Awakening

Today.

Our 16th anniversary. Also our first day on holidays-without the kids for the first few days. As we arrived last night at 1am here at Trent…I felt light..and carefree….5 days of no working..no worrying. I even decided to completely disconnect; from emails too. To really be present in this nice break with my Hubby and enjoy our time together for this week. Worry only about each other.

But here I am now at the end of the day; having spent most my day worrying about my daughter. Why might you ask since she is at camp having the time of her life? The camp she chooses herself and we visited together that she counted down the days and hours before it was time to go there?

The camp that has a visiting day on the weekend after the first week?? Damn those nuns for wanting kids to visit their parents during camp (sorry nuns!). I mean what kind of camp does that??

 So in our mind it was stupid and weird…I mean those kids who get homesick and cry at camp, how does this formula  make sense to see their parents again and have to be dropped off again? But even if weird and stupid,we knew our girl loves camp, so not a big deal. Our girl does not cry when dropped off, or sit there missing us all day or think of us all moment of everyday or hold a picture to us to her heart. No way.

Well apparently she does. Often and a lot. She was a mess, and now so are we.

Hold on now though..if this situation was such an utter mess I likely would not be wring about it in this way would I? There is often a little rainbow in every storm..sometimes it’s a big rainbow,sometimes it is close to a miracle too. A little bit of a miracle also happened today..maybe those nuns really do know what they are talking about. Maybe our sad and hard visit happened for a reason, for a bigger reason that will affect our lives and futures?

Beauty, as adorable and sweet and smart as she has always been has not been the most forthcoming child emotionally. She keeps a ton in. She is not a huge hugger or kisser most days of the week, and has an extremely difficult time articulating feelings…and often identifying feelings. She has never been shy at all..it is not introversim, but rather just not a hugely emotional type of gal. And it’s really obvious amongst our family because we are a very, very emotional family. And affectionate family. It always has worried us.

 Over the years it has concerned her Dad and I a lot. At 6 yrs. old she went to play therapy for 6 months to try and access these feelings. It helped a bit, and over the years it has improved a lot….but I still often have the feeling that there is so much more to Beauty than she lets out. I know there are layers to her that I can’t seem to get at..and it often makes me sad because …..I often feel like I don’t try hard enough either. That sometimes she does not want to cuddle or hug and so I try to respect that and I know that is the wrong thing to do. I sometimes feel rejected by my  girl and seek solace in the welcoming arms of my boys. Bad Mommy.

 And as she grows up we see more and more of this emotional and cuddly side of our girl and when we see it we gobble it up. But it is never there for long, it peeks it’s head and then hides back away. We have been chasing her for years.

Well my goodness me, holy macaroni did we ever see that girl today. She shared her feelings flawlessly, with emotion, articulation. She was loving, affectionate and adorable. She shared every part of herself deeply with us. As sad as everything she was telling us made me feel for her…….I loved her so incredibly much and felt so happy for her freedom of expression. I was overcome for emotion for her. I have missed this girl like crazy. I feel like I have her back.

Basically she likes the camp, but she misses us to the point of no return. She cries often and is anxious about crying and is wondering what is wrong with her to be so upset when she is enjoying camp. She says she can’t stand missing us so much. This is soooooo unlike her; she doesn’t do this at all usually. She was in tears a good part of the 5 hrs we spent with her. Beauty was a complete and utter open mess today.

And so we cuddled her and held her, and made her laugh by saying how boring we were and why would she miss us bossing her around to do chores so much?  We listened to her and coached her. We tried to change her thoughts and  provide her alternate ways to frame this experience. We kissed in front of her (as that always makes her so secure and happy), and we hugged her and hugged each other. We wrote her an extra five news letters to take with her and gave her advice on what to do when she is feeling blue. We advised her to never let an experience pass her by and to enjoy every moment life holds. We told her not to worry about worrying..and that becoming a preteen is full of emotion. We bought her candy and rubbed her back.

And we told her in no uncertain terms that she was going back for the second part of camp.

We told her we believed in her fully and that she was fully capable. We told her that this was a good experience even if it was hard.

We asked her what she would have done if she was us and had a 10 yr old  girl like her in this state and she said so shyly and sweetly” I would do like you Mommy..I would say exactly the same thing. I would tell her I believe in her the way you believe in me. I would tell her I was proud of her when she came home and was able to have a great time even if she missed her Mom and Dad.”

