To Juice or not to Juice?

My kids think I have gone crazy. As part of my “Health Kick” that has begun in our house this September I have banned juice from our house.

Maybe they are right-maybe I have officially lost it?

These are my reasons. It’s all very simple. Whatever I have in my house-my kids reach for it. If I have cookies they choose them over crackers. If I have eggos-they choose that over toast. If I have chocolate syrup for milk they choose that over plain milk. If I have sweet granola bars they choose them over healthy granola bars. If I have juice they choose that over milk.

So I have decided that I cannot have both.

Something has to go.

It’s going to be the less healthy choices. Banned. Pointe Finale. My Soul keeper (aka Flaxseed girl) should be very, very proud of me.

I have tried everything to make my kids want to make autonomous nutritious choices-but most the time it doesn’t work unless I am there nagging them. They eat very healthy much of the time-but also eat a pile of crap alot of the time.

They rarely get sick (touch wood!) so I must be doing something right.

So here’s the news system (September is full of systems for our household)

·        All food in house is very healthy (as in nuts, cheese, yogurt, protein, whole grain breads etc..)

·        That’s all they have to choose from

·        Any result kind of snacks like white crackers, juices, and granola bars etc.. are put on  a super high shelf none of us can reach and brought down for “special” occasions or weekends

·        On weekends I buy treats and they are allowed them all

·        After the weekend is over the treats go back on the high shelf until the next weekend

·        At Trent –our cottage-we completely let loose. All sorts of treat, yummys and white bagels and everything! Win- win situation since I want them to keep coming there-this is a good motivator :)

So far my system:

Has caused alot of backlash from my kids (and my Mom). My Mom is quite shocked I limit juice so I allow some juice boxes now for lunches-gosh. The pressure!

Has definitely made my kids eat healthier. Chase the other day had 4 yogurts! Bear asked my Mom to go out and buy him a full ham and Bonne Bell cheese since he had a craving. Beauty loves whole wheat bagels and says the white ones now taste like cardboard! Yay!

So it’s a Health Kick and one of my new September Systems. Will it stick? Will it be kicked? Will I be murdered by the kids (and my Mom) before it’s been long enough to tell? I will let you know.

PS-For any husbands reading this don’t feel so sorry for my Protector ok? He has a huge stash of cookies, chocolate bars, white crackers, chocolate almonds, tons of caffeine and lots of liquor in his own secret high up hiding place. He is just perfectly fine.

The Sad Separation of Work and Life

I have always hated the expression Work Life Balance. It really gets on my nerves actually. You might assume that I have distaste for it because it implies that work and life actually have the potential to be balanced but in reality they never can be? That is not why at all actually, more than anyone you are likely to come across, I am a firm believer that you can find balance in your life (if this is what you aspire to do of course).

What I hate about it is the separation of work from someone’s actual life. To me these terms should be married and not divorced.

I have been teaching and coaching on this subject for years now and I will tell you that from my experience the happiest people on earth who achieve both inner and outer success have fluid feelings and movement from work to home and home to work. Most of them do not even know exactly what they earn or when exactly that paycheck is deposited every month (their partner might keep track but not them).

These happy people love what they do as work and are defined by it. Their work is their life. Harder to achieve is their life fitting into their work (that’s why thy usually come see me). In the end though...it all comes together and their day is filled to the brim with just a series of Life Itself.

Are they always happy? Are things always smooth? Is it always balanced?

No. No and No.

Do they sit around from 9am-5pm  (or from 7am-9pm !) wishing they were home and counting the minutes until their meetings are over? Do they sit at the dinner table with their families and wish they were on their laptops.

They do not.

What differentiates these “happy- one- life- people” is that they have developed the ability to be fully present in their interactions whether that be at home or at work. They make conscious choices about where their time is spent. Ask anyone of them what their values, priorities and objectives are both personal and professional and they will shoot them off to you quicker than you can turn your head.

They all have laser focus.

These are often surprisingly the same people who are chastised and judged quite often harshly by those around them who don’t fully know or care to understand them

“Look at Savannah...she missed her daughter’s school play today because she was at work-disgusting!

“Don’t you find that Mark is a slacker? Can you imagine taking a parental leave for 6 weeks to take care of your baby when you are on a high career track? Surely he doesn’t care at all about being promoted.”

“How can Lana not workout at the gym class offered at work everyday? She is so overweight and spends her lunches surfing the net looking for her next exotic trip to take. What a waste of time when you have extra pounds to lose!”

What’s interesting about the fictional quotes above it that they are all very realistic. Trust me. What the listener however fails to see are that conscious choices have been made by these people above and often these are the people who are getting it all right and not all wrong. We make assumptions very quickly about others. Very often false assumptions

In my life as a Mom of three and a very busy career. I make choices all the time. Every day-every single second it seems. Almost always however I can justify these choices if asked and provide the context. They were deliberate choices and have the “supporting documentation” .

