Playing it Back

There are a few incidents that happened over the last couple of days that I cannot get the images out of my mind. I replay them and replay them even though I don’t want to. I imagine what would have been? Or what could have happened?

And thank the universe that it was on our side. Thank-you

We had not slept in past 6:30am for about 21 days straight and chose Thursday to do so unitil 7:30am (wow what a treat eh such a sleep in!) Kids called friends and got lifts.

Phone rings at 7:33am and Beauty has been in a car accident L((((Nobody was hurt at all thank God!!!!!!  The friend’s Dad hit black ice and car turned partially on its side and all airbags back and front deployed. It could have been really bad. But it wasn’t. It left three girls very shaken up and the Dad extremely shaken up. He called later in tears……saying sorry. We never for a moment thought to blame him-it could have happened to any of us. We are just so so so happy the people in the car are perfectly ok. The car is finished but no one cares. The girls got s lift to school from an onlooker. The Mom of one of the girls (wife of the driver)went to school and took the girls out of class and took them for juice and snacks…Hubby had a lunch date with Beauty so she could speak about it and he could hold her. We were all so grateful. It was a hard day and I kept repeating over and over in my mind what could have happened.

That day at work-a bunch of things happened that normally would have really disturbed me and made me anxious. I won’t even be silly enough to think they belong anywhere near this particular post right now. But I was confused and needed some tender loving care. Hubby stayed up good hours into the evening talking with me. We went to bed.

I remember thinking before I fell asleep just how much I loved him.

I had a good sleep but at 5:00am my mind started spinning again about Beauty’s accident and about work –I could not get back to sleep. At 5:50am Hubby beside me gets out of bed to go to the bathroom. Something about the way he pulled of the comforter so abruptly confused me. He stood up and immediately fell from standing to on his back unconscious on the floor. I have never heard a bigger bang.

Even as I write this I want to shut my eyes and scream. Those few moments were traumatic  and I can never forget them. I rushed over to him and realized he was unconscious and he looked almost in pain…he would not respond. I was 100 percent sure he was having a heart attack or had a brain tumor….I was screaming and screaming so loud and shaking him so hard and he would not wake up.

The moment I remember most is not the shock of it all and not the action part and the ambulance coming. It was the approx. 10 seconds in between shock and action that I replay over and over in my head. When I was screaming and looking down at him and realizing this is probably it. I won’t be loved by this guy anymore and neither will the kids…we need him. We won’t be given the chance to love him in our lives anymore

My mind turned to action and I called 911 and was hyperventilating on the phone and could barely get our address. Somewhere during that call he woke up. Somewhere during it all the kids were all in our room. I have no idea when they came in, if they saw their father naked and unconscious on the floor if they saw it all….it’s all a blur. Suddenly Hubby was saying to me-no it’s ok no ambulance. I can’t go to the hospital –we need to be in court today and I have to prepare the file

Hit head had a big bump and blood was coming out of it. We got him in bed and he was fully alert. The ambulance showed up 25 mins later and stayed for 45 mins running EKGs, tests, blood sugar, vital signs, blood pressure. All normal. A mystery. He was back and back to us. Life would not change. This time we were give the lucky cards.

We were in shock over it. The kids arranged for other parents to take them to school, we lingered in bed in shock, we got up and Hubby prepared the file. We both showed up in court after mornings at work and hard meetings, we won our water infiltration case at half the amount we claimed. We went out for lunch and went to buy the boys some socks and Beauty some underwear.

The day went on but too much happened to ever really forget. Beauty was in a car accident. I thought my husband was going to die. We arrived at the cottage at midnight last night and volunteered at the mountain as of 7:45 am. Life continues. But the images stay in my mind and in my heart.

Especially of my husband. I have never loved him more than when he came back to us. To me..To comfort me and take care of me when the phone rings and our daughter is scared. To shares my work decisions. To live this life together that we have crafted and created and nurtured and designed.

I feel luckier today than I have in a long time.

2014 almost killed us. 2015 has blessed us so far.what could have happened in our family this week..did not.

