My 2015 Word Is:

Flow

Yep that is it. Flow. And more specifically-finding it in myself.

Some may call it a mid-life crisis-others a need for change. Other might up their antidepressants. Some restless-hunger-drive. I call it Flow in myself. Seeking it…finding it..capturing it..claiming it (or reclaiming it..and living it to it’s fullest).

Flow. Ahh..I am already more peace and serenity just having said it aloud. I love the sound of it. It has been inside my heart for more than a few months now and feels good to get it out.

From the very first time in my life since adolescence I have a curiosity about myself-a fire in my belly -I think you would call it. I am curious to find out more about myself outside of my very comfortable and comfy roles of business woman, mother, wife and daughter. Outside of these 4 complex and extremely rewarding roles..Who am I exactly? I truly do not know. As those roles are everything to me. They define every single moment of every single day for me. All my brain waves have always been headed in that direction without questioning it.

Will I abandon my job, my kids, my husband and my mom? NEVER. EVER. EVER. Not even a tiny chance. This is not an exercise in changing-it  is probably an exercise in adapting and enriching. I actually don’t know what it is an exercise in because I have never done it or even thought about it.

What does finding my flow entail? Does it mean taking some salsa lessons, Pilates on the beach? Drinking some alcohol and getting drunk? Speaking a new language? Taking up a new sport? Belly dancing? Getting a new haircut? Painting my nails more often? Beoing sexier? Nicer? More charitable? Socializing more? Getting out more? Making some new friends?  Being religious? Taking up social dancing with my husband? Kissing longer? Finding my passionate side? Leaving the island, city or country? Expecting more of my friendships? Expecting less? Being more selective?  Whitewater rafting ? What does it mean???

Part of the flow will mean going with the flow and allowing me the adventure to unfold. I have a feeling people close to me and around me might act a little surprised. And you know what? I am perfectly ok with that. I expect a bit of a backlash. You don’t start doing things differently after 20 yrs and expect people around you to just say nothing.

I am excited to flow. To find Flow. I am excited to find her. And define her and add her to my beautiful life. To make space for that girl who is not just a career woman and wife and mother and daughter. Whose thoughts are sometimes outside of the realm of those particular circles. I am excited to see where my thoughts take me.

What comes to mind initially? Yoga. Losing more weight. Staying out one night all night and dancing with a couple of my  BFF’s. Getting closer to nature. Writing that book of my own which I intend to be a bestseller . Taking the executive at my office up on her idea to contribute to a book she was asked to write by a publisher and have guaranteed publishing. Getting really busy in a creative way with work. Funding my Purpose in my career. Taking a trip alone down  south (if I am brave enough!) with my vacation carryover to do yoga and Pilates and eat healthy and write a book on a beach and tap back into the part of myself that likes talking to people and tasting new foods. Being daring and adventurous. Sleeping in more often and getting up earlier more often too. Taking a walk on the beach at sunset and sundown-maybe even a run. Risking loving others more than I am loved .Going back to making ice rinks on the lake and picking up the shovel.

And maybe even getting a dog to love and caring for it.Something we have resisted and resisted for decades. Could a dog be my flow? Maybe. Maybe not.

Most of all-finding my flow? Will mean even realizing I have one. Responsible career as of 21 yrs old-living with responsible man 12 yrs my elder at 22, married by 24 and three kids by 29 yrs old, married now for close to 19 yrs…has kept me very very very busy and preoccupied for exactly two decades now. I am in awe that of all of my circle I am the one married for nearly two decades with three kids! I was alwalys the restless one.

But I remember that girl who was passionate and hungry and driven and open and excited and alive and very loving and lovable as if it was yesterday. Sitting on my parent’s deck until 5am with boys and friends and lovers and dreams. But many parts of her have been buried but she is still in there. And I intend to meet her again. And introduce her to my new and cherished life. Blend her in a little more.

And instead of my words being for others this year like being patient and serene because I know will have a better impact on those around me that I love?

My word for 2015 ..is just for me. For this year it's going to need to be.Me Myself and I. As I write it it sounds shocking but my words forever have always been for others.I am a master of the nuturing.

