Inhabiting a Home

 

We are big on homes. We love them.

We love admiring other homes…get very jealous of other homes, look at homes. Follow prices.

We own three homes and I am not sure if this was a good decision or a bad decision. Financially that is. These have and will be a hard number of years and will continue ahead in the same hard way for us because of them. But they give us joy and heartache too.

Our home in the suburbs of Montreal is our functional home. “Trent” out cottage is our live life home and then two years ago we bought an old home in a charming village and turned it into my husband’s office for his law practice. None of them are really investments at all since we had all the renovations done vs doing it ourselves …but they have all enriched our lives a lot on different levels and for different reasons.

The problem is  that we were capable of having the money to buy them (and mortgage them!) but not enough money to have anyone take care of them-and so that is done by us and demands a lot of organization, and work and effort. Literally in spring and fall we have hundreds of activities to barely upkeep these properties and manage by tasks lists after list of what needs doing. But especially for the cottage we fully enjoy it summer and winter…so it is worth it. But it is a lot of work and sometimes I wonder what we would do with that time if we did not have these added responsibilities? And we live in constant fear of something breaking in one place or another, something flooding. Both financial fear and fear that we won’t have enough time and energy to fix them.

It’s going to be a very tricky decade financially for us trying to juggle this all. And in a decade we will likely sell our suburban home and rent an apartment as our kids will hopefully be moved out or on their way out. And we will try to have jobs that allow us to spend 4 days a week at Trent and 3 days a week in the city apartment. This is the 10 yr plan so we can get some money out of property and into our hands!!!

But what I have learnt most about homes is that you need to inhabit them before you make decisions about them. One wise woman who owned 5 properties once told me “Never do a single renovation until a year living in a home” and she is right.

Homes have personalities just like we do. Homes are used in different ways by different people. When we moved to Trent we had all sorts of ideas of how we would use this cottage based primarily on how we used our other family cottage. We are not good at change so we tried to replicate what our old life was. Thank goodness we did not do renos as that would have been a big mistake-as it did take us about two years to get used to the new house and figure out how we use it. We never ever thought that our solarium full of light and sunshine could serve as a bedroom for guests who could actually sleep in in there as an example. This house only has one real bedroom and two tiny cottagey bedrooms in the basement. Lucky for us we have lots of friends and so big gangs up here and that was always an issue.  In summer we let guests sleep in the solarium (winter never as it has fireplace and where we spend all our time). We also never fully realized that we are like raccoons and sleep outside a lot. (Unfortunately this vacation not once as weather SUCKS!!!!) (we are right now for the 6th day in a row on our dock in winter clothes with blankets piled on top of us)

 

But we are creatures of habits. When I met my husband he owned a home. When we moved to our current home we have to replicate his home décor for his mental sanity (white carpet, bay window , golden hardwood  floors, wood railing stained same color going upstairs. It was not really that I even liked these things but knew it was the only way to get my husband up and out!

I know him well.

Moving him to this cottage from the one he shared with his family forever was as crazy as if may sound “a crisis”. Honestly even with what we have had to get through this year (real crisisis) I remember that move as probably the hardest thing we did as a couple. I don’t expect anyone to understand. Each couple has their things..this was ours. Cottage time is our life. We would sell our house and move into an apartment much easier and quicker than we would our cottage. You would have to tear the earth from under us to make us leave here. I know..I know..first world problems.

(Trust me we have and have had had our fair share of real problems too.)

And we also think of houses long term. We have an opportunity right now to buy land behind us in the forest. We have no money for this and would go directly on our line of credit-but the long term thinkers we are we know it makes sense. If ever we got money one day or our kids had money (for now we have an aspiring chiropractor, orthodontist and social worker/grocery bag packer in the family) they could take the land and build a small second cottage on the land behind and have water access through this property. We would all live happily ever after! Our dream!!!  Tricky one.

But homes are not a commodity to us-they are a way of life. For anyone who knows us well they know this fully about us. We LIVE in our homes. They are clean but not necessarily always tidy-they are beautiful in some ways and haphazard in others-they are lived in..and lived in well. Homes are where we create memories. And dreams, we carve out time to be together and spend hours making lists of how we can use them to the fullest. Our homes are our favorite place to be. Staycations are much more exciting to us than travelling but we do the travel anyways as we know it is good for us, there are parts of it we truly love, and we want to be cultured and interesting. But cottage life is truly where we all belong. It is our institution.

