Nothing

I started my blog 2.5 years ago and not one single time did I not have something to write about when I sat down and opened my computer. Not once.

Today Is the day!

Nothing.

Nada.

Out of thoughts.

(it must have something to do with my new patience and serenity words….they are making me too laid back and Zen or something)

 

Sure I could write about the amazing day we had with our buddies and their kids at Trent..or the big fight and drama in the evening with our friends  (not!!!). Or I could write about the anticipation of my day today with one of my best buddies and our adorable daughters….

But I don’t feel like writing.

It just so happened to be the time to do my blog.

Time to read and then take a shower I guess.

Not sure how interesting patience and serenity is going to feel for my faithful blog readers..soory guys!

This blog is god awful boring today.

 

Waiting to Unwap

I knew it would be a great evening when I saw her sitting at the kitchen counter at the cottage sipping her hot chocolate with a straw. She looked so domestic and so sweet. So capable. Then she proceeded to put her apron on, cut her daily pomegranate, put it is a bowl, keep her apron on and come and cuddle by the fire and eat it.

I looked at my daughter on Jan 1…..really really looked at her..and saw the woman she would be..the wife she will be…mainly the mother she will be one day. I saw her there in that little apron eating her pomegranate, with her daintily necklace around her dainty neck, her 4 bracelets jingling. I am always in awe of her petite and thin and lean and long and tall and muscular body. What her body will look like as a woman. I picture her opening the door to us on Sunday dinners and welcoming us in her apron with her little chain around her neck having just finished a bunch of baking and craft projects with her many children and animals in tow. Having just finished a busy week of work but pulling off the stay at home mom thing effortessly. Her little small apron answering the door to us.

My daughter is..something else. But that is not what got my attention. It was that I was fully  present..that I noticed. January 1 started off well because of this. I am by far by best when I am patient and present.

 

And January 1 is when I get the biggest insights ever into who my children are. Who they really are. Christmas does not give me that insight..nor does Easter or birthfays. New year’s does. January 1 is a day that is special to all of us for some weird reason. It just happened on its own and grew into that. There was no trying to find a special tradition or orchestrating any of it. –it just did . It just is.

I will never travel at Christmas and New Years holidays. Everything I want is at this cottage. Everything my family needs is at this cottage.

 

I think  the core all of us our just really intimate family cozy people. We all love the time off at the holidays more than all the hoopla about it. Our fave parts are just doing nothing and watching movies and hanging out. Some how new years turned into this for us. Sure the party Dec 31 is fun….but January 1 is even better. We have lunch with my Mom and it is always so nice. Then we just take our time coming back to cottage. Have no dinner. Just snack on whatever is around. Nothing special and nothing planned.

And then it is our “backward forward” tradition that lights up my heart like nothing else in the year does. They all take it so seriously (the only time of year they really focus and commit in this way). We look back in the book. We look forward. We do our individual lists and share with each other.

And who amazes me most is my husband. Year after year. I am never ever prepared for what he says. I could never have guessed it. And how little of his life centers around me (not in a bad way). But in a way that is foreign to my psyche and my understanding of him.  For my kids lists either..so shocking, so beautiful. So uniquely them. All of us…and so easily shared the most intimate parts of our lives and secrets, our needs not met, the moments that were. Exposed. Raw, Beautiful.

 

Moments of 2013 of people wanting more in friendships, deep desires of achievement, cherishing reuniting with a person that has been missed, wanting the spotlight, having the spotlight, wanting a best friend, having a best friend, wanting more adventure, needing more quality time, reflecting on a problem that has become bigger than us, health and safety always top of everyone’s lists…and on and on and on and on…

And I love that I don’t lead this. Nothing of me makes this happen. We all make it happen together. There are none of my values being taught, or values that I think are good for them to learn. It is all about us as individuals. And this has always been my dream to see my family capable of this. Without me.  Maybe Because of me but without me?

When I saw them all last night I realized how proud I am of where we are as a family. It may only be one night a year that everyone could be so open and focused and quiet and serious and committed to this-but that one night means everything. There may be chaos and farting and laughing and wrestling and bossiness and drama and non-ability to focus all the other days…but on this day….somehow it all works out and comes together.

And I realize….that everything I have always wanted for them all..and for myself is already there. It all was heard and soaked in and digested. And it all plays out in the beautiful candlelit room on the first day of the year.