I have chosen “life” very often. I have excused myself from big board meetings to watch my son be the silent tree in the play at school . I have sat on a beach and and built castles in the sand with my kids while the company I work for went trough a massive restructuration. I have gotten a massage when I should have been preparing for my presentation the next day. Cancelled an important business trip to Portugal because my Grandpa was very sick.

I have also chose “work” equally as often. I missed the last PTA meeting. I have had offsite dinners on my son’s birthday. Three times I have been travelling abroad during school pictures (the result is “Daddy Hair” for Beauty as I have named it-quite an interesting sight!). I have cared for my team at work  and consoled them during their stresses and anxieties when I have had an equally anxious child at home who failed a math semester.

My husband and I doubt we will ever really retire. It’s just not what we do. We would likely feel like we would be retiring from our life if we were to stop working entirely one day. We wouldn’t recognize ourselves if we gave up this important parts of ourselves. Likely for us life as we get older will equal more of what we enjoy doing the most, and less of what we enjoying doing the least. Both of us agree though that without the work..vacation would just not be vacation. And god knows ... we need that to look forward to.

So all of you out there stop trying to balance work and life and lean toward integrating the two. Learn to see that you only really have one chance. You only really have ONE life. Use it well.. Nurture it. Care for it. Love it as much as you possibly can. Be accountable for the decisions you make in it and for it. Protect your choices until the bitter end. Listen to  the sweet sound of your own deliberate voice and make sound and mature choices. Live it fully that life-it belongs to YOU!

Gratitude-Week of Sept 12th 2011

Gratitude in General:

My Brother Boy, (Aero Mint)  emails: “Dinner at Milos’s with my sister! That is amazing..!” His emails always make me feel so good.

My nicknames from both my brother boys.  Pinkle and Trink. Love those names. Treasure them. Have contributed so much to who I have become today :)

Me and my heartbeat on the phone truly peeing our pants from laughter often. Our inside jokes, our stories, the lives we share raising “our” 3 cubs.

My Protector and writing “Pookie Bear” on my birthday cake.

My Sister Savvy for our new hobby together.

Thankful for Chase:

Now suddenly  muscular and  strong and abs of steel-but still small  enough in length to lie his body on top of mine and cuddle in big blanket on a boat ride

50 ducks come and do their business on our cottage law. Chase comes out and says “Dad I have an idea-can you pay me 5$ to clean up this crap? “

Thankful for Bear:

“I can’t wait until I am older so I can drink coffee, beer and wine”

“When I am older I am going to buy a pack of Pillsbury cookie dough and make one big cookie all for myself”

Thankful for Beauty

For the best early birthday present ever! Justin Bieber hope you are watching You-tube!

“It was really cute-Bear made me a pancake and gave me a fork and a knife and syrup and said “Here beauty-a little pancake for you”

Flowergirls

I love watching my daughter grow up.

It is such a privilege.

They play of girls-it fascinates me. So very different than the play of boys.

Two girls communicating, empathizing, understanding, creating, imagining, sharing. It is lovely to watch my daughter and her new friend at play.

The sweet gesture of a gift to the hostess of sparkly barrettes, the gracious acceptance of the gift from my daughter. Hugging at the end and promises for sleepovers.

I love seeing my daughter blossoming into everything she was ever meant to be. I love seeing her uniqueness, her kindness and her inquisitive side. I love the fact that others love to be around her. I love the fact that she is perfectly herself in every interaction.

Girls focus on manners and hostess roles. The two little sweethearts discussed who should choose the first cupcake this time and next time they visit. It was more important to each of them to please the other than to be pleased themselves.

I love seeing in my daughter all the values, ideas and traditions that we have worked so hard on all these years together. It is such a pleasure to see the type of gentle friend my daughter can be.

I loved watching these two little girls together tonight. Two little flowers themselves with a friendship between them blossoming.

 I would take tonight every single time over a real bouquet of flowers. Happy Valentine's day to me.

Perceptions

Look at the illusion below

What do you see?

You probably read the word ME in  brown, but...
when you look through ME you will  see YOU !

Do you need to look again? (illusion seems not to show up at all on some computersL

When my son, sent me this illusion the other day by email (I love receiving email from him-such a cool way to communicate with kids) it made me stop and think. What came to mind was perception and the way we see things...and ultimately the way it affects both our communication and our relationships.

Last week one of my BFF’s and I were faced with a round of miscommunication. She had written something that I had interpreted in the completely wrong way. Her intention of what she had written was completely different than the way I perceived it. We saw the same words-but there meaning was completely different to each of us.

