Conclusion of the Dream-Nightmare

 

The woman sweetly told the man the next day of her dream..how symbolic it was for her and how meaningful. She felt good to be so vulnerable and share the depths of her heart with him even if it was really hard for her and not in her comfort zone.

At first it looked like their might be tears coming to the corners of his eyes…it looked like he was profoundly touched and altered form this disclosure.

Then the wife realized the husband was beginning to laugh as he said “I know what that dream means!!!!”

 

And the wife says “What?” (feeling a little scared)

And he says “It was that husband running and running and running far away from his wife!”

Yes well ok that is another interpretation I guess. Thanks for sharing husband.

Dream Come True

It was a four hour never ending dream. Or nightmare maybe.

There was a man and a woman and they were on a trip. An exotic trip. They were married 18 yrs and having so much fun splashing on the beach.

And then the war started and people started shooting at them..an army of black African man in little straw skirts started shooting them with guns and bow and arrows.

Shooting everyone on the trip.

Everyone was dying off

The husband and wife were injured but kept getting away from the bad men. Until the bad men would find them again and shoot them down again.

The dream went on and on and on. Most of the dream was the two people lying on top of each other barely able to speak and bleeding and having now words and no voice..waiting and scared and shot. Knowing they could not move.

And then…they guard left his watch suddenly for 30 seconds and the husband noticed and he got up and said “this is my chance to escape” and he ran and ran and ran and ran deliberately and powerfully like Forrest Gump across the field and the jungle into the night. It was amazing and powerful.

But he did not take his wife. He did not even look back. He ran and ran and ran and ran.

But she was not sad the wife…she did not feel abandoned. She felt his strength. She felt him change and come alive. Come back to him. She knew he was not her Protector anymore. He was running for his children as fast as he could. Because someone has to get home to them and protect them. He thought he would make a good choice. He could see that now. He could understand that it was not only his wife who could go home to the children-it was him too.

And so she got up too and ran and ran and tried to follow him. He never looked back as there was no time to waste but she ran and ran and she caught up with him. And they were running alongside each other and partners running towards the same cause.

They found safety together. They got home to their children. He was not her Protector anymore because there was nothing to protect her from anymore. He was strong again. She did not need protection.

He gave her strength instead. That was what she needed.

They were both happy.

It wasn’t a nightmare anymore.

She was safe.

He had saved her by saving himself first

It was the best dream she ever had.

Homechooling ,SAHM and Siblings

I am a very opinionated person when it comes to parenting. So are a lot of the authors that I read their parenting blogs. It’s kind of comes with the territory of having a family or parenting blog…the shyer wishy washy people out there somehow don’t seem to get their own blogs. If they do people don’t seem to read them.

About half of the parenting blogs I read agree with my parenting advice more or less. Another half completely different perspectives. I learn from all of them equally.

There was a few this week that struck me. One of them probably the most opinionated blog person on the planet (and that is ME saying that). Totally totally different than me-but I love reading her blog and her advice. In her mind SHE is right. About everything. We could not be more different. She has 6 kids..nursed all of them until two years old…slept with them in her bed except for naps until they were three…considers homeschooling them (but has not) and is a stay at home mom who adamantly believes that working outside the home when you have children is a strict no- no. She is also a strict catholic.

 

But I still relate to her. She is a Mommy first and foremost. So am I. I love the ways she tells people what to do. Love her direct style.

She also provides some very interesting research  (which like today depresses me a little) but she is nevertheless a good source of information and education.

On one of the blogs she linked hers up to the reader said many very respected studies show a strong strong correlation between a mother staying home and a child’s overall happiness over a lifetime..not childhood a lifetime! )The second indicator was happiness  in a lifetime goes up for the child with every sibling for them born.

 

Well the study on stay at home moms depressed me bc clearly I don’t stay at home. The sibling one..made me feel good although I wish in this case I would have gone for a forth. As they always say “harder on the parent but easier on the child” .Don’t I know it!!!!!! It’s hard to be the only child of my Mom (two half-brothers) No one to share my life with in this area.

But I was wondering did this study take into account the moms who would go Crazy if they stayed at home with their kids???????????? I mean at this age where they are at as pre-teen and teens I could easily do it. Would actually be fun! But with little kids (not babies)…is it that much fun? Not for me it isn’t. I would be bald because I would pull my hair out.

 

But as teens could do it for real. My daughter has had so many doctor apts and events lately that she has to miss school for that it almost feels she is homeschooled and I am not working (ok slight exaggeration as I have maybe missed 4 hrs. a week and so has she) but since my brain thinks so much about her  Feels like my other 60 hrs Of “real work” don’t countJ))

Today I thought…I love being with my teens so much I could so much not work! (ps that would last a week) Does thinking about being a stay at home mom count for anything in terms of my kid’s satisfaction in life or do I actually have to do something about it?

