The other day I had a lunch meeting at my ex place of
work (I am still there at least a few times a week pretty much as a lot of my
consulting and networking for consulting goes on there and also mostly everyone
I know works there)
I was having lunch with a guy who knows I have teens and
he asked me”your teens seem to be pretty
well adjusted and happy (or so I say!)-how come? What is the main thing you
have done right? (He had recently shared a table with a group of co-workers
who said their kids were really hard as teens, shut themselves in their rooms,
were breaking all the rules, failing school, disrespecting parents.
It was a cool question as often as with many stages of
parenthood I focus more on what I feel I am doing
wrong than what I feel I am doing
right.
“It’s
the way we treat their friends and their friendships” I
say.
He asked how that way was and I listed the ways that I
think it has made a positive difference.
All their friends are welcome in our home. One of them,
two of them, sometimes eight of them at a time. Boys and girls. We don’t judge
their friends, criticize their friends or try and choose their friends. Except than
they were little and had to ask for logistical sake if their friends could come
over-they for years now just tell us and
inform us vs ask us to have a friend join for dinner or sleepover in general.
They know that unless family vacation or a holiday or something exceptional their
friends are always welcome and we always make place for them at our table and
in our lives. Often even here and there during the week a friend will come to
study and have dinner. We always make more food just in case.
And we treat their friends with respect. And we treat
them like family members too. We sit with them at dinner and get totally
curious about their lives. We make them promise to keep our kids safe in their
cars and never to drink and drive. We make our rules in our home respect their
rules too (give me your cell phone at the cottage) We ask about their families
and honor their own traditions. If they pray on weekends we pray too, if they
are vegetarians so are we that meal. We get special snacks for all the ones
with nut allergies of course. We involve them in our family meetings if they
are there, family calendar and planning and many many of our traditions.
We make special time for their best friends. We invite
them to the cottage and offer to help them when going through a rough time. We
take them out for fancy grad dinners –the ones who have we have known since kindergarten-
and might even buy them a beer this time given they are all almost 18 and such
a special occasion. We drive them all over the place and text them often to say
happy birthday or good luck on an exam.
Last night we had Chase’s friend join spontaneously for
dinner as he preferred our fish and asparagus dinner to what his parents were
serving.(don’t ask me why!) Tonight we had planned a little quite evening a trois
with me and Hubby and Bear for fondue and a movie and a swim and Beauty called last minute from a friend’s house
and asked if nine of them could come and hang here instead (with boys too omg!)
. I made a point to go introduce myself to each one and shake the hands of all
the boys too with all the girls giggling away.
. Bear is staying back the next couple of weekends for
sports events and we call his friends and ask if ok that he stays with them and
we make sure to take them to the cottage for a tubing weekend on the boat soon.
Bear commented tonight as one of the sets of parents came unexpectedly early
(aka 2 hrs early to get their teen) “I am so grateful you guys would never
do that! Nope. Never.I wouldn't want someone to pick me up early if I was having fun .
We text their friend’s parents and know who they are in
general and offer to take their kids frequently at the cottage to give them a
break. We spend lots and lots of time getting it right with friends and we
always have and it has paid off.
We do the same for girlfriends. And one day we will do
the same for boyfriends.(I guess)
We treat our own friends and the friends of our children
as family. We make them a big priority and their lives and interests and souls
matter and are a big priority. And so
far..they are feeling the love. Countless of them have told us that of all
their friends parents-we will be the ones invited to their weddings (one went
as far this week to say he would prefer us than his own parents at his
wedding!)
We adore them and nuture them but we also give them tons
of space. We don’t snoop on them, or interfere much when our kids have friends over
(or interfere much in general with our kids social lives). We don’t try to
avoid their mistakes and screw ups in general and assume they all have good
intentions and will find their way.
I try to set a strong example with my own friendships to and try as often as I can to walk the talk. Sometimes their needs are pout aside when a friends needs me in a crisis, even if impossible to find a date for our big friends bbq pool gatherings-we find a way as it an important tradition for us all. Our kids know our own friendships are very important to us. They always have been.
With all the ways I am hard on myself as a parent and
find fault. With all the ways I can count how I don’t nurture the kids enough (don’t
cook much, don’t tuck them in long enough, sometimes don’t tend to care enough)…I know that one area we are
getting right for certain is the friendships. And as I articulated to my colleague
yesterday over lunch. It became clear to me that this has been a winning formula
for teens in our household.
And I felt damn proud.