 

But as time goes on and I see our children growing I realize that one day I will decorate more, and garden and cook and landscape. I will take the time I devote  now to our family and transfer it to our homes. Right now our home are very ignored for the most part as we are too busy living. We care for them at the minimal needed. Decorated them beautifully and then forgot about them for the most part except for basic upkeep. Our time is spent living in them. And that is the way it should be in our minds.

There is a time and a place for everything in life.

To find that balance between order and living is the key. Everyone has their own formulas that work. Half the clients I coach are seeking this formula for themselves. They all aspire to look back on life and have no regrets. I help them find their way.

My husband’s office we are not sure is an investment and that is very worrisome. But it brings him happiness and joy to be there-something he had lost in his career for a while and seems to have back to some degree now working out of a charming old home in a  quaint village. We have managed to bring back some life to his career thought the building. Is there a price to this? Can there be? We know esthetics are deeply important to us….now he goes to work with a feeling of pride and comfort. But there is a huge cost to that. Huge.

For now all in know is that the wise woman was right. Inhabit a home before you make decisions for it. Get to know it and let it get to know you too. Make friends with it-and let it be your love and not your enemy.

Inhabit each other

 

With Him

 

Today we celebrate our 18 yr. wedding anniversary of marriage.

And I made a decision: If I had to choose one person to be stranded on  an island for the rest of my life with-it would be him.

For the obvious reasons of that he is super super capable and resourceful (like as in a million times more than anyone you know)…he would find a way to make me some arugula salad out of plants, he would take care of me and let me sunbathe on the beach while he chopped wood, he would massage my feet at night for 18 minutes….and he would find a way off that island even if it killed him.

But the also for the simpler reasons: because we truly and uttlerlyy love each other’s company. He is very quiet a lot of the time which is what my racing brain needs, and today we named 18 things of why we are compatible and we pretty much like everything the same (except for fixing TVs, putting light bulbs into sockets and going to plays).

He would remain my island guy. For sure.

So today is our typical “being at the cottage alone on vacation day”. But we are trying to make it a little special because it is our anniversary. Nothing could tear us out of our pjs or bathing suits to drag our sorry asses to a restaurant or anything. We are both really cheap dates and pretty easy to please.

We woke up with a hug and he gave me a really nice French card and 8 bick pens from the pharmacy that I really wanted as we are out of pens. And I get to choose when he gives me and 18 minutes massage on my feet on the dock. I gave him no card this year (long story which he understands) and no gift (which he understands too). Next year.

We went for a two hour sail on the lake…I made a special pear arugula lunch with cucumber and hummus and we shared a caramel vanilla drumstick on the dock, then went out an read for an hour on the lake, the fell asleep on the boat in each other’s arms for about an hour, then came back here and stuffed our faces with Cheetos and oreos since we never have treats at home, watched an episode of Breaking Bad, and now he is making chicken brochettes with Greek salad and potatoes and tzicki.

It’s actually the perfect day. In our own special way. And last night we celebrated a bit too with our BFF’s who have been a very important part of our marriage this years and had a blast at a fancy resto and then back in the Jacuzzi for late night chats the four of us.

I could not ask for more..

Today we wrote our daughter an email at camp and generally just hung out. Since Friday at 4pm we have only been part for 1.25 hrs (45 mins when he went to the grocery store and would not let me come be he wanted to surprise me with my pens, and another 30 minutes today where  I forced him to go  sailing alone at end of day because I realized he might need some time to think without my constant chatter.

We are inseparable on vacation. And in life. We do things together always. Sure we have separate jobs and separate interests, He sings at choir and I see friends or shop. We do separate things sometimes-and love that time too. But most of our spare time is spent as a couple and as family. And I truly think that is the success of our 18 yrs. together through good and through bad. We love spending time alone or with others-but we also love spending time together and literally his version of the perfect day is very close to my version of the perfect day. And we try to bring to life those perfect days as often as possible.

We sleep at the same time and wake at the same time, relax at the same time and eat at the same time. Anything else if just not acceptable to either of us.

And that is why I can’t really go on a diet ever as he would divorce me as then I would be really boring and not eat Cheetos and drumsticks with him.

 

 My parents were a bit the same actually. They actually had a beautiful love story that I have let into my heart lately as I work though my childhood experiences in therapy. He was her professor at college and her 12 yrs. younger. And for many yrs before he became very sick –they would spend all their time together lovingly. They could not stand to be part and would call: “Changing levels!” when one went to another floor of the house (we had 4 levels). I always tucked that story they told me away as a precious memory-as proof that I had parents who loved each other. That meant something to me to know that my parents were in love. That they stayed together.

