Conversation over Chicken

Since the kids were very little we always had "dates" with them. Usually once per month it is one of the kid’s turns with one of the parents for breakfast, lunch or dinner. We love it and so do they. It’s one of those things that never really fits into the schedules at all, but we all know is important for our connections and our relationships and so we make time for these.

Some years we are lazier (like many years) and some years we are much better (like last year). It’s one of those things like exercise, that you never regret after doing because you feel so much better.

All that to say this week was my date with Beauty. Usually when she was 9 yrs old, it consisted about talking about the menu, her friends, the music she likes, her Justin Beiber nail polish, and when she can have a sleepover with a friend.

Now that she is 10 yrs old our date conversations seemed to have shifted. As in a lot.

“Mommy-how much money do you make?”

“Mommy-I am just wondering what are the name of those things people buy at pharmacies that make you not die if you have sex?” What is sex again Mommy? Do people do it because they like it or because it is fun or to make babies?”

“Mommy-is it better to be the boss at work or the employee? Is it hard to be a boss-do you have to get a lot of university?”

“Mommy in our family what age are we allowed to kiss a boy on the cheek, on the mouth and do sex?” “Do we have to ask you before we do any of that stuff-or ask you or ask you and Daddy both?”

It’s all good and interesting too. Makes me realize how much of a better Mom (I think) I will be to older kids and teenagers than to little kids who ask me to sing lullabies which I have no clue what the words are.

The subject that impacted me the most though was the one about Santa. One might falsely assume it was the sex stuff-but that was easy compared to this one for me.

The context to this is that already this year at Christmas my daughter did not believe in Santa. She had asked me before Christmas if he was real and I told her that it is the spirit of Santa that is real, but there is a lot of make believe stuff too. I did not have the heart to tell her the full on truth so I dodged the subject.

Bad decision.

My Mom noticed this created a lot of anxiety for Beauty this year. Beauty was angry to some degree about this and confused and anxious about my half truth. My Mom suggested that I talk with her about it. At lunch Beauty brought it up before I had a chance to:

“Mommy can you tell me now that there is no Santa?”

“It’s so obvious there is not one, I mean who has time to go around the world on a sleigh to all countries at the same time and bring gifts made by elves anyways?”

“You can tell me Mom. I am the only one in my class who does not know-I need to know. I know that parents tell their kids there is one because it feels good-a bit like when we went to church at Christmas about Jesus and stuff that he watches everyone-but seriously like there is someone in the sky watching everyone at the same time. It’s good lies mommy and not bad lies right?”   (OMG!!! Now she is bringing religion into this too-clever mind this one has!!!)

So I tell her there is no Santa. I look her in the eye and tell her the truth. No sugar coating. Just truth. My last child…was officially growing up. My baby seemed to disappear in front of me right then and there at St-Hubert.

She gets slightly teary and then produces a big smile. Then she  has a whole slew of other questions ranging from who ate the cookies and wrote all the notes all those years to that she hopes next year I will still bring her a stocking and she does not want fruit in it.

What struck me was not the subject of Santa in these conversation but what she needed from me.

She needed validation. She needed to hear the truth from ME. Her brain would not believe anything fully until I confirmed it and leveled with her and spoke the words out loud.

It reminded me of a book on parenting I read recently that warned parents that the worst thing a mother can ever do to a child is sneak out of the daycare or the schoolyard when your child is not looking (with a close second of allowing a child who is school or daycare anxious- to stay home for the day or stay at the school with them for longer than 2 minutes and prolong their seperation)

It said you are a thousand times better off even if she is wailing and failing her body in your arms for you not to leave,  to simply  look her straight in the eyes and say “Mommy is leaving, she loves you and you will be ok”.

My Mom was right. I failed to deliver on the initial goods as far as Santa was concerned that is certain. But I made up for it today. I took my second chance at it.

I left that date with my daughter with many feelings and emotions, but the once that prevailed was pride. Pride that I am deliberate enough to make time in the chaos of life for these moments, for these conversations, for the dates. Pride that I know my priorities in life and follow them. Pride that my daughter depended on me-and not her peer group to tell her the truth.

Pride in that I feel in our family, that Stage Two is coming on quickly and that I feel fully prepared. For me the baby and child stage was the dress rehearsal. And now it’s time for the real curtains to open up.

