Today I get to Like Easter

 

I am having fun. We are celebrating today.

We can’t be too hard on ourselves because when you have a kid who is hurting-trust me it’s hard to enjoy anything. But last night she slept and this morning she smiledJ and that was all we needed to enjoy. There is a direct correlation for us. Health and happiness of child equals our happiness. I don’t know many parents who can experience that differently do you?

So I wish I could post the picture of my three chickadees with their Easter baskets they have had since they were tiny kiddies (two blue and one pink of course ). But Chase told me if I posted it…he would murder me. Not taking chances now that he is 3 inches taller than me.

Kids slept in until 11:15pm except Beauty up early from the first night brace of course. Hubby prepared this awesome and very difficult scavenger hunt for the big chocolate bunny each. Each had their own scavenger hunt (ps I am married to a saint).  Then the kids went in basement while we hid 55 plastic eggs stuffed with candy and loonies (20 dollars’ worth). We have a very big property at cottage full of forests and streams and hills and snow. It was truly beautiful to watch them hunt.

I felt so grateful for nature today. For me it’s not about Jesus it’s about the water and the sound of it, the lakes the snow melting, the trees and the crisp smell of spring .Easter is about renewal of seasons for me.

I renewed our cottage by cleaning up some of the chaos and Hubby is cooking up a storm of course for Easter brunch (eggs benedict and cheese dreams). Last night it was surprise dinner for Beauty and they made homemade lasagna and caser salad and angel cake cupcakes. I feel blessed. And full.

Today after Easter Brunch it is the traditional Easter walk as a family (traditional as in only happens once a year on Easter that they would agree to all walk with us I am betting). We go make a wish with our loonies in our stream which happens to be on someone else’s private property. They are all rule breakers like their Mom. And don’t go getting any crazy ideas that we calmly walk to the streams hand in hand-it is always chaos when we walk as a family (once a year)…since they were little they push each other and call each other names and giggle and be loud and be obnoxious wrestle and throw snow-and they still do ..Nothing has ever changed and nothing ever will. They are brothers and sister to the bone. We always want to get very far away from them all toward the middle to end of our walks (sometimes even the beginning)

 

And then it is homework after 10 days off school and CV writing to prep for a year or three from now –we can never plan enough for the future. Then tonight my Mom’s place for a nice dinner together for Easter.

Plenty of hugs from my Hubby and nice moments together as a couple who is having a hard weekend.

Our daughter may have scoliosis and it might depress us and depress her at many times-but we have a bounty of blessings to be grateful for. One of them is coming up this Thursday .  Hubby and I will need a box of tissue each to get though her presentation at my company. I am not sure I will ever feel as proud as when she will dance with that brace on.

Mostly I am grateful for all our ordinary days. The ones especially where the five of us our together. This family life and the ordinary days with them-are for me the best it can get. Nothing could ever replace it-not would I ever let it.  

And I continue to feel liberated at the cottage-as we walk today or any day I go for a walk I always bundle up in layers of clothes and shed them on trees along the way. A hat hear-a scarf here-a sweater here. Then I collect them on the way back. And we all wear ANYTHING here. Nothing matches-nothing looks good-everything is mismatched and silly and it has always been in terms of clothes here. Often we go to bed in the same clothes we wake up in. Today they all wore 10 dollar Canadian tire Billy boots and I wore my Hunters of course (with the ugliest coziest outfit I could find)

I love that here we are ourselves with no one to impress here. I love that we have no friends here and no one looking or caring. so different than our city life.

 

Tonight like last night we will say grace since a Sunday or a holiday, we like doing-it makes us feel good. For us I don’t think it is about God or Jesus (or maybe it is for some and others not).it is about gratitude and taking the time to acknowledge our blessings and our hopes.

Between the kid’s likely bad manners and full mouths we will pray for the three people this year who need it the most.  Beauty for health, Hubby for continued courage and strength and Didi for health. Once these three hopes are under control-we will be able to enjoy the holidays fully again

 Until then we watch and wait and pray to the forests and the streams.

Update on the Big "S"

This is a boing blog title as I feel I don’t have a creative bone in my body right now. This Easter weekend I am not much in the festive mood. I am trying to be though.