Until this year I have found it difficult to remember the good times about my Dad as there were many bad times that followed and eventually he and I barely spoke for years and years before his death a few years ago.. But as I sort through the impact he and his illness had on me in childhood and adolescence and come closer to understanding and peace around it…..I am able to open my heart and remember more of the good times.

And they were plentiful. And rich.

And life with my Mom was always outstanding. And warm and safe and wonderful. I could not ask for a better relationship with another human being overall. I am so lucky. It’s hard to have had such different experience with two parents  living under one roof providing two different types of parenting and not to have my love unified for both of them together. To have such different feelings and experiences with two people who loved each other but loved me in such different ways. I am struggling to put back the pieces and to have that make sense.

 Trying To stop drawing Triangles.

But I do know that they were inseparable for many years and very much in love for many years. And this comforts me. For whatever reason.

And makes me feel proud and good that in my own marriage-we are very much like that. I am glad I have that legacy.

And even prouder that I have allowed the memory and the comparison into into my fragile heart. Finally my heart is able to take it-and that is a big step.

18 yrs.…..wow…and if we can make it to the end of this year united and together and bonded..I truly believe we can make it through anything. And most importantly providing our three children a real life example, of resilience, courage, strength and love.

And that..I am prouder of then anything else.

Love in Action.

We are Here:

Today marks an important day in our lives : July 13 2014.

And what I have personally learnt most in the last 6 months is that there are many sources of joy in life..many. And many that we shelter ourselves from because often we get to busy or too lazy to go looking for them. But sometimes when we are forced to go looking for them…you realize :Where have these all been all of our lives?

I make it sound simple but really it is not. It might even sound romantic-but really it is not at all. It a a slow-unsteady- hard path full of bumps and waves and wind and rain.It is damn hard actually. But despite all the hard times there are some unpredicted moments too of beauty and discovery-of uncovering types of joy you did not know existed because you were not actively looking. They are nooks and crannies of joy that are hard to find-don’t occur that often…and are few and far between.

But they are there. And if you let them? They can comfort and envelope you into a warm blanket of life slowly, steadily and surely.

Today is 6 months. Today is the day that my husband had to give up alcohol 6 months ago-every single bit of it on top of everything else crazy happening in our lives since Nov 2013. For health reasons-because of a medication that he needs to take for his entire life that can tolerate no alcohol. Ever. And he did it. And it has been damn hard. But he has been amazing –truly truly amazing. He has said a firm goodbye to a very very close nightly companion he had-a way of living.

And the day at hand has become everything. One day all of this will become normal-but for now it is not. We are forced into the present day. All of us. Together. Day after day.

For now we continue the quest for other sources of joy that are plentiful around us. With our eyes wide open. Appreciating the gift of an ordinary day.

Understanding fully that in lives there are parallel lives to the one we come to expect and plan for . One wrong turn-one different direction-can take you off the course and onto that parallel existence that is awaiting you and unplanned. And you set foot on that path-and live in the present……And you live hand in hand (if you are lucky and very committed and very resilient) the path that the parallel life has planned for you-instead of the one you planned for yourself.

And then –and only then when you get to the end of that path- do you get to choose which one you prefer.

And before you live that unplanned parallel life you have no way of understanding how it is , how it feels or what it means. You go about your planned and perfect lives without knowledge of the other side. The darker side .

And you know what? I don’t get to know or understand  either.

As although I am a partner in pain. A wife in pain. A mother in pain. A daughter in pain. Watching it maybe can be worse. But most times? It is easier . And just like those on their planned paths…I really have no idea.  Yet.

For now I support. And I help keep standing. And I keep standing too.

 

 

 

Kidless and on Vacation

We started our three week holidays yesterday and are up at the cottage for three weeks! And the first 6 days without kids as we always do for years now as they are at sleep away camp. It’s a great formula and allows us to have some relaxing adult time and read and fully rest before we all start our family vacation together. It’s really nice.

It starts actually the week they leave for camp and although we have to work our asses off during the day and some evenings to prep to go away for 3 weeks-we have a few evenings that week to just have the house to ourselves-not pick anyone up at midnight at parties or friends places-not prepare any food for anyone-keep the house tidy and clean so easily. It’s a really different kind of week –even if we aren’t on vacation.

We brought our boat back to the yacht club near our house in the city but we were very unlucky with weather this year-high high high winds so paid for the week and got to use it once or twice onlyL But we watched movies and went out to dinner-and had time for each other and some really nice moments despite the weather.