I look at them all and feel so in love. So in love with the people that are being uncovered. Who I partially know but also have no clue about. And I feel excited to keep on unwrapping and discovering each one of them little by little.

The only gifts that have any meaning to me are all sitting in that room. Waiting for me to have the courage and strength to unwrap fully.

My (two) Word of 2014

I can’t fall asleep at night on Dec 31^st until I choose my word for the new year. Last night this was a huge problem considering that I only tried to fall asleep after the big party at 2am.

By 3:38 am I had my word. By today Jan 1 I have my second. I cheated this year. This year gets to cheat and have two.

Last year it was “V” (for Vanessa). That word was with me all year..guided me…lead me..inspired me. And I became very “V”

My two words this year are:

1-Serenity

2-Patience

 

Serenity: steadiness of mind under stress; composure, calm, peacefulness

Patience: ability to accept and tolerate delays, problems, sufferings without becoming annoyed or anxious

And ps I have already arranged to wear both around my neck! In a 12 hr span!

 

Oh yes people I am putting myself up the the challenge this year!!!! I am severely stretching my innate and current  (non) capabilities in these areas!

But I did V very well..I see no reason I cannot be serene and patient in 2014 right??? At least some of the time. Serene I am already half way there…patient is a whole other story. But I need to be both. This is the year.

So there we have it. Today we slept in until 11am (thank you God for finally allowing us some sleep and no skiing) and then we had a beautiful lunch out with my Mom. Funny stories..Lots of hugs….she commented lots on the way my jeans are fitting, me lately….we ate yummy St Hubert chicken and gravy and coleslaw and had delicious desserts. We went and deposited all the kid’s Christmas money in the bank and stopped off to cash in the winning stocking lottery tickets and won more!

Now at Trent and tonight is my fave tradition of the year: Burning Bear's candle he buys me for my bday and doing our looking back and looking forward for the Year in front of a roaring fire on our cozy couch. Written all in my beautiful leather note book . I can’t wait..And although the kids won’t admit it I know they all love it too.

And the Hubby gives us all “La Benedition”. A blessing. For the New Year. And why? Because his Dad gave it to his children on New Year and now he gives it to our because he is the Patriarch now. And Patriarchs give blessings right? And it makes us feel good to be blessed.

January 1^st for me defines the rest of my year. Sometimes it is puking..sometimes it is watching others clean it up…sometimes is it wishing I could clean it up myself..sometimes it is looking sleek and slimmer in my new jeans..sometimes it is laced with sadness and pain..or sometimes overflowing with happiness and peace.

Today was a mix of all of the above. And despite it all (and because of it all) I just felt love..for my husband..my children and my Mom and for the village we have all built together brick by brick together…and a sense that we will all be ok. By the end of this year-we will be happier than we started off. And the level we are starting from is pretty damn acceptable.  I am anxious and excited to see what we are like by the end of 2014. But I will patiently wait...wait and see...calmly and serenely. Just like the good good girl I am:)

 

Happy New Year!!!!

 

 

And Suddenly He Turns 16….

 

While everyone was out there celebrating New Year’s in 1997…my little baby was being born. (Ps I was giving birth to him). Our storm baby-both into the Quebec ice storm where we lost electricity for over 2 weeks and moved 5 times. Ever since he has been,..well pretty stormy!

And for the next 16 yrs including today I have loved him so profoundly that I never realized my heart was even a fraction as capable of this kind of love. I have adored him, worried about him, worshipped him, fretted about him and loved him more than life itself.

This boy has totally captured my heart and many of those around him. At 6 months, at 2 yrs., at 5 yrs. at 10 yrs. and still today at 16 yrs. (although considerably less now!)…….his big green eyes, curly thick way shiny hair, his huge smile and personality have made teachers forgive him easily and parents forgive easily. He is charming.

And he loves his birthday gifts,. So much so that he has never worn any other sweater than the one he chose for himself last year are his 15^th birthday (literally).

Last night he announced that he as shaving his “moustache”.

This morning he announced that now that he is 16 he wants to have his first beer with us (not going to happen besides a sip)

Yesterday was his day like we do every year to lounge around, do no chores and do whatever he wanted (computer, TV, Ping-Pong and groceries and making chicken and tabouli, more tv, more phone, more IPad and more TV).

