Awakening

Today.

Our 16th anniversary. Also our first day on holidays-without the kids for the first few days. As we arrived last night at 1am here at Trent…I felt light..and carefree….5 days of no working..no worrying. I even decided to completely disconnect; from emails too. To really be present in this nice break with my Hubby and enjoy our time together for this week. Worry only about each other.

But here I am now at the end of the day; having spent most my day worrying about my daughter. Why might you ask since she is at camp having the time of her life? The camp she chooses herself and we visited together that she counted down the days and hours before it was time to go there?

The camp that has a visiting day on the weekend after the first week?? Damn those nuns for wanting kids to visit their parents during camp (sorry nuns!). I mean what kind of camp does that??

 So in our mind it was stupid and weird…I mean those kids who get homesick and cry at camp, how does this formula  make sense to see their parents again and have to be dropped off again? But even if weird and stupid,we knew our girl loves camp, so not a big deal. Our girl does not cry when dropped off, or sit there missing us all day or think of us all moment of everyday or hold a picture to us to her heart. No way.

Well apparently she does. Often and a lot. She was a mess, and now so are we.

Hold on now though..if this situation was such an utter mess I likely would not be wring about it in this way would I? There is often a little rainbow in every storm..sometimes it’s a big rainbow,sometimes it is close to a miracle too. A little bit of a miracle also happened today..maybe those nuns really do know what they are talking about. Maybe our sad and hard visit happened for a reason, for a bigger reason that will affect our lives and futures?

Beauty, as adorable and sweet and smart as she has always been has not been the most forthcoming child emotionally. She keeps a ton in. She is not a huge hugger or kisser most days of the week, and has an extremely difficult time articulating feelings…and often identifying feelings. She has never been shy at all..it is not introversim, but rather just not a hugely emotional type of gal. And it’s really obvious amongst our family because we are a very, very emotional family. And affectionate family. It always has worried us.

 Over the years it has concerned her Dad and I a lot. At 6 yrs. old she went to play therapy for 6 months to try and access these feelings. It helped a bit, and over the years it has improved a lot….but I still often have the feeling that there is so much more to Beauty than she lets out. I know there are layers to her that I can’t seem to get at..and it often makes me sad because …..I often feel like I don’t try hard enough either. That sometimes she does not want to cuddle or hug and so I try to respect that and I know that is the wrong thing to do. I sometimes feel rejected by my  girl and seek solace in the welcoming arms of my boys. Bad Mommy.

 And as she grows up we see more and more of this emotional and cuddly side of our girl and when we see it we gobble it up. But it is never there for long, it peeks it’s head and then hides back away. We have been chasing her for years.

Well my goodness me, holy macaroni did we ever see that girl today. She shared her feelings flawlessly, with emotion, articulation. She was loving, affectionate and adorable. She shared every part of herself deeply with us. As sad as everything she was telling us made me feel for her…….I loved her so incredibly much and felt so happy for her freedom of expression. I was overcome for emotion for her. I have missed this girl like crazy. I feel like I have her back.

Basically she likes the camp, but she misses us to the point of no return. She cries often and is anxious about crying and is wondering what is wrong with her to be so upset when she is enjoying camp. She says she can’t stand missing us so much. This is soooooo unlike her; she doesn’t do this at all usually. She was in tears a good part of the 5 hrs we spent with her. Beauty was a complete and utter open mess today.

And so we cuddled her and held her, and made her laugh by saying how boring we were and why would she miss us bossing her around to do chores so much?  We listened to her and coached her. We tried to change her thoughts and  provide her alternate ways to frame this experience. We kissed in front of her (as that always makes her so secure and happy), and we hugged her and hugged each other. We wrote her an extra five news letters to take with her and gave her advice on what to do when she is feeling blue. We advised her to never let an experience pass her by and to enjoy every moment life holds. We told her not to worry about worrying..and that becoming a preteen is full of emotion. We bought her candy and rubbed her back.

And we told her in no uncertain terms that she was going back for the second part of camp.

We told her we believed in her fully and that she was fully capable. We told her that this was a good experience even if it was hard.

We asked her what she would have done if she was us and had a 10 yr old  girl like her in this state and she said so shyly and sweetly” I would do like you Mommy..I would say exactly the same thing. I would tell her I believe in her the way you believe in me. I would tell her I was proud of her when she came home and was able to have a great time even if she missed her Mom and Dad.”

And this was music to our ears. I am not sure I have ever felt so proud or happy. Of her. Of me. Of us.

 So I sent our little girl back with tears and lots of them with candy and letters in hand and an extra blanket. I cried all the way home.

And tonight I will take the advice I gave my baby and use it for my own thoughts. I will focus on us and now and enjoy it and not think of how worried I am for her.

I will go down to my dock with my 16 candles and eat my beautiful meal..and have my 16 minutes of foot massage..and listen to the 16 things my sweet husband loves about me in the Jacuzzi. I will fall asleep under the stars and get back to my unworried bliss because this time does not come around often in my life.

All because I love her so..and I have worked so hard to come complete with my kids capability…and I have. And she is my girl and I need to do this for her too.

 So I start this night feeling complete mainly. And look forward to that rainbow that I told her about when she returns safely in my arm. A bit of a beginning for us really..in a place where our daughter can feel free to tell us the deepest corners of her heart.

And most importantly..where we are in a place where we are ready to hear it and receive it.

Where we can handle her sadness and her pain without letting it crush us. Where we truly believe that she will handle it and figure it out. Where she shows us not just happy her..but sad her too. And knows that that is perfectly ok.