Thank-you

The Green Eyed Monster

 

In following some blogs over the last few months-boy are people jealous of other people! Especially those with money, time off, ability to travel and who speak about it very indiscreetly on their blogs!

Green green.

 

A few comments:

 

It is sad to see people so jealous that in turn can make them mean

I really respect when someone admits they are jealous

 

I think many blogs bring out the worst in people in lots of ways. Especially very rosey colored blogs can do that even more

 

I have seen in my own network over the last couple of years the difference between people who are  genuinly happy for me for certain things  and people who appear envious for certain things. It is always a hard feeling to handle. And it feels yucky when people you care about and close to you don't share in your good fortunes or happiness  that come along every once in a while

Jealously in my view is much more about the other person and how they feel about themselves than about yourself and anything your are doing wrong

 

I think when you have alot of money (or your family does) and this is known on the internet-you need to be careful how you expose it and be gentle in its telling. When showing pictures of mansions and pools the size of most waterparks in Florida I think you need to be less naïve and expect readers will react. If you put it out there....expect various reactions. Handle them with grace

I think people who are angry and jealous should stop reading certain blogs!

 

Jealousy is an awful feeling to feel (I have felt it many a time) and an awful feeling to have put on you (as really brings out the worst sides of otherwise caring and loving people)

 

If you are jealous-feel it..reflect on why...be nice..be kind..strive to do or get more of what that other person has-. and get over yourself! very likley that other person has worked harder, made better decisons, reached for the stars harder, made their dreams come true and you should learn from them and not envy them in a mean way!

 

Not called the green eyed monster for nothing!!!

Passing the Baton

I never realized before now that raising teens is a little bit like passing over your own baton. You give them you. Your time. Your wants. Your needs. Your dreams. They start where you left off in so many ways.

I noticed it so much when today as I drove to Cottage with Beauty and her BFF and heard them giggling and giggling in the backseat. So carefree. Nothing to worry about: no Mortgage.. No marriage. No kids. Biggest problem of the day is whether to straighten or curl their hair

I envy them. I would love to be carefree again.  Giggling with a  BFF. I got close to that feeling when Soulkeeper and I went away for a week last year or when she comes here at the cottage twice a year and we turn off our phones completely and shut ourselves out to the outside world. We know if we let that world in even for a moment we will lose that feeling of freedom ... Which is so rare to have as two moms with careers and six kids between us. Shutting it out and down is the only way. I love how for both of us this is a natural instinct to treasure and cherish the rare times we have together-those days twice a year are priceless.

I wanted so badly to Go away a week alone this winter. To a far off place on a beach with a pile of books and maybe even a glass of champagne to get my head a little dizzy. . I had a dream. A crazy dream. That dream was unrealistic and a little silly. It didn't happen. And that was probably good. Or maybe not? Maybe if would have been wonderful. No money and no time made my decision for me.

Instead I decided to take a day at the cottage on a Monday. On a day I usually work for myself and am a busy mom. On a day where I work from 6am until often midnight. A day for me. Me only .To read by the fire . In my pjs.

And then my daughter asked to share that day with me because her and her BFF were off of school . To ski ( which they are both obsessed with and can't ever get enough of) And so I say yes. I pack the bags and empty the car . Be the chauffeur to and from the ski mountain . Share my fire and my couch . Trade reading in for Gossip Girl . Watch a horror movie . Go out in the cold For Pizza . Cuddle with my daughter as Jessabelle gets murdered in the movie and plan our escape for the cottage if a murder presents themselves at our remote door.

I text my buddies and talk to my Mom. I do a whole lot of nothing and a whole lot of everything. I fall asleep and set and alarm For 15 minutes later to go get the girls when I feel that I could have slept for hours

And I realize that this is exactly how I want to spend my day. There is no where I want to be more. Being alone is amazing but being with two teen girls is even better.

It's passing the baton from me to Her. With her . Letting her in. The year of Her . Hopefully the year for us . It's letting her needs take over my needs when she needs me most. Probably when I need her most too. Getting the guard down .

It's finding my flow one step at a time. Letting her be part of my flow . Praying she will want to be. Hoping it's not too late.

Is it ever?

