then sharing. This is hard for me. Very hard.

But also very valuable because then I get the true benefit of perspective of others before decisions have been made. But man oh man can people see the same issue differently. And people so close to me too….completely opposite. The support people offer is also so very different too….it really makes me realize that in general people offer what they themselves would expect. Or offer the kind of advice that would work for their particular life.

 

It makes me realize that I do this too all the time. Recently a friend of mine has been going through a hell of a time. My advice to her has been primarily based on what I would want from a friend…but has it been based on what she is ready to receive or hear? Probably not? Is that bad? Is it good? Does it stretch her or crush her? All good questions and questions that have been roaming through my mind as I am on the receiving end of support and advice.

And everyone is so wonderful and loving and kind. We just all live different lives don’t we? That is why I know for me I could never not be married…I need and want a partner that I love desperately. I need that daily sharing of realities..our realities….together that we share. I can’t have something to share that is important and wait a week to share it because the other person is busy…or travelling ..or at work..or with family (all normal things!). I realize how fundamental it is to my existence to share daily and share together. To share a life with a soulmate.

And sharing can be hard too as it brings up questions and facts we may not have already considered. So new ,material to deal with. Points that are there but may not occur or be relevant to us..but may be relevant to someone else close to you which them makes it more relevant for you,..When your feel you already have enough on your plate? Or is that just repression? It’s a fine line to know what you are ready to hear vs what you need to hear. It’s really hard to know which is best.

All that to say this vulnerability thing is hard and tough, but I totally see the benefits (and some of the downfalls too). I feel raw. Exposed…. judged (not in a bad way but a normal way)…I feel open for business and closed in my mind. I feel whole but yet cut up into pieces.

But after all all the realities seep through my mind…others peoples values and reflections. My own..my spouses..my families…other people’s beliefs sit with me…my own sit with me…..until I feel so full and heavy I can barely breather…I come back to my heart. And the hearts of the people involved directly in it ….and I listen to the beatings of the these hearts and what there are saying.

And it all comes together.

Just like that.

Despite it all and because of it all.

And I try to connect my brain and my heart into one coherent message.

And often it is a struggle but overall I am a really smart and really feeling girl.

So it all starts to make sense.

And once I can separate the fear from the point and define the unknown as the prize vs the enemy…

I feel like I can breathe. We can breathe again.

Together. Through invisible icestorms. Through the woods and the rain and the sun. Through it all. Finding our way…..always back home.

Home.

 

 

 

 

 

Weekends are Holidays…!

It’s funny around X-mas all the sudden you see the world getting brighter and happier and more giving, and volunteering more and smiling more and spending more time together and enjoying life more. Almost everyone gets like this…and I have always stood back a bit and wondered why a little?

For years I thought maybe I just wasn’t as into holidays that much….or as much as those around me. I thought maybe I was missing out on something. Then for more years I thought maybe it was because I am not very religious …..but then I ask myself if the birth of Christ would be the thing that would make December all around exciting for me?

And don’t get me wrong I love Christmas. Mostly the Dec 24 and Dec 25^th when it is happening. I adore the spending time with our extended family part..I adore the food…I adore all our traditions like new Christmas Pjs on Christmas Eve and overflowing stockings. Envelopes in the tree with inheritance money from the three Grampas….and mochas homebaked by Hubby that was his Mom’s recipe. I love being in our pyjamas all day long and admiring all the sweet gifts we receive. I love my Mom sleeping over the night before and my brother and family driving all the way from Indiana to come and spend there week with us. I adore it.

But the whole month of December getting all super excited about it? Not so much. Sure the X-mas lights are pretty and lots of Christmas movies and hot chocolate and skating….BUT…and BIG BUT here ….I realized why the whole month leading up to Christmas is not that big of a deal to me (or less of a deal than to so many people I know…and it is because…..

EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND OF THE YEAR IS A HOLIDAY IN MY EYES. EVERY SINGLE ONE. AND THAT IS WHT HOLIDAYS ARE WONDERFUL BUT NOT AS SUPER SPECIAL TO ME.

 

Our goal in life was to make Every weekend super special for us as a family. Actually not just every weekend but every day in many instances. Sort of like retirement…we would never be the types to look forward to retirement…just making every day..or week or month exactly what you want in life. It’s a perspective. Why wait for retirement or Christmas to maximize joy?

Part of making the huge decision to buy this cottage was due to that. We wanted every weekend and time off to feel like a real holidays. Cuddling up by the fire…skating..skiing…hot chocolate ….jacuzzis under the starts..Saturday night movie and popcorn nights…traditions left right and center at the cottage….sleeping on bail beds and boating and kayaking and sailing. Dinners by candlelight and lunch by candlelight…hosting friends and seeing family. Big ice rink gets together and ski parties. Tobogganing…floating and songs we sing. Music..great food and wine are plentiful 52 weeks a year. Treats and candies and special soft drinks for the kids.

And our weeks too are plentiful. We see friends often for lunches during weeks (well not often but at least once a month!) We have movie nights and watch Modern Family. My Mom makes dinner for Grammy night for us and we stay up late and watch documentaries. Sometimes in summer we can have 20 friends at the pool in summer and work the next day.(often actually!)