Stay tuned. This blog may get a whole lot more exciting in 2015

PS-I guess blog readers like to know what my word is for the year as Jan 1 on my stats is quadruple the readers I normally have! That's alot of readers! Glad I am still keeping some of you interested!)

New Year 2015!!!

It’s funny. New Year’s is actually one of my most important, fun and significant holidays. I think I like it the best. I have always felt it is an important holiday bringing in the New Year and have always been a bit supersticious around the way we bring it it defines our year to a large extent. Not what we do only-but how we feel that day. Out of all the holidays it is New Years I like preparing for most and planning for and having traditions around. I love Dec 31 and Jan 1.

such a nice dinner and gang. couldn't have asked for a nicer evening!

Girls!

This year was a wonderful one. Had a great time on Chase bday in day and then dropped him off and went to the Holidays house with the Sweerthearts It has been over 10 yrs. now for new year’s doing this and alternating parties between their homes for the 31^{st. th}   This year was a lot more intimate with about 12 adults and about maybe 15 kids. Usually triple that amount which we enjoy less.

The boys!

The girls!

The BFF girlies

Was interesting too-I felt pretty special. A few of the people I know less there heard from our friends I co-authored a book that will be published and were super impressed..made me feel so good. They were asking all about the book and topic and  wanted to host a book signing and book discussion group for me when book comes out! Felt so odd..and I felt so proud.

Me , Miss Sweetheart and Miss Holiday:)

This was the perfect size party and a sit down dinner for adults for hours on end with sushi and yummy appetizers and desserts. When it was 11:55pm no one could believe that time had passed so quickly. The kids had a sushi buffet and all played in the basement all night. Ages 5-15yrs like always and they had a blast as usual despite all the age differences. At midnight adults and kids joined to countdown and hang out. We left the party at 1:30am.Was such a super night. I love this gang-and there was a couple we got to know better last night too and can see us becoming closer with them. Fun.

The most significant part of the night for me was that at one point I wanted to take a picture and had a glass of champagne in my hand. Hubby had a champagne glass of Perrier. I gave him my glass to hold without noticing I did so. I came back about 5 mins later and realized he was holding my champagne glass. For me this was a grateful moment to end 2014 with. A blissful 5 min of of oblivious and forgetting. A peep into the 2015 and our “new normal” If ever I write a book about this journey it will include this moment. Very significant to me (less to him!!)

A few things happened yesterday that I will remember. Because it was Dec 31.

 My mom wrote me a text that it has been two days that she felt almost normal health wise and feels like has been forever I have heard any good news from her around health. This won’t last  necessarily as totally all over the place and inconsistent but it is a sign in a better direction that she would have two good days. Also we received a beautiful picture in the mail of my eldest brother’s two girls (my nieces) and it made my heart feel happy. Also a special little gift from them for Beauty. It was signifant to me that this was received on Dec 31.

Also my husband and the way he was yesterday night. Some great parts and some less great parts. Things I realized I adore about him and other things that made me hurt a little too. It reminded me of where I need to put my energy this year in 2015.

Overall it was a wonderful new year and by far  my fave holiday of the year. It was authentic and real.

Stay tuned for my word of 2015 tomorrow!

first new year without our boy. survived and thrived!

Chase Turns 17!!!!

Aww Chase…how do I even articulate what happened to you this year??You grew up my boy!!! You did it. You are unrecognizable from the inside since a year ago..On the outside still some similarities and a lot of differences too.

And it has been and is such an honour to watch this all happen.

Our baby. Our eldest. The kid we make all our mistakes on and experience all our first teenage triumphs on.

For the first time very Chase spends his birthday away from us in the evening. First time ever he will not come to the New Year’s party we go to every year with our gang of BFF’s. He opted out. And you know what he will do for New Year and his bday? He will go out to dinner with his girlfriend and then was invited to hang at her house for New Year’s even with her family and then spend the night there!!! OMG! Her mom and I said yes as long as she and I got to text about it and she assured me where he would sleep is a “safe distance” from her daughter’s roomJ Love this lady alreadyJ

Chase woke up at the cottage to birthday basket and a little hunt for his treats with loonies (which we capped off at 16 as the denatal association will put is in jail if we give more than 16 treats. We still gave 17 in loonies though. We had breakfast out at Pizza Pizza as a family and Chase did his yearly bday tradition with his dad of riding the 4 by 4 to the village and for the second year in a row he of course was the driver with his dad on the back.