Of anyone I know he is the most forgiving, the most loving of his family, and also one of the funniest people I know. He made his 13 year old cousin laugh and laugh and laugh for five days straight while she was visiting. He adores her as an audience. He is also a truly phenomenal brother. And yes 16 yrs. old boys (mine anyway) still do hug and kiss and say I love you. And they always want to be around their families and don’t lock themselves in their rooms all day.

Today Dec 31 is his bday. Hard to have a bday on a holiday. Half the people forget to call you…your friends are all with their families or travelling and so not much connection. We try to make it up in other ways. His traditional 4 by 4 ride out to brunch with his Dad alone where they illegally drive on the streets (now Chase drives it with Dad on back) lots of presents in the morning with a special 16 one this year he was not expecting, Chocolate croissants he has been begging for at the grocery store.

It’s always a party of course of his birhtday. Most every year at the Sweethearts house surrounded by 32 kids (most much younger) and probably 30 adults. It’s always a blast. This year because a special 16^th bay our friend the host wanted to balke whatever Chase’s hearts desired…soooo sweet. On the menu chocolate cheesecake with raspberry coulisJ

And then his family bday dinner is January 8^th when we are back in city with Didi. We will choose a nice Italian restaurant and go out all together for the evening. We cannot possibly celebrate his bay without his Didi-it just would not be the same.

We all love you so much my darling. So immensely proud of you in every way. You are our first…….and I will always remember every single moment of when I had you…and every moment since. Your are etched into my heart forever and ever and ever. I am so proud to call you my son.  What you have accomplished this year on so many levels is almost unbelievable. With determination, grace and pride in who you are. And you being 16 today….makes me feel super old tooJ

 

Our Best Christmas Ever

 

This Christmas was truly wonderful. Having my brother here with his family made is really really special for us. I went into this Christmas not so much in the spirit-but their visit was exactly what our family needed to lift our spirits.

We spend Xmas Eve at Hubby’s niece’s house which was also so wonderful and my brother and family fit in perfectly. We spend a beautiful Christmas at home with my Mom and then headed to Trent. There we played games, had ping pong tournaments, ate like vegetarian kings and queens, went on 3 hr. hike in the forest on snowshoes, some cross-country skied, some downhill skied, we all skated, tobogganed, went for walks in the snow. Perfect milder winter snowy weather and hot jacuzzi. Fires and glasses of red and rose wine. Zatar sandwiches were a hit and so were bean tortillas. Yummy desserts and snacks and roasted brie lunch and bakery breakfast. We truly had a blast.

 

On their last night here I looked around the table and felt the happiness and the laugher around me and soaked it all in. I love this family…my brother,..my sister in law..my two beautiful and unique and amazing nieces….all of so them very much   We all are so different yet so much the same too. It all just clicks so wonderfully.

Tope 10 moments with Bro Aero Mint sister Schopenhauer and Nieces:

 

1-My niece in Categories debating that Jesus Christ could be listed as a top athlete because he walked on water

2-Scattegories and all our fights in general. Love it.

3- Seeing them all roll in the snow during Jacuzzi and me explaining that is how nerve damage feels

4-Getting totally lost in the forest snow showing (even though I was mad we were lost) was so beautiful. Sheer beauty.

5-Zatar sandwiches!!!!!!!!! Was pretty much on everyone’s top fave thing lost. Yummy!!!

6-The amazing meal they made for us. Homemade guacamole…homemade salsa, black been tortillas, salad and brownie ice cream sundaes

7-The hummus at the resto and the odd way it was measured

8-Ping pongJ More Ping pong (love that 15 dollar gift!!!!)

9-My walk with my brother and our discussions

10-The way I see them loving our kids and the way we love theirs and how we are all so connected even living far away.

Now they are on their way back to far off Indiana and Phase 2 begins of our holidays. And Chase just finished today and intense 3 days of certification to be a ski instructor-and he passed and now can be one!!!

Beauty has been at the slopes every morning at 8:15am for the days for competition and Bear has been sleeping in and skiing in the afternoons. We went skiing today too.