A Jehovah witness nearly cornering me in my own driveway today while I was talking three minutes for myself soaking up the sun and reading a magazine really did me in.This was really really really  not cool. Pretty please go away and never ever come back?

Tonight we are trying to find an Easter movie to watch and Netflix has nothing except Charlie Brown’s Easter.Pitiful Maybe I should have asked the missionaries to stay a little longer and teach us about Easter?

Both of these incidents have led me to the same conclusion. I am not in a mood for any holidays right now. Not even for chocolate-although our big Easter hunt is tomorrow.Hopefully tonight some festivity will make its way into my soul.

Right now we are consumed with scoliosis. I try to accept and make peace and be ok. I try to make it all beautiful. But it is hard. Really really really hard sometimes. It’s hard to watch this constant obstacle make its way into my daughter’s formally peaceful  and easier life. It’s hard to watch my girl at this already difficult age have to struggle to often both physically and mentally deal with this. This weekend I am in a bad place about it all.

We got the new protocol on Friday. The new night brace. I feel like no one around me understands. I don’t see how anyone really could remotely understand what this is like.

You see when you have a kid who has something like this-it just never goes away…it is like a heavy weight that you constantly carry…it totally sucks. While everyone around you seems to come in and out of happiness and sadness and obstacles and joys –just like you used to..you daughter will always have scoliosis and always have to deal with this. You are alone with this.

It’s hard enough having a 12 yr old girl with an attitude and very hormonal. Throw in a night brace that literally rotates the spine to 100 percent correction for 8 hrs.…and then who can barely sit up in the morning after brace is off  as she is so scared her back will break in two.. who has to get up and put on yet another brace for the entire day..it seems like too much.

And what has brought this bout of sadness on for me and she this weekend? Struggle. Change. The new protocol. Anytime something shifts it is so damn hard. We were finally getting usedd to the Spincor and now this. We know it is the right thing to do, but no one ever said that the right thing was the easy thing did they? And change with bracing is mental and physical torture for her. My heart breaks juts watching what it does to her.

 

She is such a trooper-but she has angry feeling about this. Who wouldn’t? She wrote us a letter the other day that nearly broke my heart about how hard all this is and how she can’t express it to us except for in writing. She can’t talk about the letter. Scoliosis has taken my already difficult daughter in many ways and hidden her inside of herself even more.

So Easter is hard this year. Yes it is.

Tomorrow we will do the Easter hunt….and have fun. We did a cabane a Sucre with Hubbys family in the sun. But my heart is with scoliosis and nothing and no one else.

And this week we will both go back to beautiful. Thursday my company has invited Beauty to come do a presentation on scoliosis, on the brace, she will show a video she made on the brace and do and in brace dance and an out of brace dance. I expect it will be one of the most memorable days of our family’s lifetime and probably the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

But despite that today I don’t feel “that I get to have this beautiful” tonight I feel sad that “this is the way we have to achieve it”

Tonight is her first night in the brace all night. At the lowest tightness that will increase over a 10 day period. I feel scared. Of tonight..of the future..and everything that is ahead.

I feel scared that I will never ever again be able to truly give a rats ass about spilled milk like I used to.

Tomorrow is a new day

Keeping it Real.

Sleep is Now on List

This has been a long goal of mine. To make sleep during the week some type of priority. Maybe not top priority but a priority of some sorts.And I have never fully succeeded. Partially here end there. Inconsistent. Randomly. Not ritualized. Basically total fail.

Weekends have never been an issue- I could sleep my life away then. Weekdays? No time for sleep.

Until my Dominican Vacation that is. Soul keeper and I slept up a storm! Went to sleep by 11:30pm and slept until 10am most days. And we voted that we had to both sleep more at home. Why? Because we felt so much better is why. More relaxed, healthier, calmer. (I am sure the margaritas, beaches, no kids and no work also contributed)

Anyways since back now on my fourth week….I now sleep 7 hrs. A night most night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Consistently! I actually choose sleep to other activities! I actually don’t resent it! I even wash my face and put cream on before falling into my heavenly slumber!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I love it. I hope I can keep this up. Will be harder with the warm either as so much more to fit into a day. But for now I am proud. I am listening to my body.