With a teen this age... Especially a girl teen- it's not so much of passing the baton but trying to hold onto it together. Finding that rhythm that is right for both of you as she enters womanhood and you give up wishing your were a girl.

It's meeting each other right in the middle and what better way than on a day that was supposed to be yours and she wanted to make ours to begin?

If in have to choose two focuses only to flow - she has one spot. And I started giving her that apt today on my day off that replaced my week at the beach. If felt best. To stand in the sun.. With her. It’s something I want more than anything and actually have no clue how to attain.

Today was a good start.

Very Busy Love Weekend

A Day of Love

It’s funny-I like Valentine’s Day for some reason. I am not a huge holiday person in general and valentines are such a commercial one –but there is something about it like.

When our kids were little we made the decision they would always have something fun to do on Valentine’s Day forever. Would not be a holiday for us-but for them. We would have fondue or go to some cheap resto like Ikea and share a meal. For us it was a family affair. I like the simplicity of it –chocolates and candy on the table. A pretty tablecloth lay out. Maybe a card. Certainly the traditional rose that follows my daughter from her Dad wherever she may be in the world. Simple and Sweet. We also give each other a little gift too of chocolate and a  card-sometimes make time for a date that same week to a movie or out for a quick meal.

This year was different as both our boys are in love. We are at the cottage on the real day so they celebrated the day before and it is adorable to watch on valentines. One went out and got a rose and a bracelet with a charm of a heart. Took his girl to a nice brunch out and came back to skate and play hockey with their friends for 4 hrs outside at the rink and then 8 of their friends back to our house for pizza  they all ordered in with their money (was a day off from school)

The other boy got a rose and Laura Secord chocolates and went out to fancy Italian restaurant for dinner, had his girl over for the day and watched the Good Wife episodes. I was ok with this being alone as we had a new cleaning team there for the first time since other ones quit and three Jamaican ladies who I gave strict instructions to not let them have sheets on the bed or let them alone in a roomJ) I get the feeling this  young couple was a little bit afraid of pissing off the Jamaican mamas!!!!

I was sick for a good part of the day and stayed in bed. Then had to get on with the weekend as is a big completion ski weekend planned for ages now.

But was so cute to hear about these boys and their loves. Real gentlemen and fun to see bloom. One of their girlfeinds gave one son 5 chocolate bars and he was so touched. The others son’s bday gave him chocolcate bars too and he was also super impressed. It is fun to watch them give their hearts to sweet girls and care for them. Part of it bothers me and part of it is really sweet to watch unravel. Ah..young love!

And I and Beauty and her BFF are having a lovely weekend too. They are such sweet girls together. Feels fun to juts be girls this year.

Today before 8am there were three shuffles to many mountains. Hubby got to cottage and bed at 1am and then up at 6am so not a whole lot of time for Valentines for us! Tonight a simple spaghetti and garlic bread meal with a salad and all the chocolates we got for dessert. Hoping to gather all around the TV and watch a sweet family movie. We might actually end at 8am and be  able to watch the movie (has been weeks and weeks finishing dinner at 11pm and everyone too tired so tonight I made a point to be organised). What I like lately about Saturday night at the cottage is after dinner (or during) everyone is so tired from their ski days that we all basically fall onto the couch and half chat and half sleep. This time everyone was kind of awake and telling logic riddles etc…it was just really nice.

It’s amazing how much the world opens. up when their phones and I pads are away…..when I experience moments like this at the cottage. I am so so so resentful for what technology has done to the world and opur children. Even during these moments I know they are uber-aware that their phones are upstairs “for just about 20 mins” while they have fun. It scares me for that generation to the core.

Nothing special about this Valentines but kind of feels like a whole new world in some ways. These kids are growing up! Valentines is starting to belong to them instead of the family-which is fine and normal and good. Beauty was very happy when I felt better to hang out with me and watch a horror movie and snuggle up. I was thrilled to have her by my side.

It has and has just a sweet little flavor this year. I like Valentines!

PS-Hubby gave me chocolate and a card for a 30 min foot massage while watching ScandalJ) and my blog book of the year has been ordered and on its way which is the best gift ever and I feel so lucky to get this each year from my husband who puts it together and order the front and back pics and quotes and binding for it.