I love the pace here at Trent (that is no shock). We read, we watch movies, we make delicious dinners, we go in the Jacuzzi, we chill out, we warm up, and we fall asleep on the couch. There is so much more time that in normal life. I have not even barely had time to read on this vacation, Bear was rude this afternoon so has no computer time tonight so he is backing cookies from scratch! Love this cottage as he would never do that at home.

Tonight we are watching the Hunger Games two movie. Morning has been super early for skiing and certification and will continue to be, but nights are late and luxurious.

For real, Hubby and I have not had a single moment alone……and when we do we are as tired and fall asleep. It has been busy around here with all the festivities and guests. Also now that lids are older all our time is spent with them as a family. We pretty much fall asleep at night before they do! A whole new dynamic and ballgame for sure.

Tuesday night we go to the Sweethearts New Year party…then a nice New Year breakfast with Didi..the the Sweethearts and the Holidays coming up for a day and night to Trent very spontaneously planned and then Beauty and I meet Caro6 and daughter for tobogganing  and a total catch up chat for us (we will leave the girls tobogganing!)

Lots of busyness and not much down time but between it all there are down moments and I treasure both.

 

Christmas was amazing. The holiday part the best. I love my work-and because of that and the energy that gets put there….I cherish our time off even more .Every precious moment of it.

 

Was a great Christmas…Exactly what we all neededJ

My Smiling Buddha

 

I got a smiling Buddha for Christmas. From my Mommy. He was on my X-mas list.

He is big and gold and is now sitting on my fireplace mantel at home. He is sitting on a big sack of blessings and reaching towards the sky to receive more abundance. I love him.

My Mom gave him to me because she knew I needed him. He was hers and she loved him too. Now he is mine.

He is the first thing I have ever had that I have the feeling I could actually picture myself praying too or believing in. I just finished a book right now called “Geoff the Buddha and I”. Caro6 lent  this book to me over 6 months ago and I saved it for the perfect moment. Two weeks ago was the perfect moment and I read it.

Buddhism is the very first religion I have ever been exposed to that holds any meaning for me. Important messages without all the religious stuff that makes me stop listening right from the beginning in other religions with all the rules and constraints and priests and bishops and stuff that really really does not resonate with me and turns me completely off the fundamental messages between this stuff. Buddhism is the first religion I have read about that could resonate with me. Could it? Would it? Who knows right? All I know is that I love my smiling Buddha and I will pray to him whether I am religious or not.

In the book I finished it talks about a moment that changes everything in your life. Your Karma of sorts. A moment that defines your life. Well just as I finished that part my moment happened.

The man I was in bed with who was already asleep (my husband) started violently choking. Then he proceeded to throw up very violently in his mouth. The he began throwing up very violently all over the bed, the floor, the door, the handle of the door, the sink, the toilet and my toothbrush (all out of his mouth).

It was not gastro nor was it some kind of holiday drunken stupor either. It was a bad bad case of indigestion and acid reflex.

Was that my Buddhist moment? Certainly not.

What happened next was.

A houseful of guests listening to this circus downstairs. And me weeping on the stairs. I have a thing with puke-I am scared of it. And if I see it I throw up right on top of it myself making the barf situation considerably worse. So usually I just fall very silent and weep on the stairs or in the nearest corner. It is not very effective or helpful.

My children realize this about me. My husband has been the only provider of all puke and diarreah cleaning for as many years as I can count. He takes over the to do lists in this area always.

Bear hears his Dad puking and comes upstairs. Paper towels and all-purpose cleaner in hand.

“I am cleaning this all up” he says assessing the damage of the third floor.

“No way! I can do it Sweetie!” I say (weeping on stairs)

“No I am doing it. I am doing this for Dad. He has always cleaned up after me when I puke and now it is my time to clean up his puke”

“OMG!”I shout

“Move Mom.Nothing you can say will stop me. I WANT to do this”

And so Bear gets to work with his paper towels and cleaners, his own feet sitting in the barf. Scrubbing away with love and determination. When he is finished he tucks his Father into bed and goes down and gets two garbage’ bags one for the smelly garbage and one for the smelly towesl. He ties up both bags and tells us that he didn’t want it to smell in the morning for us, checks on his Dad again (who is perfectly fine by this point) and gives us kisses goodnight. Then he heads back to bed himself.

Hubby are both left in shock and bewildered.