Anyways I love learning. I love being criticized as much as I like being supported on my blog. I love leaving supportive comments for other blogger as much as I love leaving the “WTF???” ones.

It’s all good. As long as I learn every day. And do something with my learning.Put it somehow into action. Even when it depresses me.

 

If you see me Preggo with twins, homeschooling.. And having lost my mind know that it is that study’s fault!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Blame it on the Fish

After the major heat of our family breakdown session was subsiding our Protector asked the question? A very logical one:

“What happened to our family? What has changed?”

Bear, who had literally slipped through the radar for three hours while his brother and sister got screamed at, who sat crouched on the kitchen chair in a near fetal position..eyes diverted trying as hard as he could to disappear from the madness….says his first sentience all evening:

“Everything changed the day we got the fish. It’s the fish”

Beauty looks at him and says “yes I agree-it was Dec 17^th..it all changed”

Chase said “no it was when Mom started reading blogs and tons of parenting books ”

“No it was when Dad stared screaming at us a few months ago and disciplining us more

My Protector did not have a reason to attribute to all of this.

For me personally it was when our housekeeper of many years left last summer that everything  started going downhill.

All goes to show- as my Mom pointed out-the human mind wants a reason for chaos and pain. We seek to find something logical in our laced mass of suffering. A fish..a book …a dirtier toilet..Whatever will make sense works for us.

Poor Cotton Eye Joe got blamed for it this time. The next day we set out to clean out his mucky aquarium and set him in a new place in the family room. Pain is part of us. So is Joy. We will keep our fish and love him

Truth from the mouth of babes. If only it was a simple as blaming the last few months on a fish.

I do agree wholeheartiedly agree however that Dec 17 2013 is pretty much when it all changed. When we all changed. And we will never go back.

Nor do I estimate after all is said and done..will we ever want to.

 

As I lay in my final relaxation pose in yoga tonight-I realized back is not where I want to go. I will continue moving forward, chaos, madness, joy and pain all lovingly enveloping the lives we were meant to lead.

 

Namaste.

 

 

Keeping It Real

 

I feel like a hypocrite with my last two posts being about Joy and Flow.

Joy and Flow? One would not have said that looking at my family last night. Nope.

We had a family breakdown. Our first real one yet I would say. Hit family rock bottom. We had ordered in Kojax and literally none of us took a bite. We screamed, we cried, we pulled hair (ok.. I pulled my son’s hair three times). PS Screw you if you no longer want to read my book!

 

And this lasted 3.5 hrs. I kid you not. It was HORRIBLE.  And it was caused by pure pain. Each in our own way-each in our own prison. All coming together because it happened to be a Friday night that we were all home and had no idea what to do with ourselves to relax. Relax? Did we used to do that? How do you do that?

Anyways it was HELL. So much was not said, so much was said, and feelings came out, anger, sadness, pain, worry. I have never seen anything like it. I have never felt so much guilt ever.

I stayed up all night full of guilt, a huge headache and pain.

But you know what? It had to happen. Just like joy had to come one day..and my flow had to come. This had to happen too. And it will happen again.

It’s what is called a Family.

We heard the truth last night and so did the kids. We needed to talk about it.

And through it all-I felt like I had a true partner. We did this together. We created this big mess and we cleaned it up together too. We were equals in parenting. Equally flawed and equally successful.

Life this year is nothing at all like it was last year. One day I will have the guts to tell you why. In public.

 

We had our breakdown last night (and I mean BAD)…and this morning we had a group hug in bed.

So this morning as I read my usual blogs about chocolate chip cookies, and temples, and faces smiling into the camera…I wonder what happened at their table yesterday?

Was it perfect like the blog? Or did they lie? To us..and to themselves?

I am not a pretender.

 

This…is Family. This is Life. This is my Life. I choose to Share it with you.

Found My Flow

 

 

Today and tonight I feel completely and utterly blessed to be living the life I am living. And it has been a while that I have not felt this, so it is a warm and comforting feeling. I am welcoming it back with open arms.

And it was a tough and rough day like so many over the last months. We had our third major hospital visit for Beauty and it was overwhelming with information, talk about braces and efficacy, changing our minds and going for a hard core nighttime brace for bed and spinencor in the day, discussing potential surgeries in case she progresses. It was hard. And scary.

But I felt my “flow “come back. I felt ME come back. I was what I call “being in my flow” with it..organized..smart..educated…articulate..clear ..Concise in all of my questions and comments. Welcome back Flow..I have missed you for months now. Aww….

The nurse even asked me after if I was a doctor!!!

