A Book (or Two)

So many of my friends and family have been asking me about the book I have co-authored. Just like work stuff, I don’t tend to bring up the book all that much –so a big thanks for all the caring and interest and support!

And the book is finished! It is now in the main author’s hands and he is working with an editor. He is looking at options for publications since I am from Canada and he from Europe and so USA publication not easy. He is weighting different options right now to get that book out.

It has been an amazing experience for me. Was a really hard last year and a half to be on such big deadlines and I had to carefully plan weekly time to devote to it. Writing a book with him specifically worked very well for me as we have been international collogues for years and so know each other very well and how the other functions and works. Our relationship has always had work at the center so was an easy and comfortable process for us.

From a creative standpoint however, it is very hard to co-author a book vs write one alone. Also it is his book and I am contributing to my creative flow obviously had barriers and limitation inherent to the type of project. For me the process of writing a book I always imagined words pouring out of my heart and soul…and in this case it could not be that way so it was a very different experience in that sense. But the final product will be amazing and I am so thrilled that I was given this great opportunity.

The title: “More Life, Please!”

More to come when published! But again thank you to all who have been so actively supportive and interested and happy for me.

On another similar note it is boating time since summer. My favorite thing to do in the world is to sit in the front of our boat while my husband drives and let the warm wind blow my hair and have the sun on my face. It is in these moments that I do my very best thinking. My creative thinking is always done there in my own la la land (that is why spotting kids riding tube interrupts my thoughts)

On these boat rides I know that I am a writer from the depths of my soul. Book titles, paragraphs, back covers all come to mind. Books I could write one day.

The problem is I am not a writer nor do I really have any aspiration to be one. But in my heart..I am definitely a writer (somehow I like the money, structure ,status and perks and security that come with other types of careers!)

But for years and years and years I have been deciding what my own book would be. Have had thousands of ideas..all written down for inspiration..but nothing has ever fully clicked to the point where I would say “I am doing that”

The other day it did. It will be a memoir that I start writing in the Fall. I can’t tell the title yet…..but I will one day soon. I never thought it would be a memoir I would write but I know it is the right thing. It will be based on this year -2014- and three major events that have occurred in my life and both how I have dealt with them all and also the lessons I have learnt.

And you know what? I think it is going to be really really good.

And I just have to think about if I am ready to have my family fully exposed? Are they ready and willing? Am I capable of being as vulnerable as I need to be to write it powerfully? Can it be a great keynote speech? How would it feel to family and friends to be written about in some of my deepest thoughts inside of me only available to me at this moment? All things to think about.

But that feeling of knowing what I needed to write was powerful. Almost felt like I had been working up to that moment all my life. If nothing else will be a very therapeutic process for me. And hopefully one day a very profitable one. For years I have felt I have so much inside of me…I do share a lot with others…but not even a fraction of what I know or feel. I support others a lot more than I am supportable myself. I share in others’ lives a lot more than they share in mine (except person who is that exception). This book would alter that. Scares me.

And what I love is that it does not need to replace my work . It can be hobby. I am not the type of writer than takes hours and hours and hours to write a blog. Takes me minutes really. Same for books..I am not a perfectionist at all (clearly as you can see by my typos!) Writing has always been a casual process for me “Get it out of my mind and body" being my primary concern to date. I won’t have a dedication of “thanks for my family for seeing me locked up writing for three years” Never. I am locked up enough in my life as it is…

So..that is my book update.

And still..I am not a writer.

But maybe..or maybe not…I will still have something to offer that people will want to read. In the last few years, I think I have finally figured a lot of stuff out. And I have done a damn good job of being a Mom, a wife, having a career, writing a book and keeping my shit together this year under very difficult circumstances. Has been far from perfect but graceful I think nonetheless. I have still managed to shower and make food (well defrost it or delegate it) wear nice clothes and be a good friend, lend my cottage to my mom and flush the fish down the toilet when it died. I have forgiven and forgotten, held my ground, excercise and taken up yoga. I have remembered birthdays and had birthdays and kissed boo-boos and still have socialzed. I have held it together for myself and many at a time when I thought I could have fallen apart or been more selfish with my love....I have chosen love first.