Lucky for both of us, we are so close that we confronted this with one another and simply cleared this up right away. We checked in and said “Hey that bothered me-and this is how I interpreted this” which led to “OMG-that was not the intended meaning at all!”

Both of us were secure enough in our relationship to ask these questions. Thankfully.

Sometimes I look at the world and think...it’s just a series of miscommunications really.

Makes me think of the expression I learnt from one of my teachers of transformation of “coming complete” . Always finish what you have  started. Always say what is on your mind . Always check in for accuracy. Always tell the truth in the way that it occurs to you.  Always share your occurring world with the other people around you as what may occur to you may not occur to them.

I am thankful that usually in most cases I come complete with the people around me. For the few instances that I have not done so (yet) in particular instances or relationships..I can feel the weight of this burden often. It’s heavy on me and it drags me down.

I am going to keep in mind this optical illusion that Bear sent me and let it serve as a reminder. What YOU see and what ME sees is not always the accuracy of what WE see as unit. The intricacies , the context and the complexities of the relationship we share between us ,  count for way more than what simply meets the eye.

Suitcases and Umbrellas

A disclaimer I need to make: I am not a full expert (yet) on 12 yrs and over. I consider myself extremely knowledgable in 0-12 yrs but still have another year or so left in the area of teenagers. Careful  studying, reading, researching, coaching and gaining feedback before I can say that I know what I am talking about fully. I hold myself to my own professional standard that if you have not coached or counseled at least 100 people on a particular area or stage (and received confirmation that your strategies are in fact effective) that you cannot claim that you are effective yet in this area.

So for the moment-I humbly rely on others when it comes to the 12 plus years. I ask tons of questions to those who have survived these years, read every book I can get my hands on (literally bought 75 in one yr at Chapters), have lunch and get curious with as many people I can find that have this age of child, take courses, do I-Learn segments and most importantly invite opportunities for myself to coach others on this topic  and warn them that I consider myself still learning.

It’s been two years that I have been  studying adolescence now and want a full other year under my belt. One of my favorite experts on the subject of Adolescence right now is my Aunt Chiffon. She and my uncle Chez Veto have been raising their two cubs for years now that are now 20 yrs and 18 yrs and have turned out beautifully and incredibly. This proof of success is by far enough for me to consider them full live experts in this field.

Chiffon has given me a wonderful lens through which to see adolescence as a stage and a beautiful visual to go with it.

It’s about suitcases and umbrellas

Chiffon said –and I interpreted in my own way and words- to imagine a picture of you with your little kids walking with them and holding all of their hand (even though you have two hands and they have six hands to hold). There you are scurrying down the street and while holding their six hands with your two they each have a number of suitcases behind them that they are too little to carry themselves-(or at least you believe they are too little and too weak). So let’s say with three kids maybe 6 suitcases each? So that’s me with 18 suitcases and six hands. But it’s raining so now I need to make sure their little heads don’t get wet so I have to carry three umbrellas over third sweet little heads too. And oh no! My head will get wet too-but oh well-their heads are more important than mine anyways.

Well as you can see this load is a very, very heavy one. It is exhausting and tiring and frustrating and actually it is impossible to sustain or carry yourself . So as the kids get older and more capable you have to let the rain fall on their heads and allow them to get wet. You have to start worrying about your own  hair and put an umbrella over it so that you look presentable at work. With the suitcases you have to let them go one by one and put them in the capable hands of your children. Bye bye academic success suitcase! Bye bye-do you have friends or not at school suitcase! Bye bye do you make too many eggs as a snack afterschool suitcase! Bye bye do you wear your helmet when I am not watching suitcase ! Bye bye  do you keep candy hidden under your bed suitcase! Bye bye- do you look other adults directly in the eye when saying thank you as you leave their homes suitcase! They are yours now, my cubs, so decide to lug them around or decide to keep them in the closet-it’s your choice now.

 If they have too many suitcases to carry and find the load too heavy themselves-you have to teach them to pack more lightly the next time and show them how to.

Eventually you also have to stop holding their hands too-and walk together side by side. With their hands in yours they are learning only your part of the world  (your part) and not their own interpretations. Their hands leave yours but they are still beside you and listening to your voice. As they make mistakes, and their hearts break, or they fail at something they wanted to succeed at they may want to hold your hand for part of the stroll again-but then you will need to tell them that they need to let go and urge them to want to let go willingly. This is your role as a parent.

Soon you become 4 people (and five if your husband happens to be there too with suitcases and umbrellas needed to be carried!) You all stand apart but closely bound and side by side.

(Tears in my eyes now as I am writing. Never thought my own blog could make me cry).

