June Madness

(orry for wierd spacing and capitls- issues with computer today)

Is it just me or is June crazy for all

Of you ?

For me work wise it is a huge month and family wise even huger .

I think we are scheduled almost  every night for the full four  weeks for big events and celebrations in the evenings 

Throw in a prom and highschool graduation there and all the pre work to start cegep in August for one son and we have  pure madness!

And final exams in the French  private system are no laughing matter . We are talking some serious  studying going on here . This weekend and the one before  they clocked 15 hrs each weekend .. I actually felt so bad for them as seems so so so hard and boring and tiring !

We brought Beauty's friend to the cottage am they just quizzed eachother all weekend and studied with a few tube rides in between . We barely saw Chase as he was locked up in room studying and when he came downs for dinner he was so tired he could not even eat his fave meal and fell asleep on the couch 

Bear had provincials for flag all weekend and had to study after . By tonight he was so tired I found him also in bed or with his books on him at 6:15pm !

And in between this sports events and dance shows they are in .. White water rafting .. Arabraska .. Surfing .. Volenteering ... Haircuts .. Clothes shooing for events .. Confirming summer jobs ... Watching girlfriends dance shows .. Major triathlons .. Driving theory .. Driving exams ..The list goes on and on an on .

June is crazy !!!

And we try and do a few fun things too (aka annual pool party here  last wed night ). Some kids missing ( one of ours who is performing !) but our show must go on . No pool party no feel like

Summer as my sweet friends reminded me last year when I forgot

To invite amongst the chaos .

And lately with my news career path I said I felt sad . Part of sad for Me is sometimes feeling lost and even a little bored . ( I need a lot of action in my life !)

I realized today I am actually not bored or sad .. I think I am starting to burn out actually .

This is causing me some physical signs

Of sadness which are getting better now .

With Three weeks holidays in 4 .3weeks away ( who is counting ?) I feel like that is precisely what I need .

Since the big career news 8 weeks ago .. I had not taken a single step to digest it . Relax .. Transition ..

Process .. Accept 

I Literally fell into a whole new career . And I think I need a few weeks to :

Not think

Not work 

Not email 

Not be in contact with anything stressful

Write 

Read

Sleep

Watch tons ofMovies and "Lost "

See friends 

See my mom

Hang out with my kids

Kiss my hubby

Be on the boat 

Swim 

Eat everything yummy 

Read . Read .

Read 

Fall Asleep Everywhere and anywhere 

Originally thought I might take this once in a lifetime

Opportunity and take Summer off but that will not happen  as impossible with the work commitments I have made . Plus would make m usual three weeks  vacation less special somehow.

So I opt for June madness . Then lots of flexibility and random days

Off here and there in July and August  besides lots of work

Too and some great vacation 

I plan to get back to my "Tarina "

Yup 

Even reinvent her a little 

Maybe there is a new and improved Version ?

Happy Times

This weekend was happy.

I haven't felt this good in many months. And I am not sure why I felt this way even ... It just sort of felt like a veil of sadness came off and that was replaced by some of the joy and peace I was beginning to feel in January 2015 after a hell of a year in 2014 and before my whole career changed in march 2015 .

I felt free this weekend. I pray it lasts. I need that feeling 

Maybe it had something to do with Beauty. She was at the cottage with us alone as the boys stayed back and we focused on her all weekend. Really increased that unconditional love and attention no matter her reaction.

Supported her through her 12-15 hrs of studying for finals over the two days with hugs and tube rides and treats during the breaks , and had 5 big teenage discussions with her over the weekend that made her blush but was clear  to us she was listening .

We did a night and day where she got to choose all the food and go shopping for it ( when you study that much you need breaks !) lucky for me she chose butter chicken , nann , homemade raita and my fave cookies . And won ton soup! That night at dinner she talked and talked and shared and reminisced about moments past and her feelings. It was a rare and real treat!

And after some difficult discussion with her in the day too... That we made very democratic in nature, but still difficult in terms of many issues that have been on our mind lately about our teenage daughter and some fears we have of the next few years. 

