A Blond Fashionista is all it Takes

Last night my daughter performed in her Glee show concert-it was amazing. I enjoyed every single minute of this experience.My daughter even had  a solo.

Amongst her Glee club members one girl really stood out for me. She was about 9 yrs old but looked about 13 yrs  because of her size. When I heard her speak at the end I realized that she was much younger than she looked. She was super high energy, dancing around like crazy, singing her heart out and she had a deep ,raspy and lovely voice. She was also extremely stylish. The girls were asked to wear all black with props. Most of the girls were fairly conservative in their props…a scarf around their neck, a belt here and there some earrings. They all pretty much copied each other’s style and looked towards each other for acceptance in terms of what was “appropriate” (my girl however wore a green shirt…a story for another blog)!

This girl however went all out: pink wig, big sunglasses, big slippers. As far as I was concerned she looked like a real movie star. She was fairly overweight, but very very confident in her body. She danced and she sang her heart out. She wanted all eyes on her. She wanted very much to be the star. She kept grabbing the microphones and singing into them-and good for her because she had one of the best voices. At the end of the show she took a dramatic bow in front all by herself.

I knew this girl was eccentric that is certain, but I was also impressed by her. This girl had guts. Love that in a girl.

Well of course not all the other kids seem to share my point of view and  that is not surprising. After the show the first thing all the kids started talking about in the audience (including my two boys to my sadness and disappointment) was how “weird” this girl was and how they felt she ruined the show. The others girls in the Glee Club also pointed it out to eachother and everyone else they could how she was the worst singer and dancer (thankfully my daughter and their little group of friends did not take part said nothing, but I have pointed out that saying nothing and accepting these conversations is not helpful and makes you just as guilty when someone else is being “bullied”).

I hated hearing these conversations. Made me realize how mean kids can be and how unempathetic. How quickly they are to judge each other on outside appearances and how willing they are to not even keep their negative feelings to themselves. Made me realize why each day my kids set foot in a high school where these types of attitudes are accentuated-my blood pressure goes up.

This story has a happy ending though. I believe very strongly that you can’t make kids nicer by simple telling them what is right or wrong-often they have to experience it. So as I had a whole bunch of kids at the front of the stage going on and on and on about this poor girl-instead od shhhhing them or telling them off or criticizing them I decided to select a helper.

I chose the most popular, pretty, skinny and fashionable girl of the bunch and looked at her in front of everyone and said ”So what do you think about this conversation? What do you think of what everyone is saying about this girl?”

She turned slowly towards me….and she caught my eye. She seemed surprised to be singled out. She realized this was her moment.

“I think the girl was Amazing. I think she made the show Better. I think you are all very mean-she was a better singer than most of the group”

Yay little blond skinny girl!!!!!!

And with that..they all just shut up about it. Later in the donut store where we all went out to celebrate the show..I heard all the kids talking amongst themselves and talking again about this girl in a whole new light. They stopped making fun of her and starting talking about what made her  different yet unique. It was a good and constructive conversation.

This little popular girl used her influence positively that day and taught those kids a lesson that would not be possible from a parent. She led without direct authority. She made a difference.

In that same evening another parent looked at me and said “How do you have the energy to teach these kids such things-aren’t you tired?”

My answer was “How can I not?”

I have never wanted to be seen by kids as a friend. I find it much more powerful to be a Teacher. I may not always be the fun one, but I have decided I will make a difference in their lives if I go to my grave trying to.

To the poor girl on the stage…she remained unaware of what happened behind the scenes-but she too made a difference in the lives of many kids that night. Her teammates might have been skinnier, or prettier by some standards, or more conservative or more popular. But she…….was the Star. She made people talk about her.Sometimes the stars are talked about in a flattering way and some times in a less flattering way-but that is part of putting yourself out there. Wall flowers can’t be stars. They don’t get to.

So we will remember this girl in that show.

She may not know it but her confidence, style, abilities and courage taught all of us a lesson.

And I will continue to insist that any children around me learn from life.

Heartbeat

I have been holding my breath for her the last couple of months…..and trying not too hope too hard for her.

Today there was a heartbeat and nothing could make me happier right now.

One of my closet friends, my  Soulkeeper, has had many miscarriages and often very late ones. The last one she had was so severe that her own health and welfare were in a critical state. It was frightening.

She has two beautiful daughters, but has really felt in her heart that a third child (maybe blue???) would complete their family. She comes from a family of four siblings who are all close and deeply connected-I think this influences her greatly to want these amazing sibling relationships for her daughters too.