A stop at the fave clothing  on the agenda where the kids can cash in on their coupon for a piece of clothing from Xmas present and off to our (separate) new year’s plans. A little sadly. And a little secretly proud of our son. Part of growing up is doing your own thing and he sure is doing it. Mixed emotions and bittersweet.

This year for Chase?? Won most improved grades point average in Sec 5 out of 10 classes of 38 students, becoming a science /math guy in lots of ways which is still bloody unbelievable for someone who was almost failing math 4 yrs. ago and is now in the advanced advanced stream and holding his own, he has his first job (whole other post about this) not making too much money but already has a big gang of other ski monitors at the hill and I bet he will have the time of his life this winter (making no money!!!)..first real girlfriend for about 5 months now, a super nice gang of guy friends at school that he spends time with regular and still one of the sweetest most loving affectionate teens we know (with an occasional/often bad temper and bad attitude (sound a lot like his mommy!!) He has definitely introduced us to all the teenage stuff this year and initiated us-but in a very controlled way in fact. He is a good good teen in general and if our other two can be this good ;then teens are a piece of cake (with some occasional/often days that make you want to kill yourself as a parent)

Les Boys. So close to his Dad and brother:))I never imagined my sons would have as close a relationship as they do

I often have to force him to do stuff (and then he has fun).Tthis time was forced snowshoeing through the beautiful forest

I will never stop worrying about this boy and never ever stop adoring him. He is truly a wonderful person and a pride and joy and I am so very happy to share with him the close relationship that we do. We are so very proud of who he is and what he is becoming.

Halloween Penguins (there were 25 of them!!!) . This is his BFF (my adopted son) Matthieu who he met in kindergarten

It is a true pleasure to raise Chase.

One year from 18 yrs old-a fully legal adult!!!!!!!!

The No Pay-No Experience Job

As you all know Chase was over the moon to be hired as a ski instructor. He wore that ski suit with pride the first day on the job and was so pumped to be important enough to provide a social security number, bank account number and has to set an alarm on the holidays to go to work.

On the holidays he has to work 4 full days in order to get a bonus. The actual job is every Saturday and Sunday all day Jan 9-March 9- but in order to qualify for the bonus (which they never told him what it is) he also has to work 4 full days over the holiday period.

So of course he did as he wants the bonus and his parents are hard core work ethic people. All sounds good so far right?

Well the first day he went he sat for 8 hrs alone and skied in between by himself as he didn’t know anybody else and he wasn’t chosen to give lessons. Well I guess that would be ok right if you were still paid something? But here’s the catch-you are not paid unless you get lessons. And here’s the other catch there are at least 35 monitors most with way more seniority than you. This amazing system carries on into Jan-March as it is the more experienced coaches who get the regular group lessons and all the rest who take a lesson here and there is there is a walk in.

What kind of job is this???? No wonder they won’t give the kids or parents any info  when we have inquiries. Nobody would take this job!

But..but..but they get the ski pass free for the season!!!!! 375 dollars! What a great perk! But hey we pay that anyways for Chase  (as I am sure most parents do) so now what we will do is give him that amount. But..But it gets better-he has to rent the ski suit to be a monitor for 75 dollars so we have to deduct that from the 375. So this is the job for the entire winter that every single day we have to get up early for and take two cars on weekends for and miss a couple of really fun events for?? My heart was pumping fast and furious the first day when he got back from “work” . Chases’ mood was very very bad too-he was really really pissed.

The control freak I am I wanted soooooo much to pick up that phone and call his employers…but I held off. His job. He has to deal with it. Chalked it up to a good learning experience for him. It’s amazing how much teens are taken advantage of in the workplace-had never realized this before. It’s truly pathetic.