And it is time to share my story. Because you know what? I have some good stuff to share. Stuff that can make a difference in the world.
And it is time..to share my secrets

Sometimes Our Offspring can be Freaks

Like today.

And trust me it is not genetic. And if it is-it skipped a generation.

Chase is not a teenager who shuts himself in his room-like as in ever. Unless it is to study or sleep. He loves being around us. Even when he is mad he will slam a door and come right back and say sorry. He does not stay in his room.

Today I called home and my Mom said he stayed in his room all day. What?

Then Bear said that Chase was seen with rubber gloves and a full face mask on when he went to eat in the kitchen at various points in the day? What the F….k???

Then I find three massive bottles of hand sanitizer in our kitchen that were not there that morning? Hmmm..

Then he tells me he is going out to dinner? He is going to spend his money? All making sense now people…

I figured it out! Beauty was home sick today…hence …of course…he is protecting himself from germs!!!! Why of course!!!

This all makes perfect sense right? That he would know exactly where to locate the box that was sent to me during the H1M1 Pandemic Flu crisis by my company full of masks and gloves hidden in our basement. Why wouldn’t he know where to find that!

Of course this does not make sense..This is utterly obsessive and ridiculous!!!!

Our son is a freak.

Anyways what it all made me realise is that as they get older they become who they want to become no matter what. That’s how life goes. He obviously wants to be the starring on “My weird obsessions”. Good for him.

Jolly good.

We are related right?

God I love this child with all my heart and soul. He may be a little bit of freak in some ways but man oh man is he funny and unique. I love him to bits. And he is such a gorgeous one too-he even looks amazing in a face mask and gloves all tucked away and hidden. Woman will love this one. Grown woman drool over him.

And despite me thinking he is crazy……I think this is the most adorable ridiculous thing I have ever seen.

He is mineJ

I contributed to making himJ

 

Headoffice

Since many years ago we have had the “sick couch” at my husband’s office. With three kids and two careers it seemed the only way to manage with runny noses, slight fevers, and dizziness. The sleeping couch was used often enough but not too often thankfully as our kids were rarely sick even as little kids at daycare. For some reason our kids are not the sick types. Maybe it is bc our house is so germy they build up immunity??? Or their schools super clean? I have never really understood why but am thankful for the blessing! Compared to most of my friends kids and my collogues kids they have been sick about maybe 1/10 of the time!

Anyways..today was not a lucky dayL Beauty left the cottage on Sunday night with a friend to stay at her house for two days bc of dance camp. The phone rings at Trent early this morning whole we were sound asleep and she was vomiting and very sick and the poor friend’s mom was with her. Being asleep, one and a half hour away, having two other kids sound asleep, having my Mom arriving at cottage with her friends this week for a week and having to organize and clean, having kids going to sleep away camp for two weeks and needing a bunch of their stuff from cottage to organize and having a boat to trail for the next two weeks in city…did not make a good formula for getting home in a quick jiffy!

 

So that is where Head office comes in. That is what Hubby’s secretaries over that years call when kids are too sick for sleeping couch and the odd occasion like today when the parents can’t be there for the kidsL they call it “coming to head office” and I have always had a good chuckle at the term. Head office is not that pleasant. It involves picking up sick kid, having sick kid throw up in a bucket in your car, putting that kid to bed in a messy house that no one was expecting anyone to enter, fumbling around to find water switch, medications and water bottle, and having kid throw up again. Head office really sucks actually. It deserves some serious double pay.

 

But thank god for head office I tell you! It’s part of the job description (for real) for any of my husband’s employees and it is a godsend (and a rather brilliant Idea I had many many years ago I might add ). Usually when our kids have been super sick clearly it is important enough for us to break apts and be there but both of us have jobs where sometimes that is very hard (aka hubby in meeting for house transaction involving 16 people, me travelling internationally or giving a presentation to Directors offsite). Today was simply plain old distance.

So once I got home Beauty was still in bad shape and will probably be missing another day of camp tomorrow. Stomach stuff has subsided and gone I think but she is weak and dizzyL doubting it will be a dance day tomorrow.

