Kidless and on Vacation

We started our three week holidays yesterday and are up at the cottage for three weeks! And the first 6 days without kids as we always do for years now as they are at sleep away camp. It’s a great formula and allows us to have some relaxing adult time and read and fully rest before we all start our family vacation together. It’s really nice.

It starts actually the week they leave for camp and although we have to work our asses off during the day and some evenings to prep to go away for 3 weeks-we have a few evenings that week to just have the house to ourselves-not pick anyone up at midnight at parties or friends places-not prepare any food for anyone-keep the house tidy and clean so easily. It’s a really different kind of week –even if we aren’t on vacation.

We brought our boat back to the yacht club near our house in the city but we were very unlucky with weather this year-high high high winds so paid for the week and got to use it once or twice onlyL But we watched movies and went out to dinner-and had time for each other and some really nice moments despite the weather.

 

An then we started holidays Friday night and very spontaneously took out my Mom out on a boat ride to dinner and had a great dinner with amazing food on a terrace the three of us together for an early bday celebration for her (we will do real celebration when kids back). That was a great start to holiday and nice to be three of us as so rare. Then Saturday morning came up to Trent and had a gorgeous sailing and boating day. Today….well crap crap crap weather of course rain and rain and freezing (and not supposed to get much better this week either), but we are reading and watching movies and all the things you do on a rainy day. We try not to let it get us down-but the reality is? Bad and cold and freezing and raining in July is just not acceptable!!!!

Tonight we have a dinner with BFF’s at a fancy resto that we both love. We are so happy that their cottage is 15 mins away from us so on vacations we get to spend time. Tonight is just the adults and then in 2 weeks we will go to their cottage for an evening of fishing and marshmallows with all the kids and we will bring some pizza. They have three kids below 6 yrs and we have three above 12 yrs but we are trying to bring them up like cousins. I babysit for them, as of two years from now I may take their kids yearly for a week while they go away, they are actively involved in our kids lives too and intervene as necessary into the teen troubles. I love the fact that our cottages are so close as we get these special times that we would miss otherwise as we are always at our cottage on weekends and so miss some of the fun stuff back in the city because of this. This is for both of our families a big treat being able to be at our cottages and also socialize. Love it. Guess it was not coincidence that they convinced us to buy this place (now we just have to transfer our big mortgage and financial anxiety over to them too!!!) lol.

So we treasure this time alone…like every year . But last night we also admitted to each other shyly that likely at this stage of your lives with the kids the age they are-we need it less than we did when they were younger. We still love it-but we need it a lot less. They are our buddies now…they are fun (in general)..we know our time with them is limited (girlfriends, jobs, school) so in a sense being with them is more important than being without them at this stage in our lives (although trust me this time alone is so precious too) But it was cool to identify that times are changing and there will be many years that we will be alone without our kids.

So next year the formula that has been working for some many years may be changing. Actually it definitely will as Bear will start his prep for counsellor in training for camp counsellor, Chase will definitely be working etc…..

But I am so happy that we were smart enough all these years to take this time alone. It got is to where we are now I believe…tomorrow celebrating 18 yrs of marriage!!!

Kids we love your and miss you-but having a great time without you too in rain, in sun, in clouds and in rainbows. Like real life we have made the commitment to run the course and stick together through it all-the journey of life. And one day I hope you too as parents take that time for you as a couple-and not only plan for it but fight for it and make sure it happens. Push away your anxiety and fear of leaving your own kids-and go with what is needed in a couple. As my biggest piece of advice to your future selves? Understand that your couplehood is the foundation of your parenthood (and not the reverse) Never forget yourselves and your marriage because you become parents. Never. Staying together is important as a family united-and to do that……you need to nurture yourselves as individuals outside of being parents. And that??? That is an order.

 

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

When I Become a Peach

I heard this great talk show on the radio the other night describing the colors of a woman’s path:

White-for before marriage (well…not so much. But ok!)

Red –for the years of childrearing and establishing a career (all the way fiery red for me bossy-dynamic-in charge-demanding!)

Black- (for when the kids are grown and we are done with careers and  we are getting prepared to die I guess?)