I grew up with this amazing girl and her amazing family. We told each other our secrets in her bathroom, we climbed on my roof as I watched her smoke cigarettes as a teenagerJ We teased our hair together and should have had stocks in hairspray companies. We traded clothes, boys, and hair accessories. We watched each other french kiss our boyfriends in deserted haunted houses; we got fired together at first our ice-cream parlor  job.

She was always my hero in so many ways.

She has had her share of difficulties and early on in her life. Her mother suffered one of the most tragic deaths I have ever known. It traumatized me as a teenager and just thinking of it bring tears to my eyes instantaneously. That particular day that her mother died will stay in my mind forever. I remember every single detail, every moment, every word . I will never ever forget it. Imagine the impact on my friend..unimaginable really.

Despite all of this and many obstacles before and after, this girl (turned woman) has been always the survivor and not the victim.

The perfect balance between joy and peace and routine, structure and getting things done. She is the balance between giving children love and giving them stability and structure.

What I admire most about her as a mother is the way she makes it all look so effortless. I know it it not that way-she struggles of course just like the rest of us. She will never however be found making a big fuss about stuff, or analyzing to much, or trying to create a pretty picture for the outside, or being someone she is not. I told her once that I was surprised to have never gotten pics of her kids on birth announcements or baptism invites etc…. she is just not a showy person; her moments are for her . She spends her time very, very wisely in my opinion.

She focuses within. She once told me that she has reached an  extremely peaceful place. It really shows. She is the portrait of sincerity, confidence, warmth and assurance. All of this translated into a wonderful journey of motherhood. And man..  has this girl has her share of obstacles along life.

While I am sitting there focusing on  preparing the baptism and sending out the gorgeous invitations and choosing the cake and sending out the eloquent thank you cards and recounting it all on my blog; she is simply enjoying her time with her family. Indulging in them. 

And simultaneously she has it all covered. Often we might associate this type of parenting with the more  “laissez faire” laid back style of parenting  when it comes to sleep, toilet training, discipline etc.. Not her! Total structure and routine and values teaching goes on in her family. Her time is spent loving them to bits, but doing everything in her power to make them autonomous and plan for their futures ahead.

It all appears effortless. She does it all so well.

She is an inspiration as a mother and a parent if I have ever come across one. I aspire to be what she is. Her husband is every bit as talented. Gosh writing this now I don’t think they should stop at three kids…I hope it is triplets!

And so today as she wrote me a text minutes after she received her great news, I am still cautious as I know things could still go wrong, but I feel so relieved and so thrilled for her.

I feel nothing but complete and sheer happiness for her and her family.

I have realized in my life that there have been moments where although I have felt happiness for my friends; somehow the situation has often affected me on other levels too.

When I had boys and my friend’s announced the arrival of their daughters, when lately when all of Bear’s friends have gotten into sports program at high school and he was sidetracked because of his surgery; when friends recount an occasion they spend with their treasured Dads. Although I always feel sincere happiness for the gifts that my friends receive in life,  sometimes I also feel a pang of envy too.

I wish this was not so-but it sometimes is. It’s another one of those inconvenient truths.

However today I feel sheer joy –and no offense Soulkeeper- but not a pang of envy! My happiness is not clouded in any shape or form. It’s all for you.

I am so very happy for your Heartbeat my friend. May it continue to grow and flourish into the baby you will soon hold in your arms.

Catherine…. you would have been  so desperately proud of your beautiful girl.I wish you were here to share this with her.

Power Wishes

Close your eyes really, really tight and make a wish of what you really, really want for Christmas.

If you wish hard enough and it is a realistic gift that Santa can bring….I am sure you will get it.

I know my wish…I asked Santa for it yesterday at a kids’ Christmas party. Sat on his lap and the whole nine yards and whispered into his ear (and beard)

So here I go…squishing my eyes shut..concentrating..focusing…visualizing my gift…imagining receiving it. I think if I try hard enough..I will get it. Actually I know I will.

I will keep you posted.

In reality we all know it’s not Santa who brings us our gifts..but ourselves that make our own dreams come true.

What is your wish? I bet if you wish hard enough..it will come true too.

Powerstruggling as a Verb

I should know better.

But cleary I don’t .

You should never ever enter into a power struggle with a toddler, a child or a teenager. Or you husband or your colleague for that matter. It is just not effective.

All the coaching I do on parenting and all the books I have read all say the same thing “Do not enter into power struggles.”

But also at friend's the other night she said “Do not touch this pot it is very hot” And I still did.

One of my favorite all time parenting bibles is “Honey I Wrecked the Kids” I remember reading it and thinking “if I followed this line by line I would cleary be the most effective Mother on earth.”

It lasted a few months and now I seem to be back to butting heads with my kids.

It affects the climate in our home. It makes it chillier and not warmer.