Amidst all of this it was actually a pleasant day and evening. I came home and cleaned house while she slept and then floated in my pool. Hubby and boys stayed at cottage and got everything organised there and then got home for dinner. Both boys decided to go out for July 1...one to the fireworks right around here and the other to a big party (this seems to be the new pattern!) Hubby on his way now to pick up 7 boys in minivan from party. Even if a work night we like to be one to pick up when we can even if it it is a true pain in the ass-as we want our kids SAFE. Hubby does not drink alcohol anymore either so very practical for these very frequent late night picks ups that used to be me most the timeJ

Tonight while Beauty slept yet again Hubby and I walked down to the end of the street by the lake-brought two chairs to sit and watched the fireworks by the water with the warm wind blowing and blowing making huge crashing waves. It was a beautiful and peaceful 30 minutes And I felt so blessed to live by such beauty. There is nothing as beautiful as water to me…nothing even comes close. It was actually a crazy, hard stressful day but those waves just really speak to me and calmed me down. I think had same effect on Hubby. We put a quick impromptu dinner together of curry chicken with lentils and rice and salad and it was also a deeply satisfying meal.

We wrote each other texts in the afternoon about how important it was for us to stick together and be great parents and partners as we know the next 7 yrs. are going to be harder and tougher than the last 7 years. We made a pact to get through it by each others sides.

The lake solidified that for me tonight.

Even with a barfly sick girl, out of brace now for 24 hrs. (as can’t barf on a 4k brace easily), and a girl who on top of everything else had to get her period today again ….even with one son god knows where doing god knows what, And another son who is falling more in love every day and breaking our golden rule of “you can’t love a girl before sec 5…. Even if with all the big stuff we have going on all the “little stuff” is hard too (financial difficulties, every appliance under the sun breaking at same time, problems at works et, exhaustion, need to cancel next vacation etc.....we are ok…we are more than ok.

We have each other. We have the lake. We have them.

And most importantly we have a sick couch and a head office-and I am serious when I say that both of these factors have prevented us both from some serious panic attacks over the years. So today my gratitude is for those simple things.

And at that lake today I also found “my spot” A spot that I am going to commit to walking to almost daily and expressing gratitude for on that bench near the waves. It called to me today and I decided that as of the endd of summer I need to go there almost daily during the week as part of my exercise routine. And give thanks for all the perfect and imperfect that make up this life that belongs to me.

And for the future that I know with certainly…will be as every bit as beautiful as the past.

Please Don’t Press Pause

If you have read my blog over the years you know one thing for sure: I love it when my kids have friends over the house or cottage. The more the better. The  messy house, being eaten out of house and home, the noise ..does not faze me in the least.

I continuously get comments from other parents when I have gangs of kids over to the effect of “poor you -you will be exhausted!” The opposite is true. It energizes me completely-and puts a huge smile on my face throughout the day most times. I love every second of hosting my kid’s friends at our house or cottage. Love it.

And I am not a social butterfly at all. I love more 1-1 for myself or small groups and enjoy being alone a lot. I don’t like big groups at all. But when it comes to my kids I adore it. And just kids-no adults….just me, my hubby and a bunch of kids.

I am so comfortable in front of most my kids friends-they are almost like my own. Today I fell asleep on the boat when one of them was telling me a story!!!

This weekend is annual kick off to summer and they all have two friends (Chase has 1). It is GORGEUOS weather here and we have swam and tube and jumped off cliffs and slid down slides all day long. (well they have anyways) Sometimes in subsets and groups and sometimes all mixed. Lots of kids of all ages and sizes in and out of the Jacuzzi and the HUGE lunches and dinners. Chores divided between kids and three girls helping hubby right now with dinner (great summer pasta. sausages and chocolate cupcakes with smores and marshmallow roast this evening.

Tonight is a big poker game for the guys (and one girl) and I will do a ping pong tournament or Scattergories with the other two girls-or watch a movie with them if I get luckyJ)) The girls have opted to sleep outside not on the sleeping porch but the sleeping dock!!!! I am so proud of my girls!!!! They are all so slim and one so tiny they are going to fit all one this one little bali bed and greet the ducks in the summer sun. I am so happy they like this hobby of mine.