That being said, the talk show suggested that there is another color in there for women. The color of the 40’s and 50’s for those of us who had kids earlier on. And that color is PEACH.

And I am super super excited to be a peach. It put it all into a peachy perspective for me actually.

Peach is the time in our lives where we have a moment to think-to be creative-to devote more times to the career we love vs just bringing in the money-time to volunteer perhaps-explore hobbies-discover the landscape of our lives?

Peach is really our only time to get it right really.

Peach is between red and white –a mix of both colors. We are in innocent in the sense we are not dead yet I guess? We still need to be fiery and productive as we are still raising kids but maybe we do not have to clean up their puke as often. And if we are we are not hearing their crying, but listening to our in-pods while mopping maybe?

We have more time as our kids get older-but less brain space. More worry and less fuss. More time for ourselves and less time to really  sleep. PEACH is a whole world within itself.

I can’t wait to be peach but paradoxically PEACV is a damn scary place to be. Who will I be when I am not red? Will I be lovely and shy? I doubt it! But I can feel myself softening as I get older (both literally and in the philosophical sense)

I am fuzzier and nicer. Much more forgiving.

I have a feeling that PEACH is going to be a nice decade for me (when I get to be peach that is)

I really don’t want to go from red to black. I am so not ready to be dead yet. I am actually feeling very white too lately-so black is just so not me (I never did like Goth as a style)

Right now I would say I am transitioning to a bright coral. Peach is at least 5 yrs. away.

But I am excited. Especially in the career sense for PEACH. The way I am doing my career this year is nothing like before-I am already turning into a peach.

And I expect to get peachier and peachier and nicer and nicer.

I like uncovering these things

And glad that now I have a word that symbolized what runs through my crazy brain.

PEACH. Love it.

 

Message from the Winds/ By: Tarina Lauren Kate

Calm before  storm

The sun and blue sky blend in perfect unison.

The water still-like  mirror. It calls our name. Of course it does.

We go. We always do.

A flash and  the wind screams and blows.

The caps on the water are white; the sky dark

The clouds take on a different shape. Beautiful.

Th birds don’t linger

It feels more autumn and less summer

All within a single instant.

And we watch it we do. We soak it in. It is part of us that wind.

The wind not replacing the sun;  enhancing it.

The wind is angry but also powerful; if ever I die I would be the wind-I would send my messages that way.

The wind  persists then is -calmed.

Tenderness returned

Sweet tenderness we allow

Is it the first time I have not been afraid?

How does he see me now in this new light? Who am I without what always was?

The air changed

Two bodies-two lives entangled in love

Time for loving. Time for us

Away from the realities-yet in the know

Yet desperately entwined in it all

The beautiful million colors of the rainbow-did you know it has shades the eyes cannot see?

Patience is a virtue. Patience is necessary.

Patience is Hard. Hard. Hard. Good. Good Good.

And as I fell into slumber-I smiled

I stopped holding my breath so tightly

I let my jaw become loose

A smile for the sun who is me

A smile for the wind who is me

Understanding that I am whole and complete as I am.

That I am cherished and adored.

That love is there. Again

That I stepped away from the door and into my own life

Ad that now we are ready one step at a time to discover the real landscape our our lives.

Tenderly. Angrily. Powerfully. Courageously.

United in pain and wonder

We have arrived. With the wind.

 

Dancing Girl

I can never say enough good things about the school our kids are attending. Each time I enter those doors it hits me in the face of how blessed we are they all three got in. It was such a journey and sooooooo much preparation and work to get them there and in specialized programs but worth every minute and every penny.

Today was Beauty’s dance recital. As part of her dance program she begins in sept there for high school she has to attend a two week camp that started the day after school ended for grade 6. It is an intensive preparatory integration camp and they learn 5 types of dance in two weeks and then put on a recital.

OMG is all I can say. Honestly most of this show was better than something people would pay for professionally. It is actually unbelievable what they do with these girls. Totally in awe. But more even than the dance it is the control and discipline they have over such large groups of teens. I have never ever seen in my life hundreds of teens behave in the ways that these students are taught to behave.