It was a hard but very bonding weekend. I was sorry to see it end. Also the sun was out and Hubby and I sat on the dock and really felt the start of summer. We took boat rides and watched “Lost” (our marathon summer series) on the Bali bed hiding from the bugs.  The three of us did our traditional swim out to the swim dock in the cold June Lake for symbolizing the start of summer and the wish for good weather. (please!!)

It was cold but super fun.

Sunday night we came back early from the cottage to take Chase and his two best buddies out for a nice graduation dinner. Went to rooftop terrace of Nelligan hotel overlooking city of Montreal . Was a real treat to spend the evening in the great company of these awesome guys . 

We missed Bear though ! Has been a few weekends now that he is at sport event after triathlon after marathon after everything. He is never home anymore ! And in between he studies... Man does this kid study!  This week begins the final exams. Can't wait until the night of June 22 to actually see our Bear! ( by which time I am sure he will be with all his buddies)

Anyways was a good weekend. Was a little glimpse into what summer will look like this summer. Three weeks at the cottage. One part of a week alone with Hubby ... One week all the five of us... And one week beauty and her BFF.

I am so so so ready for vacation and doing a whole lot of nothing. Looking forward to no thoughts in my mind and reading a book a day.. Sleeping all the time... Eating yummy stuff and watching tons of movies and to have no to do lists and no crisis. Begging.

Seriously can't wait ... It's time 

Has been such a whirlwind 2 years for us and it's time to have a vacation where there is no crisis going on, no big things. A whole lot of nothingless is exactly what we need right now.

I can feel it 

Happy times ahead!

(And a very close friend met a guy and is very very happy and talking lots of

Long term plans. Her happiness also makes me happy and excited for her future)

Chase Highschool Graduation 2015 (CSA Defi Sports)

I am not sure any words could describe that evening. The emotions..the feelings..the pride. His shining and smiling face. The fact that all night for the first time ever he was asking me to take lots and lots of pictures...

Chase 2015 CSA defiSports winner of people choice "sense de humeur"

The formal feeling of that church for this important and milestone event, being witness to the hundreds of graduates that night and their bright futures..understanding just how hard they had to work to make it to that day. Knowing all the free time they sacrificed to get this type of education

Before the graduates walked into the procession line in the church, I caught a glimpse of them in the line, sunlight on their faces...one of my favoraite parts. Many of the graduates were actively trying to ignore their parents..Chase reached out his hand and gave it to me. Caught my eye-asked us to take a picture. I will never forget how close he kept us that night.

the procession from outside

He asked to have a picture!!!

My favorite moment was him coming down the aisle and the look on his face..a look that said so clearly "I did it Mom and Dad! look at me!"

One of the best moments ever..such happiness

Juju:)))

I could feel Chris's dad that evening. I sat with his Mom. His Dad passed away 4 years ago. One of the strongest and most positive families i know. such a gift for Chase to have Chris in his life all these years. He taught us all so much

I am not sure that I ever felt this excited..so giddy..besides at the moment of birth of my children. It was almost like being drunk from happiness and life. Our hearts swelled with life and this precious moment with our eldest son.

Me and my boy-a fave pic of us

Chase and Papa:))

We felt so proud of everyhing he has done and achieved, succeeded at and failed at. It was a huge moment for us all. All his childhood came back, the moment he was born, the nights he got up sick, the meetings at the schools, first heartbreaks. We made this boy......how is that possible??? He is the very best of both of us.He will forever be our shared pride and joy and the glue that keeps us together and so bonded

Defi
Sports Raid Team

Seeing him with all the friends,any of whom we have known forever. Seeing the men they have become, seeing how respectful and ambitious they all are, seeing their hard work and dedication  just made us sit in awe and wonder. I never knew any teen boys like this when I was growing up!

Re-united!!!! Tears when I saw this one.

Now going off into life on their own-hoping our teachings and coachings will be remembered. Chase saying "finally I won't take a lift with you guys-I will go with my buddy who has a car. Is it ok if I come in around 4am?"

