I knew it would be a great evening when I saw her sitting
at the kitchen counter at the cottage sipping her hot chocolate with a straw. She
looked so domestic and so sweet. So capable. Then she proceeded to put her
apron on, cut her daily pomegranate, put it is a bowl, keep her apron on and
come and cuddle by the fire and eat it.
I looked at my daughter on Jan 1…..really really looked
at her..and saw the woman she would be..the wife she will be…mainly the mother
she will be one day. I saw her there in that little apron eating her pomegranate,
with her daintily necklace around her dainty neck, her 4 bracelets jingling. I
am always in awe of her petite and thin and lean and long and tall and muscular
body. What her body will look like as a woman. I picture her opening the door
to us on Sunday dinners and welcoming us in her apron with her little chain
around her neck having just finished a bunch of baking and craft projects with
her many children and animals in tow. Having just finished a busy week of work
but pulling off the stay at home mom thing effortessly. Her little small apron
answering the door to us.
My daughter is..something else. But that is not what got
my attention. It was that I was fully present..that I noticed. January 1 started off
well because of this. I am by far by best when I am patient and present.
And January 1 is when I get the biggest insights ever
into who my children are. Who they really are. Christmas does not give me that
insight..nor does Easter or birthfays. New year’s does. January 1 is a day that
is special to all of us for some weird reason. It just happened on its own and
grew into that. There was no trying to find a special tradition or
orchestrating any of it. –it just did . It just is.
I will never travel at Christmas and New Years holidays. Everything
I want is at this cottage. Everything my family needs is at this cottage.
I think the core
all of us our just really intimate family cozy people. We all love the time off
at the holidays more than all the hoopla about it. Our fave parts are just
doing nothing and watching movies and hanging out. Some how new years turned
into this for us. Sure the party Dec 31 is fun….but January 1 is even better. We
have lunch with my Mom and it is always so nice. Then we just take our time
coming back to cottage. Have no dinner. Just snack on whatever is around. Nothing
special and nothing planned.
And then it is our “backward forward” tradition that lights
up my heart like nothing else in the year does. They all take it so seriously
(the only time of year they really focus and commit in this way). We look back
in the book. We look forward. We do our individual lists and share with each
other.
And who amazes me most is my husband. Year after year. I
am never ever prepared for what he says. I could never have guessed it. And how
little of his life centers around me (not in a bad way). But in a way that is
foreign to my psyche and my understanding of him. For my kids lists either..so shocking, so beautiful.
So uniquely them. All of us…and so easily shared the most intimate parts of our
lives and secrets, our needs not met, the moments that were. Exposed. Raw,
Beautiful.
Moments of 2013 of people wanting more in friendships,
deep desires of achievement, cherishing reuniting with a person that has been
missed, wanting the spotlight, having the spotlight, wanting a best friend,
having a best friend, wanting more adventure, needing more quality time,
reflecting on a problem that has become bigger than us, health and safety
always top of everyone’s lists…and on and on and on and on…
And I love that I don’t lead this. Nothing of me makes this happen. We all make it happen
together. There are none of my values
being taught, or values that I think are
good for them to learn. It is all about us as individuals. And this has always
been my dream to see my family capable of this. Without me. Maybe Because of me but without me?
When I saw them all last night I realized how proud I am
of where we are as a family. It may only be one night a year that everyone could
be so open and focused and quiet and serious and committed to this-but that one
night means everything. There may be chaos and farting and laughing and wrestling
and bossiness and drama and non-ability to focus all the other days…but on this
day….somehow it all works out and comes together.
And I realize….that everything I have always wanted for
them all..and for myself is already there. It all was heard and soaked in and digested.
And it all plays out in the beautiful candlelit room on the first day of the
year.
I look at them all and feel so in love. So in love with
the people that are being uncovered. Who I partially know but also have no clue
about. And I feel excited to keep on unwrapping and discovering each one of them
little by little.
The
only gifts that have any meaning to me are all sitting in that room. Waiting
for me to have the courage and strength to unwrap fully.