And this was music to our ears. I am not sure I have ever felt so proud or happy. Of her. Of me. Of us.

 So I sent our little girl back with tears and lots of them with candy and letters in hand and an extra blanket. I cried all the way home.

And tonight I will take the advice I gave my baby and use it for my own thoughts. I will focus on us and now and enjoy it and not think of how worried I am for her.

I will go down to my dock with my 16 candles and eat my beautiful meal..and have my 16 minutes of foot massage..and listen to the 16 things my sweet husband loves about me in the Jacuzzi. I will fall asleep under the stars and get back to my unworried bliss because this time does not come around often in my life.

All because I love her so..and I have worked so hard to come complete with my kids capability…and I have. And she is my girl and I need to do this for her too.

 So I start this night feeling complete mainly. And look forward to that rainbow that I told her about when she returns safely in my arm. A bit of a beginning for us really..in a place where our daughter can feel free to tell us the deepest corners of her heart.

And most importantly..where we are in a place where we are ready to hear it and receive it.

Where we can handle her sadness and her pain without letting it crush us. Where we truly believe that she will handle it and figure it out. Where she shows us not just happy her..but sad her too. And knows that that is perfectly ok.

Happy Meals

Like all little children do….I love McDonald’s too.

I am not sure why but I still always considering it a special little treat and one that I save in my pocket for particularly special days.

Maybe it is because my Mom used to bring me there every Monday night before ballet on the bus and share secrets over hamburgers with just ketchup and no pickles? Or because my best friend and I in grade 5 used to save up our funds and splurge on a big pack of McNuggests with BBQ dipping sauce? Or maybe it is because McDonald’s is a master marketing powerhouse and ensure that  the large majority of adults and children tie emotional experiences to their very basic food?

In any case I love McDonald every once and a while and will take it any day over any other fast food chain.

About once a month, I will stop on my way somewhere and get a Happy Meal.  You know the ones for kiddies? I estimate that the hamburger one with fries and the small Diet Coke is a mere 400 calories only. So really a diet lunch as far as I am concerned. And when I can combine a low cal lunch with such pleasure and anticipation…it makes it all that more special.

So yesterday on my way back from a meeting, I stop in for my Happy Meal. I always feel a little nervous ordering it. Not only because I don’t have my kids with me and people give me funny looks, but also because I never know what to do with the toy they include? Also I always worry that that little amount of food won’t fill me up and I will still be hungry.

So I anxiously order and take my little meal outside to enjoy on the terrace. I open it up and realize that they have included a little mini-go yogurt. How sweet! Throw it in the garbage…. I would rather an ice-cream.

And then I realize what McDonald’s has done!!!!

They have changed the Happy Meal after 40 yrs.!!!!

The have Slimisized the fries!!!!! OMG!  Aren't they supposed to Supersize things and not take things away?They are in this little red package just like the big fries for adults but there are like 20 of them only! This is ludicorous…….so I read the calorie intake and it is 100 calories. So now my meal is 250 calorie and the fries will take me about 20 second to gobble up.

Was that yogurt supposed to please me and help reduce the shock of this enormous change???

So I resist the urge to go back to the counter and complain or order the bigger fry. And tell myself that I will if I am still hungry (Duh..who over 50 lbs would not be hungry???) that I can always order some more fries then.

So I sit there and eat..Trying to enjoy every bit and fry…and after 15 bites (which is also when the meal ended), I realize I am content and not hungry anymore and that the Happy Meal was enough for me. My eyes are bigger than my tummy apparently.

Yay for intuitive eating!

As a side story I sit bedside a woman with two little kids and there she is texting all the meal and talking on the phone with all her friends, and mother in law, and husband and friend from high school. While they kids are trying to ask her question and get her attention; she talks and texts away. And it reminded me:

This is why I do not very want to be a stay at home Mom. I would likely be her: there but not there at all really.

I would rather be at work, and be happy there, and have my kids under the care of someone who is being paid as a job, to be focusing on them instead of wishing they were somewhere else.  And now..when I do take my kids out to lunch…I am, theirs and they are mine (with of course the occasional text or phone chat here or there but that is the exception).

It made me realize how happy I am that I provide my kids the luxury of a stay at home life in many ways by delegating this to the right people for this important job.