Comfort in finally feeling like I  might know my lines in the powerful play called “Parenting”.

(ya ya… I know what you are all thinking when the real teen years hit they will bring me back to my knees!!!) In any case feels good to be empowered at least for this week. Next week is a whole other ballgame right?

Camera Fraud

Over the last 5 weeks I have been looking at my pictures of the year ,as I always put together an album representing that year. Lot and lots of great memories.

In most cases anyways.

There are some pictures which I have looked and had a sense of disappointment. In myself if I was taking the picture-or the other people taking it. Or for myself for smiling in it. Those “picture fraud” moments really get to me.

A sincere picture moment goes something like this:

Bunch of people having an amazing time at an amazing event

All feeling happy and relaxed and having a good time

Me or another person pick up a camera and capture that moment because it is so memorable and heartwarming

We look at that picture a few months later with fond memories and love in our hearts

We feel good

The camera fraud scenario goes something like this:

A bunch of people together not really necessarily wanting to be there together( or if they did they don’t seem to be having much fun anyways).

They make it look as  if they are having a great time-but they are not really.

Me or some other camera fraud decides to pick up a camera and make everyone smile and look  great in the picture and look as if they are having the time of their lives.

The picture gets posted on facebook and everyone comments what a great time it must have been

We get to check that off our list. Did that! Had fun! Now..next?

You feel bad and sad.

That’s a bit how I have been feeling about my search in  finding new blogs to read lately too.

It’s as if most  of the new blogs I have discovered are focusing only on  the smiley happy pictures.

No wonder blogs are a major downer for many women. I have to constantly remind myself of this fact as I write. I have to be very conscious to write the good..and the bad. It’s hard. Really hard. Let me know if I am not depressing you enough and I will be sure to adjust? If I am too uplifting..please tell me and I will fix it:)

I even started following two months ago a blog that I enjoyed but then had to stop reading because she said she was having a real hard time with  disciplining her kids so would not be posting for 2 months and would come back when she is in a better mood! And she was a family expert! I am sure we could have all learnt from her struggles and her disppointments; her obstacles and her challenges and not just about what she is doing right all the time.

What’s wrong with some good old  reality? Life is awesome and beautiful-but it is also complicated isn’t it? Isn’t that part of life too? Is it just me that craves this reality check?

So I think it’s important in life to really look at the pictures we are taking and the thoughts we are sharing. And also to look at those that we are not sharing and asking ourselves why not?

I have found myself in the last few months taking lots of pictures of lots of things and writing lots of thoughts about lots of things. But I never want it to become an escape. I never want to care more about the capturing than I do about the living. And put more importance about getting the right picture than in having the right conversation.

I find that the advanced technological society we live in is making this progressively harder for everyone. It’s becoming harder and harder to really connect and enjoy eachother.(OMG-I really sound like my Father did-YIKES!)

Chases summarized it last week when I was taking a video clip of him opening a birthday gift when he said “don’t videotape it Mom-just let me enjoy it”.

Truth from the mouths of babes.Guess one of my goals of “videotaping more in 2012” is coming off my list. Probably a good thing anyways .

I will go back to my ways in many instances of watching the ballet show and being the only parent not to be behind the camera lens and asking the person in front of me to move over so I can get the best shot. I never was that person, but I find myself starting to become that more and more often.

I want the old me back.

I may not have a picture of the ballet show in the future..but my daughter will understand why I hope.

She will know that my lens is clearer when I am truly seeing her-for no other benefit than for us.

For no other reason than that exact moment.

Then and there. Now.

Setting your Day

“Happiness cannot be travelled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude”

(Denis Waitley)

“Setting your Day”

This term really resonated with me from the book Blissology by Andy Baggott.

He is right. We receive what we want and invite into our lives.

He says the cure to depression is to watch the sunset for 10 days. I would not doubt it for a single second.

I think more often than not, we set our day in the wrong way. We expect a friend to disappoint us, and so she does, we expect our child to put up a fuss with the food placed in front of him and so he does. We expect that the snow storm will make us late for work and so we are.

What if we were to invite beautiful moments in our life much more often? What if we were to expect them? Part of my Happiness Project (update post on that within the next few week btw) is about just that. It’s about just focusing on some of the small stuff in my life that makes me happy vs. the bigger buckets.