Beauty and BFF dancing team danced at the Gala Meritas the night before

What was most incredible is the pride they felt in the institution they were edcuated in, the repsect they have for it and what it has taught them. The thankfulness and pride they feel in their teachers. Undertanding all so full well the gift they have been given

Many Bff's missing but these were really really important ones......could not ask for a nicer bunch, Wish we had pics of all

all time BFF Matthieu. Our adopted son and a permanent fixture in our home:)

This boy..this boy...honestly? What a dream. I see who is is, the young man he is, with his girlfriend so respectful and loving, with his parents so affectionate, in school with his friends winning the peer award of "sense de humeur"......he is a precious gem.

I am not sure my heart can even expand more. He will always be my baby. But I am also so excited that he is becoming a man, and so happy that he shares that journey with us so intimately. I trust him and his decisions with my heart and soul. I am so happy he is the example to our other two children who take the lead their older brother. 

Can you ever know how much I love you? How much better my life is because of you?

Chase: I will never ever forget the look on your face coming down that aisle, I will never forget all you did to get to this moment, I will never forget your vulnerability and authenticity in dealing with your learning obstacles, I will never forget how grateful you were for your grad gift and the way you expressed it, I will never forget the permission you  still saught to stay out late that night even though you knew the night belonged to you. I will never forget your childhood or adolescence or any moment about it or you

We are so proud to call you our son 

I will never forget that my only hope as a mother came true this week. To see you there happy, independant, successful, proud, joyful. Sourounded by so many others who see the beautful human being you are.

I will love you fiercely and forever and a day

Love Mommy

Right Before His Big Night

He has always been some of the very finest moments of my life.

There were so many moments leading up to tonight. I remember the in my mind as though they were right in front of me now and just happened.

Little him talking the exam for this prestigious school and us praying he would get in. Hoping he would get in .Scared he would get in and also what that would mean for his life.

We remember it so clearly. That day he took the famous entrance exam and walked across the big stage after completion with hundreds of others grade 6’ ers wanting a spot. He was so much smaller than they all were- and also so much more confident than most. I remember it like yesterday. Last night in bed Hubbby and I replayed it all.

I remember getting that call that he got in..Waiting for the call, wanting the call, needing it almost like a drug. Looking back in retrospect and analyzing that call and if that school did make such a difference to his life after all?

Yes. Oh Yes.

In Sec 1 and Sec 2 he struggled. As we knew he would. He was good enough and got in but to stay there we knew would be a longshot. We worried about it constantly and questioned our choices constantly. How would it feel to be at the bottom of your class all the time? (400 students per grade). How would it feel to always try and play with the cream of the academic and athletic crop? What would this do to his confidence and sense of self? He struggled, we worried, he worked his ass off, and we supported him in working his ass off and kept the faith.

He always made it through. Did well enough and worked hard. Enough to stay at school and in sports program. Sec 1 a bit borderline, by Sec 2 in a safer zone but not with a grade point average he would be raving home about.

By Sec 3 he was diagnosed with ADD and never has anything made more sense to him or us. I cannot even believe we took this long to realize it. So many questions were answered for us, so many for him. To this day it is a “pure” diagnosis. High end ADD and high symptoms (many cases unclear or borderline). Some years he took a drug to help in very low does, some periods he did not. Sometimes a non-stimulant drug. He has tried it all. And through it all succeeded on or off the drug. That was important to us that he never depended on it for life skills or academia. And he has proven this year that he has not in fact as the hardest grade Sec 5 that he has learnt to live and deal with ADD. Meds and/ or accommodations are helpful but not necessary. Our hearts explode with pride. This kid has had some major real obstacles thrown his way. He is beating them with hard work and determination

By Sec 4 he was invited into advanced math (a miracle for someone in Sec 2 and 3 that was barely scraping by). He also chose the science/ chemistry/ physics route even though he would not go onto sciences  to open as many doors as possible in the future (a choice that only less than 40% make in Sec 5 as a much much harder year to graduate than the regular stream) And he did really well in them too!!! In math he has an extremely high average.

In the last two years Chase has reinvented himself as a student. Seriously. No nagging, (ok ya some nagging that is not needed) , sets his own pace, does his stuff, self regulates, makes good choices. Seriously it is a dream to watch.