But that right person is just not me. And it never was. I belong in the boardroom and coming home to the joyful end of day with my family. Where a text is rarely as important as they are because I have missed them so.

So as I sat there and watched this Mommy with her kids and ate my little meal-I felt content in my decisions and my appetite.

Just like I always feel at McDonalds. Happy and Content.

(an no I am not a secret marketer for the Big Arches-just a sentimental kind of girl who has been wickedly hooked).

Bookworm

I can be a bit obsessive when it comes to books. Whenever I have a long vacation coming up…I get really nervous and start to feel that I may not have enough books to read, so I always go buy more.

So this year for my 3 weeks vacation (with 3  kids keep in mind,so not like I have all the time in the world to sit there and read!) I bought 22 books and borrowed 5 others. And I have 4 that I had bought last month that I have not read.

Box after box is being shipped to my husband’s office. He is bewildered at how I will possibly read more than 1.5 books per day?

But I will.

(....and be available for most the day to hang out with my family and kids and hopefully be somewhat emotionally present).

When it comes to books I always find a way. Likely the 5 days we don’t have the kids I will double up and maybe read 3 books per day? Or stay up until 3am overnight on my vacation? Or read every spare moment I get (aka while peeing on the toilet, floating on the lake, while kids make dinner with hubby, while they golf).

My Dad also was a speedreader so some of that got handed down to me. I absorb the page as quickly as some people gulp down a cold beer on a hot day. Often however I read more slowly to enjoy it more…indulge in it and savor the pages.

I love reading and am actually fascinated that I have never joined a book club. I rarely discuss my books,which I should. I just indulge in them. I am vowing to find a bookclub this Fall..it needs to be done. And hoping to have a few of my friends join with me-great way to see eachother more often.

I always buy a mix of three categories (Fiction, Self Help or Business and Parenting)

This year I have 15 parenting books and all are how to survive teens. After 21 days of studying this……I think I will be mighty fine on the survival of them and set up for a good long whileJ

Fiction is always all over the place-from light and beach-to heavy or ethnic focused to whatever anyone recommends to me. My taste for fiction is very, very diversified. I love absorbing myself into other people’s lives and problems. As long as there is drama and tragedy in it..I am there! I also seem to like Shades of Grey too! Finished second one and still scared to open third one. But I most definately WILL. Grey and Anastsia bring out a crazy mix of emotion in me.

Self help is whatever topic I am obsessed about at that given moment. For this year seems to be peace, happiness and the more Buddhist approach to life. Other years could be professional and career, business books and money focused. Other year could be marriage and couple or health and fitness.

If you look at my bookshelves-you know where I am at at that point and time.

I grew up with one entire level of our home being completely devoted to a library…literally thousands of books.

That I never, ever touched. What a crying shame that my way to rebel against my Dad was to not be obsessed like he was with reading. Just to ensure I did not make him too proud.

So hopefully one day my children will find love in books. So far they have not. They read for school and often like the books…but takes a lot for any of them to get into a good summer read…or enjoy it. Sometimes when they are not being forced to, I see them pick up something and it makes my heart wild with pride. It happens very seldomly though. I have to say I have been a crappy Mom in this area; I am not sure I read more than one fairytale to any of my kids, seems crazy since I have such a love of books? Guess we can’t win them all can we..?

I look at my two bookworm nieces and I am so utterly happy for them. They will always have their books….forever. I miss that for my kids as they seem so dependent on others, and each other. Where for people who love books…..books are often their best friend.

I like having friends too, but books are a close second.

So all in all I am looking very forward to my upcoming vacation, to sleep in later, to nap, to swim, to kayak, to eat cupcakes and to read. To come back a smarter person than I was 3 weeks prior. To be an expert on teens by then in terms of knowlege read (as will have read 67 other books this year on this subject so will now have 82 read)..And to come back with a plan, a vision and a strategy of what they next 8 yrs. of our lives will look like and how I can best support it. Then to take that to the next level and coach on it specifically and write my own books on it.

To come back happily spent from my weeks of the written word. With a sparkle in my eyes and love in my heart.

Books are right up there for me, with sleeping on water and messing around on boats. I think the way I feel about books is the way most people feel about drinking , sex and gardening.