The girls and I just had a great soak in the Jacuzzi and I told them a bunch of bird stories from my childhood (bird being stuck in my hair, bird dying on my head-you get the picture) they continually make me make them laugh. Today they were harder to make laugh so I had to resorted to yelling “penis!” and then of course that did itJ)) this has been a game for years now…and I always win! I have said it before and I will say it again. I ADORE these girls. My daughter has the BEST friends ever.

Today I sat mostly in the front of the boat as we turned circles for tube rides and just kept thinking “We are so so so so so blessed. Our children are so so so blessed to have these people in their lives. They are all-each on unique, special wonderful people. There is nothing in life that makes me happier than to see my kids in wonderful friendships, sharing, learning and growing.

Friendship is a priceless gift that is timeless. Friends may change over time-but I can tell that all three of my kids put importance and effort into their friends and cherish this as much as I do in my own friendships. I am as happy for this as it is a very important value of mine to pass down. Family is super important…friends are way way up there too.

Why this post is called “please don’t press pause”? For years everyone around me and books and experts have been saying it won’t last that my kids will come to the cottage…the cherished family time won’t last as they go into the phases of jobs and works and girlfriends and boyfriends. And that scares me to no end. First of all they have been all wrong as it has lasted 2 yrs. beyond what was predicated (as of 14 yrs. old) but I can see it getting harder and changing. But it is not disappearing-it is evolving. Less weekends all 5 of us shorter times with eldest going home on the bus….weekends cut short by activities, less time just our family and friends more often, But so far this is beautiful and I still love it as much.

But I know there will come a time. Late adolescence and before they are married that there will be that lull-that pause where their lives are theirs and their schedules their own and this thing we have built won’t be as important for a number of years (nor should it be) And that pause is what I dread..alot.

I don’t want pause!

This is what Hubby and I are made for..and if I am right so are our kids. I don't want them off to college and university far away….or moving to a different place in the world. I want us all to be together at the cottage as often as we can. Just like we are today. Living our lives beside each other with each other but also including other people we love too.

This is what I am made for. This is what Hubby and I am made for. Work hard-Play hard. We work all week…to get this on the weekends. And this is worth every last ounce of energy, time, and frustration and commitment has our kids and their friends surround us in this beautiful place once in a while. Would we like to do this all the time? Never? What makes it all so special is that it is not our normal life …it is our vacation life. Our weekend li..Our rewards.If I have to spend more than a weekend or a vacation with this gang (or even our own kids!) on a daily basis-I would die of boredom-it is great because it is special.

 

 

Today was beautiful. And hey you know what?

We deserve a little beautiful coming our way.

 

 

Tuned In

Over the years, since having children especially, I find I am not hearing news regularly. It is one of the things that have very unfortunately fallen to my basket C list in a long list of priorities. I stay abreast of business stuff in general but current affairs are here and there. I am not proud of this fact at all. Politics especially are way low on my list. My husband on the other hand reads the paper back to front almost daily-but this does not compensate for his wife since our brains are not intertwined.

So this year I came up with the idea that instead of listening to music in car (which is favorite thing for me as one of the few places I listen to music) I would replace is with CJAD. All the update news every half and hour and many very interesting talk shows. I am glad I made this switch as I feel much better now (although I miss my music and will have to choose a day a week to listen to that).I find in the car back and forth to works really the only place I can find for these two things.

Lately the news shows have been yummy and controversial-just what I like!

My fave two this week were:

1-“Religion in schools-why are our taxes going to paying to have teachers teacher fairytales to our students “(concerning the teachings of religion in public school)

This was super super interesting and heated!!!!! Loved it. And yes I agree that religion should never be taught in public school unless it is presented as belief vs a reality. Then I think it is very educational.

We opted for Ethics in primary and Religion in secondary private school as I want them to have all the education. And for me Religion is the basis of both LOVE and of WAR and I wanted my children to understand about religion and make their own choices. But I can definitely understand why many of the callers on the show wanted religion out of the schools.