Each time I have entered that school for my sons –same thing. It impresses me to no end. Beautifully behaved teens with happiness and joy written all over their faces-hungry for education. I think it is the programs that do it-the sports and the dance etc. where you have to maintain a certain average to stay in the program (or the school!) No exceptions. Pointe Finals. Excellent and excellent behavior –or you are out. If you are caught bullying, smoking, drugs etc..no chances. OUT.

Whatever formula it is..it works.

And at this school it appears that the real teenage stuff (parties, drinking etc) get started only in the later years-grade 10..vs earlier years where slight experimatentions but nothing more from most students. And this is a blessing as kids who are older are better able to handle these decisions and situations.

It was such a pleasure to see our daughter up there on that stage today. I was worried about her as she missed the last 2 days of camp as she was sick and had 20 minutes this morning to learn jazz, ballet, contemporary routines and I was thinking maybe even Argentinian flamenco routines! And she did it-like a pro. My heart was beating very fast for her a she managed to stay in almost perfect sync with all the girls who actually had three days to learn the routines. I was proud of her.

And tonight she is dancing and dancing to French music and twirling and trying out all different moves. I can see that she is totally in love with her upcoming education and dance program and my heart is happy for her. Again. It was all worth it. And even if these two weeks were exhausting for her ….it is her life and it is amazing to watch a child blossom into such a passion and talent.

 

Tonight my gratitude is for the high school that will shelter our three teens next year all at once for one year…they will all be at the place that I can truly say is doing a brilliant job of making my own three teens disciplined, motivated to go to school and wanting with all their hearts to do well in the subjects and their specializations. It has given them passion….and a love of education for the most part. And I honestly could not ask for  anything more from an institution.

A Book (or Two)

So many of my friends and family have been asking me about the book I have co-authored. Just like work stuff, I don’t tend to bring up the book all that much –so a big thanks for all the caring and interest and support!

And the book is finished! It is now in the main author’s hands and he is working with an editor. He is looking at options for publications since I am from Canada and he from Europe and so USA publication not easy. He is weighting different options right now to get that book out.

It has been an amazing experience for me. Was a really hard last year and a half to be on such big deadlines and I had to carefully plan weekly time to devote to it. Writing a book with him specifically worked very well for me as we have been international collogues for years and so know each other very well and how the other functions and works. Our relationship has always had work at the center so was an easy and comfortable process for us.

From a creative standpoint however, it is very hard to co-author a book vs write one alone. Also it is his book and I am contributing to my creative flow obviously had barriers and limitation inherent to the type of project. For me the process of writing a book I always imagined words pouring out of my heart and soul…and in this case it could not be that way so it was a very different experience in that sense. But the final product will be amazing and I am so thrilled that I was given this great opportunity.

The title: “More Life, Please!”

More to come when published! But again thank you to all who have been so actively supportive and interested and happy for me.

On another similar note it is boating time since summer. My favorite thing to do in the world is to sit in the front of our boat while my husband drives and let the warm wind blow my hair and have the sun on my face. It is in these moments that I do my very best thinking. My creative thinking is always done there in my own la la land (that is why spotting kids riding tube interrupts my thoughts)

On these boat rides I know that I am a writer from the depths of my soul. Book titles, paragraphs, back covers all come to mind. Books I could write one day.

The problem is I am not a writer nor do I really have any aspiration to be one. But in my heart..I am definitely a writer (somehow I like the money, structure ,status and perks and security that come with other types of careers!)

But for years and years and years I have been deciding what my own book would be. Have had thousands of ideas..all written down for inspiration..but nothing has ever fully clicked to the point where I would say “I am doing that”

The other day it did. It will be a memoir that I start writing in the Fall. I can’t tell the title yet…..but I will one day soon. I never thought it would be a memoir I would write but I know it is the right thing. It will be based on this year -2014- and three major events that have occurred in my life and both how I have dealt with them all and also the lessons I have learnt.

And you know what? I think it is going to be really really good.

And I just have to think about if I am ready to have my family fully exposed? Are they ready and willing? Am I capable of being as vulnerable as I need to be to write it powerfully? Can it be a great keynote speech? How would it feel to family and friends to be written about in some of my deepest thoughts inside of me only available to me at this moment? All things to think about.

