Flow
Yep that is it. Flow. And more specifically-finding it in
myself.
Some may call it a mid-life crisis-others a need for
change. Other might up their antidepressants. Some restless-hunger-drive. I call
it Flow in myself. Seeking it…finding it..capturing it..claiming it (or reclaiming
it..and living it to it’s fullest).
Flow. Ahh..I am already more peace and serenity just having
said it aloud. I love the sound of it. It has been inside my heart for more than
a few months now and feels good to get it out.
From the very first time in my life since adolescence I
have a curiosity about myself-a fire in my belly -I think you would call it. I
am curious to find out more about myself outside of my very comfortable and
comfy roles of business woman, mother, wife and daughter. Outside of these 4 complex
and extremely rewarding roles..Who am I exactly? I truly do not know. As those
roles are everything to me. They define every single moment of every single day
for me. All my brain waves have always been headed in that direction without
questioning it.
Will I abandon my job, my kids, my husband and my mom?
NEVER. EVER. EVER. Not even a tiny chance. This is not an exercise in changing-it
is probably an exercise in adapting and
enriching. I actually don’t know what it is an exercise in because I have never
done it or even thought about it.
What does finding my flow entail? Does it mean taking
some salsa lessons, Pilates on the beach? Drinking some alcohol and getting drunk?
Speaking a new language? Taking up a new sport? Belly dancing? Getting a new
haircut? Painting my nails more often? Beoing sexier? Nicer? More charitable? Socializing
more? Getting out more? Making some new friends? Being religious? Taking up social dancing with
my husband? Kissing longer? Finding my passionate side? Leaving the island,
city or country? Expecting more of my friendships? Expecting less? Being more
selective? Whitewater rafting ? What
does it mean???
Part of the flow will mean going with the flow and
allowing me the adventure to unfold. I have a feeling people close to me and
around me might act a little surprised. And you know what? I am perfectly ok
with that. I expect a bit of a backlash. You don’t start doing things
differently after 20 yrs and expect people around you to just say nothing.
I am excited to flow. To find Flow. I am excited to find
her. And define her and add her to my beautiful life. To make space for that
girl who is not just a career woman and wife and mother and daughter. Whose
thoughts are sometimes outside of the realm of those particular circles. I am
excited to see where my thoughts take me.
What comes to mind initially? Yoga. Losing more weight.
Staying out one night all night and dancing with a couple of my BFF’s. Getting closer to nature. Writing that
book of my own which I intend to be a bestseller . Taking the executive at my
office up on her idea to contribute to a book she was asked to write by a
publisher and have guaranteed publishing. Getting really busy in a creative way
with work. Funding my Purpose in my career. Taking a trip alone down south (if I am brave enough!) with my vacation
carryover to do yoga and Pilates and eat healthy and write a book on a beach
and tap back into the part of myself that likes talking to people and tasting
new foods. Being daring and adventurous. Sleeping in more often and getting up
earlier more often too. Taking a walk on the beach at sunset and sundown-maybe
even a run. Risking loving others more than I am loved .Going back to making ice
rinks on the lake and picking up the shovel.
And maybe even getting a dog to love and caring for it.Something
we have resisted and resisted for decades. Could a dog be my flow? Maybe. Maybe
not.
Most of all-finding my flow? Will mean even realizing I
have one. Responsible career as of 21 yrs old-living with responsible man 12
yrs my elder at 22, married by 24 and three kids by 29 yrs old, married now for
close to 19 yrs…has kept me very very very busy and preoccupied for exactly two
decades now. I am in awe that of all of my circle I am the one married for nearly two decades with three kids! I was alwalys the restless one.
But I remember that girl who was passionate and hungry
and driven and open and excited and alive and very loving and lovable as if it
was yesterday. Sitting on my parent’s deck until 5am with boys and friends and
lovers and dreams. But many parts of her have been buried but she is still in
there. And I intend to meet her again. And introduce her to my new and cherished
life. Blend her in a little more.
And instead of my words being for others this year like
being patient and serene because I know will have a better impact on those
around me that I love?
My word for 2015 ..is just for me. For this year it's going to need to be.Me Myself and I. As I write it it sounds shocking but my words forever have always been for others.I am a master of the nuturing.
Stay tuned. This blog may get a whole lot more exciting
in 2015
PS-I guess blog readers like to know what my word is for the year as Jan 1 on my stats is quadruple the readers I normally have! That's alot of readers! Glad I am still keeping some of you interested!)