He will graduate tonight with an education experience of 5 years that is noteworthy. High honours in subjects such as English and excellent grades in many subjects. Other subjects much much less but the effort has been there. We are so proud (and so should he be!) of every single grade even if it is the low ones, medium ones and high ones. We are proud of his high exams and his failed ones.

 He has also mastered over 50 sports in his sports program, run half marathons, done triathlons, climbed mountains, done Ironman’s, diving, deep sea fishing, scuba diver, white water rafted rock-climbed, assimilated parachuting and flying, biked on ice and in storms  amongst many many more extreme sports. A true athlete who has never really cared much or been driven by his natural athletic abilities, but has shone amongst his peers to have the natural abilities with just about any sport with ease and grace.

And he (and we!) has sailed through high school so far with little incident and crappy teenage stuff (except for a BIG attitudeJ. His behaviors have been really admirable. At the same time he has led a very normal teenage life too and very social and out there and experimented with all the usual teen stuff in a very controlled and healthy way.

(Sorry if I am bragging. It is his day and ours and we all deserve it! )

He has impressed us this guys of ours.

We will go to his graduation tonight  (last night now) with waterproof mascara and kleenex.

This is his day…stay tuned for what I am thinking will be something pretty memorable for us all.

and we will watch this fine young son accept take what is rightfully his......

It's Too Bad...

So many people I admire and respect so much in life are religious. Many that I admire and respect are not.

There is so much about organized religion that I admire. And also so much I do not.

But sometimes I think to myself” it really is too bad I can’t be religious”

I think I would love to pray. I think I would love to have my children and family as part of such a giving community that comes with some rules and lessons about how to live this crazy life. I think I would love the comfort and support of that community when things go bad. Or to share the good with. I think I would love to pray when I am in need (and actually I just do anyways). I would love to have an organized way to teach lessons and to remind myself of the importance of service.

There are many things about being part of a religious community to that would annoy me too and also would need to take precedence over many other aspects of my life that feel more important to me. It would take away time from areas and people I feel I would want to choose to put my energies towards. I would definately not want to be going to church every Sunday. Or even most Sundays-or probably if I am honest any Sunday.

What I admire about people who are very religious is that no matter what they have something to hold onto. Something to believe in. They seem to believe in something bigger than themselves.

What I find difficult is sometimes the hypocrisy I see in some people who preach religion (aka: 18 kids and counting!!!!!) It’s much harder to accept this evilness in people who preach about how much good they do in the world than in those who keep their lives more private.

Overall though I feel convinced that religion is good for people and their families. I think it is a lovely, embracing community for so many people that enriches their lives in many ways and that of their children and families. I think religious people have better lives ultimately.

Overall I feel that it is likely something I have missed out on in my life somehow.

The fact remains though. And it is a HUGE fact…that literally as soon as Jesus Christ and God or Heavenly Father comes into the picture or discussions of religion that surrounds this  (aka: always) I just lose interest. I just stop listening. It all just lose touch with anything I have learnt or felt. It loses everything for me right then and there. Everything just shuts down. I just stop listening entirely-and trust me I have tried to open my mind. Nada. Nothing.

I wish the world could have such wonderful communities and organizations without the high price and ticket you have to pay to be that member. Like anything else in life –wouldn't it is great to be able to take the good part and leave aside the parts and  the pieces that are much less attractive to you and that don’t sit well with you?

But religion is package deal. Isn’t it?

Or so I thought. Both my Mom and  I have  several  religious very close people in our lives  All of these people are willing to pray for us during our time of need, all of them say we should pray during our own time of need. This brings us comfort somehow. And they know we do not to any degree share their beliefs and they still offer us the option of prayer which brings them so much comfort in their own lives. They are willing to share that with us-and for me this is really, really really nice and sweet. And it is a true act of kindness and giving straight from the heart.

Organised religion communities are often portrayed as being far more giving to their own communities and churches than  to others causes and people in their lives. And sometimes I am sure this is true. But many religious people I know have shown great respect for those who do not share their opinions; and their giving reaches many people outside of their own communities.