Well the second day..same thing…no lessons for him and there 8 hrs!!! OMG!!! But..this time a few girls who are also monitors asked him to ski with them and eat lunch with them. Through these girls he met a couple of guys…”not friends with them” but they are “ok” so he came home that day still no pay or work experience but he skied whole day with a little gang that “he kind of liked” he was much happier. We went from furious to neutral.

The third day he went he got an hour and a half lesson with a 6 yr. old from Norway named George. He was thrilled to make that 18 dollars and over the moon with pride!!! And he made a new gang of older ski instructors 17-18 yrs. who told him he is a “cool” guy and they want to hang out with him even if he is a newbie. Wow. He came home totally excited and pumped and had a super day. He is excited too that his 18 dollars will be automatically deposited into his bank account (costs us much more than that in gas there and back!!) and we found out what the bonus is for those 4 days too! Instead of 11 dollars/hr the kids who did the 4 days get 12 dollars-for the likely few hrs he will work all winter in lessons. So amazing we are looking at maybe 5-10 extra dollars for the season!!! Wow!! (sarcastic)

He is also very excited that this whole ski monitor thing is a bit fraternity too. The other have initiations for the newbies etc and this is all new and exciting for him. Was so cute he even asked us”what is I have to get drunk???” funny that at almost 17 he even mentions it to us-very responsible guy and always wants our permission for things still.

Thanks goodness that I am programmed and wired to always keep the end goal in mind when I or family embarks on something. It saves me every time. And in this situation it became crystal clear. There were many reasons we wanted Chase to be a ski instructor this year and very few of them had anything with him making money-so in the end as crazy as it may seem this job is meeting the goals we were hoping for him at this stage in his life.

Let’s make a checklist:

-Extra money  for him to start paying more of his expenses (not so much clearly!)

-Work experience (here and there I guess in terms of teaching kids but has to show up every day, have a boss, be part of team, go to tons of trainings, communicate, get money deposited etc.)

-Responsibility (tons of it as has to not be crazy skiing  on mountain to set example as wearing uniform, check in every hr with boss at hill, on a very set schedule etc.)

-Wanting him to be part of a team (for sure!)

-Wanting him to establish a social life at cottage so that he will want to come here often, want to be here in future and be very connected to the mountain so that he will want to raise his kids skiing on this hill near us (check! Check! check!)

-Feel good about himself and confident (seems to feel pretty good and confident!)

-Learn how hard it is to make a dollar (that is for sure!)

-Won’t take work for granted to think it is easy (that is for sure –to make 18 dollars had to work 32 hrs!)

-Keeping him busy and out of trouble (this is for sure as each day and weekend now has something to do that he kind of seems to like. For us this is one of reasons our three kids go to school they do-it as a busy and stimulating machine and a big reason as to why none of kids there get into drugs and alcohol too heavily etc. as literally  no time!)

So not necessarily as much as a great job as  it is is great lesson for him. And more importantly for me..as with the wait and see approach that is good for me (vs pick up the phone and fix this for my son!) . I bet at the end of the season he will have achieved all the goals with a number of lessons on his belt, some good pay with the lessons that hopefully will increase in the better winter conditions and the 300 dollars he will get from the free pass)

We are learning as we go along and reminded of the important lesson of “Keep the end in mind” And most importantly growing up alongside out eldest teenage son and learning the ropes of exactly how to do this stage successfully.

Our 2014 Christmas

It felt different this year-everything about it was different. Different not being a good thing or bad thing-just different. Just like the rest of 2014-Chrsitams followed suit and had its own unique flavor.

The 24^th for la Reveillon I worked part of the day and then ended up doing errands out all afternoon with Bear as he grew 4 inches it seems in the last week so his boots don’t fit, skates don’t fit and cross country skis don’t fit-all things required for cottage vacation!!!! We were on a bigger foot shopping mission (and  secretly sneaked an Indian lunch in between at our fave buffet)

Thank goodness I have an excellent “wife” at home (we all laughed about this term this week but really I do!!!) He/she basted the turkey and made chestnut stuffing and mashed potatoes, cranberries, homemade coleslaw –and basically everything else. Chase had his girlfriend over and was cute to see him give her gifts (big cozy socks and a big cozy blanket that he wrapped her up in all afternoon on our new basement couch!. Beauty hung around and carefully wrapped all her gifts and made beautiful homemade cards for each-she is so sweet when it comes to stuff like that.