Like this morning:  I always work in the  early morning.  Always. And I exercise after working in the morning three of those days. But today I just gave myself a half an hour break to crawl back in bed and read beside my birthday boy husband. It felt very indulgent but it was the right thing to do. I did it simply because I wanted to. Today. That moment.

Or yesterday I just gave myself permission to sit there for about 20 minutes and watch my two sons interact. One was doing a photography project for school and was using the other one as a model. Each time the model would get the pose right the photographer would yell out “Superstar!”. It was so damn cute. I loved just watching it. Enjoying it. Enjoying them.

Writing represents  that to me too-it sets my day in so many ways. It is Gratitude in the purest form for me. Makes me appreciate all the small moments in between and gives me a snapshot of where my life is at and also how far I have come. One moment at a time.

At my door tonight-another Mom just told me that her son was accepted to a great program at a school he was waitlisted for, I was so happy for him. This kid is  so deserving.  When she asked me about Bear and his waitlist position I very calmly said" I am very confident he will get in. We just have to be patient” I felt peaceful and calm and confident. Why? Because I believe it and because I am choosing to set my day. Choosing the next actions that will occur. It will come to me. I am inviting it. I am dreaming it to life.

Basically I believe we design our future-I truly do. As Baggot says if we are ill, we need to focus on health and getting better. If we are poor we need to focus on getting richer. If we are unhappy we need to focus on getting happy.

If we are feeling down and depressed we need to set our day. We need to get up and watch the sunrise.

Or end of day by watching the sunset.

A few things in Particular Protector..

 Happy Birthday Sweets!!!

When I think of you..many things come to mind. So many moments, so many memories. A lifetime really.

I choose a few for today: a few of my favorite.

You nurture us. You make us roasts, and soups, and drinks and stews . You bake for us, and cuddle us and make rinks for us. You plow lots and lots of snow for us. You fix things for us, buy things for us, and are there for us. You make us laugh and you make us cry. You worry us, you fill us with happiness and you fuel us for the next day. You build fires for us and drive us around and around the lakes. You put docks together for us and you hold us on bali beds. You fall asleep with us. You don't go anywhere without us. You play golf with us, ski with us, walk with us, tube with us and cook marshmellows with us.



You make all our friends feel special and adored. You open your home to them all. You make them sexy drinks. You make me laugh, and scream and worry all over the place. You apologize, compliment, adore and love. You accept, you cherish and you respect.
You would die for any of us any day of the week. You take care of us, you provide for us and you work for us. You stand up for us and you fight for us.  You love us, every single moment of every single day. You worry about each one of us all day long.

You nurture all of us all the time.
And then you go to sleep and start all over again the next day.

You are wonderful, you are kind, you are loving, generous and hilarious. You are handsome, honest, sporty, talented and brilliant. You are a sexy boy and a wise man. You change and grow and love more each day.

We are grateful for you. We adore you. We can not begin to imagine our lives without you. You are what makes us a family. You are what makes each one of us complete.
You are the center of our universe even if life revolves around us. You are totally in the forfront of our lives even if you may prefer the background. You are our solo-even if you sing along with the choir.
You have made our lives beautiful, and wonderful and full.
You have grown us and filled us up with happiness.
Five at Sea..we will always, always be.
Happy Birthday my Hubby..my Guy:)

(PS-last night's celebration: the five people I love most in the world, 60's candies you did not recognize! leftover candy from work, bubblegum cigars, Mom being a Bird, Chinese calendars, beef and brocolli, wierd expensive chinese vegetables,  a new hat, new thongs, your funny jokes about unrecognizable candies, lots of socks, carshows and sexy girls tonight with the boys, kids jumping in bed this morning and cuddling, Bear controlling and calming himself, Chase's spagetti rash,  Beauty making a special effort to wake up early:)

Grounding - (Teacher of Beauty-Guest Blog Number 2)

My Teacher of Beauty was popular last week ! I sent her your comments....she was very pleased to receive them and your questions too. She has prepared a Q&A about Alopecia and this will be posted next week on my blog.

Below you will find her second post. Through knowing this woman I have learnt so much, and gained so much, and changed in many deep ways.  I feel glad to have the opportunity to share some of her with some of you in this way on my blog.