My Dream

I have many dreams, but this is one of them. A top of my list type of thing. And my Protector made it come true for me last weekend just in time for our 16^th anniversary this week.

My dream takes the shape of sleeping as humanly close a possible to the water, and hearing the birds singing and humming as I wake up at sunrise. Of hearing the water lap and move as I open my eyes and smelling the pine in the trees. Of cuddling under blankets  from our old cottage that bring me back to the times my kids were babies, and piling all of those blanketson top of us because the air is chilly and cold outside.  Of having our bodies feel warm and our faces cold.Of putting candles on the dock and looking at the stars of night shine in the dark sky.

Of getting that feeling back of being close to nature and in nature. Of being able to wake up in the morning and if noone is around, jumping into the cold lake naked and swimming out to the other dock and swimming back and being wrapped up in a big fluffy towel. Of never wearing makeup and of never caring. Of peeing in the bushes and ignoring all technology.

Of letting the waves rock me to sleep soundly.Inhaling nature at the cottage which I love more than anything in the world.

(So my dream came true…and was very close to the sentiments above with only a few minor differences ).

My Hubby built me a dock right on the water at Trent for us to sleep in. A gazebo fully screened in tent that covers the bali couch that turns into a bali bed to sleep on-just like in Bali! (Ok so he did not build the dock himself although he could if he had the time…and ok he did not pay for it either as the proceeds from the famous naked portrait of my Dad did that…) But he had it built for me…and he lovingly put up the tent. He did that. And not in the Fall..but NOW. For me.

Most importantly he agreed to this indulgence. And very importantly he agreed to sleep there a good part of the summer, with me.

So my description above is real…except for the sleep part. Because it is hard to actually sleep when there are waves, on a small little tiny couch, which is not meant to sleep on so has a part that is hollow and hurts our backs, and hard not to be annoyed when woken up by the birds singing loudly. And the first night we slept there we had to have my blackberry set super early as to both get back to the city for work.

BUT…it was still AMAZING. And I am sure we will get used to it. And we made up for the lack of sleep last night and slept 9 hrs. straight inside in a real bed! We never do that! It feels really good to get some proper rest in a proper bedroom. I am in a good mood today.

All in all..my dream has come true. And I don’t care how he built it or not built it himself, or how he paid or not paid for it himself…all I care about is that he made it happen..somehow..for me…right in time for our anniversary and for our time off without the kids at Trent.

This is my spa. This is  our future. LimeSpa. Our dream that will someday come true in about  a decade or so. This is the beginnings of what it all feels like to change and alter and shift and do things differently. This is the beginnings of what happens when you open your eyes to a whole new context and are open to what you might see.

A dock on the water to sleep....ahhhhhh...I feel so happy.

(Now if my husband can transport some loud croaking frogs over from the other swampy lake I will be in sheer heaven).

To Be Adored

Sometimes I wonder what it must feel for Her…..

To be so adored by these two Boys?

I see glimpses of it often. And more and more often as they get older of just how much these two brothers adore their little sister.

I mean let’s get real, there are a whole lot of fights and insults thrown in there and often (thier new insult for her is to call her PENIS)…but there are so many moments of pure and precious adoration too.

Before camp (this year she has chosen to go to camp alone where the camp is run by Nuns-a post for later on!!!), each of them were fighting for her attention in the days before.

They wanted to each spend alone time with her hugging her and holding her and hanging out with her.

On the boat Bear and Beauty lay in each other’s arms and actually fell asleep for 30 minutes with these huge smiles on their faces. Hubby and I thought that this was the sweetest thing we had ever seen in our lives…..since often the two of them are more drawn to Chase then they are to each other. It was such a sweet moment.

Before she went to camp they listed the things they loved about her so she would remember including: “funny, hilarious, cool, stylish, friendly, beautiful and like to be beat up and doesn’t mind when someone farts on her!”

She was so happy to her these lovely compliments about herself.

I am just so happy for her. Because I know full well how it feels to be so loved by two older brothers. It feels like you are on top of the world really; like you are protected from evil and that men are looking out for you.

I have two wonderful half brothers, and our childhoods was very different than my own children’s as we mainly spent weekends together and only shared part of our lives together because of this schedule. However, there were plenty of these adoring moments over the years and I always hold a secret smile; that I am lucky enough to have two older brothers. It’s a great spot to be in as a girl.