Then I got home and we all made the Christmas table together and got the house ready for our guests. Chase made us all mad with some really rude attitude and that was kinda crappy but then we made up and I think he learnt his lesson as his Dad rarely scream at him and he did. Nobody likes that as it is such a rare occurrence (when I scream nobody even notices as happens so often!)

Hubby’s niece and her two girls and nephew and his  boys and my mom came. It was a smaller Christmas than we usually host but very nice and intimate. Because we are only 12 people we got to sit down in the dining room all together at the table. We did the traditional turkey dinner this year whereas usually we do the French cuisine. My mom in last few days has gone from barely functioning much to functioning with still lots of headaches and  lots of rests which is a step in the right direction and we pray continues as has only been three days of this newer transition in her concussion.

We had a great and lovely night. Spontaneously at 10pm Hubby gathered up a big gang and they went to the mass at the Catholic Church in the village which he often does on X-mas with one of our kids each year. But this year he had a whole gang with him and that was fun. I always stay home to fill the stockings and clean up the whole place (which was also his parent’s tradition so he likes this as then I go back to being the wife). Chase and our nephew opted to stay home and bond over video games and my Mom stayed in and took a rest. I loved that is was so spontaneous and free each member of the family doing what was best and fun for them on that special evening. It was symbolic to me and special that we juts all went with our own flow.

Back at home around midnight guests left and we the six of us did pyjamas for the kids tradition (we decided not adults this year) and then started a new tradition of Hubby delivering a Christmas message to our family. This year he talked about traditions and the meaning of them and talked about his childhood and x-mas eve. It was 1:30am by the time everyone got to bed and then 2:30am by the time Hubby and I wrapped the final gifts and debriefed in bed about the evening. We love our pillow talks-it defines us as a couple.

And you know what? All the above was done over sparking pomegranate cider and non-alcoholic beer. Which was certainly a first for us and our guests? It was interesting to analyze the night from that lens. If I let my mind go there and we allow our selves to speak about it freely-there is a whole lot to say.

Christmas morning was at 9am and we all huddled in our bed with my mom and went down to the tree together. Kids stockings first and then adult stockings one by one and then gifts with a break in between for cinammen buns and fruit salad. And it was all very lovely and calm and happy. Three teens give a new flavor to Xmas for sure-very very different. They were all very very happy with the gifts they received which made me very pleased as I took a lot of care and attention this year and also significantly slenderized our Christmas spend and so was happy to see them all so happy. It was a really nice and calm day and the afternoon was spent playing with new video games-wearing new clothes and hanging out with my Mom. Turkey sandwiches for lunch over my new candles Chase gave me.. I  loved all the little stocking stuffers our kids gave me: lip balm and a new cup for shakes from Beauty-candles that light up electrically from Chase and “after eight” mints from Bear. Simple and perfect.

As Christmas evening crept closer my melancholy set in which it often does. And it is not because Christmas is coming to an end-I really don’t care about that part. It is perhaps bc Christmas night we rarely have anything to do while so many friends and colleagues I know celebrate days on end around the holidays. It always reminds me of how small our families are in most ways with having lost three grandfathers over 6 yrs. and the fact that  we only have one parent alive (my Mom!!) who is single and so all of the hosting is done by us. Christmas night always reminds me of what we don’t have-where the 24 and day of 35 remind me of all the blessings we do have.

On Christmas night we often feel alone and different. I miss my Grandpa and our Grandpapa Max. I miss that feeling of being invited over to a cozy dinner at someone else’s home to continue the festivities. I often feel sad and this Christmas was really really melancoly by 5pm for a number of reasons above and beyond this for all of us I think in different ways.