And even exercise too-my body and mind now crave certain types of it (miracle). I don’t go for walks in the morning anymore to hopefully shed some pounds or too look more toned (although clearly love that too if it ends up being an outcome!). I walk outside to feel the air and see the lake, watch the change of seasons and hear the birds. My body craves this in the morning now although many times no time to fit it in and I actually feel sad about it!

And yoga…the power yoga is more of an effort because tought physically but still like it a lot. But Restorative yoga??? OMG! Fridays 4:30-6:00pm I await. I even went today on a holiday…I think I must be losing my mind-or suddenly getting a mind after all these years.

 

I know when my husband in the last year has struggled with various issues I have always known the solution was so much simpler than it seemed. It’s been high time that I take my own advice and apply it to my life In 2014 I seem to be on that path-and despite many obstacles and major challenges very happy in many ways.

Make each day count. Make the sum of all parts beautiful. Sleep a lot…do things you like often…listen to what you like to do and do it as much as possible. For no real goal..Except to feel good and be happy. Life is so full of so many things that are hard-try to make the things that are not too hard easier. And the things that are hard try to make as pleasurable as possible (take your daughter’s friend to the hospital with you…have a ceaser wrap on the way back , stop for a smoothie, )

 

In my days now there are many simple things that add up to wonderful somehow by the end of it most days .There are no purposes to these things:

Sleep

Putting soft moisturizer on my face and my feet

Different body washes

Big hugs

Saying thank you

Texting and connecting with my BFFs and family

Writing this blog

Working, working and working (which I love)

Eating intuitively and listening to my body

Walking outside

Looking pretty

Wearing lip-gloss

Learning so much about medicine and hospitals

Being grateful

Forgiveness

Watching my children grow into young adults

Watching TV shows with my Hubby

Making tons lists and goals

Being able to let those I love live their lives and me not live it for them

Saying thank you as sweetly and as often as possible (lately three people have commented how I say “thank you”. It’s because I don’t take life for granted anymore. I say it a lot.

 

And much much much much more…

 

But I sure an grateful that sleep has made it on my to do list

It’s amazing as then I don’t have to hear Hubby snore all night as I am asleep first1

My Middle Man

 

They always say being the middle child in a family sucks.

In our family I have not personally found this to be true (although I am not the middle child so what do I know!)

I find each of our kids taking turn randomly of having it suck for them.

And each takes their turn of having the glory.

Usually it has to do with who is the sickest, most needy and who is having surgery that brings them the most attention and grace and glory.

Having a bad attitude, being alienated from the family, not caring about schoolwork or not  putting in the effort, and not being cooperative for chores often makes your life suck a bit around here.

But by the simple act of the being the middle child? Not around here.

Until last night.

When I forgot he existed.

Literally.

And then I forgot that I forgot he existed. Even worse.

It’s been a crazy week around here this week with both boys off school for the week and us working a lot a lot a lot. They are too old now for sitters etc..so a weird thing to be at work all day (and evenings too sometimes) and have your two teens rule the house. Friends in and out, sleepovers, dinners and watching games at cage aux sport until 11pm , pizza at Gigis with a bunch of friends ….others days quiet times at home computers, GTA, chores, relaxing, more chores . It goes on an on.

Well last night I guess my brain just decided it had too much to take. Too many kids.

So I forgot about one of them apparently.

One was home safely studying Science with her Dad. Check.

One I went to get in village with two new friends.He introduced one to me and said “He is gay”. Ok.

Then the others somewhere around 8pm I knew was out at Cage aux Sports watching the game and paying for his own chicken wings with a bunch of friends and I vaguely remembered a mom saying she was bringing him back here.

And then I forgot about him.

There is was 10:30pm and I was in pjs and falling asleep to the sounds of Modern Family and Hubby says “Is Bear coming home tonight?”

OMG! Bear!

So I text him. And he did not text back right away and I forgot about him again and fell asleep on the couch. OMG Worst mother of the year award pls nominate me???