Tarina

Grounding

If you ever find yourself in a place where you have lost your grounding, or have begun to believe that you have achieved something, become important or even successful, I have found the solution: Pack up your bags and head off to a remote place with your parents and siblings and lock the doors. There is nothing like family to rip off any stripes you may have thought you had earned in the workplace and put you firmly back into the family hierarchy, your place

Sounds bad, not at all, it's great.

In the family unit, neither title nor financial gain counts. There is a different system and when you are in it you know your place within seconds, you immediately know the rules. Dad is always right, older sister is always wiser, married in male spouses are the butt of all jokes and me well, I am the youngest child who basically doesn't know much about anything. This may sound like a bad place to be, yet it isn't, it is warm and familiar, it is fun and it is accurate, it's wrong yet it doesn't matter. What it is, is a reminder of how it used to be, when you were reliant of others, when you were looking for direction, when you needed help all the time, when you had nothing to worry about as it was all taken care of. In short what it is, is a reminder of what really counts, your contribution to the nuclear eco system that is your family, what it is, is real, and what it is, is love in its purest form.

I have learned over the years, sometimes through teary battles and weeks of the silent treatment that you can not change this hierarchy, no evidence can cause a shift in position nor discussion can explain why that view is wrong, it is futile, it is tiring and it is not effective. Thus my years have taught me to stop fighting and start enjoying it for what it is. This shift was wonderful and I wish I had understood this earlier.

So now that I have had a few days of family grounding, I am ready to step out of it again for a least another year and get back to being who I have worked hard to be after I fled the nest all those years ago. The other me.

I wonder who all the others go back to being?

Friday FAQ’s-Time Management

I have gotten a few questions around time management, schedules and kids so will answer below:

1-What is your system for keeping track of family activities, appts etc..  How do you handle the planning of both career and home?

2-How do you ensure you schedule things that are important to you as a family-what is your system?

I have a few tricks for this one that I can share that work really well for me and my family. I can be a very messy person (as in I pile my clothes on my bath or even floor sometimes and my dishes can be found in the sink for 2 days) ..However I am a SUPER organized person when it comes to family order, schedules, planning and time management.

I think my biggest tip as it relates to family and time management is what I call Frontloading. It means that twice a year (usually January and Sept) you plan for success UPFRONT. You take out the agenda and plan out what you want to achieve as a family, your trips, your priorities, your family meetings, which friends you want to get together with, what activities kids will participate in, what hobbies you the adults will pursue, schedule dr appts and blood tests, you record birthdays, special events, money needed for cafeteria at school, school calendars etc..(and lots lots more)

You do this at the beginning of the calendar year and then again at the beginning of school year. It’s certainly a ton of work upfront (trust me I did this my last week of x-mas vacation!) but it is so worth it. And I am very serious about this.

It completely sets you and your family up for peace and success for the entire upcoming year.

I am not joking when I tell you that my Summer 2012 is fully planned and even part of summer 2013 is planned. All with things we desperately want to do. We have traditions with friends and family  that carry over year to year and we all book them early to ensure they happen and that we all plan for it that year. It’s a huge priority. I sent an email  to our buddies last week asking who wanted to plan for our events at the cottage and we have most weekends booked already and many saved for just our family and our  vacation too.

In this fontloading system  make sure to make time for your personal family needs and values. Religion important to you? Seeing friends? Democratic family meetings? Family movie nights?

Half of my calendar is filled up with our family traditions outside of holidays which make our family unique. Yours can be unique too-just plan for it!

In terms of systems I keep work and home very separate. I have a Blackberry for work and a paper agenda for home which I manage but we revise as a family every Sunday night at “Family Calendar”. We also have a magnetic whiteboard which captures on the fridge all the fun stuff of that month to look forward to as a family. This board is a big hit with the kids as they feel they can really look forward to these upcoming dates.

Since I also have my own business (Lifeworks) one day a week I have a separate calendar on my computer at home for that. Everything is separate and does not blur. I don’t do Lifeworks email ever at my other work, or personal stuff at work unless absolutely necessary. I never turn on my computer for work during family time when the kids are awake-I wait until they go to bed to catch up on work if necessary. My day where I work for myself is what I call my “blurry day”. I do coaching, personal stuff and often a half day of work for the Pharma company I work for. It’s all blurred and very confusing but a nice break from the rigidity of the other 4 days. That’s the only day you will find me mixing it all up. And it’s fun and flexible I but could never do this on a full time basis.