I recently saw/heard about a religious portrayal explaining a particular religion. Completely opposite portrayals. One produced by the people of the religion themselves and one  produced by people outside of the religion. Both I would consider accurate and both I would consider polar opposites.How can that be? Perception is the key. The fundamental truth lies in neither or either. Both are true…one is based on how that religion experiences themselves and the other of how a world outside can experience them. Neither is reality.

Our job in life is to adapt and connect. To offer support, to ask for help and to get curious. Really life and it’ success comes down to these three practices in my mind anyways and always have. If we all did this in the world-I think the world would be a better and safer place.

And that is why I know two things:

1-I won’t ever be a religious person. I will be very spiritual though always

2-I will always accept the offer of support that is powered to be to pray during times of need and to have others pray for me. I choose to see myself as not hypocritical during these times but vulnerable and loved and accepting love that is shown to me. Of accepting a skill and belief that I don’t have access to and that is shared with me because of deep love for me. I find this very touching and always will. It deeply touches my heart.

We all believe what we believe. I feel good that I can write about this on a place I consider safe (my blog). I feel that if ever there is a God Almighty up there in the sky he is hearing me now and happy that I can write about the true thoughts that run through my mind.

That I can speak the truth that belongs to me.

And just like everything else in life, my views on religion evolve as I do. As I get wiser, and older and smarter and have more experiences in my life…I change. I am glad that I surround myself with all types of people with all types of beliefs as it makes my experience in this life a richer and better one.

And although I don’t believe in an organised religion and the whole package it comes with…I believe in fate, I believe in destiny, I believe in a form of heaven and I believe in the power of the universe to teach us the lessons that we need to learn. I believe that when people die they leave a lifetime of legacy and their souls land somewhere.

I believe in many things. I feel many things.

I believe life has miracles and infinite possibilities.

I believe in forgiveness and serving

I believe.

Maybe more than I really know?

A Friend Formula?

The other day I had a lunch meeting at my ex place of work (I am still there at least a few times a week pretty much as a lot of my consulting and networking for consulting goes on there and also mostly everyone I know works there)

I was having lunch with a guy who knows I have teens and he asked me”your teens seem to be pretty well adjusted and happy (or so I say!)-how come? What is the main thing you have done right? (He had recently shared a table with a group of co-workers who said their kids were really hard as teens, shut themselves in their rooms, were breaking all the rules, failing school, disrespecting parents.

It was a cool question as often as with many stages of parenthood I focus more on what I feel I am doing wrong than what I feel I am doing right.

“It’s the way we treat their friends and their friendships” I say.

He asked how that way was and I listed the ways that I think it has made a positive difference.

All their friends are welcome in our home. One of them, two of them, sometimes eight of them at a time. Boys and girls. We don’t judge their friends, criticize their friends or try and choose their friends. Except than they were little and had to ask for logistical sake if their friends could come over-they for years now just  tell us and inform us vs ask us to have a friend join for dinner or sleepover in general. They know that unless family vacation or a holiday or something exceptional their friends are always welcome and we always make place for them at our table and in our lives. Often even here and there during the week a friend will come to study and have dinner. We always make more food just in case.

And we treat their friends with respect. And we treat them like family members too. We sit with them at dinner and get totally curious about their lives. We make them promise to keep our kids safe in their cars and never to drink and drive. We make our rules in our home respect their rules too (give me your cell phone at the cottage) We ask about their families and honor their own traditions. If they pray on weekends we pray too, if they are vegetarians so are we that meal. We get special snacks for all the ones with nut allergies of course. We involve them in our family meetings if they are there, family calendar and planning and many many of our traditions.

We make special time for their best friends. We invite them to the cottage and offer to help them when going through a rough time. We take them out for fancy grad dinners –the ones who have we have known since kindergarten- and might even buy them a beer this time given they are all almost 18 and such a special occasion. We drive them all over the place and text them often to say happy birthday or good luck on an exam.

Last night we had Chase’s friend join spontaneously for dinner as he preferred our fish and asparagus dinner to what his parents were serving.(don’t ask me why!) Tonight we had planned a little quite evening a trois with me and Hubby and Bear for fondue and a movie and a swim and  Beauty called last minute from a friend’s house and asked if nine of them could come and hang here instead (with boys too omg!) . I made a point to go introduce myself to each one and shake the hands of all the boys too with all the girls giggling away.

