Carved out Corner
For the last three years I have been researching..asking
questions and getting curious about the teen years..from the experts. Books,
keynotes and contacts who have something to say on this subjects.
And I intently listen.
Now with a 16, 14 and 12 yr old I am starting to consider
that I myself know what I am doing to some degree. Not an expert yet but
threading water well enough. So lately clients, colleagues and friends have
been asking my advice on the subject. And one question I get a lot is “How is
it possible that your teens still want to come to the cottage and spend so much
family time together. How do you make that happen?”
Well it is simple the answer and not so magical. But it
certainly works magically:
We
force them.
Sometimes force it not needed and sometimes it is not.Certainly
most weekends the expectation is that they will come with us and that We will
spend a lot of family time together.
And if you ask me what has..is and will be the single
most important things we have done as a family it is to protect these sacred
cottage times together..with our lives. We go to any lengths to protect the,
Miss Sports event, miss friend events, miss work events, and miss anything
really.
And trust me it’s not a cottage you need. We are blessed
to have one (blessed with the cottage, the mortgage and the work that also goes
with it!!) But certainly blessed nevertheless to have this haven to escape to
every weekend. But these carved out corners can be achieved by dinner table
chats, church going, camping in the backyard every Saturday night, and turning
off all phone for 48 hrs..You name it. Carve it out and it is yours. Make your
weekend count for you and your family.
The trick is to have a routine every weekend that does
not include the kids friends…where you are not running around carpooling and chauffeuring…drug
and alcohol free for the kids Of course….phones not ringing….minimal exposure
to texting and Facebook (although in the last two years we allow a few hrs. at
night of this) and lots and lots of free time to work together on the house and
play together.
We mostly stay in town Friday nights now as out 16 yrs.
old always has plans now on Fridays so it is the way that works. So often we
come up Saturday mornings. And our Fridays nights are so much less connected,
so much less fun and so much less good than the rest of our weekends. We all
seem aggravated, disconnected and a bit alienated even at home. I didn’t know
why. We are all trying to achieve things, do things and connect-often not to each
other. We come up to Trent and literally all the tension dissipates. Often we
eat lunch at the way at McDonalds or Tim Hortens and I see the stress melt
away. This family adores each other. We fight-we scream- but we all adore each
other.
The last two days were amazing with the five of us here.
We put all technology bans on from 12-5 both days and made everyone spend it
outside. With three teens this is not an easy feat! Again force is our method.
Trust me it is totally underused.
They resist and then they enjoy. Chase came for an hour
walk with his Dad and I. We threw snow in the streams and watched it melt. We
made marks in the snow with sticks, we chatted, laughed and he confided a ton
in us about his future and what he sees it in. Breathing the spring air was
heavenly and so is being so close to nature. We looked at wood peckers and geese.
The other two kids took a Jacuzzi outside and rolled in
the snow then got back in. Bear went and bought a cheap circus toy and spend hours
on the gallery playing with it. Beauty and her Dad set up the trampoline where
she flipped and flipped to the beat of the music. I read on the sunny deck and
then Chase joined me in the sun with a real newspaper since no IPADSs allowed.
Hubby putzed around and had fun and picked up garbage and sticks.
At night here they have conversations together because we
again ban computers and phones during dinner preparation. I overhear beautiful conversations
between the boys:
“Isn’t it weird to think one day we could be old and
die?”
“Ya totally scary-that is why we have to live a lot now
and have fun”
“Ya fun is good but safe fun because we don’t want to die
early-because living is really f….g good,.
I like living so we better not mess up and do stupid things eh?”
“Ya totally-that’s why the other night I didn’t try to pass
out at the party-it is dumb”
Ahhhhhhhhhh….music to a parents ears!
And then all the competing and sibling rivalry and
bickering that truly get on my nerves but I can handle given the perfectness of
the other moments.
Then today rained on and on but we went out to walk anyways
and we did in the forest-all five of us. Then we went to the bakery and each
chose our favorite pastry or sandwich. Then walked back and Chase drove us back
to the cottage! A first. And I felt great joy again that these children, now
teens are our people. We love them. Carving out space for them is so important.
I love watching my daughter wrestle with her brother and
beat him. I love hearing their laughter in the game there are playing right now
with their Dad. Selecting the menu for the weekend and begging for red velvet
cupcakes for dessert,. I love the conversations about politics and sex and alcohol.
Their curiosity now about adult issues and the exploring we do around them. Yes
the conversations are laced with some swearing more and more often here and there
trying to be cool-yes that are rude and often reject our point of view..Yes
they are lazy and leave their underwear on the bathroom floor all the time.
But…they
are here with us. And that is a miracle. And even if we have
to force them they are here. And we will make that our mission if it is the
only one we have.
Neither of us could ever stay home ever. We adore our
work and just being without the kids five days a week is good-they would drive
us crazy if we stayed home in the week truly. But we have carved out some damn
good family time over the years.
Today we all slept in until 11:15am! No hockey practice, soccer,
ringuette or baseball could replace this for me. No extra work on the weekends
in the office could equate with these moments. Nothing is more important and
these quiet days prove it to me over and over and over and over again.We are
lent our children for such a short time of ours and their lifetimes. And I
intend to make the moments count. All the good-the bad and the ugly. All of it
Find your space-your place and your corners with your
kids and hang on to them as long as humanely possible. Do everything you want
and intend to do in the life you have right now and don’t regret later what you
could have done.
Teens rock. And anyone who doesn’t think so has spent too
many of the Friday disconnected nights that if teens aren’t forced to
leave…become the family normal. If I had to live every weekend like many of our
Friday nights……I would think the teens years stank.
But here with this carved out corner we have made-were we
change into our old cottage clothes and leave our egos at the door. Here where
we walk in nature and hold hands and often walk with arms around each other
which they would never be caught dead doing in the city…I can honestly say that
life…is good. Really really good.
And today seeing all three now all taller than me walk in
front of us Hubby turned to me and said:
“I don’t want them to keep getting older. I want to
freeze time. I will miss miss them desperately”
And I gave him a look of understanding that said I could
not agree more.