It was a very interesting talk show and made me realize that my mind is hungry for debate and simulationJ My Dad would have been proud!! Religion was a very hot topic in our home growing up-my family were atheists by all measures and my Dad was of the opinion that everything in religion was one big made up belief story . I am much much more spiritual than I was raised but still  far from religious.

 

2-“Girls are different than boys. Raising our tween daughters.”

This one I also realty benefitted from given the stage I am at with Beauty . I am also currently reading a book on tween girls that is rated as the best book for this stage of parenting by countless magazines and schools insisting that every parent with a daughter needs to read it.

So far-it is damn scary I tell you. Damn scary. From a Mom of two older boys I see I am going into unknown territory here…and I need to catch up. Quickly! And my teen girl is a very “typical “girl; versus my boys who I think have some typical teen characteristics and others very different. Beauty so far is the typical portrait of how a girl grows up (with a big added dose of security and self-confidence side). But this book and this talk show made me realize how much I want to learn about girlhood.

Tomorrow she gets her cell phone (hubby’s old one) For the first three months as a trial she only texts her family..Then end of Sept we see if friends are included. No Facebook, no Instagram, no Twitter. I think if I gave these to her-they would eat her up entirely. She is so peer oriented already (aka first day dance camp says she made 5 new “close” friends) I don’t need any technological help!

Anyways I like my CJAD routine. It needs to be part of my happiness routines up there with the other simple things in life that make me happy like sleep, yoga, walking sleep and reading. (If I can get making homemade healthful meals on my list I will be really happy)

 

 

Box of Books

Nothing signals the start of summer more to me than my box of books always delivered to my husband’s office. I always order as school ends from Amazon at least 12-15 new books and then take about another 5-6 out from library or borrow from friends.

Fiction, memoirs, always a business book in there, a time management book, a how to raise teens book. Ahh..I can’t wait!

The last week of school signifies to me in no way vacation as it is hard to have three teens home alone and juggle the camp schedules and activities and non activities etc. But..and big but…we stop our family night and we stop our non-essential to do list. We have one to do list each and it is essential items only (school supplies, uniforms, washing, eating, bdays to celebrate etc..) I think my Hubby celebrated not to see his long list every Tuesday morning for summer!

Literally every else goes on to “Fall list” (banister broke upstairs put a danger rope on it and pray. Hair is brittle and spit ends-put it in a ponytail. Need a new toothbrush-wait until fall. This is the only only only way to find a little peace and relaxation. And even with this system evenings are filled with packing lunches and camp bags and doing the perfect ballet bun for the dance camps. We food shop and have to run out and get last minute steel toe boots for Dircamp. But…but…:

For the first time since last summer all 5 of us sat down and watched a show together during the eek! Americus’s Got Talent. And that was really really nice. And the reading has begun! Right now reading a memoir of the kidnapped journalist in Afganishatan and her 15 month captivity. Can’t wait to get home and read.

 

And this weekend was a nice start to the summer. Transition is always hard for me..And hard to unwind so had 4 days for long holiday weekend and first two I was going crazy with my family-last two I was fully relaxed. We had nice sunny weather and the kids waterskied and tubed and knee boarded. We had nice dinner and lunches by the lake and on the porch. We watched a great family movie and made brownies. Then my older son took the bus all the way to cottage from downtown and we picked him up 20 mins away and he drove back to cottage himself. A first on all counts.

My fave part of weekend (besides reading!) was watching the fireworks in our boat on the lake on Monday night. It was so fun-Chase drove the boat and we danced and sang and honked the horn. It was truly like being with three adults-so much fun.

And Beauty was a sweetie this weekend and very close to me (yay!). After the fireworks she asked me if she and I could sleep outside and we did-it was fun giggling the two of us with big blankets on top of us. I loved every second.

And Bear and I talked a lot about the love of his life. He is at her house now having dinner and meeting the parents! Tomorrow she comes over and meet his Grandma.wow young..but unstoppable it seems. She is a very nice beautiful girl.

The only part of weekend we could have done without was the trip to Hospital as Bear accidently slammed the trunk of car of Hubby’s head!!!!! Ouch!!!