What I need to get better at is just applying consequences, often natural ones, without getting into a whole big fuss about it before. I need to just act and not warn. Talking about the consequence and fighting about it with my kids-on top of actually receiving it-is just a plain waste of time. Mine and theirs.

I mean to I really need to warn and remind my kid after 14 yrs of reminding that licking his plate like a dog at the table is not polite? Or telling my 11 yr old that coming into a room and going and flicking the back of his sister’s head is obnoxious? Or my 10 yr old that when an adult tries discussing with you her recent grade on an exam that doing handstands is not the right timing? They already know all this stuff. Problem is they don’t always choose to listen to it.

So my challenge these days is going to be acting with no warning:

"Bear-seems you have a lot of energy , so  go use it to clean up the kitchen please I can use some help."

"Chase-you know what; we don’t want to have a dog at our table, go sit by yourself in the dining room and finish your meal."

"Beauty-since you can’t listen to instructions without doing an acrobatic show,  go take a 15 minute break on the time out chair and come back when you are calm and ready to settle down."

I know this latter method is more effective. Kids take adults way more seriously when they don’t threaten consequences. I even don’t take adults seriously who threaten consequences. I see it around me all the time. Just like me, I would say most of my friends, family  and collegues fall into this trap and I observe it as an outsider…and realize that it is not working.” Be quiet or no dessert!" "Calm now or no story!” "Ask nicely or you won’t get it!"" Use your manners or you are going to bed early! "If you don’t listen to me you will lose all of your privileges".

And then they say it again, and again and again and again….it’s exhausting to even listen to it  as an outsider.

And then I go home and do this too with my own kids. All the time.

I have one friend who is as calm and collected as a cookie. With her kids there are never any threats. You won’t hear her saying “this or this will happen". It just does. And it is magical. So is her daughter by the way. I have never seen such a calm, polite and composed three year old.

My boss at work as a boss is also very, very composed. She trusts her team-she trusts people around her to do the right thing. She doesn’t warn them. Or threaten them, or scare them. She just trusts them. Lucky for me I have not failed her (yet I don’t think!) but I think if I did she would just quickly and painlessly carry out a natural consequence to an action. It would not be a huge fuss.

Why talk about something going wrong if most the time it will go right anyways?

So one of my goal (as of tomorrow-as I am having to much fun being my old bitchy self tonight!) is to just shut up around my kids more often. Keep my intentions and my lack of trust to myself. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Trusting them more and interfere less. Apply consequences quickly and swiftly and don’t make a big deal about them.

Keep Calm and Carry On

Lately I have been wishing that someone in my own life would dose out a bit of some benefit of the doubt. It’s actually what I am asking for Christmas this year and even sat on Santa’s lap today at a X-mas party and asked him directly.

So what I want from someone else I what I will give to my own kids. I will have faith in them. Until they prove me wrong.

I will do everything in my power to refrain from nagging, repeating myself, threatening, and sharing consequences and telling them what will happen if they do not do XYZ.

I will simply do it and we will hopefully peace will find it’s way back into our home.

In summary. I will try shut up as often as possible.

Merry Christams Family. What a lovely gift!

Be a Magic Fairy

I coached a guy the other day and his story broke my heart. (I have his permission to tell part of this story).

It wasn’t the story that broke my heart as much as his pain over the stress that this situation with his child caused him.

As he spoke of his son-tears welled up underneath his eyes. I wanted to reach out across the table that separated him and I and tell him to just let go. To cry-to allow himself to fully feel his emotions.

But the tears stayed behind his eyes. He kept his composure.

What touched me deeply about this situation was how strong a parent’s love for his or her child is. How unbearably hard parenting is and how delightfully incredible at the same time.

He asked me if I thought he might feel better one day once this situation is solved? I told him..that unfortunately it only gets worse. And thankfully also gets so much better.

With every heartbreak, disappointment and sadness your child goes through,you feel it likely much more than they feel it themselves.

But with each event, each rejection, each boo-boo, each failure-you also realize how limited your control on another person’s life you actually have and the events that will shape them.

Even if that person happens to be one of the ones you love most in the world.

It never gets easier-never , but it does get more predictable. You start to expect your heart to break. And expecting is easier than being taken by surprise I would say.

Sometimes I stay up at night and wonder “If I can’t handle XYZ now…how will I ever handle my child as an adult losing a job, getting divorced, having an illness? How can it be possible to ever let them go?”

It is not possible.

When you bring that baby into the world you just love them forever. You are stuck with them and they are stuck with you. Indefinately. They will always be your babies. You will always look at them and see them as they were when they were little. They are little-they are your little ones.

I definitely helped the man in front of me. I gave him hope. I gave him strategies, I validated his feelings. I listened well. I asked him tough questions. I shared with him hard answers.