And amidst all that is the fighting..And whining and yelling (especially my yelling when we pack or unpack which is every weekend). There are tears and alienation, sadness and obstacles (big ones!). There is feeling lost and alone and out of sorts….but we always come back to the good stuff and make it a priority. Always. Fun and celebration and happiness is at the top of our priority lists. All for us. The day it isn’t..this family won’t be the same family. As soon as we see that slipping away we try to get it back..and quickly.

All that to say “the good stuff” is not just at Christmas. We aim for it at the same level all the time. And I realize that many people who get totally excited about Christmas too feel this same way as I do….but just explains to myself that I am not Ba Humbug at all!! I just have a zest for 52 weeks a year!!!

So yes tonight will sit down together in front of the fire and watch “A Christmas Carol” or a “Wonderful life”.(although as I speak all 4 of them are googling most hilarious PG xmas movies to try and get out of these classic ones that they see at school every year). We did our elf that has a special treat to munch on with the movie. But tonight won’t be any different than any Saturday night around here except the theme is Christmas.

And I think I am a bit of a rebel in that way. I like different things and different traditions. I always had a hard time knowing that everyone around the world was celebrating Valentine’s Day and love at the same precise moment we were. Feels odd to know how many people are hiding elves and eating from advent calendars at the same time. But there are parts of it I love like everyone else. I love the feeling of Xmas mass …I love the excitement of Xmas morning. And I love that it is the season to be jolly.

But personally? I try to express Gratitude all year long…I try to smile often throughout the year….and my resolutions are weekly and not yearly. I invite my family and friends over all the time and try to do good deeds as often as I can.Christmas snow not makes me skate any more often than snow any Sunday and I never need and excuse reading by the fire.

The things that defines Christmas the most for me? (like any holiday) is the time off from work with less work at work and less work at home where I can lounge around, sleep in, and read and watch movies (between all the ski competitions, ski practices, baking, wrapping and entertaining) Like today took us 5 hrs. to drive up here because we stopped for nuts at the yummy nut store, and then stopped for zatar sandwiches at the little original Lebanese place downtown. And took our time. Then at cottage because no homework’s or schedule watched a ton of old home movies of kiddies growing up and two boys got up on the roof and shoveled it just for fun. The gift of time is the true gift of Christmas for me. I will take not having to get up..go anywhere or stick to any schedule for two whole weeks as my only gift if that is an option. (which will never happen with three kids, ski competitions, places to be and things to do.. but I will settle for  5 days of unstructured time too!)

Holidays for me are all about family and friends. It has nothing to do with what we do or how we do it-it has to do with the simple gift of time together doing whatever we want with less schedules, less restrictions, more time and more space to just do we love to do ..Individually and together. And sure those time get hectic too…we get crowded and annoyed…sometimes Hubby and I wish for a day or an evening off just the two of us…but mostly we are just plain old content. To be spending this beautiful time every day as a family. Christmas. Easter. Mondays, Wednesdays and Sundays, and every day in between. In this organized chaotic kind of way that we seem to have mastered by now.

Christmas is a beautiful time of year…….in between all the beautiful moments .

Project Completion

 

There is something about finishing a big big project that feels so darn good. Recently in my new role at work as Head of Talent Management I just completed one and that felt darn good I tell you…especially as when I took it on I was very uncertain if we would meet the deadline and we did.

And home projects too……I just today (early morning) finished a HUGE one. Every year I print 400 pictures and put them in albums-that is standard. I also write on the back of the kid’s school pictures and put them in a big album. I develop pictures for frames at my office and hubby’s office of the kids, and us. That is standard.

But every three years I do a big framing project for the offices, home and the cottage. And I mean Big. Usually frame about 20-30 pics for Trent……about 50-60 for home and then do a few framing projects for my Mom etc. for Xmas gifts.

This truly truly takes forever. Which are vertical vs horizontal? What fits in what frame? Where will the frame go? What should be in friend frames vs family frames?  Running after friends and family to send me this picture or that picture from this event. Complicated and lots of work. Also never perfect either. I still have holes in it all as never got some pics I wanted, but did my best!

(PS remember I have a career (aka known as this is all done late nights and early mornings)

We have many very specific framing clusters in house. We have the basement stairs section which is every trip we have been on since married. We have the living room which is extended family pictures. Then we have our own kids and immediate family pictures. Then new to this years we have a Friend wall and a Foundation wall (very symbolic for me).

At the cottager we already had the Friend wall and also History wall of all our old memories from old cottage. Plus many vacation pictures from family trips-the ones we consider the best ones.

If there is one thing in life that I am obsessed with from a domestic point of view it is framing pictures (the only thing actually at home that I would consider). It has to be just so. Last night I woke up at 3am and changed two pictures in the frames as they did not have enough meaning for me. I derive great great pleasure from seeing important moments captured and displayed. Often I walk in my house picture to picture just gazing. I love the love captured in them.