So I am happy for my little Tic-Tac, Bieberette, Peach and little turnip among many other names for her that no matter what….these particular boys are crazy about her! And they have been for a very looong time:)

Ready? Set? Go! Bye-Bye

Ok so I am done with the goalless summer after 2.5 weeks of no goals, no plans and no routines for the kids.

It has been a blast truly (up until the last 2 days where I have nearly lost my mind). Besides that…amazing.

Now it is time for me to have 12 days off…my own goalless heaven. Well partially anyways since I will be at work for a good part of those days. Goalless evenings and nights though..I will take what I can get.

Off to camp they go those three kids. Ahhh…………..

So we will work next week while they are at camp and then have 5 days at Trent without any kids at all. My mouth is watering already. Paradoxically , I also miss them already. I will try loving them from afar:)

And then we will get the kids back for a two week break of vacation at the cottage. And I will be ready to welcome them back with open arms, ready to embrace the fun, the craziness, the chaos, and the non-structure again.

All of my friends and colleagues seem to be at home with their kids in summer, on vacation or have their kids in camps as soon as school ends. In soccer at night and up early for hockey.

I choose a goalless summer.

Yay! (maybe?)

I will always have a love/hate relationship when it comes to my kids and structured time vs. non structured time.

I will always wonder if I did good or bad.

Goalless summer will not be part of any parenting book I write (yet). I have to see what this yields ..to be sure first. Part of me is convinced my kids will profit from all of this long term, part of me doubts it too and wonders if more routine would be good for them?

As I hear them now in the family room at Trent, the boys fighting wit eachother for their sister's attention so they "can spend time with her before she is off to her different camp tomorrow". All on the couch, cuddling, laughing and enjoying eachother as they have so much in the last 2 weeks...I am pretty sure I have done good. At least in this moment anyways. Life seems especially sweet today

Motherhood..is always full of questions-that is always the way it seems.

Who’s the Boss?

I have been privy lately to a number of people who I don’t know very well telling me how blissfully happy they are in their marriages even after plenty of years of being married.

I mean don’t get me wrong, my closer circle of friends and colleagues (including me) are also very happy too…but bliss may not be the word we use to describe our relationships necessarily on a more constant  basis. Amongst the happiness, are complaints, and disappointments, along with happiness, joy and love. It’s often a shade of gray when it comes to marriage for many people I know.

But lately I have heard of these blissful, long term, long standing relationships and it has peaked my curiosity. More than a bit.

What are they doing differently? Or better?

What I think it comes down to one one level is that in these relationships there seems to be more equality than in the ones where there is much happiness, but not necessarily continuous marital bliss. There is not necessarily a leader and a follower but a mix of both for both individuals.

In most marriages I see that surround me, there is a clear leader and a clear follower. Put all of my friends with their partners at a table and I think out of all of them (except one couple) everyone at that table would be able to clearly identify who is the boss in that family.

AKA:

“We love line dancing courses on Mondays honey don’t we???!”

“We decided he is not going to his friends’ bachelorette party because there are too many strippers there”

“We don’t like when she wears tiny little bikinis so we cover her up in these moo-moos”

“We decided that on Sundays we are going to join my parents and go to church together”

“We decided no more chips or chocolate in the house for the next decade”

“We decided that we are going to have a great time on our two week vacations spending it with my parents-hooray!”

“We decided that we can’t go to that wedding of your friend, we are not available that day and have more important things to do”

We all know who that WE is. It’s the BOSS of that family. The one who decides. And more often than not.

And it is hard to be bossed around right? But equally hard to always have to be the boss too.

So that is one of the factors in a relationships that I have a feeling does not contribute to bliss over time.

It’s one I need to work on a lot myself. Guess if I am the boss or not?? Hard to know eh??

It’s one that will be very hard to changeL

And the funny part in all of these relationships where I see the couples sitting around and it is clear who is boss…the boss is often under the impression that the marriage is bliss. It’s the one being bossed around that potentially does not share that vision, or if does, won’t in a decade or so.

Or maybe they both think and feel they are in marital bliss.

But to the outside world looking in…it sure does not appear that way Honey-looks painful sometimes.

And that is Part 1 in a series of one of this reasons I think some couples are more blissful than others.

Ya it’s  kinda been a crappy last few days for me. Better start number three of “Shades of Grey” to perk me up again.