For me boundaries are very important and knowing what our priorities are and respecting them.

My belief is that if we don’t have boundaries in terms of our schedules, or family activities and our work choices we will never feel balanced or integrated.

So first step is to know what is important to you and second is to make it happen.

Planning and scheduling to me is the biggest gift you can give a family. It allows for ultimately all the amazing, incredible and spontaneous moments in between.

Without it….life becomes chaotic.

 Especially if you have more than 1 child and work outside the home. I find it nearly impossible to live moment by moment.

Children in general crave stability and schedules, and I have found in my experience, are much less anxious and much better behaved when they have a sense of where the family is coming and going and what is on the agenda. Whenever I have worked with a family where the child is misbehaving (most all of us right!) or where the child is anxious re seperation etc...more routine and structure in the family are almost always the solution.

So get out those planners and plan away! Its January so perfect timing!

Nourish or Nurture?

It occurred to me today at lunch that there are two types of people in this world:

1-The ones that love food.

2-The ones that eat to starve off hunger.

Many days a week either at work or even out with friends on the weekends, I see woman eating big salads with protein in it. And they eat these most days of the week with slight fluctuations such as a yogurt or a soup with it.

I always sit there and ponder: “How can that feel satisfying as a meal? How can anyone want to eat that for lunch everyday”?

To me I love salad, don’t get me wrong but it is always a side. With the pasta, or with the stir-fry or with the  vol au vent. Somehow alone it feels so boring to me. Just not  a treat.

I have been noticing that it is not only skinny people who eat these big salads (to stay skinny) but also people who have been eating them for years and are still nowhere close to skinny. So why do they eat them if they don’t lose weight eating them?

Do they like them?

So today I tried this “strange” ritual out. Certainly won’t do me any harm after the creeping up after the holidays pounds (which I find very depressing given that I had lost a few before X-mas and have been so good with my exercising the last months).

I went to the cafeteria at work and got a big (yummy-yahoo!) salad with lots of protein in it, some hummus on the side. And I took a pack of Melba toast too since I always see these girls take that with their salads. So I did it too for the excitement factor.

I got to the cash and realized that skinny salad eating people (or non skinny salad eating people) must have a lot of money because here I was expecting a cheap lunch and it cost me a fortune too!

I decided there then must be something good about it.

I sit down with my coworkers (who for some reason today of all days decide to eat real food!) and I dig in.

Hmmm…tastes ok. Tasty enough.

But Boring. Not fun at all. Not too satisfying.

Not bringing me the type of pleasure I look forward to at the 15 minutes break I take at lunch after working my butt off all morning and afternoon and evening.

Certainly not enough of a reward or a treat for me..(is this what emotional eating is)?

So I went back to my desk strangely full (with only  a salad in my tummy?) ,but also predictably flustered.

My colleague even commented I look depressed.

Good guess buddy! Of course I am depressed. You are eating pasta rose with garlic bread (and salad and a  sugarpie) and I am eating this salad that cost me my kid’s allowance.

So the morale of this post is:

I don’t think it is worth it to eat like that and still not be skinny.

If you are skinny and eat that-well then maybe there is a payoff for you.

If you are not skinny (but still consider yourself  attractive and pretty by most people’s standards) then I think you should definitely not eat this boring meal and maybe ramp up the exercise.

If you are not skinny (and do not consider yourself attractive or pretty) I really don’t know what to tell you what to do. Somehow I don’t think salad will solve your problems anyways.

Clearly my expertise is not in food or salad or any advice giving in this area. Maybe I should stay within my realms of knowledge next time eh?

Nurturing with food is so much more pleasant than only nourishing ourselves with it. Food is such a pleasure in life.

Maybe the only thing in life that is simple. Always. No fuss. Uncomplicated.

I wish I had a marriage like food. Or a life like food.

I don’t. Therefore I choose food.

(I am going now to eat yet another stupid salad for dinner. Still at work until late, late tonight and there appears to be nothing else available besides the side salad I brought yesterday from home to go with my meal).

Yup. My treat tonight will  just have to be taking a break to write this blogJ