 

An then we started holidays Friday night and very spontaneously took out my Mom out on a boat ride to dinner and had a great dinner with amazing food on a terrace the three of us together for an early bday celebration for her (we will do real celebration when kids back). That was a great start to holiday and nice to be three of us as so rare. Then Saturday morning came up to Trent and had a gorgeous sailing and boating day. Today….well crap crap crap weather of course rain and rain and freezing (and not supposed to get much better this week either), but we are reading and watching movies and all the things you do on a rainy day. We try not to let it get us down-but the reality is? Bad and cold and freezing and raining in July is just not acceptable!!!!

Tonight we have a dinner with BFF’s at a fancy resto that we both love. We are so happy that their cottage is 15 mins away from us so on vacations we get to spend time. Tonight is just the adults and then in 2 weeks we will go to their cottage for an evening of fishing and marshmallows with all the kids and we will bring some pizza. They have three kids below 6 yrs and we have three above 12 yrs but we are trying to bring them up like cousins. I babysit for them, as of two years from now I may take their kids yearly for a week while they go away, they are actively involved in our kids lives too and intervene as necessary into the teen troubles. I love the fact that our cottages are so close as we get these special times that we would miss otherwise as we are always at our cottage on weekends and so miss some of the fun stuff back in the city because of this. This is for both of our families a big treat being able to be at our cottages and also socialize. Love it. Guess it was not coincidence that they convinced us to buy this place (now we just have to transfer our big mortgage and financial anxiety over to them too!!!) lol.

So we treasure this time alone…like every year . But last night we also admitted to each other shyly that likely at this stage of your lives with the kids the age they are-we need it less than we did when they were younger. We still love it-but we need it a lot less. They are our buddies now…they are fun (in general)..we know our time with them is limited (girlfriends, jobs, school) so in a sense being with them is more important than being without them at this stage in our lives (although trust me this time alone is so precious too) But it was cool to identify that times are changing and there will be many years that we will be alone without our kids.

So next year the formula that has been working for some many years may be changing. Actually it definitely will as Bear will start his prep for counsellor in training for camp counsellor, Chase will definitely be working etc…..

But I am so happy that we were smart enough all these years to take this time alone. It got is to where we are now I believe…tomorrow celebrating 18 yrs of marriage!!!

Kids we love your and miss you-but having a great time without you too in rain, in sun, in clouds and in rainbows. Like real life we have made the commitment to run the course and stick together through it all-the journey of life. And one day I hope you too as parents take that time for you as a couple-and not only plan for it but fight for it and make sure it happens. Push away your anxiety and fear of leaving your own kids-and go with what is needed in a couple. As my biggest piece of advice to your future selves? Understand that your couplehood is the foundation of your parenthood (and not the reverse) Never forget yourselves and your marriage because you become parents. Never. Staying together is important as a family united-and to do that……you need to nurture yourselves as individuals outside of being parents. And that??? That is an order.

 

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

When I Become a Peach

I heard this great talk show on the radio the other night describing the colors of a woman’s path:

White-for before marriage (well…not so much. But ok!)

Red –for the years of childrearing and establishing a career (all the way fiery red for me bossy-dynamic-in charge-demanding!)

Black- (for when the kids are grown and we are done with careers and  we are getting prepared to die I guess?)

That being said, the talk show suggested that there is another color in there for women. The color of the 40’s and 50’s for those of us who had kids earlier on. And that color is PEACH.

And I am super super excited to be a peach. It put it all into a peachy perspective for me actually.

Peach is the time in our lives where we have a moment to think-to be creative-to devote more times to the career we love vs just bringing in the money-time to volunteer perhaps-explore hobbies-discover the landscape of our lives?

Peach is really our only time to get it right really.

Peach is between red and white –a mix of both colors. We are in innocent in the sense we are not dead yet I guess? We still need to be fiery and productive as we are still raising kids but maybe we do not have to clean up their puke as often. And if we are we are not hearing their crying, but listening to our in-pods while mopping maybe?

We have more time as our kids get older-but less brain space. More worry and less fuss. More time for ourselves and less time to really  sleep. PEACH is a whole world within itself.

I can’t wait to be peach but paradoxically PEACV is a damn scary place to be. Who will I be when I am not red? Will I be lovely and shy? I doubt it! But I can feel myself softening as I get older (both literally and in the philosophical sense)

I am fuzzier and nicer. Much more forgiving.

