A disclaimer I need to make: I am not a full expert (yet) on 12 yrs and over. I consider myself extremely knowledgable in 0-12 yrs but still have another year or so left in the area of teenagers. Careful studying, reading, researching, coaching and gaining feedback before I can say that I know what I am talking about fully. I hold myself to my own professional standard that if you have not coached or counseled at least 100 people on a particular area or stage (and received confirmation that your strategies are in fact effective) that you cannot claim that you are effective yet in this area.
So for the moment-I humbly rely on others when it comes to the 12 plus years. I ask tons of questions to those who have survived these years, read every book I can get my hands on (literally bought 75 in one yr at Chapters), have lunch and get curious with as many people I can find that have this age of child, take courses, do I-Learn segments and most importantly invite opportunities for myself to coach others on this topic and warn them that I consider myself still learning.
It’s been two years that I have been studying adolescence now and want a full other year under my belt. One of my favorite experts on the subject of Adolescence right now is my Aunt Chiffon. She and my uncle Chez Veto have been raising their two cubs for years now that are now 20 yrs and 18 yrs and have turned out beautifully and incredibly. This proof of success is by far enough for me to consider them full live experts in this field.
Chiffon has given me a wonderful lens through which to see adolescence as a stage and a beautiful visual to go with it.
It’s about suitcases and umbrellas
Chiffon said –and I interpreted in my own way and words- to imagine a picture of you with your little kids walking with them and holding all of their hand (even though you have two hands and they have six hands to hold). There you are scurrying down the street and while holding their six hands with your two they each have a number of suitcases behind them that they are too little to carry themselves-(or at least you believe they are too little and too weak). So let’s say with three kids maybe 6 suitcases each? So that’s me with 18 suitcases and six hands. But it’s raining so now I need to make sure their little heads don’t get wet so I have to carry three umbrellas over third sweet little heads too. And oh no! My head will get wet too-but oh well-their heads are more important than mine anyways.
Well as you can see this load is a very, very heavy one. It is exhausting and tiring and frustrating and actually it is impossible to sustain or carry yourself . So as the kids get older and more capable you have to let the rain fall on their heads and allow them to get wet. You have to start worrying about your own hair and put an umbrella over it so that you look presentable at work. With the suitcases you have to let them go one by one and put them in the capable hands of your children. Bye bye academic success suitcase! Bye bye-do you have friends or not at school suitcase! Bye bye do you make too many eggs as a snack afterschool suitcase! Bye bye do you wear your helmet when I am not watching suitcase ! Bye bye do you keep candy hidden under your bed suitcase! Bye bye- do you look other adults directly in the eye when saying thank you as you leave their homes suitcase! They are yours now, my cubs, so decide to lug them around or decide to keep them in the closet-it’s your choice now.
If they have too many suitcases to carry and find the load too heavy themselves-you have to teach them to pack more lightly the next time and show them how to.
Eventually you also have to stop holding their hands too-and walk together side by side. With their hands in yours they are learning only your part of the world (your part) and not their own interpretations. Their hands leave yours but they are still beside you and listening to your voice. As they make mistakes, and their hearts break, or they fail at something they wanted to succeed at they may want to hold your hand for part of the stroll again-but then you will need to tell them that they need to let go and urge them to want to let go willingly. This is your role as a parent.
Soon you become 4 people (and five if your husband happens to be there too with suitcases and umbrellas needed to be carried!) You all stand apart but closely bound and side by side.
(Tears in my eyes now as I am writing. Never thought my own blog could make me cry).
Reminds me of a beautiful rock my Heartbeat gave to me years ago that is a rock divided by a line. She said ‘together always but separated” I have that rock in my nightable beside my bed and look at it often. It reminds me that my mommy is still always there for me but that my life as a mommy and wife is my own to lead now. She gave it to me when she went on a long vacation (3 weeks was the most ever I did not communicate with her) we speak, email, leave msgs or do something many times a day)
As I write this email I just texted my amazing Aunt Chiffon to tell her that I named her on my blog. Her answer was many things, but ended with “Love you too my dear Tarina xox!”.
Thank you Chiffon for giving me a direction and for lightening my load. Without you…I may have been carrying suitcases and umbrellas for a lifetime.
Thank you Chiffon for giving me a direction and for lightening my load. Without you…I may have been carrying suitcases and umbrellas for a lifetime.