He came home 40 mins later and I just pretended all was normal and fine and dandy. That I had been anxiously waiting for his arrival (given that this was the first time my 14 yr. old went clubbing!!!!

Anyways last night being the middle child must have sucked? Or was he happy that I am so confident in him that he does not need to be on my usually somewhat neurotic radar? Who knows how he feels?

And unfortunately I won’t have time to ask him as I have to get to work-while he will sleep in until 11am.

He knows I love him so much I could eat him up. My middle manJ

Carved out Corner

 

Carved out Corner

For the last three years I have been researching..asking questions and getting curious about the teen years..from the experts. Books, keynotes and contacts who have something to say on this subjects.

And I intently listen.

Now with a 16, 14 and 12 yr old I am starting to consider that I myself know what I am doing to some degree. Not an expert yet but threading water well enough. So lately clients, colleagues and friends have been asking my advice on the subject. And one question I get a lot is “How is it possible that your teens still want to come to the cottage and spend so much family time together. How do you make that happen?”

Well it is simple the answer and not so magical. But it certainly works magically:

We force them.

Sometimes force it not needed and sometimes it is not.Certainly most weekends the expectation is that they will come with us and that We will spend a lot of family time together.

And if you ask me what has..is and will be the single most important things we have done as a family it is to protect these sacred cottage times together..with our lives. We go to any lengths to protect the, Miss Sports event, miss friend events, miss work events, and miss anything really.

And trust me it’s not a cottage you need. We are blessed to have one (blessed with the cottage, the mortgage and the work that also goes with it!!) But certainly blessed nevertheless to have this haven to escape to every weekend. But these carved out corners can be achieved by dinner table chats, church going, camping in the backyard every Saturday night, and turning off all phone for 48 hrs..You name it. Carve it out and it is yours. Make your weekend count for you and your family.

 

The trick is to have a routine every weekend that does not include the kids friends…where you are not running around carpooling and chauffeuring…drug and alcohol free for the kids Of course….phones not ringing….minimal exposure to texting and Facebook (although in the last two years we allow a few hrs. at night of this) and lots and lots of free time to work together on the house and play together.

We mostly stay in town Friday nights now as out 16 yrs. old always has plans now on Fridays so it is the way that works. So often we come up Saturday mornings. And our Fridays nights are so much less connected, so much less fun and so much less good than the rest of our weekends. We all seem aggravated, disconnected and a bit alienated even at home. I didn’t know why. We are all trying to achieve things, do things and connect-often not to each other. We come up to Trent and literally all the tension dissipates. Often we eat lunch at the way at McDonalds or Tim Hortens and I see the stress melt away. This family adores each other. We fight-we scream- but we all adore each other.

The last two days were amazing with the five of us here. We put all technology bans on from 12-5 both days and made everyone spend it outside. With three teens this is not an easy feat! Again force is our method. Trust me it is totally underused.

They resist and then they enjoy. Chase came for an hour walk with his Dad and I. We threw snow in the streams and watched it melt. We made marks in the snow with sticks, we chatted, laughed and he confided a ton in us about his future and what he sees it in. Breathing the spring air was heavenly and so is being so close to nature. We looked at wood peckers and geese.

The other two kids took a Jacuzzi outside and rolled in the snow then got back in. Bear went and bought a cheap circus toy and spend hours on the gallery playing with it. Beauty and her Dad set up the trampoline where she flipped and flipped to the beat of the music. I read on the sunny deck and then Chase joined me in the sun with a real newspaper since no IPADSs allowed. Hubby putzed around and had fun and picked up garbage and sticks.

At night here they have conversations together because we again ban computers and phones during dinner preparation. I overhear beautiful conversations between the boys:

“Isn’t it weird to think one day we could be old and die?”

“Ya totally scary-that is why we have to live a lot now and have fun”

“Ya fun is good but safe fun because we don’t want to die early-because living is really  f….g good,. I like living so we better not mess up and do stupid things eh?”

“Ya totally-that’s why the other night I didn’t try to pass out at the party-it is dumb”

Ahhhhhhhhhh….music to a parents ears!