I have a feeling that PEACH is going to be a nice decade for me (when I get to be peach that is)

I really don’t want to go from red to black. I am so not ready to be dead yet. I am actually feeling very white too lately-so black is just so not me (I never did like Goth as a style)

Right now I would say I am transitioning to a bright coral. Peach is at least 5 yrs. away.

But I am excited. Especially in the career sense for PEACH. The way I am doing my career this year is nothing like before-I am already turning into a peach.

And I expect to get peachier and peachier and nicer and nicer.

I like uncovering these things

And glad that now I have a word that symbolized what runs through my crazy brain.

PEACH. Love it.

 

Message from the Winds/ By: Tarina Lauren Kate

Calm before  storm

The sun and blue sky blend in perfect unison.

The water still-like  mirror. It calls our name. Of course it does.

We go. We always do.

A flash and  the wind screams and blows.

The caps on the water are white; the sky dark

The clouds take on a different shape. Beautiful.

Th birds don’t linger

It feels more autumn and less summer

All within a single instant.

And we watch it we do. We soak it in. It is part of us that wind.

The wind not replacing the sun;  enhancing it.

The wind is angry but also powerful; if ever I die I would be the wind-I would send my messages that way.

The wind  persists then is -calmed.

Tenderness returned

Sweet tenderness we allow

Is it the first time I have not been afraid?

How does he see me now in this new light? Who am I without what always was?

The air changed

Two bodies-two lives entangled in love

Time for loving. Time for us

Away from the realities-yet in the know

Yet desperately entwined in it all

The beautiful million colors of the rainbow-did you know it has shades the eyes cannot see?

Patience is a virtue. Patience is necessary.

Patience is Hard. Hard. Hard. Good. Good Good.

And as I fell into slumber-I smiled

I stopped holding my breath so tightly

I let my jaw become loose

A smile for the sun who is me

A smile for the wind who is me

Understanding that I am whole and complete as I am.

That I am cherished and adored.

That love is there. Again

That I stepped away from the door and into my own life

Ad that now we are ready one step at a time to discover the real landscape our our lives.

Tenderly. Angrily. Powerfully. Courageously.

United in pain and wonder

We have arrived. With the wind.

 

Dancing Girl

I can never say enough good things about the school our kids are attending. Each time I enter those doors it hits me in the face of how blessed we are they all three got in. It was such a journey and sooooooo much preparation and work to get them there and in specialized programs but worth every minute and every penny.

Today was Beauty’s dance recital. As part of her dance program she begins in sept there for high school she has to attend a two week camp that started the day after school ended for grade 6. It is an intensive preparatory integration camp and they learn 5 types of dance in two weeks and then put on a recital.

OMG is all I can say. Honestly most of this show was better than something people would pay for professionally. It is actually unbelievable what they do with these girls. Totally in awe. But more even than the dance it is the control and discipline they have over such large groups of teens. I have never ever seen in my life hundreds of teens behave in the ways that these students are taught to behave.

Each time I have entered that school for my sons –same thing. It impresses me to no end. Beautifully behaved teens with happiness and joy written all over their faces-hungry for education. I think it is the programs that do it-the sports and the dance etc. where you have to maintain a certain average to stay in the program (or the school!) No exceptions. Pointe Finals. Excellent and excellent behavior –or you are out. If you are caught bullying, smoking, drugs etc..no chances. OUT.

Whatever formula it is..it works.

And at this school it appears that the real teenage stuff (parties, drinking etc) get started only in the later years-grade 10..vs earlier years where slight experimatentions but nothing more from most students. And this is a blessing as kids who are older are better able to handle these decisions and situations.

It was such a pleasure to see our daughter up there on that stage today. I was worried about her as she missed the last 2 days of camp as she was sick and had 20 minutes this morning to learn jazz, ballet, contemporary routines and I was thinking maybe even Argentinian flamenco routines! And she did it-like a pro. My heart was beating very fast for her a she managed to stay in almost perfect sync with all the girls who actually had three days to learn the routines. I was proud of her.

And tonight she is dancing and dancing to French music and twirling and trying out all different moves. I can see that she is totally in love with her upcoming education and dance program and my heart is happy for her. Again. It was all worth it. And even if these two weeks were exhausting for her ….it is her life and it is amazing to watch a child blossom into such a passion and talent.

 

Tonight my gratitude is for the high school that will shelter our three teens next year all at once for one year…they will all be at the place that I can truly say is doing a brilliant job of making my own three teens disciplined, motivated to go to school and wanting with all their hearts to do well in the subjects and their specializations. It has given them passion….and a love of education for the most part. And I honestly could not ask for  anything more from an institution.