In one of the
leadership courses I teach at the company I work for, the class is asked to take
7 assessments over the 6 months of courses. Four of these assessments include
360 feedbacks from colleagues, bosses, and direct reports. Others 360 feedback
includes friends, spouses and children.
And it always shocks
me how shocked the employees are to receive this feedback. Some are angry, some
toss it in the garbage…some even cry. Many many are deeply affected in one way
or another.
What always stays
with me is how differently we see ourselves as human beings than others may
perceive us? We live in bubbles…and the close people around us often validate
what we think of ourselves (unless they are asked anonymously that is!) . We
tend to tell our husbands we are nurturing or our wives we are smart and so
they end up thinking of us in that manner. And so our bubbles continues. Then we
proclaim to our children that we are wise, or fun, or generous or charitable and so they too
grow up agreeing with these adjectives that we use to describe ourselves.
But what are we
really? Who are we? Is it our own interpretations of ourselves that matter or
the opinions of others? Is it first impressions or long impressions that matter
most? Which are reality? All of them? Just one?
A neighbor the other
day was describing her brother who I know well and still know well and she said
that “ he was one of the strongest leaders she has ever known and the most
charitable and generous person she knew on this planet” The words I would
descrive him as ?” Introverted, shy and a bully” I asked my other
friend who also knows him well and her three words? “Sexy, Secretive and
compelling."
Wide range of adjectives to describe him this man
has!!!
Working in a
corporate environment we take a lot of pulse checks alot of the time. We
get a lot of feedback..all the time. But outside of the
corporate environment who takes our pulse besides our doctor? Do we ask enough
for feedback and give it often enough? Is it kind to give not only positive
feedback but constructive feedback. Is it necessary? Helpful?
One of my daughter’s
friends the other day told me that everyone she knows describes her as “nice”.
And she asked me what I thought about this? Was it a good adjective or a boring
one? She was courageous to want to have this conversation. She asked me for the
truth as she said her own Mother said of course being nice was a good thing
and everyone should want to be considered nice.
She did not believe
her Mother.
I told her my own
truth. As a kid and a teen it was not the adjective that I would have aimed for
necessarily, but now looking back maybe it should have been. I said in
retrospect I think it is a compliment. She and I had a great discussion about
this. I told her that the older you get …..the more niceness becomes important
(not that I have been described with this adjective my many over my lifetime. I
am a lot of things but not sure nice is on my top three-actually I am sure it
is not).
I told her that in my
opinion niceness was a lovely thing to be and as she got older it would become
even more and more important. She also said that one of the reasons that she
likes social media lot is that so many people seem to be nicer than in the real
world to her. This I could believe and I told her that over the last weeks I
have noticed the same thing….people are nice on social media..really nice in
general. And that also social media can be mean as people have less filters so I was glad that people appreciated her on line.
Most importantly I
asked her how she thought of herself? And also what value niceness had for
her-was it high?
She said that she
would not describe herself as nice but as “athletic” and that no she did not value
niceness and that she thought “sporty” was more valuable. And we talked about
the cognitive dissonance that this must cause her in her daily life. That there was
nothing in fact wrong with being nice but it was neither how she saw herself or
her aspiration. That is two strikes against nice right there.
All that to say-I
like it when people get back those reports in my classroom. I love it actually.
It is like a four way mirror-unforgiving. And there is nothing like a good
realty show is there?
People go around this
world thinking that they are one thing or another and having this validation
from people who likely live with them. But once they truly and honestly have
the confidence to ask others..what their feedback is and sit back for the
ride. Listen…really really listen.
I remember myself 8
years ago being one of the students in the same class that I now teach and
getting back my 7 reports. I remember one in particular…..completely and
utterly alarmed me as my perceptions were so very different that the reality in
front of me. That was a wakeup call for me in a lot of ways. And there were not
even really big remarks in the report just a whole bunch of little things I did
not know….or realize about myself.- just like in the case of pretty much all of
the over 150 leaders to whom I have offered this course too. I remeber crying myself to sleep that night and repressing some of these comments for a long while. I think I did literally throw the report out too!
Fast forward 8 years
I now love receiving those reports and they are much more in line with what I
know about myself. There is far less of a gap between my own perceptions of
myself and others perceptions of me. I now take them every couple of years just
for fun and I really really enjoy the feedback I get. I have grown up a lot. I
am not fully there in terms of feedback but I am well on my way and a lot
closer to my goals of the way I handle it that I was 8 yrs. ago. I am much more aware of my weaknesses and much more accepting of them. Usually what people tell me I am myself working on. Not always though-there is always that blindspot.
For me one of the
most courageous things a human can do is ask for true feedback and not just
listen to it…but hear it. Seek it…seek to understand it. And ultimately to
integrate that feedback into their lives and sense of self. To make changes
based on others perceptions-for the better. To not stick to their guns in terms of "this is who I am and I am not changing". I find as I get older...this is something I am trying (not yet succeeeding necessarily) in doing.
A colleague came into
my office today and asked me point blank three questions about herself and
asked me to be really really honest in my answers..I was ..and it was super hard as I don’t
really like her much and so my feedback was not all roses and flowers…..
She took it as a
gift. I admired her a lot.
I was about to let
her walk out my office door when I caught my error.
I looked at her and
said ”Can you answer the same three questions about me?”. I knew it would not be
pretty.
I was ready. I could feel my jaw tighten and my fist clench in fear.
She looked at me and
said ”Sure. I really want to take my time though and get back to you as I want
to really think about it and articulate it so it makes the most sense to you”
And again..I admired
her. This girl is on a roll. Good for her.
So tonight it is on
my mind. Part of me is a little apprehensive and part of me is grateful. That I
have lots of reality checks just waiting for me if I want them as I did today.
I still don’t think
"nice" will be anywhere on the list my colleague creates for me-not am I even sure
I want to it to be. And maybe actually I do?
What I know is that
although four way mirrors like the one I have in my bathroom that I wake up to
every morning and look in while I exit the showerscan be depressing, and too
truthful and show flaws from all angles. They can also be a great reality check
of the things we appreciate and the things we don’t and a great compass towards
the directions in which we are ready to go.
What are your three
words you use to describe yourself?
What about asking
three people (not in your family) to describe you? What would they be? Ask them for three positive ones and three not so posituve ones.
Do you have the
courage to ask? Do you want to know???
Do It. It is good for you.