And then all the competing and sibling rivalry and bickering that truly get on my nerves but I can handle given the perfectness of the other moments.

Then today rained on and on but we went out to walk anyways and we did in the forest-all five of us. Then we went to the bakery and each chose our favorite pastry or sandwich. Then walked back and Chase drove us back to the cottage! A first. And I felt great joy again that these children, now teens are our people. We love them. Carving out space for them is so important.

I love watching my daughter wrestle with her brother and beat him. I love hearing their laughter in the game there are playing right now with their Dad. Selecting the menu for the weekend and begging for red velvet cupcakes for dessert,. I love the conversations about politics and sex and alcohol. Their curiosity now about adult issues and the exploring we do around them. Yes the conversations are laced with some swearing more and more often here and there trying to be cool-yes that are rude and often reject our point of view..Yes they are lazy and leave their underwear on the bathroom floor all the time.

But…they are here with us. And that is a miracle. And even if we have to force them they are here. And we will make that our mission if it is the only one we have.

Neither of us could ever stay home ever. We adore our work and just being without the kids five days a week is good-they would drive us crazy if we stayed home in the week truly. But we have carved out some damn good family time over the years.

Today we all slept in until 11:15am! No hockey practice, soccer, ringuette or baseball could replace this for me. No extra work on the weekends in the office could equate with these moments. Nothing is more important and these quiet days prove it to me over and over and over and over again.We are lent our children for such a short time of ours and their lifetimes. And I intend to make the moments count. All the good-the bad and the ugly. All of it

Find your space-your place and your corners with your kids and hang on to them as long as humanely possible. Do everything you want and intend to do in the life you have right now and don’t regret later what you could have done.

Teens rock. And anyone who doesn’t think so has spent too many of the Friday disconnected nights that if teens aren’t forced to leave…become the family normal. If I had to live every weekend like many of our Friday nights……I would think the teens years stank.

But here with this carved out corner we have made-were we change into our old cottage clothes and leave our egos at the door. Here where we walk in nature and hold hands and often walk with arms around each other which they would never be caught dead doing in the city…I can honestly say that life…is good. Really really good.

 

And today seeing all three now all taller than me walk in front of us Hubby turned to me and said:

 

“I don’t want them to keep getting older. I want to freeze time. I will miss miss them desperately”

 

And I gave him a look of understanding that said I could not agree more.

Text Junkie?

 

I got wind of my texting usage by seeing my mobility bill and it is much higher in the texting area than peers I am guessing. And that made me think a lot..and reflect and… even laugh a little.

Because it is funny. I am one of the most disciplined people I know when it comes to technology and setting limitations for myself and my family. I am also so technologically backwards and archaic (I have no Facebook, no Twitter, no instagram, NADA because I feel it takes away from my present life) My friends laugh at me all the time about this!!!

But clearly texting is my thing. And being connected is my thing too. So it all stared making sense.

I text a ton when the right moment presents itself. I have times when I text and times when I do not. It is a relaxation thing for me-I could literally send out 100 texts at 11pm at night in short conversations-that is how I do things “ Hi”  “How are you” I love you” Goodnight” Ping! Ping! Ping! And I adore this quick efficient communication of letting people know how much they are on my mind and finding out how much I am on theirs. Let’s just say unlimited texting packages are made for me bc one conversation could be 200 texts of one word each..I love it.

I am the queen of technogy “rules” for myself :

Though shalt not text at dinner ever

Though should not text when there are kids around in family time

Thou shall not text during working time when I need my focus unless in crisis or kids conversations afterschool to check in and have then nice cheerful texting conversation

Thou shalt  always text to take a break for 5 mins after a completion of a big project instead of getting coffee or a chocolate bar from vending making.

Thou shall pee and text simultaneously as needed.

Though shall cuddle thou husband for one hour in bed before connecting with anyone else

Thou shall never text during meetings or have phone on unless it is a hospital calling or someone is in surgery (you can see where my life has been lately!!!)

Thou shalt never ignore the person in front of you for texting

Thou shalt never ever waste a precious moment of life on /facebook, Twitter or Instargram until thou art retired or semi-retired.