Reminds me of a beautiful rock my Heartbeat gave to me years ago that is a rock divided by a line. She said ‘together always but separated” I have that rock in my nightable beside my bed and look at it often. It reminds me that my mommy is still always there for me but that my life as a mommy and wife is my own to lead now. She gave it to me when she went on a long vacation (3 weeks was the most ever I did not communicate with her) we speak, email, leave msgs or do something many times a day)

As I write this email I just texted my amazing Aunt Chiffon to tell her that I named her on my blog. Her answer was many things, but ended with “Love you too my dear Tarina xox!”.

Thank you Chiffon for giving me a direction and for lightening my load. Without you…I may have been carrying suitcases and umbrellas for a lifetime.

Losing Control

One thing that I am really struggling with these days is control. To clarify-I have always struggled with control actually. Seen professionals, seen naturopaths, tried massage therapy-all for the purpose of something else initially but it all essentially comes down to the reality that I am a control freak.

Parts of being a control freak have worked really well for me in my life and have probably largely contributed to my having quite big and responsible careers from a very early age out of University. Parts of being a control freak have also worked out very well for me as a Mom in our family since there is a lot of order, routines, rituals and my kids feel like they can depend on me to make anything better. Being a control freak at work has been very productive for me in my career. My bosses and teams love me as they know that I will never let them down or not deliver.

Where I am finding that being a control freak is not working out, especially lately, is for my own personal wellbeingL My health, my stress levels, some chronic pain, my  ability to just relax and enjoy. My overall state of being is all going downhill in some concerning directions.

Another area that being a control freak is not working out for me is in the area of teenagers-it is not even half as effective as it has been in the past when the kids were younger. Now that I am entering the “Pray for Them” stage vs. the” Teach Them or Guide Them” stages-I need a new compass and its name is not control.

So my new big project and I need some serious help here so please help me-is:

Losing Control.

And by that I don’t mean ranting and raving and screaming to which this terms is usually attributed (I do enough of that on my own thank you very much!)

It is as in- get control out of me-lose it.

Where I want to start losing control is first with Chase who will be 14 in December. I would like to learn to let  his life be owned fully by him and not worry about it, let his homework be his own and his grades and not worry about this, let him prepare for the next day without me checking up on him and reminding him that his lunch is all moldy and rotten at the bottom of his schoolbag. I want to not concern myself with any of this unless he is not adhering to family routines or feeling well overall , such as  being the dinner table when expected or not at our family meetings when he should be, or not passing school or completely down and out.

If I could have even one single day when “his stuff” is not “in my active mind” as though it were all happening to me-I would be satisfied.

I am exhausted I realized the other day. I have no more room to worry about these kids and their stuff anymore! The worst part is is all three of them are FINE! There is nothing really wrong in the lives of any of them. Last year when there was something very wrong in the lives of one of them-I nearly lost my mind completely-it was dreadful. At this point I may have anxiety about parts of their  lives, some of their habits etc.., some of their grades, but they are completely happy and are not complaining (for the moment anyways)

I create stress for my family. Recently I had to leave the house for a few days because I had the flu and did not want them to get sick and I honestly think they were happier without me in a lot of ways. Sure from afar I was still the puppeteer controlling their days, their homework, their routines and rituals through the people that I delegated these tasks to, but the difference was I was not there nagging them about it and I think it makes them all happier.

So I need some serious help in this area and some serious support as I embark on my losing control journey. I have a few friends, my Soulkeeper in particular, who have soooo very much to teach me in this area. I look at these people and think “Gosh I wish I could be as peaceful as you are even with all the stresses in your life. “. Bring it on babies! I am a learning machine!

So for the next few weeks I am going to focus on the below (feel free to interfere if you see me goofing up which I am certain to do)

1-Let people own the areas they own and evaluate thesea areas a  few times a year (as in once a quarter) as opposed to making comments on a daily basis of how it could be better. Let them try their own thing and succeed or fail, and readjust without my continuous mundane commentary.

2-Reduce bureaucracy by interfering less and go with the flow. Accept that things will not be perfect. Let the to do list go on for longer…and stop nagging and reminding about it’s items.

3-With my kids have a firm behavior /consequence sequence that they are all aware of and aligned on  (done at family meeting last week!)  but in between don’t think about this, bug them about it or ask them about it just apply the consequence (as is pluck a buck just take the money and don’t say 5 mins before “You know I am going to have to take some money from your jar soon eh? Or “Taking money from jar now-please mentally note”

4-Let my kids’ lives be their own really. Especially the 13 yr. old (the 11 yr. old and 9 yr. old I still have some guidance there to squish in there before they are teens)  Try and  not worry  so much and  stop trying to fix what is not broken. Don’t worry about what they themselves are not even worrying about. And if there is something worrying them-help them out-provide direction-provide coaching-provide a listening ear-but do not take their problem on as my own. Believe me I have enough of my own concerns.

So it’s a start right? Let’s see where it goes. Hold me accountable readers! Give me tips and tricks and I promise to soak it all in.