 

PS-I am truly driving my family crazy. Especially my Husband.

And one day when I am retired (aka 80 yrs old) I will get totally totally into photography. I have never taken a course in my life beyond high school and am already pretty good. The framing around my house though are mainly taken my tripods or kids as often I am in them!

But I have an eye for photos that is certain.

And then the whole X-mas and wrapping thing. I finished that too now!!! And I put a lot of energy into it all. All 4 bdays are around X-mas too. And stockings are huge and plentiful and full of goodies. Xmas pjs for everyone on dec 24. This year I did 10 stockings as my brother and family coming too. And then 10 pair of Pj’s besides all the Xmas gifts.

People may ask why in hell I would take on this picture project so close to Xmas?. And my answer is because I stick to my goals. My goal was by end of 2013 to have my framing project complete. And since I started only in November 2013 that made the probability of doing this close to X-mas pretty certain.

But none of this could be possible. None of it at all without my little elvesJ))))

Beauty has been madly helping me for weeks now every night. Wrapping. Sorting. Labelling. Framing. Cutting pics. Etc… Beauty is the craftiest person ever. I am so glad she lives with usJ

Bear has been doing massive massive amounts of laundry and folding to compensate for Beauty helping me. And dishes.

And Chase helped me cut apart a bunch of school pictures last night and does the kitchen and has been busy getting 80's-90’s at school (I forgive him though plus he does not get as much allowance as the two others)

Anyways I feel proud and accomplished and busy. It’s wierd how this year with the least help I have ever had around the house I have been the most productive. And so have my kids. And part of it annoys me to no end and exhausts –but part of it is kind of fun tooJ

Measuring My Progress of 2013

We started a wonderful  tradition last year  (one of the rare ones that I actaully invented myself!) which we will repeat this year. Bear buys be me a beautiful candle to burn each year and we burn it in our solarium at the cottage in front of the fire and discuss the year past and the year ahead. It really started off the year well.

We looked at our high and low moments of 2013 individually and as a family and set some goals for the New Year. And wrote them all down in a book that we will bring out and look at again in 2014 Jan 1.

I chose a word (or a letter actually) that encompassed all of my goals for this year. And it was “V” It stands for “Vanessa” one of my dearest friends (aka Soul keeper on this blog. I wanted to become more like her..mainly more peaceful..more serene..more accepting..less judgmental….so so so many things that they could not be listed here as there is not enough space.

And don’t get me wrong it is rare for me to want to be like anyone else ever. I am pretty happy with who I am. I am sure you have noticed that I don’t lack self-confidence! But she has many qualities which I know she worked darn hard to have. And I wanted them too.

To be honest when I choose that goal I did not have very much hope I would be too close to being V by the end of the year. It was more of a wish but I didn’t really think it is possible But….. Like any other wish or hope or prayer that you consciously ritualize and tie actions to…they come true.

I can happily say I am a whole lot more V by the end of this year than I was at the beginning. To the point that I bet many people might have “T” as a goal!!!

Awww..it feels good. So good.

And trust me-things have not been easy for me lately. If anything they are the hardest they have ever been in so many ways. But the thing about V is that it is there no matter what is happening. It is an attitude. A way of life….it stays.

Last night I surprised myself and was super V when Chase whose 16^th birthday party is Friday and has been planned for 4 months surprised  me with an announcement. Dad and I booked off work for Friday and taking 7 boys to ski in Bromont and then big dinner at resto they were being dropped off (you know the party that I planned as surprise and he found out and then wanted to cancel but then decided to keep it on?)

Well he decided to cancel it again and told me last night. Food bought. Time off work taken. 4 parents already called for final arrangements and ski drop off..blah..blah ..blah…We were even attending a party in Bromont that night during his party and arranged to have other two kids sleep at friend’s houses. Lots and lots of organization went into this party.

And did I scream? No! Did I act disappointed! (a tiny bit!) Did I give him a lecture about responsibility and making your mind up!? No! Did I lose faith in my son? No! Did I respect him? Totally!

I sought to understand and then accepted his decision and the mixed feelings he had about this. I complimented him on his articulation and directness in his feelings.

And that was it. Fini.

(I deserve to move up to “W” after this).

And the best part was I have not given it another thought since. I believe in him and I believe he knows what is right for his life

“V” is a beautiful thing (just like the actual  BFF) this girl has offered me so much this year. Mainly unconditional love and the understanding that no matter what in life she will be there. That the thing that I can expect from her is always is honestly, love, support, tough love and devotion. And that anything on my mind I can share with her at any time whether it be about my life..her life or our lives together. And she can do the same. No matter what. It feels actually like a gift from God. She has been such an incredible teacher for me over the years of grace, walking the talk, never hiding from the hard parts of life, authentic expression and unconditional love.

I don’t know what my word will be exactly for 2014..but one thing I do know? V feels awfully good. I am actually not quite sure how I lived my life before it.

 And as I enter some very personal and challenging times in early 2014…..Peace will be with me. I can feel it already. Something that before last year was not necessarily part of my suitcase in the same way, but that now I could never ever leave home without.