. Bear is staying back the next couple of weekends for sports events and we call his friends and ask if ok that he stays with them and we make sure to take them to the cottage for a tubing weekend on the boat soon. Bear commented tonight as one of the sets of parents came unexpectedly early (aka 2 hrs early to get their teen) “I am so grateful you guys would never do that! Nope. Never.I wouldn't want someone to pick me up early if I was having fun .

We text their friend’s parents and know who they are in general and offer to take their kids frequently at the cottage to give them a break. We spend lots and lots of time getting it right with friends and we always have and it has paid off.

We do the same for girlfriends. And one day we will do the same for boyfriends.(I guess)

We treat our own friends and the friends of our children as family. We make them a big priority and their lives and interests and souls matter and are  a big priority. And so far..they are feeling the love. Countless of them have told us that of all their friends parents-we will be the ones invited to their weddings (one went as far this week to say he would prefer us than his own parents at his wedding!)

We adore them and nuture them but we also give them tons of space. We don’t snoop on them, or interfere much when our kids have friends over (or interfere much in general with our kids social lives). We don’t try to avoid their mistakes and screw ups in general and assume they all have good intentions and will find their way.

I try to set a strong example with my own friendships to and try as often as I can to walk the talk. Sometimes their needs are pout aside when a friends needs me in a crisis, even if impossible to find a date for our big friends bbq pool gatherings-we find a way as it an important tradition for us all. Our kids know our own friendships are very important to us. They always have been.

With all the ways I am hard on myself as a parent and find fault. With all the ways I can count how I don’t nurture the kids enough (don’t cook much, don’t tuck them in long enough, sometimes don’t tend to  care enough)…I know that one area we are getting right for certain is the friendships. And as I articulated to my colleague yesterday over lunch. It became clear to me that this has been a winning formula for teens in our household.

And I felt damn proud.

The Truth of Today ( and this week )

Truth is a funny thing isn't it ? There are different forms of the truth and it can change rapidly . One truth can be there one month and be untrue the other . Truth sometimes can only make itself known when you admit the truth to yourself first . You can try and reject the truth , alter the truth and not accept the truth . What may be true today ... May not be true tomorrow .

As of Saturday ( so 6 days now) I feel my truth is :

I feel sad and even a little depressed:(

And I think it has something to do with not having the corporate  career I had for my lifetime . It has to do with being laid off 8 weeks ago along with 50 other people who might be feeling the same right now .

This week I am desperately missing the buzz around me as I work , the noise , the drama , the stirfys , the celebration cupcakes at every corner when a new drug is approved . I miss administrative support and new ideas , I miss teamwork , I miss knowledge and power and status .

I miss my friends and my buddies and my desk and big window and big office 

I miss my real life .

  

What I am doing right now career wise don't get me wrong is going really really well so far . Entrepreneurial , consulting , Independant work, great networking lunches and meetings and lots of paid contracts so far too. . I honestly can't believe what I have been able to achieve and transform in a mere 8 weeks . But even with this success I am constantly asking myself the questions : "do I like having to drive by gps to  far away appts , do I like doing all my admin and invoicing ; do I like my days without noise around them unless I am in meetings or delivering trainings , do I like having a home office ?

Do I like this life ?

Can I do this life ?

Is it for me ?

So far lucrative and flexible are  two aspects I seek and adore in a career . But is it enough ?

I have made a promise to myself to try it out for 1.5 yrs . Until the end of 2016 as I think I could get very used to this , be very successful , make a lot more money in less hours, and have a lot less daily stress in my life overall . It could be a winning formula and make me a lot happier as a person . I could be passionate about the work I am doing as the content of it is very inspirational.

And I need to give it that full chance . I need to explore it and feel the feelings that come with it . Let in the success and failures- both. 

But for now , for this week in particular .. for this moment I feel

empty and sad and even fragile emotionally . Tears are at the corners of my eyes often when my ex collegue calls me " bye buddy " on the phone when he hangs up and when I hear that the company I used I be part of is managing fine without my contribution it seems.

I feel lost .

And that is just the way it is for

Now .

For today