I left there less scared than I usually am. I only cried once in the office for 5 mins and was able to gain control over myself. I was able to discuss surgery without losing it completely and hyperventilating. I was mainly calm cool and collected. I actually had adrenaline pumping through my body…almost in positive away hearing about the Tethering cutting edge surgery that will revolutionize scoliosis one day. It is in its infancy stages but will someday allow patient’s spines to remain tethered vs fused and more flexible.

I appreciated the hunger in the young surgeons eyes as he discussed this new surgery. His aggressivity and passion impressed me. His bedside manner did not. He to me is a true surgeon. Cool, calculated. Direct. Passionate , Hungry, committed.

 

And tonight might be one of the most beautiful nights of my life so far. It is my daughter’s “We have your Back” party that I organized for the 10 girls.

I did this???

This is so so  beautiful. I can’t believe I am getting to experience this.

If Beauty did not have a curved spine I would not have organised this..I would not get to be part of this…these girls would not be talking about this stuff…

I would not have gotten to see them all with tears in their eyes when Beauty explained what it felt like at the “bracing moment” (the moment a girl gets a brace on and knows this is her new home for her body for three years..)

I would not have seen them put the brace on my daughter with such care-all huddled around her protecting and nurturing her

I would not have seen them fight for which three got to try on the brace and dance with it (or try too!)

I would not have heard their answers to my questions “How do you feel as her friends though this? How do you think Beauty feels? How do you think I as a parent feel? I loved all their beautiful thoughtful and honest answers.

I would not have gotten to see them play on the piano and sing all together in perfect unison.

I would not have seen dance after dance after dance. Their graceful lovely bodies swaying to the beats

I got to see the group hug the gave Didi after story time.

Or the way they all promised me that they would support my daughter no matter what.

I would not have seen the tears slide down the cheek when one girl got nervous trying on the brace and her telling me she loved me afterwards for giving her this experience to “try something hard”

 

Or when one of the girls after me giving a speech on how we should never hide what is different about us but show it off with pride to the world..admitting candidly to the group that she has ADHD and on medication and wanted now all her friends to know.

I got to see my daughter in her perfect splendor. At her very best and most vulnerable. I got to see how she is seen through their eyes

I got to see the impact I had on these girls. The impact my daughter has on them. I got to see them all change before me and record this night in their minds forever. I am not sure they have ever heard such honesty form an adult..i told it like it is. No sugar coating.

I got to teach them and coach them and preach to the to be proud of their bodies and differences and souls. I think I impacted their lives in a big big way tonight.

I felt the vibe of making a difference. For me..for them..for Beauty.

I saw them give her a totally unexpected and beautiful gi with the most beautiful card ever.

This. This evening. These moments..are what I live for. What we should all live for and strive for.

Not for perfection. Or perfect health. Or a perfectly straight spine.

THIS. HERE. NOW. THIS moment that I almost didn’t get to have. That she almost didn’t get too have.

That I almost wished away. For her..for me

 

I am welcoming life back into my heart. I am taking it all. Each beautiful precious wonderful thrilling scary moment of this journey that was given to us as a gift that we can unwrap one lovely moment at a time…if we can find it in our strength to do it.

And this journey that was given to us to live? We are going to make sure to live it to its fullest . Of that  I am  now sure.We are ready to take this on now and make it more beautiful than anyone could ever expect. We are going to move mountains this girl of mine and me. Together. Who would have known?

And “Embrace” it every beautiful and painful and heartbreaking step of the way. And take every moment of  lovely out of it until we have sucked that lovely dry. Crisis has a way of taking the lazy out of life. Has a way of waking us up pretty quickly out of complacency.

“When Man Plans-God Laughs”

,..and that is why we need to take the unexpected “curves” and twists of life and not only resist them but embrace them. Life never makes us any promises-we just pretend when things are going “well” that it is meant to stay that way. Especially for us. Bas things happen to other people right?

Trust me…it doesn’t  stay that way. Each day is different. And unique. Deal the hands you are dealt

With as much fucking grace as possible.

Only then..will you find your way back to joy and joy will find it’s way back to you.

Welcome back Tarina. Welcome back Me.

Let it all flow through me again.

I Choose Joy

Given to me by Soulkeeper as a constant reminder of mindfulness. We can always choose Joy

Me on vacation-finally feeling happy again. Best vacation. For both of us. It should be mandatory we both agreed that ever mom takes a girls only vacation every year!!!

soulmates on the beach. This was a reflection of every minute of every day. Happy, together and relaxed.

sideways but who the hell cares

Me. A new era? Being me no matter what the circumstances? Being in the moment? Not putting thoughts in the heads of those I love? holding everyone capable? Letting her body guide her perfect path? Acceptance? am I there yet.? I very possibly am.