PSS- Oh Calamity!  What a disaster today up and out by 6::15 am for the second competition for skiing. Right before our daughter race all was suspended as too freezing and all the communication systems literally froze up and was unsafe to proceed o race..so all that for nothing!!!!!!!! OMG And she stood at top of mountain for two hours in only a skinsuit!!!!. Left at 1:30pm and no races. And Chases’ all lessons were cancelled too for -35 degree windshield factor and he was there at hill as usual all day) working but not being paid! Such an odd job.

Standing in the Sun

I was reminded of this expression today at work as I left something inside my car and went outside to get it at lunch. And I felt the sun on my face in a literal sense and if felt so good. Made me feel less cooped up and warm and happy.

And I love this expression in the way that they use in on our favorite television show to check in with each other of where they are at. Are they doing evil or good? Self-nurturing? Using their full potentials as humans for good or bad?.

Thus, I find myself asking myself quite often:

Are you standing in the Sun?

And I think most times I am. I make creating sunny moments a very big goal of my life-probably more often than most. Fun and sun and happiness are part of my daily wants and worlds rather than simply on a holiday once a year. It’s not enough for me –not will it ever be. I need to stand in the sun often.

Like yesterday I noticed there were two things already in that one day that made me very happy. One at work and one at home-always has to be like that. I am whole and both together make me complete

At work it was with a colleague who is increasingly becoming more of a friend over time and we really enjoy each other’s company. He makes me laugh and we share stuff, and have these totally amazing conversations. I love having “my people” at work. So often I do and then they move away as we work in that type of business with offices all over the world. I need my handful of people here. It’s where I shine and am at my best. I stand in the sun when I have people at work. I am sure it is the same for him. Work is a lot about work but it’s a lot about people for me too. I need it .

And then at home Hubby and my framing project. I know it seems like this goes on and on but it is important. We pretty much do take about 2 days a year to frame pictures for the house and cottage. And the framing is the easy part! Choosing which pics-getting them printed or printing them ourselves. Getting the frames for vertical and horizontal, new pics for office frames yearly, collages for the kids grade 6 trips, downloading  pictures from all the phones and cameras, filing them all and making sense of them, burning them onto digital frames , printing out 300 hard pics a year for the yearly album, making sure we have at least one pic framed of every trip for our travel wall.It’s a big big job. But it makes me so very happy, and my family happy too to see these pictures so lovingly displayed and remember those precious moments. It is so worth ever grueling hour of the process as it can be very long.

It’s one of the things in my life I am most proud of , that I have stood in the sun when it comes to pictures and framing and creating moments and remembering them. Our home and cottage are filled with memories and it makes me feel good and happy on a daily basis.

And one day I would like to get full on into photography. I disappoint myself lately as have moved from my amazing lens cameras to stupid iPhone pictures simply for practicality sake. But in this move I have lost a lot-quality and fun with photographs. It lacks something just like everything else we use the I phone for now. It all lacks the specialness.

And I am naturally just a really good photographer with a camera-lots turn out really nice and  I think I have a true talent for this and I would love to one day expand this and learn a few things. But this season of my life is not the time…maybe at retirement one day. For now I have my plate full living the moments, creating them, keepssaking.

For now I have my hands full just by having the goal to most days of the week to be:

Standing in the Sun

It’s enough for now and it’s where I need to be.

Food for the Soul

I have been a bit bummed the last month as my weight loss efforts have stalled since the X-mas holidays. I was consistently losing .5-1 lb. per week and was up to 11 lbs. and then 2 weeks of Xmas vacation came and have spent my weeks now trying to lose the few lbs. I had gained back during that time.

The last three days I have gone serious and am on two shakes a day and one protein meal (with a cake pop I just ate in between) and man this works! 3 lbs. gone-yahoo Tonight it is dinner out with friends from work for yummy Lebanese downtown (finally real food!)All that to say I had to find other ways to “feed” myself in the last couple of days as life was pretty boring on mostly protein shakes.