All I really wanted to do though is tell him that it was ok to cry. I wanted his tenderness to seep out of him. I wanted him to let go of it. I wanted him to share it with me and allow me to take some of it away for him.

If there is one single thing I have learnt this year is that sharing with others our pain and our failures, our worries and our disappointments is really, really awesome.

Not only do you have a chance to let go….you realize just how many people around you have your back.

Today at work pretty much a stranger, a colleague I met only once came up to me and said “You look preoccupied-what’s on your mind? Can I help you-I am good at solving problems!"

So I sat down to lunch with her and her other problem solving friend ,and I told them what was on my mind. And they helped me.

Later she wrote me an email and said:

“I know that the outcomes that you are wanting will occur.  I am intuitive and I just know it. But if ever it doesn’t…then know that we are right there in the war room with you. We will help you.”

It’s amazing to receive kindness when you least expect it. I have listened for so long and it feels so good to be listened to lately.

It’s an amazing feeling to trust your tears and your fears into the hands of others. They will help you if you let them.

If you are looking for it-kindness surrounds you all the time. Not just in December but everyday of every month it is there is you access it.

Next time I see the guy I helped today, I am going to be courageous and I am going to let him know that I have his back. I am going to let him know that I will go to the war room with him if he needs it. I am going to let him know that I promise everything will be ok.

We will work it out. Tears and all. It’s ok.

Sometimes promising someone it will all be ok-if you believe that to be true..is the very best gift you can give them. People need magic fairies and you should be that for people around you. You can be magic if you try hard enough.

How to Know when you have been Married Way too Long…

You husband turns to you one quiet evening and says:

“How much did your wedding ring cost again?”

“What the ??????!!!!!”

"That is ridiculous-can we sell it and buy you a fake one and put the money towards a new boat. That is ludicrous- I mean who cares what you wear around your finger anyways-who even notices!”

“Seriously we need to sell them”

“Oh and by the way-I want to change rings myself-I don’t like gold anymore I want white gold. I went to the store and thought-maybe I will just change styles completely or not have a ring at all”

“Is this ok with you?”

oh yes darling husband..how romantic. Let's run to the dollar store now and see what we can find for me in the loot bag section!

No More Plowing Through

It’s a funny thing in life how our radars work.

We either have things “on” our radar or “off” our radar-depending on what we are listening for.

There are so many things happening around us that we choose not to hear.

Other times we are so sensitive and perceptive that we hear everything-and pull apart every single piece of the puzzle and analyze it.

Very often-I have chosen to plow through, my day, my week, my month and my year. Very often I chose to plow through my life actually.

It is very subtle but it happens one "to do list" at a time, one project at a time, one choice at a time. All the sudden all those moments turn into years.

“The days are long but the years are short”.

How many more moments will I choose to miss?

What I find interesting is when I am feeling upset, or sad or frustrated or down-my radar is most attuned to what is going on around me.

It is in these more negative sad moments that gratitude is most abundant for me.

It’s in the moments-where somehow I understand more how to stop and live, and be thankful and grateful.

I listen more to life through these rougher times. I stand and take notice.

I notice sweet and important things and I appreciate them.

A very senior leader at our company yesterday joining our team meeting and openly talking about some of experiences he had as a child and how these have impacted the choices he makes with his own children. The openness, the sharing, and the sweetness I experienced in him that day –this powerful man.

“In life to be happy… is Enough” he said.

My goodness. This is true isn't it?

“We need the right cocktail of people always"  he said right after. I liked that people were compared to drinks. It somehow made sense to me. I thought it was funny. I listened for humor and I found it.

Today after an especially stressful and frustrating day I heard more sounds around me. Sounds that made me happy.

A girl at the bookstore cash teasing her short and skinny boy colleague and asking him “if his tiny body” could bear carrying my heavy book bag.. And even though he was tiny and skinny and reached up about as far her large chest in height….he loved the attention she gave him. He basked in it. His smile was ear to ear. I thought of my own two skinny sons and realized how loved they must be by girls. It made me smile and breathe.

I loved seeing this interaction. It meant so much to me. Usually during my happy and plowing times I would never even have noticed him, his body, her teasing or her ample bosom.

I become grateful in tougher moments. I guess that is why I get to have them. Why we all do.

I asked someone important today “What do you tell yourself when things are tougher and he said "I tell myself it is Perfect... because it is".

I am going to interpret this as: Life perfects for you the journey even if you don’t know it.

Isn’t that the most awesome comforting thing?

So this week I feel gratitude and I feel abundance. I feel hopeful and I feel confident. I feel happy and I feel peaceful.

I feel that the secret to life in many ways is in the listening.

My hearing is in tune.

Patience is learned.

I am learning.