But that feeling of knowing what I needed to write was powerful. Almost felt like I had been working up to that moment all my life. If nothing else will be a very therapeutic process for me. And hopefully one day a very profitable one. For years I have felt I have so much inside of me…I do share a lot with others…but not even a fraction of what I know or feel. I support others a lot more than I am supportable myself. I share in others’ lives a lot more than they share in mine (except person who is that exception). This book would alter that. Scares me.

And what I love is that it does not need to replace my work . It can be hobby. I am not the type of writer than takes hours and hours and hours to write a blog. Takes me minutes really. Same for books..I am not a perfectionist at all (clearly as you can see by my typos!) Writing has always been a casual process for me “Get it out of my mind and body" being my primary concern to date. I won’t have a dedication of “thanks for my family for seeing me locked up writing for three years” Never. I am locked up enough in my life as it is…

So..that is my book update.

And still..I am not a writer.

But maybe..or maybe not…I will still have something to offer that people will want to read. In the last few years, I think I have finally figured a lot of stuff out. And I have done a damn good job of being a Mom, a wife, having a career, writing a book and keeping my shit together this year under very difficult circumstances. Has been far from perfect but graceful I think nonetheless. I have still managed to shower and make food (well defrost it or delegate it) wear nice clothes and be a good friend, lend my cottage to my mom and flush the fish down the toilet when it died. I have forgiven and forgotten, held my ground, excercise and taken up yoga. I have remembered birthdays and had birthdays and kissed boo-boos and still have socialzed. I have held it together for myself and many at a time when I thought I could have fallen apart or been more selfish with my love....I have chosen love first.

And it is time to share my story. Because you know what? I have some good stuff to share. Stuff that can make a difference in the world.
And it is time..to share my secrets

Sometimes Our Offspring can be Freaks

Like today.

And trust me it is not genetic. And if it is-it skipped a generation.

Chase is not a teenager who shuts himself in his room-like as in ever. Unless it is to study or sleep. He loves being around us. Even when he is mad he will slam a door and come right back and say sorry. He does not stay in his room.

Today I called home and my Mom said he stayed in his room all day. What?

Then Bear said that Chase was seen with rubber gloves and a full face mask on when he went to eat in the kitchen at various points in the day? What the F….k???

Then I find three massive bottles of hand sanitizer in our kitchen that were not there that morning? Hmmm..

Then he tells me he is going out to dinner? He is going to spend his money? All making sense now people…

I figured it out! Beauty was home sick today…hence …of course…he is protecting himself from germs!!!! Why of course!!!

This all makes perfect sense right? That he would know exactly where to locate the box that was sent to me during the H1M1 Pandemic Flu crisis by my company full of masks and gloves hidden in our basement. Why wouldn’t he know where to find that!

Of course this does not make sense..This is utterly obsessive and ridiculous!!!!

Our son is a freak.

Anyways what it all made me realise is that as they get older they become who they want to become no matter what. That’s how life goes. He obviously wants to be the starring on “My weird obsessions”. Good for him.

Jolly good.

We are related right?

God I love this child with all my heart and soul. He may be a little bit of freak in some ways but man oh man is he funny and unique. I love him to bits. And he is such a gorgeous one too-he even looks amazing in a face mask and gloves all tucked away and hidden. Woman will love this one. Grown woman drool over him.

And despite me thinking he is crazy……I think this is the most adorable ridiculous thing I have ever seen.

He is mineJ

I contributed to making himJ

 

Headoffice

Since many years ago we have had the “sick couch” at my husband’s office. With three kids and two careers it seemed the only way to manage with runny noses, slight fevers, and dizziness. The sleeping couch was used often enough but not too often thankfully as our kids were rarely sick even as little kids at daycare. For some reason our kids are not the sick types. Maybe it is bc our house is so germy they build up immunity??? Or their schools super clean? I have never really understood why but am thankful for the blessing! Compared to most of my friends kids and my collogues kids they have been sick about maybe 1/10 of the time!