We gathered the kids and packed again and stopped at Thai express and Tim Horton’s for a pathetic lonely dinner. Then got at cottage and everyone fell asleep on the couches in front of TV’s or fires. It was a hard night I think for all after a beautiful Christmas celebration. It made me realize something has to change-I am not sure what it is yet but I know it is something.

And then we slept and slept and slept and slept and this was the good part. We all woke up happy and refreshed and feeling good again. Hubby and I woke up at 11:49 am!!!!!!! Chase and Beauty got up around 11:00are and Bear just woke up at 1:19pm!!!!! This never ever happens-it was shocking!!!! We declared today “Lazy day” everyone gets to be on their phones-computers-TV’s reading-whateverness. Love it. (Minus a cross country ski and walk to the bakery for fresh bread and a family Jacuzzi and a game of Clue). Parents are going to serve kids tonight and make fajitas and cupcakes and clean the kitchen too no kids helping.(that never happends either!) We are all very very content again today.

I woke up to my husband telling me how much he loves me and snuggling me with a back massage in bed holding me in his arms telling me he wanted to stay in bed all day with me. This felt good as we have been a bit distant as of late and has weighted heavily on my heart. I felt loved again (partially) today by my Guy. It made everything brighter for me.

Christmas 2014 was wonderful. And a bit sad too. And different. And unique. It felt comforting and familiar-as well as distancing and a bit alienating. In actuality it was exactly what our 2014 year held. And at the end of it all-we are our family of 5 curled here on “lazy day” which has been exactly what our year has held true of us too. Less friends-less family-less togetherness with the outside world (which has been very hard) but our togetherness inside our family for the five us us has never faltered. It never has

And now onto my fave part of the holidays upcoming-a New Year!

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to all from our family to yours!!!!

My wishes for every blog  reader  is:

1    HEALTH. Nothing in the world is more precious

2-     To take the happiness and joy, traditions , generosity and deliberate love you feel in your hearts during this holidays season-and ensure all of 2015 and beyond is filled to the brim with it!!!!!

3-Give yourself the "present" this year to be "present" in the moment as much as possible. Be with your family, your friends, your work, your imagination, your hobbies and your books fully and in the moment. Don't let the pull of technology steal those precious moments.

Love

Tarina Lauren Kate

PS-Stay tuned soon for my word for 2015.It became very clear to me over the last few days

 

Happy Holidays!!!!! We just all went to bed (well except the Santa parents!) and it is 1:30am. We had lots of guests over and most went to midnight mass.We laughed in our new Christams Pyjamas and our Didi did a silly dance and kinda mooned us! Daddy gave us a Christmas message too. It was a different kind of Christmas Eve..and at first we were not so into into-but it ended up quite perfect actually:)))

I Forgot

The Universe is not kidding when they say time heals are they? Truly it is the only healer. Thank goodness for time. If you had told me almost a year ago that I would forget the below few things even for an instant I would have laughed out loud:

1-Forget my daughter wears a body brace at night???

2-Forget to ask my Mom about her health on the phone one day and talk about other things?

3-Forget that we have or had three big social events coming up and that my husband won’t be drinking alcohol on these occasions or any occasions?

Well it happened. Al three times this week. Beauty fell asleep on front of fire last night and Hubby and I said “aww she is so cute-let her sleep there all night. This morning realized no brace!!!

Yesterday first conversation with my Mom on phone where I did not ask her how her head was doing and/or was not aware that I was consciously trying not to ask her how her head was doing. Just a nice old conversation like we used to have a year ago about friends and kids and life. Felt so goodJ

And the party last week for my husband‘s office that he got home at 1am did not obsess about how he was feeling not drinking or how he was feeling in general.. And New Year’s coming up and Christmas and I can actually picture it all without going into a full on panic . Hopefully he is also feeling similar? Hard to know and hard to talk about between us and will always be I imagine.

My hope is that Beauty, My Mom and My Hubby are also feeling time on their side as 2014 ends. And that maybe? Things are feeling a little easier for everyone to handle. My personal challenge will be to find ways to occupy all the leftover brain space in my mind now that all the things that kept my mind hostage in 2014….might actually be freed.