And I realize that this is my Karma. It happened at the precise moment that I read about it. What happened that night are way too many things to articulate. Way too many things to share. Way too beautiful and way too scary to fully make sense of. But to give you a slight essence here were a few things swirling in my mind:

We created an angel/ this is not a child he is a Buddha/ Would he clean up my barf?/ Gosh he loves his Dad/ Gosh they need their Dad/ I wish I was not weeping / A child should not be doing this for a parent/ What kind of child does this for their parent?/ People need to be together when they are sick and not alone/ I  can’t believe I did not change the sheets of this barfed in bed/This is a sign for January /What does this mean?/ I don’t want our kids picking up the barf/ I would never have done this for my Mom and Dad/ I was never taught to nurture/ I am a horrible nurturer/ This is a sign of true love/ This is so so scary/ This is so so beautiful/  Hubby is a way better father than I am mother/ I hope if one of us ever dies it is me and not him/ What did Bear do this?/ Will this be the theme of our lives?/ What does this say about our family?/ I need Caro6 advice/ I need my Buddha/ I am changed/ Bear did not wash his feet.

So that was our moment. That was my Karma.

And in conclusion I realized that to really be successful…to really finish the symphony the orchestra  that has been written for me over all these years.To really feel complete and whole in myself:

I need to be able to clean up the puke. I need to live the puke process fully. I need to accept it and be there and live it. I need to both live the puke and detach from the puke. (All metaphorical as did you really think I was going to mop it all up in the future??)

I can totally hear my mentors voice in my head right now “Yup Tarina…time to clean up the barf-you know it”

For me to fully appreciate all the angels in my life (Bear starring as number #1) I need to be able to clean up all the puke. Together. As a unit. As much as my heart and soul and body resist it they all know it too.

It’s my time to learn how to nurture.

And that my friends is my Buddhist moment.

 

PS-It was confirmed this morning that this truly was the Karma when the utterly beautiful post I wrote about this yesterday night was deleted in error. The world insisted I have to write it twice  to ensure I understand and remember the meaning)

The Shift- Part 2

 

In Turks and Caicos 6 weeks ago I made the decisions after reading an inspiring book about weightloss and eating that I was shifting.

Not to the traditional” I will eat less and exercise more” mentality….but to the intuitive type of eating mentality that I know works for me. And I did. Right there in the middle of my vacation. And since then it has been effortless….easy …and successful.

I know that for me moderation is everything and deprivation is failure. And I need to remember that in my shift. And so far I finally have. And my goal is not major weightloss it is maintenanc for a lifetime and a bit of weight loss and shaping my body through yoga and muscle building and walking consistently.

Well so far I am very happy. The shift mentally formulated 6 weeks ago but the exercise commitments way before that. Has been a year now doing yoga..and lots of walking..and strength training consistently. I like what I see. No one else would probably notice too much. But I do and it feels amazing. My hips are slimmer…my clothes fit way better. I feel back to what I was about 4 yrs ago…which is comfortably satisfied and comfortable in my body. And I am satisfied with that.

Would I love to be slimmer? Sure! But the cost benefit doesn’t pay off for me (aka starving and being at the gym instead of working and with family). I take this curvy body and embrace it. And now? It looks great. Pretty much anything I put on I am back to liking again. That toning and 6 pounds make a huge difference for me. And my goal is to stay there for the rest of my life.

 

Through the rules I made for myself through the shift. To just listen to my voice inside around food. It has been a week of candy and cupcakes and Xmas logs and gelato and guess what? I truly don’t care! I eat some and never have seconds. I never take chocolate unless dessert and there is no temptation. Tell me I can’t have it and that is all I think about all day long.

I am naturally not a big snacker or sweet person (French fries are another story). I need to use my intuition. And I need to accept that maintenance vs losing is the goal for me. And embrace that.

And it influences me to help a close friend right now that is going through a hard time. Her husband is struggling with problem drinking and they are trying to find solutions. They are deciding between the route of abstaining, recovery and AA to moderation management and harm reduction recovery. This shift stuff I have shared with her ….and she has been listening. Clearly being addicted to drinking is different than enjoying food…but I think they share some common elements and I found this interesting to share with her in case sheds some light on their own difficult decisions.

The shift. I love it. I feel proud. I feel really pretty lately. I feel great and good and back to a part of myself that I missed for a bit.

A good way to start the new year.