Anyways..today was not a lucky dayL Beauty left the cottage on Sunday night with a friend to stay at her house for two days bc of dance camp. The phone rings at Trent early this morning whole we were sound asleep and she was vomiting and very sick and the poor friend’s mom was with her. Being asleep, one and a half hour away, having two other kids sound asleep, having my Mom arriving at cottage with her friends this week for a week and having to organize and clean, having kids going to sleep away camp for two weeks and needing a bunch of their stuff from cottage to organize and having a boat to trail for the next two weeks in city…did not make a good formula for getting home in a quick jiffy!

 

So that is where Head office comes in. That is what Hubby’s secretaries over that years call when kids are too sick for sleeping couch and the odd occasion like today when the parents can’t be there for the kidsL they call it “coming to head office” and I have always had a good chuckle at the term. Head office is not that pleasant. It involves picking up sick kid, having sick kid throw up in a bucket in your car, putting that kid to bed in a messy house that no one was expecting anyone to enter, fumbling around to find water switch, medications and water bottle, and having kid throw up again. Head office really sucks actually. It deserves some serious double pay.

 

But thank god for head office I tell you! It’s part of the job description (for real) for any of my husband’s employees and it is a godsend (and a rather brilliant Idea I had many many years ago I might add ). Usually when our kids have been super sick clearly it is important enough for us to break apts and be there but both of us have jobs where sometimes that is very hard (aka hubby in meeting for house transaction involving 16 people, me travelling internationally or giving a presentation to Directors offsite). Today was simply plain old distance.

So once I got home Beauty was still in bad shape and will probably be missing another day of camp tomorrow. Stomach stuff has subsided and gone I think but she is weak and dizzyL doubting it will be a dance day tomorrow.

Amidst all of this it was actually a pleasant day and evening. I came home and cleaned house while she slept and then floated in my pool. Hubby and boys stayed at cottage and got everything organised there and then got home for dinner. Both boys decided to go out for July 1...one to the fireworks right around here and the other to a big party (this seems to be the new pattern!) Hubby on his way now to pick up 7 boys in minivan from party. Even if a work night we like to be one to pick up when we can even if it it is a true pain in the ass-as we want our kids SAFE. Hubby does not drink alcohol anymore either so very practical for these very frequent late night picks ups that used to be me most the timeJ

Tonight while Beauty slept yet again Hubby and I walked down to the end of the street by the lake-brought two chairs to sit and watched the fireworks by the water with the warm wind blowing and blowing making huge crashing waves. It was a beautiful and peaceful 30 minutes And I felt so blessed to live by such beauty. There is nothing as beautiful as water to me…nothing even comes close. It was actually a crazy, hard stressful day but those waves just really speak to me and calmed me down. I think had same effect on Hubby. We put a quick impromptu dinner together of curry chicken with lentils and rice and salad and it was also a deeply satisfying meal.

We wrote each other texts in the afternoon about how important it was for us to stick together and be great parents and partners as we know the next 7 yrs. are going to be harder and tougher than the last 7 years. We made a pact to get through it by each others sides.

The lake solidified that for me tonight.

Even with a barfly sick girl, out of brace now for 24 hrs. (as can’t barf on a 4k brace easily), and a girl who on top of everything else had to get her period today again ….even with one son god knows where doing god knows what, And another son who is falling more in love every day and breaking our golden rule of “you can’t love a girl before sec 5…. Even if with all the big stuff we have going on all the “little stuff” is hard too (financial difficulties, every appliance under the sun breaking at same time, problems at works et, exhaustion, need to cancel next vacation etc.....we are ok…we are more than ok.

We have each other. We have the lake. We have them.

And most importantly we have a sick couch and a head office-and I am serious when I say that both of these factors have prevented us both from some serious panic attacks over the years. So today my gratitude is for those simple things.

And at that lake today I also found “my spot” A spot that I am going to commit to walking to almost daily and expressing gratitude for on that bench near the waves. It called to me today and I decided that as of the endd of summer I need to go there almost daily during the week as part of my exercise routine. And give thanks for all the perfect and imperfect that make up this life that belongs to me.

And for the future that I know with certainly…will be as every bit as beautiful as the past.