I am also the queen of sounds and alerts off unless certain hours of day etc. for minimal distraction. I use my phone for everything. Contacts, notes, second computer screens, photos, agenda, calendars, sending emails. My phone is part of me…if it kept beeping to show me a new email or text I think I would shoot myself!!! So I tune all alerts and displays off and then go crazy at lunch in the stir fry line for 10 mins answering back. I love connecting in the stir fry line. Maybe a bit anti-social to my colleagues but I consider those 10 minutes of waiting my time. I feel I have earned it !

And it is funny to compare myself to others. Maybe others are not big texters but their alerts go off every second in meetings for their email and then answer i! Or during group lunch they email! Or they are on Twitter and Instagram throughout the day or the chat function! Everyone has their own patterns. Modern society has certainly complicated the world hasn’t it?

 

So it was funny to see what an extreme texter I am given all these rules for myself. It was to me a true paradox about myself. Tons of rules for myself..Tons of limitations…but also pure connectedness is very important to me. Productivity in life and Connected are probably the two areas that define me. Texting meets both of these purposes for me as quick and short but connected and frequent…and also allows me to be super productive in my life. Was an interesting epiphany for me.

And I saw how people can easily become addicted to technology if they don’t set limitations for themselves with devices. I saw it for 8 weeks between January and March where I lost control of my own rules for the first time. I was in such state of many personal crisis (three main ones and 2 minor inor ones all simultaneously) that in order to function I texted and texted so much. No boundaries, no rules. Alerts on and ping ping ping I would answer. I needed it like oxygen. I should have listened to my doctor and taken a month of work but I felt I could not do that-so I took the next best thing and had no rules for myself. I abandoned the me who is a perfectionist and so rigid with this stuff. And I kept all the balls in the air successfully. I delivered at work. Delivered at home..Indulged myself to massive comfort and connection. Did I deliver as well as the other months and years of my life? Probably not-but I did my very best. And I worked my ass off to keep these balls in the air…and keep connected. What got left behind were sleep and showers and shopping I would say. Sometimes I would work at night 1-4am! Sometimes I would text at 11am-12pm! It was all messed up those 8 weeks and although I needed it…I hated it an resented it. It was exhausting. Totally exhausting to be so connected with alerts and sounds one indicating the next new message. How does anyone do this long term???? I think during that time I even kept my phone pinging in the car!!!

 

Anyways as a few weeks ago although the things in my life that caused these crisis..are still there…I am in a different place about them now. Thanks God and I am back to my normal ritualized, rule ridden, strict but connected self.

 

I got both great surprise and great pleasure by seeing how much I text. It confirmed to me that I am where I want to be. With not one part of my life sacrificing the other. Delivering..Career woman… high performer ..wife..mom..friend,,,daughter. Delivering and Connecting. What I would want to be known for and respected for when it all comes down to it. Work Hard. Play Hard.

Being able to integrate it all in a way that makes sense. Under my own ritualized and watchful eye of self awareness

 

PS Party

 

So he called for us to come and pick him up a whole hour before his “curfew” (in quotations bc we don’t believe in curfews we believe in setting a time with the teen that makes sense for that particular situation and event, them, their friends and our schedules).

Anyways an hour earlier than we thought he called. On text he said he had a great time-but in reality he said it “sucked”. He said it is not his kind of thing to watch a bunch of people he barely knows get drunk. He seemed distant and pre-occupied and quiet. He did not even mention the “parent bought beers” and I was quite frankly too afraid to ask. Part of me felt happy he didn’t really like this kind of party and another part of me felt sad for him that something he was really looking forward to he did not enjoy. Being a teen is really really hard.

I went to bed really late. Waited for everyone to be asleep. Crept down at 1:30am quietly and opened knapsack. And there they were-both beers…in the plastic bag I had bought them in.

I went and found the best hiding place I could find in the house and hid them

And then I silently patted myself on the back for a job well done that it was me hiding them and not our son. I had achieved what I had set out to do since the day he was born(in this particular situation).

I trusted him and he trusted me. And the three of us that night set the stage for our other two younger children. the expectations were set.

We learned last night how to be parents to teens. Successfully.