Three things that have been wonderful are the tweaks my Hubby and I made to our couple hood priorities and schedule right after Christmas that we have been good in keeping so far

 Wed early mornings for 30 mins we do a home project together (last two weeks was printing and framing family pics, laying down a carpet in the basement, financial accounting) I thought I would resent this but I like it a lot. He still has his weekly home list and I still have mine individually of course as trust me with two homes it is never ending and alot of our time in evenings and on weekend is the maintenance of the house and cottage

On weekends now he also plans out the day and I like that too (between us both chauffeuring to ski mountain 8 times!). Usually he chooses something I like and sometimes not but I get used to it (shoveling is often his first pick) I like someone else planning though and its takes it off of me and also ensure we do things he likes. Last week I even helped with screwing in lighbulbs on the balcony!

The other tweak which we tweaked a few times and seemed to have settled on this one is: Tuesday nights after kids in beds no technology. No phones, computers or even TV. TV is a biggie for us as on last season of Scandal and love our TV shows in the winter. Kind of addicted. Huge sacrifice to not watch an hou at night. And Monday and Wedneday nights we either work super late of have other activgities so not many nights in the week.

 "Technology free Tuesday" night was a success and we read books in bed, Hubby listened  to his choir music in prep for rehearsal tonight and we had a nice warm bath and got under our amazingly cozy flannel sheets ( a bit earlier than usual at 12:00 am vs our usual 12:30am)

We felt good. And I feel good today. My soul is nourished and I am content

Ritualization, Ritualization. Ritualization. Can’t say enough about it.When something is important to you build it into your schedule and use persistence. It’s the only way REALLY. Thinking about doing seeming or wanting to do something is not the same as doing it. Consistently.

If you want to hear more , read the book I co-authored coming out on Amazon end of March 2015 “More Life, Please!”  there will be many more posts on this book! I feel so proud. Last copy publisher sent us this week and final edits have gone back. This is it!!! Two years in the writing and waiting! Dream come true for me and a really really good read if I do say so myselfJ)

Selfish and Self Centered

Lately I find myself going back and forth on almost a daily basis loving my kids and thinking they are the best .. to thinking they are the most selfish bastards on earth (sorry kids this is my place of true expression)

Welcome To adolescence! And now that I officially have three and all in high school ... I see that their worlds really do revolve around themselves only... The cornerstone of
Adolescence

Truly lately all we do is serve them. Drive them... Pick them up... Cancel our plans
for them. Cook for them, help them with chores.
And the worst is? We don't even really get any prize of acknowledgment or reward. They try to get out of being with us much of the time actually

I just surprised them tonight and told them I decided to take two days off at march break to chill at the cottage with them ..
And they looked at me in shock and said "What!!!" (Not in a good way) I even threw in they could have friends for two days and they looked at me and said” No. We don't want to go “and then they all stomped out of the room. Even my little daughter. So selfish and dumb.

 

Well then I said :

“Well You know what ? We are going bc I need a break and so does Dad and that is where we relax the most so yes you are coming " I should just go alone with Hubby but cant ever leave them alone now that they have girlfriends. Back to babysitting days and having to watch them every moment.

 

An hour later after all acting like brats they forget about it and start asking me to watch their dances or look at their art projects or tuck them in . As though they are really nice people and I still even like them. Weird 

 

I am telling your this thing called teenagers are one weird species. Hopefully they won't be selfish forever? I am not so sure anymore.

 

And on Mondays I wish truly they would all just shut up. Mondays are bad enough without the sounds of their demanding selfish voices surrounding me. Even at 10pm as I lay down to read for 5 mins, demands and requests and needing, needing needing! Enough already!

 

I am telling you thank God I am not a stay at home mom. These people would drive me crazy

 

Ps after I wrote this blog last night I text my Hubby and said that we really need to take an alone vacation every year (last year skipped it and brought the kids and I feel it now without any alone time for 15 months now-barely been one dinner or night I am serious. Need to get away the two of us this November for sure…)

We must be crazy-2 weeks Xmas vacation with these teens. Every single weekend for ski season with no break and right after ski season Costa Rica with them???? OMG!!! What were we thinking!!!!!! (Hopefully these kids get more grateful, more kind and more giving between now and then!~