I loved having all 5 of us under one roof for a couple of days. Tuesday was so rainy so we took a couple of hours to plan out “a successful summer” (chores, food, bedtimes, etc..) and although kids resisted this I know it was good to align and spell out our expectations. Then they all played a board game with Hubby and I got to read on my own out on the old bail bed in the porch under the rain.

This weekend gave me a little taste of how doing nothing feels. I can’t wait to have vacation and do more of nothing. Truly.

And then the beginning of this week even when working trying to make my days more summery by getting up earlier and taking time to drive the carpools to camp and hearing all the dancing ballet girls in my van giggling..Stopping at Walmart on the way home and leisurely looking at the different gifts and foods. Making everything less tense and stressful. Taking the time to chat at the coffee machine which I rarely do. Asking my buddy spontaneously to leave work and go out for a quick lunch-which I never ever do. Summer! It feels like years that I have stopped a moment at work. Today I let myself for one day slow down juts a little. Tomorrow will pick it all back up.

Next weekend another holiday weekend (love Canada for this!) and each kid has two friends up to Trent and a big party weekend. Will be great to have all the kids and their buddies up …

Anyways the box of books is always a hidden joy for me. More than a new pair of shoes-or tickets to a concert-or a new outfit or car. Books. On a continuous quest to turn my kids into readers. Not likely given that for school they have 20 books a year to read….but still there is nothing like reading for pleasure.

Nothing is even remotely comparable. Not even a cupcake

Undiscovered

I don’t talk or write much about work. Mainly because of the public forum but also I have always been private about my work. It is a huge part of my life-but somehow it is important to me not to make it the be all of my life-as many hours as I spend there. It is part of my life and defines me in many ways-but is not all of my life.

I have always had a great career-straight out of university even had many great opportunities and promotions and landed in excellent companies with super interesting roles. But I have always put the brakes on. Always limited my potential to a certain degree…as I know if I took the brakes off-my career would become everything.

What I always knew is that I would never let a big career prevent me from being the Mom I want to be and the wife and the friend and the daughter that I strive to be. At the level I am at now with my last promotion in Dec 2013 I feel I am my full capacity of what allows me to be really good (most of the time anyways) in the areas of  both work and family. With this new role even that is questionable sometimes-I feel like I am not the same Mom I was a couple of years ago-but that is ok too as my kids need me less (or more!). But I know I am at my limit for the time being-I feel it.

But in my heart I would like to be the true leader..right at the top of something really really big. I could see myself doing something really really important but I also ways told myself “Never before Beauty has finished high school-ever” Well now that is a mere 5 yrs away!!!!! That is nothing! Is there a whole other career to uncover in 5 years or did I make that up?

 I always pictured myself having a high level management job in a major global company for many many years (as I have now) and then later on..when kids are grown..Something bigger. What that bigger is I don’t even know….I have some ideas but they are vague and not clear enough to be considered any type of real plan.

I feel I have the experience, the savvy, the confidence, the smarts and the connections to really do something great after yrs of striving towards this goal. I just have to figure out what it is exactly!

I had always said after Beauty finishes high school-well that is a mere 5 yrs. away now. Circumstances have come into play too…our medical bill are very high..very high. Mouth braces, scoliosis braces, chiros, physios, Special blood tests and X-rays, ADD drugs and the list goes on and on. Even if I wanted to both of us being entrepreneurs- now is not even a remote possibility. I need the medical benefits that big companies provide that are certain and the medical clinic with certain appts  etc. If my employer even tried to let me go in the next 5 years I would seriously get down on my knees and beg to stay!!!! Seriously that is not a joke.

Anyways especially this weekend I have actually had time to think and I know there is a big piece of my life –in the career arena that has been undiscovered, Years and year of pulling myself back from the limelight and too much visibility- my mind and body innately wanted to be pulled in..have made me sometimes forget what that natural direction even is. I have focused on high performance for sure and delivered all the way-but have held back my full potential. Saving it for a time that is right and that makes sense for me and my family.

I am looking forward to being discovered,, whether that be in 5 or 10 years.I started my family and my career young-and the advantage of that is that there is still a whole world out there for me when my kids are out there in their own worlds.

Just writing about this is a first. A first baby step. Even just thinking about it is too.